The Care and Keeping of Your Brand-New, Temporary Female Body by Darcy Lewis (with some help from Dr Jane Foster)
Dear Avengers (minus Natasha, sorry, can't help you, babe. I think they got Timulty to map out some stuff for you, he's a sweetie, please don't kill him),
Apparently Agent Coulson thinks that it's about time I actually started doing something for SHIELD other than fetching coffee and increasing the general attractiveness of any group I'm in, and thus has asked me to write up this primer for you guys. I think he might actually believe that there is some super-secret girl wisdom I'm going to be able to impart on you, once I stop laughing at a) the idea of super-secret girl wisdom and b) you guys, for getting yourselves magicked into chicks.
Ok, for real, I doubt you're having fun because, well, body dysmorphia (?) and stuff like that. But at least we know it's temporary and you just need to survive for the next three months. So! Girl wisdom time!
Let me let you in on the ultimate secret, guys: being a woman isn't actually that complicated. Like, we're human, we have existential crises and we rage at the injustice of the world and we try to figure out why we're here, anyway, just like you all do. We just have the added joy of all the morons out there being surprised at this revelation. You mean women, like men, are all unique human beings with big ol' brains in their heads? Shocking! Cue pearl clutching, etc.
People are probably going to try and sell you all sorts of bullshit about stuff you have to do now, like dress a certain way, or wear makeup, or shave. Ignore them. It's your body (at least, temporarily) and you can do whatever the hell you want with it (so long as you don't break any laws, I am obligated to point out because I am technically a government employee).
Now, obviously, some stuff is going to be different. Like, it would probably be a good idea to acquire some clothing that at least fits, given the change in the dimensions/size of your bodies. Maybe also you should get different shampoo because I read somewhere once that guys have coarser hair than girls (I'm not actually sure if this is true or not). But you all live on this planet most of the time, so you probably know that there are only two main differences that I'm going to have to get into with you.
1. You have boobs now. I remember being 13 so I totally sympathize because that is really fucking weird, isn't it? You are probably like THIS IS WRONG MAKE IT STOP, which, hey welcome to puberty for every girl, ever. Or maybe I'm talking out my ass and I was the only one. Anyway, whether you actually have to wear a bra depends on how big your tits are, obviously. Or not obviously? I've never been a dude, I don't know what you guys think girls' lives are like.
A couple of you (and I think you know who you are) could stand to go some place and get measured. Other than that, it's pretty much just a matter of what's comfortable. Relatively flat-chested women are lucky because Jane tells me you can do pretty much whatever the hell you want.
[This is Jane. First let me say I'm very sorry this has happened and I doubt it will be fun to deal with, even though it is going to wear off. On the subject of underwear, yes, if you're flat-chested you can wear nothing but sports bras all the time, which would be my personal recommendation because they're comfortable and you can get cheap ones at Walmart. Also, don't let Darcy tell you that you have to buy "sexy" underwear, as she is of the opinion that everyone should own some, but if that isn't comfortable for you, you are under no obligation to do so. I don't.]
2. Menstruation is the bigger of the two deals and you are totally within your rights to think it's freaky and gross because, again, every 13 year old girl, ever. It's uncomfortable and weird, it's messy, and it can come with side-effects like cramps, nausea, a bad mood, and light-headedness. Also probably other things; I don't know, I'm not actually every woman in the world. If you're lucky, it'll be fine. If you're not lucky, it could be hell on earth. And if you're super lucky, you'll be so stressed out you'll skip it.
Stuff like Ibuprophen and a hot pack can help, and just remember, it will get better and no, you're not actually dying.
Most of you have probably either dated enough women or watched enough television ads to know about pads vs tampons. Pads are way less complicated, so you should probably just go with those. I am not getting paid enough to explain to you how this stuff works. Jane gets paid a ton more than me; maybe she will?
[No I won't, sorry, because I'm being paid to do actual scientific things. If you have any questions, please refer them to Darcy. Her email is cherrypop . Thank you.]
She is no fun at all.
Ok, what else should I write about?
1. You don't have to shave, but if you want to, don't shave your arms. That's weird. No one does that. (Unless they do? I don't think they do…)
2. If you work with chemicals or regularly get your hands greasy and chip your nails, painting your nails is a total waste of time.
3. This one might actually be useful: you probably have less tolerance to alcohol now, so be careful and learn your new limits. Obviously this doesn't apply to Thor and Steve. Also, Tony, this is not a challenge.
4. If you decide to let your hair grow longer, keep in mind that within 3 months you're probably only going to reach "awkward and shaggy" so it's most likely not worth it.
5. If some (possibly well-meaning or not) idiot calls you "girl," Agent asks that you kindly refrain from punching them in the face. I myself fully endorse face-punching so long as someone gets a video.
That's all I can think of for now. Good luck! And if you have questions, you should totally send them to Jane at . If you want actual answers, send them my way, too.
Totally Professional Kisses,