She had been wrong. He had looked at her, Jane, the new her, with the same intensity as he'd once looked at her, Deb, before. He loves her. Grayson Kent loves her. As her. Not as Deb but as her, Jane. The woman she is today. She'd nearly burst into flames from the knowledge. She was so overwhelmed. The part of her that retained so much of Deb was overjoyed to know that all of her hoping would finally become. She could finally be reunited with her heart. But Deb is now Jane.
Jane. And now, Jane, in lieu of excitement is swimming in a sea of fear. Love had done her wrong one time too many.
When she'd returned as Jane, her main objective had been to get Grayson to see her. To get him to fall in love with her as she was and for whom she had become. However, as time passed, which wasn't much because he'd bedded Kaswell before she could update her wardrobe, she realized her chances with Grayson were slim to none. At first, the thought crushed her. She was doomed. If she couldn't have Grayson then she didn't want anyone. How wrong she had been.
She'd met her match in Tony, but soon found out that she'd rather enjoyed their little competition, and he enjoyed her company. Can't say it was a whirlwind romance because it wasn't. And just as they were reaching a climax, old Jane's ex husband shows up stirring up all these unexplainable emotions and causing a rift between her and Tony that broke them apart for far too long. Eventually they got back together and things were steadily building. They had gotten over the disaster of a fake marriage, and things were going great, their mutual affection blossoming into the first fruits of love. She was happy. Her want for Grayson still pricked at her mind, but she buried it under her love for Tony. He deserved it and she had decided that she wanted him. Tony, who was the complete opposite of Grayson with his cute, opposed to handsome, boyish features. She can honestly say with conviction that she loved him. Could see herself sharing a life with him, but just as abruptly as she'd lost her life, Tony was snatched from her to a job he couldn't turn down. Though it broke her heart, she understood. They hadn't progressed to that level, and she wasn't ready to up and leave her new life. Their love was real, but circumstances tore them apart.
Dr. Bill Kendall…it wasn't love, but she thought it was something, only to find she was one of many. It hurt more than it should have, but thinking she'd been relegated to a quick lay and an occasional meal did something to her self esteem she had to fight to fix. With time she put that ridiculous affair behind her and got on with her life.
French was more of a surprise than Tony. He was slightly brash and very forthcoming. Attributes that initially turned her off, but he was so cute and interesting that she couldn't resist him. He'd wooed her. She'd been swept up by him and when he offered to whisk her away she took him up on the offer. She thought for sure he was the one. Everything between them was so perfect. That is until Owen proposed. The moment the words left his mouth things were damaged beyond repair leading to their ending, or rather her ultimately severing ties with him. She didn't want anything to do with him anymore.
This was supposed to be her happily ever after. He'd gone against his own beliefs and asked her to marry him but decided that she wasn't worth it. She wasn't worth marrying. It wasn't a stretch for her to believe that he was in love with her entirely, but she'd been wrong. Who's to say Grayson isn't wrong? These feelings, this love, could all be fleeting. It's not as if he'd given her any sign to the contrary before now.
Her heart has belonged to him before Jane, before heaven, before death. She couldn't take it if he changed his mind or wasn't sure. No parts of her could take it. She couldn't face herself. Wouldn't face him ever again.
So, as elated as she'd been to hear of his love for her, the moment was shrouded in layers of fear and bliss. And as if he could sense her hesitation he'd misjudged assuming she didn't return his feelings. Impossible, but she can't rollover as if she was never with Owen, as if his indecision didn't affect her. It did more than anyone could know. That's why she purposely keeps herself at a safe distance from the very man her heart longs for with no idea of when she'll be ready to accept his offered affection.