VII. Broken Hearts
The night air out on her balcony was enough to wake her up from her small nap. She didn't usually fall asleep outside but today was a little different. It had been three weeks since Seiya left and he called her everyday just like he said he would. She waited for the calls and felt relief when they finally came. Her nightmares had been getting worse but she kept it from Seiya because whenever he called it sounded as if he was tired. She only wanted to hear his voice so she didn't say much unless he asked.
He would telling her about his day and asked about hers, always asking if she was doing alright by herself and if she needed him to come back. She would tell him countless times he needed to stay with his friends because it was something he really wanted to do. She didn't want to hold him back from what he loved. To end their conversation she would tell him over and over she was doing fine.
In reality she was doing so-so. She feared her dreams as they became more vivid. The dreams no longer centered on Mamoru but now it seemed to center on something else. It was dark and consuming, nothing like she felt before. It was a fleeting feeling but she knew if she could grasp it, it would feel like an even harsher version of Wiseman and that bothered her because he had a lot of control and was able to twist people to his will with his words.
She didn't want to deal with that again. The ominous feeling she had was not greater than Galaxia but it was enough for her to take notice.
Her phone began to vibrant with the cutest jingle she could find and she couldn't help but smile. He was calling her and it was about time. She quickly picked up the white cell phone and answered.
"Hi." she said feeling slightly nervous. They had talked every day for the last three weeks and now she was feeling nervous. It was he made her heart skip a beat every time she heard his voice. Just listening to him every day and learning about each other was refreshing and she realized that she knew Seiya better than she ever knew Mamoru and that hurt more than she would have liked it.
Mamoru was the past. He didn't love her and she had to constantly remind herself of that fact. She could love him but it didn't mean she had to. She really didn't want to love him anymore. She was ready to move on but she could just tell her heart to move on. It was going to take some time before she could love someone else.
Seiya was something else...the future? He made her feel different from how she felt for Mamoru. She didn't feel like she had to be someone else. She didn't feel as if she had to aspire to being the Queen of Crystal Tokyo.
She didn't want to waste her time thinking about Mamoru any longer when Seiya was there on the phone with her telling her how the crowd roared for him, Yaten and Taiki. His excitement always rubbed off on her and sometimes she found herself on the edge of her seat as he told her about all the things that happened during the concert. He had even told her he fractured his wrist from being mobbed by fan girls. It made Usagi jealous and happy that she was jealous because it meant she really did want Seiya. She was leaving behind the pain and moving forward.
"I'll be back in Tokyo at the end of the week and I'll be staying until the end of the year. Then I'm off again to tour but that is further in the future and could change at any moment. What I really can't wait to do is see you and maybe eat some of your cooking."
"What would you like?" she asked knowing what he was going to say.
"Hamburgers." she could feel him smiling and he clearly came to her mind. His blue eyes would be full of happiness. She really wanted to see him but she could wait. She was doing much better than she was at first.
"Seiya..." she said not sure of what she should say but wanted to tell him how she felt, "Can we talk when you come back."
"Of course, Odango. There is also something I want to tell you but not over the phone. By the way Yaten and Taiki want to have dinner with you. It has been a while since you've all talked. They were worried about you too."
Usagi sniffled over the phone. Her delicate heart was bursting with happiness. "Tell them I didn't mean to worry them and that I'll make them whatever they want to eat."
"Okay, I have to go now but I'll be sure to call you tomorrow at the same time."
"Okay, be safe." she said not wanting to let him go but knowing he had to get up soon. It was morning where he was and he needed to rest for a little while longer.
"Bye, bye Odango."
"Bye." she said and waited for him to end the phone call. When he hung out she let out a deep breath. She felt so much better when she talked to him
After she finished talking to him she went inside and looked at her messy apartment. She was normally much neater since she gotten older but trying to put together a storyboard was a little more tedious than she initially thought. She was out of practice so it was taking a little longer than normal. She sighed to herself knowing she had to clean up.
She started to clean up her apartment while thinking over some notes she made. Her life had been relatively quiet lately and she was just fine with that. Her friends had promise to stop by to see her but with their busy schedules she didn't expect them to the weekend. So, she spent that last couple weeks visiting her family and working on her storyboard. It was easy to lose herself when she was working so she did a fair amount of it, which was probably making up for all the times she was lazy as a teenager. She laughed at the thought of being a teenager. It seemed so long ago.
She was carefree back then even when there was an enemy she had her friends with her. Now it was just her alone.
She finished picking up her last book of research material and sat down on her small couch. Finally her apartment had furniture and it was starting to feel homely. She turned on her TV and mindlessly flipped through the channels until she found an interview with pop idol Ai. She sat and watched but her mind was on her dreams. They were really disturbing and she wanted to speak to Rei about the dreams. She was hoping they were not a premonition of some sort, but she hadn't mustered up enough courage to talk to the woman.
Usagi had even called Rei's cell phone a couple times but hung up before an answer. She felt bad about doing it because Rei probably thought she was prank calling her out of resentment. When in fact the problem was she just couldn't get the right words to form in her mind.
What was she supposed to say?
She really wanted things not to be so awkward but she didn't think that would happen anytime soon. So, she was stuck worrying over her dreams. There was a knock at her door and she looked toward the door unsure of who it could be. She got up and then went to the door to answer it. She was a bit surprised that it was Ami.
"Hi." Usagi said slightly confused as to why Ami was at her door at this hour. "Shouldn't you be at home?"
The blue haired girl gave her a light smile. "I came to check on you, I know it's kind of late but I just left work and you were on my mind. I know I said this weekend but something has been bothering me for the last couple of days. I'm not sure what it is but if feels like something bad is looming around you."
"I understand, I've been feeling it as well but I don't know what it could be. I even started to have horrible dreams." Usagi let the woman in and then closed the door slightly panicked now that she wasn't the only one feeling the aura of evil surrounding her. It was like someone was watching her. Whatever it was, it was looming over her.
"You should talk to Rei, I'm sure she could help you." Ami voice was hesitant but firm. Usagi nodded knowing that she needed to but she wasn't sure if she could just yet.
"I will...but not just yet. I want to wait a little longer. I can't talk to her just yet, not yet. Please don't make me." her voice was laced with fear. "I don't want to say the wrong thing."
Ami looked at her friend with a sympathetic look and nodded. "Take your time Usagi, but don't wait too long I'm afraid something bad will happen. Haruka and Michiru want to speak with you as soon as possible about you and Mamoru. Makoto asked them to give you some more time."
Usagi knew what was going to happen if she had that conversation and she wasn't ready to open that can of worms. She was barely making it on her own. Talking with Michiru and Haruka would only make her already trying situation worse. She knew they wanted what was best for her but this was not something they could change. She only hoped that they could take the truth as well as her friends had.
Michiru would be tactful and polite while Haruka would place the harsh truth in the light. She only wondered if they were going to talk to Mamoru as well. She only hoped they would go easy on him because none of this was his fault or hers. People just fall out of love or stop lying themself in Mamoru's case.
"I should go but you really need to talk to Rei as soon as your heart will let you." Ami was very concerned and Usagi could see it so she tried to put on a brave face.
"I understand and I will, thank you for coming to see me... How is Mamoru?" she didn't want to ask but lately her friends started to repair their relationship with Rei and Mamoru. It made her happy but also it made her hate that he was so easily forgiven. It was what she wanted but deep down it hurt. She couldn't even spend time with her friends because she was still so messed up. Fear always made her put distance between them because there was always the possibility that they would say the wrong thing.
Usagi knew she was still a long way away from being herself again. She was so far from being truly happy that she didn't really believe she could ever attain it. The emotion that used to live in her heart was nothing but a fleeting feeling that only came when she was with Seiya. She felt like she was wearing a mask in front of her friends. It was a mask that she couldn't take off for fear of what was really behind it. She didn't want them to see her, not the real person that suffered a large blow to her heart and self-esteem.
"He's worried about you." Ami said truthfully.
A bitter laugh escaped Usagi and she put her hand to her mouth. Ami said nothing but knew that the laugh wasn't from humor. It was crack in Usagi's personality.
"Really Usagi he is worried about you."
"I guess he would be. I'll try to talk to Rei as soon as I can." she said looking away from Ami. The blue haired woman nodded and then gently grasped Usagi's shoulder reassuringly. Usagi wanted her to let go. She didn't want Ami to touch her. It would make her want to be comforted.
"It won't always hurt."
"I really want to believe that but right now it's hard." her words were full of sadness and Ami didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to do. Usagi plastered a smile on her face because this was what she was afraid of.
She didn't want to sit in silence surrounded by her friends during an awkward moment. At that point she'd rather suffer alone.
"It's okay Ami, I'm sure it will get better one day." she assured her friend and then saw her off. She was left in the apartment alone fighting off the urge to cry but she didn't. She wouldn't allow herself to because she was done with tears. They did nothing to help her. Tear only held her back from moving forward.
Seiya sat drinking hot tea in the small hotel cafe that he and his friends were staying at. It was too early in the morning to do anything else and preparations for the concert didn't start until later on that day. He looked over to Taiki and then to Yaten. He was bored but wasn't really interested in leaving the hotel. The swarm of women outside was a deterrent.
"So how's your princess doing?" Yaten asked flipping through a magazine.
"She's doing better than she was when I met up with her outside of that cafe. Usagi's strong but sometimes I wonder if she's going to break. She's lost her husband, her daughter and her future. I personally think she's doing a lot better than most." he sighed lightly worried over the blonde.
"It's good that she is strong or that fight against Galaxia would have ended differently. But I guess it is a reason to worry if she tries to force herself to be strong when she really needs help, she will break. Usagi's a sweet woman but she thinks about everyone else before herself. Sometimes it's better to look out for one's best interest before others." Taiki stated in a matter-of-factly tone as he read over an article in the newspaper.
Seiya hadn't realized how cynical Taiki could be but then again they had been through a lot and his logic was sound.
"How long are you going to wait?" Yaten asked looking over at Seiya. He was staring down at his tea.
"However long it takes. Usagi means a lot to me and I won't force her to love me if she's not ready." Seiya pressed his finger to his forehead as if pained. Then he took a deep breath.
"Are you alright? If you don't feel good you should lay down for a while." Taiki said still reading the article but there was a note of worry in his voice.
"No, it just a slight headache. It happens when I wake up sometimes." Always after he'd dream, he realized.
Yaten observed Seiya then spoke. "You should rest anyway. We have a performance tonight and I know you don't want to perform under those conditions."
Seiya nodded and then rose from his seat. "Alright, I'll see you both a little later."
As he left Yaten looked to Taiki. "I think he's still having nightmares. I haven't asked him in a while but don't you remember how he used to get intense headache in the morning after a nightmare."
Taiki nodded remembering that it was enough to bring tears to Seiya's eyes. It was a rare sight that bothered him a lot. "When he wakes we should see what going on with him."
It was early in the morning when Usagi woke up from her nightmare. Her hands grasped at her sheets and a scream was ripped from her throat. She turned and pressed her face into her pillow in an effort to stifle the sound of her crying. She didn't even know why she was crying.
There was a sadness looming over her mind and no matter how much she tried to remember she could not focus on the dream that brought the feeling to her heart.
After an hour of laying silent on the bed she finally moved to begin her day. She finished her storyboard and had to turn it into her publisher for approval. She cleaned up and grabbed her breakfast to take with her. Then she headed out with the package containing her work.
She ate her small muffin as she walked toward the bus stop. Before she could even reach her destination she met Rei and Mamoru at the corner of the street. They both seem to be waiting for her. She took a step back from them wishing she had stay home, wishing that she had gone anywhere but toward that bus stop. Her heart was pounding and she felt something building in her chest. Fear was gripping her tightly. It was slowly crushing her.
"Usagi...we need to talk." Rei said and Usagi couldn't help the pitiful look that marred her features.
"Usagi this is about your dreams." Mamoru added and Usagi knew that Ami must have told Rei. She was not ready for this moment. She did not want to see them together, not yet. They always worked so well together and complimented each other, while she stood out and could never get it right. She hated how inferior she felt around them.
Mamoru had taught her a lot about how to be more ladylike but with Rei there was no need to. She bit down roughly on her lip and then looked at them. She needed to escape because she could stand the crushing feeling around her.
"I can't talk right now, but later on would be fine. I have to deliver this as soon as possible." she lied to save herself and before either of them could say anything Usagi was already half way down the street.
She turn so many corner that she found herself lost and in tears. No matter how much she denied her pain it wouldn't go away. It wouldn't leave her alone. All she wanted was to gather her pieces without everyone around her. Her friends worried over her and she knew that, but they didn't understand. No one understood what he did to her. No one could understand the pain she was feeling. It was so deep that it changed her. It scarred her.
They didn't understand how she loved him so much she thought she would die when he left. They couldn't understand that she had relied so heavily on her future with him that she neglected her present self. She strived to be that queen he loved and in the end she realized that it was for naught because he never really loved her. They didn't understand how much it hurt her, how it tore apart something inside her that couldn't be fixed. Now the scar was only growing.
She was ashamed that she was hurt the way she was. She was ashamed that everything fell apart in front of her and she couldn't do anything to save it. They didn't understand any of it, yet Mamoru and Rei had flaunted their love at her. Wasn't it enough to see them together doing things she could only dream of? Wasn't it enough that she made a fool of herself, trying to be someone she wasn't? Wasn't it enough!?
Tears ran down her cheeks and all she could do was stop the noises from erupting. Her hands pressed tightly to her mouth. She stayed away because she feared this would happen and it did. They broke her again and it was as if they didn't even understand what they were doing to her. She ran to her apartment because that was her safe haven. It was where Seiya had been, it was the place she could go to and feel safe.
She slammed the door behind her and suddenly everything came crashing down on her, like a hammer on a crystal glass. The crushing weight in her chest exploded. It bubbled up pass her lungs up to her throat until it finally spilled forth.
She screamed out in anger and for the first time in her life she lost control. Everything was taken from her and she was supposed to move on like there was nothing wrong. She was to smiled and still be herself. She was supposed to live like she never knew.
Her daughter would never be born and all because she could not force Mamoru to love her. She couldn't have her child because she loved Mamoru. She loved him so much and he never even felt the same way. Every kiss, every hug, and every night they lay together was forced. He hated her and she knew it. She knew it but she ignored it.
What she saw that night was what being with Mamoru was really like. She had seen them doing things she could never even imagine with Mamoru. The scenes played like a movie in her mind. Over and over it played in her mind. The sounds, the words, and the lust, all of it was there before her like it was reality. Everything with her was forced and when she saw what it was like when it wasn't. She knew
She knew, she meant nothing to him. Her whole life was a joke, a cruel joke.
The weight continued to bubble forth with hatred and rage. She tore through her apartment. Her living room was closest so she broke her TV, destroyed her kotatsu and threw a kitchen chair through her balcony glass doors. Her kitchen didn't stand a chance as she broken her dishes and glasses. Blood hit the floor from her hands being cut up but she didn't care. She never felt rage until that moment and she broke everything she could get her hands on. Her tears didn't stop and her broken sounds wouldn't cease.
"What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do?" She could hear banging on her door and Mamoru's voice calling to her, but she didn't move toward the door. She went out to her balcony and she looked over it and she wondered how selfish she could be for once in her life. Her hands gripped the rail tightly and she looked over the edge almost longingly.
Was this how the princess felt when she lost her prince?
Was this suffocation she felt sadness?
A small jingle went off. It was a cute tone that belonged to the only person that mattered at that moment. It was her lifeline because she was literally about to go over the edge. She picked up the white cell phone and looked at it. Her blood stained the white cover of the phone. It kept ringing and she even second guessed herself as she looked to the railing. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't think or proper comprehend what she was doing.
"Hello..." her voice was broken like her heart.
"Odango...what's wrong. What happened?"
He was always there for her. He had never hurt her and she could always trust him. Seiya was there even when she was ready to give up. He was there when he deserved so much better than her. She was still in love with Mamoru. He had her heart and she couldn't get it back. No matter what she did she couldn't get back the part of her that was broken. She wanted Seiya to be there at the moment so he could help her.
She needed help because she wasn't thinking straight anymore. It felt like the world was crashing down on her again and this time the one person that saved her wasn't there.
"Odango!" Seiya yelled at her wanted her to say something.
"I need help...I n-need h-help." she repeated and each time her voice cracked until it shattered into sobs. "S-seiya...help me...please make it stop."
"Odango...odango..." he felt himself close to tears and rage all at once, "I'm coming. I'm on my way, right now."
It was no lie because he was leaving his dressing room and heading to the nearest airport. He could hear Yaten asking him where he was going but he didn't answer. He had to keep Usagi on the phone because he knew if he hung up he would never hear her voice again.
"Odango, where are you." he asked her with his softest voice.
"Home..." he could hear banging in the background and voices.
"What's all that noise." he gently prodded.
"Them...them..." it was all she could say and he understood.
"Where in your house are you, odango."
"Balcony." she said with small involuntary animal like noises.
"Usagi, go inside to you your room and lay down for me, but stay on the phone with me okay." he opened the door to the small car they had rented and was pushed to the side. Seiya turned and Taiki was taking the keys. He gave him a slight smile and Seiya nodded going to the other side. Yaten jumped in the back and then they were off to the airport.
As they drove to the airport Seiya kept speaking to Usagi but he could tell she was losing focus. "Odango...listen to me sing and you better not fall asleep on me."
"Ok..." she sounded tired but she didn't stop listening.
Usagi listened to the soothing voice across the line and she got lost in its sound. This was not what she meant to happen. She didn't mean to lose control. She didn't mean to become so broken, but here she was unable to do anything but listen to the voice over the phone.
Seiya stopped singing. "Don't be."
"I'm sorry...Seiya, I'm so sorry." her voice was regretful and Seiya knew something was wrong with the way she apologized.
"Odango don't! Please don't do this." he couldn't believe what was happening. He should have never left her alone. She had been doing so well. Why did they have to pressure her? "Odango, you'll hurt me if you do this. You'll break my heart."
"But it hurts..."
"I know...I know it does, but if you do this, it will hurt me just like you're hurting." he said trying his best to stay composed and help her see reason.
"But..." she cried out, "But..."
"Odango, you're breaking my heart…please stop." his voice cracked and he couldn't control the words that spilled forth.
Usagi listened and she could hear the tears he held back and she knew she was wrong. She was so wrong to forget about him.
"Am I still not good enough, even to help you? Will I ever be good enough..." to be loved by you, he didn't finish.
Silence was all that was left. In her home there was silence and inside the car where Seiya was half way around the world. It was as if the world had stopped just for the two of them.
"I'll wait for you. I promise. I promise I'll wait right here in this room for you so please come soon." she said hugging her pillow tightly.
"I'm on my way Odango. I'm on my way."
AN: This chapter seriously got out of hand and went in a totally different direction than I had in mind. Well it turned out well but now I have to move some things around. The outer senshi will be coming soon. I have a couple of plot points to hit before I get to them. Unfortunately the next chapter is a flashback chapter for everyone. So I'll give a little information on what happen to Seiya, Yaten and Taiki, but not too much. It will be centered on Usagi, Mamoru and Rei. It also won't be that long, it a bonus chapter since I completely change up what I was going to write.
Please, please review. I don't bite and I answer to all off them. They encourage me to continue, without them I lose interest in continuing. But thank you for all the follows. It's good to know people are enjoying this story.