The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone out trick or treating. Just some fun holiday madness from my insane little mind.
Cobra or Treat
Somewhere in a very affluent neighborhood in California on Halloween…
"Trick or treat!" A group of children in colorful Halloween costumes called out in front of a door.
"Oh what cute costumes!" A middle age brunette woman who had more facelifts than she cared to admit answered the door. "Oh I love all these costumes!"
She handed out treats. "Some candy for the ghost. Some candy for the pirate. Some candy for the scary monster. And candy for the…What are you supposed to be dear?"
"I'm Cobra Commander! Trick or Treat!" Of course it was the real Cobra Commander carrying a treat sack.
"Aren't you a little…Old for Halloween?" The woman looked at him up and down.
"Just give me the damn candy…" Cobra Commander began in his usual growl. Then changed to a higher pitch. "I'm only fifteen. My Daddy is a Laker."
"Oh, that explains it," The woman blinked. "Here you go." She gave Cobra Commander something. "Have a good night."
"You too," Cobra Commander said cheerfully in his false voice. When she shut the door he growled. "You old bat."
He walked away for a minute. "Wait a second. I got my treat. So she should have her trick!"
Cobra Commander pulled something out of his jacket pocket. A purple vial. "Lucky for me Mindbender whipped up a couple more of these just in case!"
Cackling he went around to the back of the house and threw the vial right at the window. It broke on contact and turned into a purple goop. The goop dissolved the window and fell right into the house.
"AAAAAAAAAHHH!" A woman's scream was heard. "WHAT IS THAT THING? IT'S EATING MY COUCH! AAAAHH!"
"Go Eddie Jr. Go!" Cobra Commander cackled as he ran away.
"Well I'm glad someone is enjoying themselves," Destro grumbled as he joined Cobra Commander on the street. He was also holding a sack.
"Lighten up Destro. It's the only night of the year we can walk around like ourselves and no one will call the cops on us," Cobra Commander told him. "I'm not complaining!"
"Every time I think Cobra can't sink any lower…" Destro moaned. "Does the depth of our degradation know no bounds?"
"Obviously not," Cobra Commander pointed.
Two figures wearing Raggedy Ann and Andy costumes walked up to them. They took off the heads. "Why do I have to be Raggedy Ann?" Xamot asked.
"You lost the coin toss," Tomax shrugged.
"Where did you get those costumes?" Cobra Commander asked.
"We borrowed them…" Xamot coughed.
"From a couple at a Halloween party on the next block," Tomax said.
"Did you happen to borrow their car keys?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Uh we couldn't get to them in time," Xamot coughed.
"Don't ask," Tomax groaned.
"That kind of party huh?" Cobra Commander asked. "Where is it again?"
"Commander focus," Destro winced in pain.
A loud scream could be heard behind them. The Cobras looked behind them. "You used one of the Eddie Junior blobs?" Tomax asked.
"Commander we could have used that!" Xamot added.
"Oh what could be a better use for a blob than getting back and a stuck up old biddy?" Cobra Commander scoffed.
"I don't know…"Destro paused for effect. "Maybe for an actual heist? For real money!"
"Calm down Destro," Mindbender walked up with the Baroness. He was wearing his uniform but had an eyeball painted on his head. "Those Eddie Jr. blobs will self-destruct within an hour. It won't even eat an entire house."
"And if it doesn't we'll be long gone by then," The Baroness waved. She was wearing her usual uniform plus a pair of cat ears on her head.
"What are you supposed to be?" Xamot asked.
"I'm a slutty Cobra kitty," The Baroness said.
"Do your own jokes folks! That one is way too easy for me!" Cobra Commander said.
"Ignoring for now the obvious avalanche of sexual innuendo about the Baroness' costume," Destro sighed. "This whole night has been an exercise in futility!"
"Destro we're broke and living in a stolen ship off the docks," Cobra Commander snapped. "We barely had bus fare to get to this neighborhood! Cobra needs all the help we can get!"
"How can trick or treating help us?" Destro asked.
"Well it's free candy for one thing," Mindbender spoke up.
"Oh shut up Mindbender," Destro said.
"What? Since when is free candy bad?" Mindbender asked.
Another loud scream was heard. "We should move," Cobra Commander looked back at the house. "Let's go up the street to the end of the block."
"Good idea," Destro groaned.
"Boy Eddie Junior sure has an appetite doesn't he?" Mindbender remarked as they left. "He's already devoured the left side of that house!"
Soon they were down the street. "All right how are we doing? Did everyone get this street done?"
"Uh no," The Baroness coughed. "I was only able to finish one house."
"We've been out here an hour and you've only hit one house?" Cobra Commander snapped. "What have you been doing all this time? Or should I say who have you been doing?"
"You know it's not like most of us can pass for teenagers you know?" The Baroness snapped. "Not one word Cobra Commander if you want to keep your teeth!"
"He'll lose them anyway eating this crap," Destro grumbled at the bags.
"Okay let's all take a quick inventory of our loot before we hit another street," Cobra Commander said. "Open your bags and see what we got! Or in the Baroness's case what she doesn't have!"
"And we don't mean her youth…" Xamot began.
"Or looks," Tomax finished.
"You want to see a jawbreaker keep talking like that!" The Baroness made a fist.
"Let's cut the comments and see what candy we got! I'm starting to get hungry!" Cobra Commander said.
"This is degrading," Destro moaned.
"This is your dinner," Cobra Commander snapped. "Okay what have you got?"
"I got some mini Snick Snack bars, a handful of peanut butter cups," Destro checked his bag. "Some Tootsie Rolls, some green hard candy I can't identify and lot of M& M's bags."
"I also got some Snick Snack bars, some stickers," Mindbender went through his bag. "M&M's, a couple of jawbreakers, chocolate bars, a plastic bat ring, some pencils and a cute little Halloween Barbie doll!" He held it up. "See? She's a witch."
"That's not Barbie. That's her younger sister," The Baroness said.
"It's from the Barbie collection," Mindbender said. "Close enough."
"Great, Mindbender got a doll," Cobra Commander rolled his eyes inside his helmet.
"And stickers!" Mindbender protested. "And some pencils. Ooh! And a mini coloring book with crayons!"
"Yeah, yeah…" Cobra Commander waved. "Okay Wonder Twins you're up."
"We have exactly two mini Snick Snack bars," Tomax began.
"Four bags of M&M's," Xamot added. "Two sticks of gum."
"A handful of orange hard candy," Tomax went on. "Four pencils with a Halloween theme."
"Two small bags of chocolate covered Peeps," Xamot added. "Green coloring."
"A small assortment of Butterfingers, chocolate bars…" Tomax added.
"And five pennies," The Twins finished as one.
"Pennies? Now that's just plain insulting," Cobra Commander huffed.
"Don't worry," Xamot waved.
"We set fire to the pumpkins on their front porch in retaliation," Tomax added. In the background fire engines could be heard.
"I thought I smelled smoke earlier," The Baroness remarked.
"What did you get…?" Tomax asked.
"Cobra Commander?" Xamot added.
"I got some M&M's," Cobra Commander said. "Real popular treat this year. Some gum. Some of that unidentifiable green candy Destro got. A popcorn ball…"
"Popcorn ball?" The Baroness interrupted. "What good is a popcorn ball?"
"Maybe we can throw it at someone?" Destro suggested.
"I could always play with its DNA and mutate it," Mindbender said.
"I think you have enough to play with," Cobra Commander gave him a look. "Back to the bag. I also got some mini chocolate bars, a Halloween themed pencil and a few erasers shaped like pumpkins, Tootsie rolls…"
"Do people still eat Tootsie rolls?" Mindbender asked. "I never liked those."
"Nobody likes those but they keep giving them out anyway," Cobra Commander said. "And let's see…A Halloween pen…Some paper clips shaped like bats…"
"Who is the jerk that thought that giving out office supplies was a good Halloween treat?" Destro asked.
"And an apple," Cobra Commander took something out of his bag.
"A candy apple?" Tomax asked.
"No, an actual green apple," Cobra Commander held it up for all to see.
"You'd better be careful Commander," The Baroness said. "There could be a razor blade stuck in there."
"Do people still do that nowadays?" Mindbender asked.
"We thought that was an urban myth," Xamot said.
"Apparently they do," Destro remarked. "The apple part anyway."
"You would think all these rich people would give out better treats," Cobra Commander grumbled as he put the apple back in the bag. "Bunch of cheapskates!"
"Don't complain. It could be the only healthy item we eat tonight!" Destro snapped.
"All right Baroness what did you get in your meager sack of treats?" Cobra Commander said.
"I got some full size candy bars," The Baroness said as she showed him.
"Who was giving out those?" Cobra Commander asked as he looked in her bag. "And the Rolex watch?"
"Uh they didn't exactly give it to me as much as I took," The Baroness coughed. "And when I say they, I mean this halfway good looking rich drunk up the street."
"Is that why you were only able to go to one house?" Destro asked. "You slept with a guy for treats?"
"More like seduced and hit him on the head with a club…" The Baroness said. "You would think a man of his wealth would know better not to invite strange women into his house."
"Lucky for us he didn't," Cobra Commander looked in her bag. "Get any credit cards or cash in there?"
"Some cash, a gold ring, the watch, a diamond necklace, all the candy he had in the house and some silverware," The Baroness said. "I would have gotten more but I thought I heard his wife coming in the front door."
"Okay now we are making progress," Cobra Commander nodded. "I apologize for my earlier comments Baroness. You were obviously on the ball."
"Just let me find another drunk rich jerk who is so plastered he thinks I'm a teenager and I'll get more," The Baroness said.
"Hey Dudes," A teenage boy wearing a Freddy Kruger costume walked by. "Crazy guy up the street is giving out chocolate liquors and condoms. Pass it on!"
"Jackpot!" Cobra Commander yelled as he rushed off in the direction the boy pointed to. "Come on! Let's go!"
"I hate my life," Destro moaned. "I hate my life."