In Her Words

This is the companion piece to Not Again. The chapters are one-shots from Not Again and the Sequel not yet titled. They will be in between time or during. Mostly just a look into Jane's mind and how she feels about different things.

Chapter one is set directly after chapter 3. Her thoughts on what happened between her and Grayson.

She can't do it. She can't face him. She wouldn't stop by his office in the morning just to say 'hi' as she's done nearly every morning since he started. She couldn't. How could she after making such a fool of herself? She'd have to find a way to avoid the office building as much as possible.

What was she thinking? Grayson could never see her in that way again. Maybe if she looked like Deb. Herself? Not Jane. She's this weird mix between the two. Jane's brains with Deb's memories. So in a way she's a new person. A person that made out with Grayson after having her heart broken by her fiancé. A person that was rejected by her, or more specifically the old Deb's fiancé. It was completely embarrassing; a sad display of desperation and obviously unwanted.

The first step she takes is to corner Parker and demand he gives her as many cases as he can. It doesn't matter how big or small; she just wants her plate full. She tells him she needs this. She needs something to keep her mind off of Owen. Parker obliges. He's tired of arguing with Kim over some of the cases anyway.

She's more tired than she's ever been and stretched thinner than a sheet of paper, but its working; so, she doesn't complain. Maybe after some time the initial shock of the make-out session will wear off for both she and Grayson and maybe then she'll be able to look him in his face.

His beautiful face.

It was that beautiful face and the way he'd looked at her that night. The way he'd spoken to her as if she was special that encouraged the reckless thought that had shifted through her mind on countless occasions to touch her lips to his. She hadn't expected him to respond so eagerly. To respond at all. She was merely throwing all caution to the wind. And boy did the wind sweep her away. She was caught up in a fantasy come to life. Her innermost desires playing out in reality. Though she'd been hurt by Owen, he couldn't have been further from her mind or heart at that time. She wanted Grayson. She needed Grayson. For more reasons than the obvious. She would be lying if she said she hadn't kissed him, initially, to clear her head of the agonizing replaying of the loss of who she thought would be the man she would join in matrimony, but she would also be lying if she said she hadn't kissed him because she wanted to fill his lips on hers, hers and not Deb's to see it felt the same as before. She needed to know if they fit together as seamlessly as they once did in a past life. Truth was they fit better. Because she was better. She wasn't a half of a whole. She wasn't some bimbo without a brain nor was she some prudish shrew. She was the best of both of those long forgotten people. Therefore, they fit better. On every level.

She and Grayson fit very well together, and she was entirely accepting of seeing how effortlessly they could become one. However, her trip on the stairway to heaven was cut short, when he finally came to his senses. As he peppered soft kisses on her bruised lips, she felt her heart blaze with fire. Her love for him overtaking her, more potent than anything she ever felt for anyone else. And for a split second she could feel that love reflected in his gentle kiss and once his kisses ceased she thought she could see it reflected in his eyes. But she was wrong. She was mistaken. It was regret. He didn't want to…not with her. He could with Kim of all people, but not with her. Anger coursed through her veins immediately flushed out by the unbearable sting of rejection.

She had really stepped in this time. The consummate failure at anything resembling love. And this time, she had to see the person every day. How could she face him? How could she look him in the eyes after this colossal mistake? She couldn't.

She had averted her gaze from his as he remained atop of her staring into her face telling her that they can't do what she desperately wanted to do. The anger in her pushed him from her pulling the sleeve of her camisole and strap of her bra up to rest on her shoulder. She sat up holding back her tears while he put he put on his dress shirt buttoning it up. She looked everywhere but towards Grayson as he told her that they couldn't cross that line. They wouldn't be able to turn back once they went down that road and that he couldn't take things that far with her. She didn't respond. What could she say? He clearly didn't want anything to do with her. In a way, she understood, so she accepted what else could she do? That didn't mean it didn't hurt like the dickens.

It was all she could do to muster a mildly passable smile as she showed him to the door. He didn't know that she was lying through her teeth when she said she understood. That despite her love and devotion to both Tony and Owen and everyone else in between, she has never let him go. She doesn't know how to. If she was completely honest with herself, her heart broke the moment he separated from her his eyes alight with something that caused her insides to stir. But he demolished what she knows would have been the best night of her life since becoming Jane. And even though it seemed as if maybe he felt for her as more than a friend, the very instance he spoke the dissenting words, she knew she was right. He could never look at Jane the way he'd looked at Deb. The way she wants him to look at her.

Stairway to heaven an allusion the O'Jays song stairway to heaven.

So tell me what you think and the sequel to Not Again will be up once I think of a title.

And have to say I hated the season finale.

Nakala