Title: You and Me Baby, Ain't Nothing But Mammals
Category: Anime/Manga » Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
Author: Lady Androgene
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Published: 10-31-12, Updated: 04-07-13
Chapters: 9, Words: 47,826
Chapter 1: Discovery Channel
Title: You and Me Baby, Ain't Nothing But Mammals
Rating: R for Ridiculous (In FFN system, M for adult situations)
Pairing: Eventual D80 and 1827, with, in order of prevalence, Enzio/OC 6927, 8018, D18, 69D, and 6980. Will contain mentions of 6918, 692718, S80 and SD. In short, everyone is a slut (but especially Mukuro). The pairings are NOT the point of the fic, just saying.
Warnings: C-R-A-C-K. Cliché plot devices.
A/N: Written in omniscient third person and takes place during Tsuna and gang's high school years. Please be warned that if you're looking for deep, introspective fic with substance, this is not it. This fic is shallower than Hibird's bath tub. It contains cheap lecherous jokes which may result to liberties with characterization to accommodate said cheap lecherous jokes. Fic and chapter titles come from the song Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang, which is all you need to know about the intellectual level of this work of fiction (that is to say, zero).
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me but the story. And Enzilla.
Chapter 1: Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel
Sawada Tsunayoshi wakes up one Saturday morning with the bone-deep feeling that today is going to be one of those days, the kind where Reborn spends the day flinging golf balls at his gonads and calls it reflex training.
"You shall be training with your more eccentric guardians today," Reborn declares, looming over Tsuna like a knee-high harbringer of doom. "And by with, I mean against. And by eccentric guardians, I mean Hibari and Mukuro."
And just like that, Tsuna feels his balls instinctively retreating into his body cavity, and so he makes a futile attempt to crawl back under his duvet.
"You shall fight them both at the same time," Reborn continues, calmly ripping the covers off his cowering charge. "While I fling golf balls at your gonads. It's reflex training and combat training in one. "
Tsuna finally finds his voice. "Are you trying to get me killed? I can't possibly—"
"And if you try to avoid them by flying away," Reborn adds, steamrolling over Tsuna's useless protests. "I'll change the golf balls to a Leon rail gun."
"How is that even FAIR?" Tsuna wails. "I'm not going to last a single minute!"
"The Mafia business is hardly ever fair, Dame-Tsuna," Reborn retorts, before giving his student a fast smack up the head. "And stop being afraid of your guardians; it's pathetic."
"It's three of you against one of me," Tsuna argues desperately, as if simplifying things will change his fate. Also you are all psychos, he mentally adds. Seriously, if Reborn wants to kill him, he could go about it in an infinitely more efficient manner, like just straight up shooting him in the face. Oh. Wait—
"Hmph." Reborn frowns, contemplating for a few moments, and Tsuna holds his breath in the vain hope that for once in the crazy, explosive-filled cesspit that is his life, Reborn would actually ask for something doable, as opposed to the usual impossible. "Fine," the hitman says, with a dismissive wave of his tiny hand. "Let's not drag them to a one-sided deal."
Tsuna sags in relief. "Oh thank you," he croaks, leaning back against his pillows. Then his spine snaps straight again, because it suddenly occurs to him that the notion of Reborn actually acquiescing to his requests is a veritable sign of "things just went up shit creek so get ready to swim."
"I'll give you a partner," Reborn says with as much magnaminity as his baby voice is capable of, almost lulling Tsuna in false sense of security. Almost. "It's just as well, it's about time you tried working together."
Tsuna swallows past the lump in his throat. "Who?"
The door slams open, and Tsuna looks up to see his self-proclaimed older brother sporting a smile too dazzling for such a gloomy and soon-to-be-lethal morning. "Good morning little bro!" Dino sings, gliding inside. "Reborn told me we'll be working together for your training today! I'm so excited!"
"Dino-san!" Oh thank god. At least he has someone who knows how to handle the terrifying beast that is Hibari Kyouya. Not that he's signing himself off to dealing exclusively with Mukuro, but at least he no longer has to worry too much about what sort of tonfa upgrade he needs to look out for (last time, it was a mini-buzz saw that shot lasers ) while trying to protect himself from getting mind-raped (last time, it was a colourful mental slideshow of the many ways Mukuro would like to take over his body. Several had tentacles involved. It took him a full week for his mind's eye to stop weeping.)
And so, with that cheerful thought, Tsuna starts getting up to get ready for today's agenda of not dying.
Of course, his newfound confidence in his lowered mortality rate is spectacularly crushed when Reborn suddenly asks, "So how are Romario and the others enjoying Osaka so far?"
"Oh they love it," Dino replies breezily. "They're actually having a Takoyaki eating contest right now, and last I checked, Brutus was winning and Ivan tried to cheat by lining Romario's balls with wasabi- Tsuna, you've gone pale all of a sudden." Dino peers quizically at him. "Are you okay?"
Tsuna shakes his head and buries his face in his hands, telling himself he's too old to cry.
The sound of birds cawing in the air is deafening. Hibari actually blinks, as he considers the possibility that his impeccable hunter's hearing has suffered an unfortunate glitch. He could've sworn the baby just said—
"—I seem to have heard incorrectly Arcobaleno. Did you just say I'm supposed to cooperate with birdface over there?"
Mukuro's question immediately results to a tonfa aimed at his throat which he absently dodges.
"Don't call me that," Hibari hisses, pulling back. He turns towards Reborn. "Baby. What the hell is this?"
"It's a challenge, Hibari," Reborn replies, somehow managing to kick both his students forward with one foot. "Strategy is up to you, I'm not really particular about how you deal with this. You can pick one and fight him for all I care."
Tsuna immediately protests this. "But Reborn, that's kind of defeating the purpose of—"
"—Kufufufu, that's perfect," Mukuro interrupts delightedly, sounding like Reborn just handed him Tsuna's body on a silver platter and handed him a knife. Which, actually, isn't that much far off from the truth. "I'm taking Tsunayoshi-kun then." Before anyone else can react, he grabs Tsuna's arm and drags him away, happily ignoring Tsuna's despairing objections.
Hibari glares at them, seething at the denial of getting first choice rather than the choice itself. Dino waves cheerfully at Tsuna's retreating, pleading face, before rounding on to his opponent.
"It's just like the old days huh, Kyouya?" Dino says, as he snaps his whip. "Shall we begin?"
Hibari responds by trying to break Dino's nose, which Dino gracefully dodges...
... by tripping backwards as he somehow entangles his shins with his own whip.
Hibari throws him one look of disgust before pulling his tonfa back into his sleeves and stomping off to where the pineapple herbivore and Sawada are, ignoring Dino's struggling form on the ground. When he catches sight of the ongoing battle, (Sawada's disentangling himself from a bunch of writhing snakes nipping at his belt loops and simultaneously slamming a flaming fist on the handle of Mukuro's trident), he is suddenly struck with a most curious sensation, that for a moment, he just stands there staring.
Usually, just the sight of Rokudo Mukuro sends a feral rage straight to his head, yet seeing Sawada Tsunayoshi fighting him now, it's like he's torn between two opposing forces- twin desires to do debilitating body injury to one individual and engage in several acts of indecency with the other. It feels strange, though he's still on the fence if it's entirely unwelcome.
But who is causing what? With the unnerving scrutiny of a hawk searching for prey, he focuses on Rokudo first, eyeing the smooth swinging arcs of his trident, and the impertinent curl of his lip, as he whispers something that seems to throw off Sawada's guard for a moment, if the flush staining his cheeks is any indication. Immediately, Hibari feels a familiar violent urge to throw Rokudo down to the ground and make him suck on the business end of his spiked tonfas.
Hypothesis proven, he then shifts his line of vision to Sawada and his swift, calculated movements, observing how the flame on his head serves to illuminate his rare, calm expression. Hibari's mouth runs dry. He feels a similar violent urge to throw Sawada to the ground...
And make him suck on something else entirely.
His eyes narrow at this realization. If he recalls his basic biology lessons correctly, his reaction could be likened to attraction.
He's attracted to Sawada Tsunayoshi. How odd.
He hears steps from behind him. "Kyouya! You can't just leave—"
Hibari swings his arm back without looking and Dino crumples to a heap at his feet. Annoyance dealt with, he moves to stand beside a nearby pine tree and continues his observation.
Cable TV and nature documentaries are partially responsible for the current structure of Hibari's life philosophy. He lives by the strict rules of predator and prey, carnivore and herbivore, hunter and hunted, primarily because these rules are simple, logical and devoid of external judgment, elements of which are practically non-existent in the chaotic cesspool that is human society.
If he's to be completely blasé about it, he could describe his life's basic movements in three settings: Eat, fight, sleep. Learning and education figure along the way, but they're more of a by-product of survival rather than a pure necessity; he has to do something between eating, fighting and sleeping after all.
Now however, in his ripe age of eighteen human years, it would seem like nature is reminding him of a fourth basic setting, and that no, this time, self-sustenance is sorely inadvisable for long term relief.
Hibari is nothing if not disciplined, and if the natural order of things requires the participation of another human being, then he's duty bound to abide by it.
He watches as Sawada's nimble body swings sideways to avoid the otherwise fatal strikes of Mukuro's trident, all fiery danger wrapped up in herbivorous skin. He realizes that this isn't the first time he is feeling this strange heat— and vaguely remembers a future that concluded with burning wings. Or marshmallows. Something to that effect. Unconsciously, he licks his lips.
He hears a gasp and glances beside him to see his so-called tutor's gaze zeroing in on his—
Oh. So that's explains the chafing feeling in his pants. He absently remembers that this is indeed a normal occurrence in sexual attraction.
He watches impassively as Dino scrambles up, eyes darting between Hibari and the ongoing fight below, looking like he badly wants to say something but his survival instincts are staging an intervention.
Hibari turns his attention back towards the fight, deciding to be generous and end Dino's miserable curiosity. "Sawada Tsunayoshi," he says. It's better to clear this up right away before his herbivorous teacher gets any dumb ideas and assumes he suddenly became napposexual or something equally revolting.
"My brother," Dino says slowly, holding a hand over his forehead as if recovering from a daze. Strange, Hibari 's certain he didn't hit him that hard. "You are getting turned on by my little brother."
"He fights well," Hibari says tonelessly. "He has an adequately prepossessing facial structure. Also, he just applied flaming blunt force trauma on the back of that pineapple herbivore's skull. It pleases me." Hibari really doesn't need to justify anything to his mentor, but recent realizations have put him in a strange charitable mood.
Dino stares at him some more and then opens his mouth to say something but is prevented from doing so by a vicious golf ball hitting him smack on the forehead. Hibari automatically side steps the one aimed at him.
"You are supposed to be fighting," Reborn says, in a voice that manages to carry the gentle promise of a hundred shotgun shells despite the baby pitch. "Neither of you are even bleeding yet."
Hibari immediately starts forward to remedy that statement, but is halted by the discomfort of his current predicament. He glares hatefully at it. What a nuisance.
Reborn follows his gaze, his eyebrows raising, as surprised as he ever gets. "Well," he says. "You're his teacher Dino."
Dino pales. "What? Oi Reborn, this isn't—"
"—I'm giving you one minute to get rid of it," Reborn cuts in nonchalantly, tuning out Dino's sputtering, as he turns back to shoot golf balls at the other pair.
Hibari looks at his so-called tutor expectantly. "Well?"
Dino is currently in a quandary. Never, in his life as a Mafiosi, has he ever guessed he'd be teaching his student how to deal with a boner in the middle of training. And why the hell is Kyouya taking this all so casually? Normal people would probably want to expire from mortification right now. Then again, his irascible student has the emotional range of a teaspoon, and probably wouldn't be embarrassed if someone caught him jacking off with a watermelon. In fact, he'd probably be all "You just interrupted my solitary ritual of sexual release, prepare to be bitten to death" and hit the guilty party hard enough to erase that scene from their memory banks forever.
Dino blames that golf ball to the head for making his brain come up with that disturbing imagery.
"I'm waiting, herbivore."
"Dead kittens," Dino hurriedly supplies.
Hibari's eyebrow twitches.
"Waterlogged corpses?" Dino tries again, taking a step back. Hibari steps forward and meaningfully activates the new buzz saw feature of his tonfa.
"Zombie porn! Dicknipples! Goatse! Sparkling vampires!" Belatedly, Dino realizes that he's been throwing out disgusting mental images without telling Hibari what to do with them, but it's too late now.
Dino squeezes his eyes closed, bracing himself for a femur-shattering blow and makes one last ditch attempt. "Naked Lussuria in a sequined thong!" he yells, his voice carried by the wind and echoing among the trees.
The distant sounds of fighting abruptly stop and Dino opens his eyes to find himself unharmed, and Tsuna, Reborn and Mukuro staring at them.
Hibari turns to glower at his audience, unwittingly giving them an eyeful of his little problem. "What are you staring at?" he growls.
The unholy glee on Mukuro's face makes Dino's skin crawl. "I'll tell Fran to pass the message to the gaylord, Kyouya-kun!" he cheerfully calls out. "Though he prefers his bodies a little bit on the dead side, but of course, I'd be happy to arrange that for—"
"—Mukuro!" Tsuna chastises. He glances at Hibari briefly, his face an awful mix of embarrassment and incredulity, then averts his eyes. One of his hands reach out to Mukuro's chin to forcibly turn his gaze away as well, a rather ineffective but well-meaning action to protect Hibari's modesty. "I'm so sorry Hibari-san! I'm not judging you I swear!"
Reborn, little bastard that he is, just tips his fedora forward and smirks.
Hibari's slowly turns around to face Dino again, murderous intent radiating off of him in waves.
Well. At least that whole exchange seems to have cured the problem.
Dino runs anyway.
Of course training is a disaster.
Tsuna just has enough time to grab Dino and fly away before the Cavallone Tenth meets his unfortunate demise between the ground and his pet turtle's scaly foot.
Apparently, whatever weirdness happened out there between his big brother and Hibari had driven Dino to desperation deep enough for him to pull out his one great super move, which could aptly be summarized as "Fuck this shit, it's time to chuck Enzio in the nearest body of water."
"Hibari-san! Mukuro!" Tsuna calls out, worrying as he sees no trace of his two guardians amidst the detritus the giant Enzio was making.
"Dame-Tsuna, don't worry about your guardians; they're your opponents now remember?" Reborn scolds from his perch on the Leoncopter, as Dino claws his way up to fasten his arms around Tsuna's neck. "Try not to drop Dino, as his death will result to the unfortunate souring of relations between Vongola and Cavallone."
Dino's right ankle is presently doing something unpleasant to Tsuna's spleen but that's probably because Reborn is still shooting golf balls at them and maneuvering in the air while your 175 pound big brother is clinging to you like a limpet is kind of difficult.
"I'm sorry Tsuna," Dino says tearfully. "I was under pressure to get rid of Kyouya's hard-on."
Tsuna fails to avoid the next golf ball. "Dino-san," he says wearily, wincing at the bruise surely forming above his solar plexus. "This is exactly the kind of thing you don't tell me when I'm trying to save ourselves from getting bludgeoned to death."
"It's not because of Lussuria, I swear!" Dino plows on vehemently. "He's not Kyouya's type, trust me."
"I really wasn't judging," Tsuna says, hoping his neutral tone conveys his absolute lack of interest in pursuing this line of conversation.
Reborn of course, gets the hint and does the complete opposite. "What caused that anyway?" he asks, punctuating his question with a deliberate shot to an area below Tsuna's belt.
Tsuna moves quickly to the side, ensuring the future of the Vongola line for at least another minute. The whole thing feels so surreal. Here he is, giving his brother a piggyback ride several hundred feet off the ground and getting pelted with golf balls amidst a monster turtle rampage and for some insane reason, his companions think that this is is an acceptable time to discuss his cloud guardian's untimely erection. "Can we not discuss this while we're trying to stop Enzio from destroying half the forest?" he pleads. Then after a short pause, he adds, "Can we not discuss this ever?"
"I'm not sure I'm supposed to tell you," Dino answers Reborn, in an astounding display of selective hearing.
"And I'm not sure if I'm supposed to change these golf balls to throwing knives," Reborn replies, a line of blades already at his disposal.
"Alright alright!" Dino shouts, nearly rendering Tsuna deaf in one ear. "It's—"
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how one looks at it), Tsuna doesn't get to hear the answer because a new higher-pitched roar rips their attention away from the matter at hand and they all look down at the new development taking place.
Tsuna squints. Did Mukuro just create his own illusory giant turtle? And does it have ribbons and blue hair?
"Her name's Enzilla!" Mukuro calls out from his perch on his abominable creation's shell, the kanji for three flashing sharply in the red of his eye. "I think your pet likes her, Cavallone!"
Rule #69 of being Sawada Tsunayoshi: If he thinks a situation couldn't possibly get any more bizarre, one Rokudo Mukuro will always find new and exciting ways to prove him wrong.
"Tsuna..." Dino whispers, fear palpable in his voice. "Your crazy mist guardian is seducing my turtle."
Tsuna closes his eyes, thinking how wonderful it would be to live in a world where he never heard that sentence. Damn that rule #69.
Dino makes another wordless sound of distress and Tsuna, with nerves too shot to pay heed to his hyper intuition, opens his eyes and looks down.
And he immediately shuts his eyes again, because it's either that or enter a self-induced seizure at the sheer horror.
"Wao." Hibari watches from an outcropping on a nearby cliff, entranced. Hibird twitters shrilly in his ear like it's protesting something, which is utterly ridiculous because there's no way Hibari's going to pass this shit up. It's like Nat Geo iMax only way better.
As trees fall down like matchsticks and wild turtle roars of a different tune slice through the air, Reborn makes a mental note to change Mukuro's criminal status from dangerous psychopath to evil genius, because really, one's gotta give credit where credit is due.
- TBC -
Post A/N: Oh yeah, turtle porn unf unf! I refuse to be responsible for any violent desires for mental scrubbing– I did put Enzio/OC explicitly in the summary.
Anyway, I stated in my profile before that I will no longer upload new content here but it didn't feel right signing off without a farewell fic. So this is it. I actually started writing this 4 years ago, but then real life came in, and it stayed buried in the deep recesses of my WIP folder, at 60% completion. Was browsing through my files last week, saw this and randomly decided to suck it up and try to finish it, despite not having read past the Shimon Arc. My track record with chaptered fics is not perfect but I assure you I will finish this, if only because it's the last. And also because I want to produce something substantial for my beloved crack OTP (D80), which is never written, EVER.
Yamamoto finally makes an appearance in the next chapter, which should be up in a week or so.
'Til the next update, y'all.