EPILOUGE. How this Shit Breaks Down-
"Yes, yes, I will. I told you I will." Rachel whispered into the phone.
The mysterious caller seemed very persuasive. Quinn , laying in bed, playing possum, cocked her eyebrow. Who is she talking to? She wondered.
Rachel was getting annoyed. "Must you always be so crude? Yes, I will make good on the payment," Rachel signed in exasperation at whatever was transpiring on the other end. "Now? I have to say that to you…now? She's laying in the other room, in bed!"
Oh, fuck- to-the-no, this was a definite NO-GO! Quinn was pissed.
She swung her legs off the bed, deftly and silently with the stealth of a cat. She wrapped a throw around her and tiptoed closer to the door. She didn't like what she heard…not at all.
"Yes, you are the 'Pussy Master'. Fine! I said it. Are you happy now? What? What else do you want me to – oh, for Barbara's sake, now that's ridiculous. I'm already buying you dinner as it is….yes, dinners. Dinners. My mistake."
Rachel was being berated peppered with taunting and other nasty words thrown in,evidenced by Rachel's letting out a very prim sounding gasp.
"I KNOW I agreed to this, but really? Right now? Quinn is In the other room..oh, fine. You are the mistress craftsman of she who can unpress all lemons. Citron. …what? Oh…medica,.. Citron… Zitrone… Limone… Tsitrin."
Quinn, however, was ready to hemorrhage behind her eyeballs.
"No, silly. That last one is Yiddish." She giggled some more.
"Well, at least I picked something that made sense. I picked "Embrocate". You picked "Emulsify"! I just wanted to finally get it on and fuck her, notliquefy her—"
Quinn stormed in and ripped the phone out of Rachel's hand, who quickly protested.
"No! Quinn! It's not what you think!"
"Shut it!" Hissed Quinn,making a snapping gesture with her fingers. Putting the phone to her ear, she barked, "And who the fuck am I speaking to?"
"Who the actual fuck wants to know?" Responded the voice on the other end.
"Santana?"Quinn said, confused.
Quinn was speechless. Then a sigh could be heard from the other end…the very 'put upon' other end…
"Look, Fabray. I've known you, what…two decades? Listen, I know that repressed shit of yours goes back ..way back. Like, generations! Like, your relatives probably worked the inquisition—for fun."
Quinn snorted. They probably did.
"So, me –n-Blueberrys, as I started calling her, because you were leaving her so high and dry she was getting Blue Balls…."
Quinn glared at Rachel. Rachel raised her eyebrows insolently.
"…well, me and Blueberry hatched a lil plan…"
"Let me guess. Something about pressed lemons, or unpressing them…or some shit of that ilk."Quinn growled. She looked up at Rachel, who appeared to be stifling a laugh, and Quinn motioned for her to sit down. Rachel was glad that Quinn spazed down, at least. Quinn sat as well and put Santana on speaker.
Santana's distinct voice rang out. "You're getting' there, HBIC. We all know what would have happened if you continued to move at your glacier speed of self-discovery. BlueBerry's berry would have sealed over, and fossilized-"
"Ew, Santana, must you be so crude?" Rachel interjected.
"Yes," She said matter of fact ly. "It's my calling. So yes. Anyhoo…we realized for this thing to happen before the NEXT ice age, we would need to inject a little entropy into the system."
Quinn rolled her eyes. Santana was enjoying this, no doubt. Perhaps she found her calling, if there was a profession in puppeteering actual human beings…
"…Thus, 'Operation: Eridicate Mt. Metrosexual' was born."Concluded Santana, supremely happy with herself.
"Have me walk in on the girl of my dreams fucking some wing nut? What a good idea, Santana! Slightly better than a plan to, say, throw Brit-Brit out of a plane…"
"Ow.."Interrupted a voice. "No way. I can't fly…anymore. Not since I lost my wings."
"Hi Brit!" Rachel and Quinn said in unison.
"For Petey's sake, Sanny. You take forever and a day to tell this story."
"Well, I don't get to rub it in Quinn's face that often, babe." Whined Santana.
"Not a good reason." Scolded Brittany. "Let me finish. So, you take the first letters of the plan…"
"O.E.M.M." Said Quinn
"And you put in the REAL name."
Brittany giggled. "I dunno? Some dumb long name Rachel and Santana came up with after tequila to disguise it from being 'Operation: Unpress the Lemons'. Ask them." The sound of Brittany walking away was heard.
"I got it from here, okay?"
"Ugh. I've heard THAT before. Good luck. Come over if she's going to choke you."
"Okay, bye. Love you."
"-you too. Don't forget dinner. Every Monday for two months."
"That's what SHE said…"
Then Santana was gone. A dial tone filled the silence in the room. Rachel quietly got a pad of paper, and walked over to Quinn, writing the initials:
O E M M
"Any ideas, valedictorian?"
"Again, I say… HOW did you edge my clearly superior intellect out?"
Huffing, Rachel neatly filled in the words:
'Operation: Embrocate My Medica'
"What the hell does that mean?"
"Well, "embrocate" is to make VERY wet…I assume you know a working definition for the words, "operation" and 'My".."
Quinn threw a couch pillow at her.
Rachel smiled. "But the coup d'etat, of course, was 'Medica'. It is the Latin for …
"…the species of a lemon tree." Said Quinn, with a slow realization dawning in her eyes.
Rachel clapped, excitedly.
Quinn continued. "You and Santana knew…you knew that you would have to make me so jealous, so aroused…that I would…I would-"
"-Take action." Finished Rachel, nodding.
"You little she-devil!" Quinn chortled, as she ran over, tackling and pinning Rachel underneath her.
"Hey look…Santana wanted to 'emulsify' you…that seemed painful! At least I spared you that!" Rachel said, with mock sincerity.
"But really, Rachel….Brody? Ugh!" Quinn crunched up her face.
"Look…I know. But Santana's not far off the mark…. You DID give me testicular torsion, there, Quinn…PLANTS were starting to look sexually attractive at that point."
Quinn wrestled her a little more, laughing.
"I viewed it as a necessary evil. No more, no less."
"But how did you get our parents in on this?" Asked Quinn, genuinely curious.
"Oh, God!" Rachel rolled her eyes. "I didn't! Santana is a natural born extortionist. She went to them and got them thinking it was their idea, and somehow got a lifetime of Breadstix coupons out of them. Don't ask me!"
Quinn leaned down, hovering above Rachel's lips.
"I guess I'm lucky that I have a gal who has such a good command of the English language then, don't I?"
Her voice had become husky.
"Mmmm. I guess so. But one can never underestimate the use of a powerful phase with a subject, a predicate, and a very explicit meaning…"
Rachel looked deeply into the hazel eyes above her. She smiled.
"Like, "Get. In. Me.' Like that."
"Oh, I like that one!"
"Thought you would."
Quinn leaned down, into the lips of the beautiful girl below her…