Title: Dating Advice from a Vampire

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. I just play with them.

Rating: T

Summary: "Do you want to know what dating a human is really like? What kissing one is really like? It's like licking your meal when you're starving to death."

AN: I blame this one on my roommate, who gave me a line and I ran with it. She also read it and made sure it did not Suck So Hard. Yay!


Introduction: A Vampire's Guide to Dating

Elena paused at the grand door, fist poised over the hard wood. The sky was clear, the air crisp with the touch of winter, and all in all it was a beautiful day. It conflicted with her inner turmoil over what she was about to do. The day should be gloomy, preferably with thundering clouds and ominous skies. Instead, it was so cheery outside that it made her teeth hurt.

Before she could turn away and run to her car, she swallowed her pride and steeled her nerves for what would probably be the most stupid thing she had ever done and rapt her knuckles on the door.

It swung open immediately, revealing the reason why she had come today. Damon took a sip of bourbon, eyed her up and down, and smirked. "I was wondering how long you were going to just stand there."

Elena blinked at him. "You knew I was here? Why didn't you let me in?"

"And seem like an over eager puppy? Heaven forbid."

Releasing her breath in exasperation, she walked past him. Elena stopped in the middle of the living foyer and looked around, hoping Stefan was not around. That would make what she was about to ask all the more weird.

"I have a favor to ask," she began. Then paused. Opened her mouth, closed it again, then shut her eyes as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I'm always open to favors," he said, and she could feel his leer burning into her back.

"Is Stefan around?" she asked instead as she turned to him.

His eyes hardened as he threw back the rest of his drink. "No."

Just like that. No. No explanation, no innuendo, nothing. Just no.

She nodded with a mumble. "Good."

Curious, he slunk toward her. The look in his eye changed, though he remained guarded. "What? Not here to try and win back your one true love?"

She gave him a pointed look before rolling her eyes. "No."

If he could give monosyllabic answers, so could she.

"Then why, pray tell, are you here?" The slink turned into a saunter as he flashed a mischievous grin. "Unless you're here to woo me. Not that I would mind, but I warn you, I expect flowers and hearts and doodles in your notebook of 'Mrs. Damon Salvatore' as you daydream about me in homeroom."

She laughed. It was all she could do, for that was the safest response she had. Teasing each other was safe, or at least safer than any alternative she could come up with. "Have you been reading teen novels again, Damon?"

"You caught me," he said, holding his hands up in surrender. Then he bypassed her for the bar and poured himself another drink. "Seriously, why are you here?"

Her mouth opened and closed again, then she shook her head as she joined him. She reached around him to grab a tumbler and the decanter. She poured a bit too much for herself before tossing it back, the burn in her throat easing her nerves.

"I need advice," she finally managed to get out. Pouring herself another drink, she sipped it as she eyed him over the rim of the glass.

His eyebrows furrowed in brief concern. "What kind of advice?"

She knew why he was worried. Her transition from human food to human blood had been less than pretty. He had been there to show her the whole way, though, and she was proud that her body count was still zero.

It was Damon that had gotten her through everything of the change. Stefan had been unable to help her when it came to feeding, his previous proclivities toward more the more darker aspects of their kind preventing that.

So, it came to little surprise when the only person she could think of in this predicament was Damon. He had helped her through everything else, so perhaps he could help her now.

"I need dating advice."

He actually choked on his drink as his eyes grew wide. "What?"

"You heard me," she said. She was proud that she only stammered a little.

He stared at her, lips twitching in a sneer. "Why the hell are you asking me? Why not someone else?"

Drawing in a shaky breath, Elena investigated the bottom of her glass. "Because this isn't something that I can just ask anybody. Bonnie wouldn't understand, and Caroline's situation is slightly different."

"And you can't ask Stefan," he said, voice rolling his brother's name out in a mocking tone.

"Yeah, because that's not forty different kinds of awkward as asking you." Elena sighed and set her glass on the counter before looking up at him. "I need to know how to be in different social settings with humans, and dating is one of them."

"We hardly date humans, Elena. We usually just grab a quick taste and be done with it."

She gave him a pointed look. "What about me? And Andi. You dated her for a while."

His jaw ticked at the reporter's name. "If you call that dating, Sweetheart, I'd love to hear your definition of screwing around."

Elena fought back the blush that she knew blossomed on her cheeks. She kicked herself for bringing up Andi, but she was desperate, and desperation had her grasping at straws better left buried.

"Please Damon." She hated that she was near begging.

"Do you want to know what dating a human is really like? What kissing one is really like?" he asked. When she nodded, he leaned in close, breath wafting over her ear. "It's like licking your meal when you're starving to death."

Her eyes widened and the words rushed out of her mouth before she could stop them. "Is that what it was like with me?"

Damon stared at her, and the length of it made her shift, wishing she could take back what she had said. Elena was not one to bring any of their past canoodlings up, for reasons she rather not looked at.

Finally, he looked away. "Not quite."

He finished his drink and slammed the tumbler on the counter. For a moment he leaned heavily on the wood surface, sending a death glare at the fireplace. "Fine. You want advice so you can find a starving-ever-after with Prince Blood Bag, you got it."

"Damon, that's not why-"

He did not let her finish as he pushed away and headed toward the staircase, effectively ending their conversation. "We start tomorrow."


This is very fun to write. I have the next part written, and would write more, but it's currently 5:40 am and I need sleep. Any suggestions for 'tips' he can give her?