II. Icy Rain
Usagi stood in the hallway of her former apartment complex. Her eyes surveying the door as she waited for Mamoru to answer. He had told her he wanted the divorce to be official as soon as possible, so she called him early that morning leaving a message letting him know she would be delivering the documents. It was the reason she stood in front of his door waiting.
The outside hallway of the apartment was cold but Usagi didn't seem to notice it at all. Although it was winter she didn't notice the freezing temperatures, instead she continued to stare at the door. Something was missing. It was probably unimportant to everyone else, but to her it was another sign that her relationship with Mamoru was truly over.
The small welcome ornament that used to hang on the door was missing. She had hung the small welcoming ornament up last year. It didn't bother her that it was gone, or that was what she told herself. She knocked once more becoming impatient. She couldn't stand being in that place, so close to her former home. Her pleasant memories of her time there were being overshadowed by the overwhelming sadness she experienced. Before she could dwell too long Mamoru finally opened the door. His surprise was evident on his face. He hadn't expected her even though she called.
"Usagi...you're early." he said rubbing at his eyes completely taken aback that Usagi wasn't late. In fact she was too early. She looked down at her watch and noticed that it was five in the morning. She felt embarrassed but didn't say anything. Instead of explaining, she handed him the sealed envelope. She hadn't slept at all the days leading up to her decision. She could feel the bags under her eyes. She was tired.
"Everything is there, you can check if you want. I will pick up the rest of my things later." she turned to leave but he grabbed her hand. Her hands were freezing. She usually had on heavier clothes in the winter but she still had yet to get them from the apartment. At the moment she could but she didn't want to step foot into the apartment. She couldn't do it yet and she didn't want to see that place.
"Mamoru please let go of my hand." she said gently pulling her hand out of his. He let go and she started to leave. He didn't even attempt to stop her. Her heart was breaking all over again and the only thing on her mind was Chibiusa. What would happen to her? She felt like she was killing her and Mamoru didn't seem to care. Tears were about to surface but she bit the inside of her cheeks to stop herself.
"Usagi, I'm sorry." his words fell on deaf ears because she was too deep in thought to listen or care. She didn't want to feel the way she was feeling. Doubts plagued her and she didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to handle the reality of losing her daughter and everything she cared about. She couldn't comprehend what was happening to her life.
Quickly she ran down the steps to leave the building. Her heart was racing and her mind followed, as she tried to hold back her tears, again. She needed to get home and finish packing her things. Her mother wanted her to stay longer, but for the first time in Usagi's life she wanted to be alone. She didn't want anyone around her. She just wanted silence.
She decided to move out of her parent's home. She had saved enough money from working to rent an apartment. Mamoru had usually taken care of the bills leaving her to buy the household items. So she was left with a lot of money to save. At some point she decided to save the money for the house she thought she and Mamoru would need one day. She felt like she was slapped in the face with realization and to prevent herself from crying she decided to ignore the sadness gripping her heart.
She went home and began to pack. It was silent since her father was at work. Her mother was out shopping and her brother was at school. The silence was soothing and heartbreaking all at once. She hated to be left alone with her thoughts because it was as if her mind didn't know how to think about anything but Mamoru and Rei. Yet, she wanted to be alone so she didn't have to wear a mask.
Her mind tortured her with images she'd seen and questions that overwhelmed her. So once again she was alone trying to hold back the tears. Deep breath after deep breath and she finally calmed down. She had gotten everything that belonged to her packed up. The last step was to move everything.
"Usagi." Her mother called to her as she came into the house and Usagi knew she wouldn't be able to leave without telling her mother.
The apartment she rented was small and nothing like the one she had shared with Mamoru. It was a place just for her. A place she would call home one day. She started to unpack and place things where they belong. Her mother had come home before she left and helped her move. Usagi had wanted to move her things before anyone came back but she couldn't do it alone.
Her mother knew exactly what she was doing but didn't seem to be angry, instead her mother helped her. Usagi smiled to herself at the last thing her mother said before she left.
"Usagi don't worry, things will get better. But, don't forget about your friends or your family. We'll always be here when you need us."
Her words reminded Usagi that she wasn't alone, but she still wasn't ready to speak with her friends. She didn't know what to say or how to act. She was afraid she would disappoint them or she would break down in tears if she saw them.
It was something she couldn't take the risk of happening. So she wanted to wait a little while longer before she spoke to them.
Later she finally finished unpacking her belonging and decided to cook something, but she had yet to buy food. She sighed and went to find her coat. The weather had gotten worse since the morning. She looked around until she realized she didn't have it. It was still at her old apartment. She didn't want to go back over there so she decided to dress in layers instead. She left her home and went to the store.
Usagi had not expected the weather to be so bad. Her hands were freezing and it looked as if rain would pour down at any moment from the darkened clouds. It seemed as if things would never brighten up for her. She bit her lip to stop the quivering.
Inside the store was warm and she didn't really want to go back outside, when she finished shopping. She ignored her thoughts and began shopping. She had decided to make soup so she started looking for the vegetables and broth. She spent a little while in the store and when she finally left, she had her dinner and a snack. She felt a lot better after shopping. Her mouth was already watering for the stew she would make. All she had to do now was go to the video store to rent her favorite anime movie.
She looked up at the evening winter sky. The clouds were covering the sky in different shades of grey. It was as if the sky would cry at any moment. She felt the same, but she found herself biting her lip again but harder this time to prevent it. She thought to herself absent-mindedly that if she didn't stop doing that she would hurt herself. Her mood had lightened in the store but as soon as she saw the sky it plummeted.
Everyone around her seemed to go on like everything was fine. Nothing was going wrong in their lives. She felt alone, she was losing everything and she had no one to turn to. It wasn't because no one was there but because she didn't want to make everything awkward. How could she go to her friends crying without making them dislike Rei? No one could help her because of that reason. She just couldn't rely on them for support. In the end, she would have to deal with it by herself before she could even attempt to talk to her friends about the situation. She walked faster down the crowded street. She wanted to go home, back to how things were.
The unknown was scaring her. She didn't know what to expect anymore. Everything used to be so easy. She knew who she loved and what would become of them. She was supposed to be happy with Mamoru but now she found herself alone walking down a freezing street aimlessly.
Her feet carried her to the place she avoided for the last couple of months. It was a small café that stayed open during the evening hours. She knew if she went there she wouldn't be able to take it. She reached the small café where she spent her last anniversary. Back then she didn't realize how distance Mamoru was, but looking back, even then they were growing apart. She was so foolish to believe her relationship was perfect. She thought because they knew what the future held she wouldn't have to worry.
She was so wrong and it hurt to know there was nothing she could do to stop the end of their relationship. Staring blankly into the café she saw something she wished with all her heart she hadn't.
They were together speaking and because she was outside she couldn't understand the words. Yet the actions Mamoru took were clear. They were arguing and Rei was about to leave. He took her by the arm and pulled her into a gentle hug. He whispered to her and her eyes filled with tears but as quickly as they appeared they were gone. He kissed the tears away and all Usagi could do was watch the two of them.
Mamoru really did love Rei.
She felt like she was physically stabbed in the heart. The very sky cried out for her because no sound could escape her. Ice cold water fell to the earth and Usagi didn't dare move from her spot. She didn't even realize she was getting wet. She mumbled apologies that no one could hear over the rain.
Deep down she was glad it was raining because her resolve had shattered in an instant and no matter how much she bit her lip the tears would not stop. The sobs that came from her were drowned out by the powerful sound of the rain and thunder. She stood outside the window of the shop like a lost child crying out as loud as she could but no one could hear her. No one would come to save her. Not today, not ever again.
Embarrassment finally took over and she covered her face. She wanted to stop the sounds that poured out of her mouth. She wanted to disappear, to escape from the sadness that would not let go of her. Her sobs became louder and she couldn't stop them.
"Mamo-chan...Mamo..." She cried to herself. No matter what she didn't or how much she tried to denied it. Her relationship with Mamoru was dead and there was nothing she could do to change it. Chibiusa was gone and she would never see her again. Her child was gone and so was her husband. Everything was shattering to pieces in front of her. Usagi was left with nothing but the icy rain that fell from the heavens. "Someone please...please make it stop...don't let her die. Don't kill my Chibusa. Don't take her from me."
Her body shook from the freezing temperatures and the sobs. No one seemed to notice the heartbroken woman crying. Everyone continued to run to safety of shops or their homes to escape the rain leaving the broken rabbit all alone in the rain.
'Help me... someone please help me. Save from this unbearable pain.' her voice never reached outside of her mind when she begged for help. The world was closing in and every breath she took became shallow. She was crying so hard she could barely breathe but she continued because she couldn't stop the onslaught of despair. It was slowly consuming her mind and heart leaving nothing left of Usagi.
Before knew what was happening she was being pulled into strong arms. The cold rain stopped assaulting her and she was shielded from everything that threatened to break her. It only caused her sobs to worsen because she didn't dare believe anyone was there for her. There couldn't possibly be anyone there for her, yet the arms that held her didn't loosen at all. They remained there keeping her safe from everything. Finally the person spoke.
"Odango…why are you crying?"