"I'm telling you, we should shotgun it," said Troy.
Abed looked up from the scene he was storyboarding over to Troy, who was lying on his back and throwing a football rhythmically into the air.
"Do you mean 'elope' or are you actually pregnant?" he asked.
Troy laughed and sat up to face Abed; the football skittered to the floor.
"If I say I am do I still have to tell my parents I'm getting married?"
Abed tapped his pencil on his chin.
"Depends on the type of pregnancy. If it's an alien that's parasitically feeding off of you then I'd say yes so that you can have a sentimental goodbye before the alien rips out of your chest and makes its way to the nearest city to wreak havoc, hopefully somewhere much more iconic than Denver."
"If it were aliens then you'd have to be pregnant too, because I wouldn't go on a spaceship without you," Troy said, smiling.
"Cool, so we can rule that out," said Abed. "Ok then: are you or have you ever been a werewolf or another mystical being related to the moon? Because you could be going through a ritual spiritual impregnation. I think that could be shocking enough to your parents that relatively the news that you're getting married to a guy would be welcomed for its normalcy."
"If I was, I would know the phases of the moon. My fourth grade teacher just kept saying 'Gibbous some more moon!' Which was weird because, like, the moon isn't lazy Mrs. Christianson, stop making so many demands of it and maybe it will become full again at its own pace," said Troy.
"Ok," said Abed, "Have you been exposed to any magic spells lately? Because that could end up in a journey where the spell could be reversed, and then your parents wouldn't have to know."
Troy sighed, flopped on his back, and covered his face with a pillow.
"No magic spells, no potions, and no radioactivity either. We can't have a shotgun wedding because I'm not pregnant, and my Nana is being telepathic and telling me to be ashamed of myself before I even call my parents."
Abed cocked his head.
"Are you ashamed of yourself?" he asked.
Troy uncovered his face with a pillow and looked over to Abed, his face soft.
"No, of course not. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Abed. But my family and the church-I don't know if they'll be able to see that. Last time I saw my Nana she scolded me for even being friends with people who aren't other Jehova's Witnesses," he said.
"Well," he said, "on sitcoms if a relationship is kept a secret, the people who aren't supposed to find out about it always end up finding out anyway, usually by walking in on the two people in a relationship having sex. Inviting your family to the wedding might prevent your grandmother from walking in on that."
Troy flailed in the vague direction of his phone and covered its speakers with his palm.
"Shh!" he said, "Abed, now that idea is out in the universe. Now Nana knows. Nana can feel unpleasantness from miles away. Nana knows everything, Abed."
"Vaguely," said Abed, "She has no idea what us explicitly having sex would look like-"
"Ok, well I'm going to call her, and you're not going to say anything else, and then we're going to deal with your family next so be quiet and think clean thoughts. Soap. Detergent. That stuff Annie sprays in her room so that it smells nice." said Troy as he dialed the phone.
"My thoughts are clean as can be, Troy," said Abed. He heard Nana pick up on the other end and mentally scrubbed a little harder.
Notes: The Gibbous moon story is based on life experience. When I was young that was the way my teacher had us memorize why the Gibbous moon was named like it was i.e. "give us some more moon." Poor Troy didn't click with that memory technique, apparently. I'm basing the sitcom cliche of 'walking in on a secret couple having sex' primarily in my mind on that Friends episode where one of the group members (Rachel?) walks in on Chandler and Monica having sex while they're still a secret relationship. I know there have been many other shows that have done it but that is the one in particular I was thinking of. . .if anyone was interested to know. "Ritual spiritual impregnation" was pulled completely out of my ass. I personally just think it's funny that so many werewolf fics have mPreg in them as well, but I didn't think Abed would be the type of person who would read fanfic so I pulled that from nowhere just so I could give it a tip of my hat. Thanks to anonymouslyyours for kicking ideas around with me.