EDIT: 02/11/2012 - I corrected some of the bits that said Dean didn't go looking for Sam after the S5 finale.

The One That Couldn't

Sam watched as Dean drove away, leaving him behind to inhale the dust and smoke that rose in the car's wake. Dean was off to deal with his "personal crap", and once again Sam was left frustrated and without answers.

What "personal crap"? Why couldn't Dean be straight with him?

His heart sank lower and lower the further the Impala got out of sight, until he couldn't see its lights anymore and his heart was somewhere around his ankles. Why, just why?

He was sick. Sick and tired of Dean always getting up in his face and rubbing it in that Sam had taken a year off, that Sam had even been stupid enough to think he could keep his apple-pie life. He was sick of Dean's self-righteousness - "oh, I was killing baddies in Purgatory while you sat on your ass and ignored Kevin" - and his "Oh poor poor me I just got back from Purgatory" demeanor. He was sick of being told it was his fault that they couldn't get their hands on Kevin now, that it was his fault people died because he couldn't be bothered to hunt. He was sick, big fucking time.

It took him some time to realize he was still standing right there, but even then he didn't move. He couldn't. He wanted out, he wanted nothing more than to run away and never look back. It didn't work, he knew - after all, he was the expert on how shit always came back to bite you in the ass. But he wanted it all the same.

Oh, but it was all so unfair.

He supposed it was all right for Dean to have a normal life while Sam wasn't around. It was okay, was it, for Dean to sit back on his ass and let people die, so long as he had his perfect life with Lisa and Ben? It was okay for Dean to take time off, but it wasn't okay for Sam? Sam wasn't allowed his normal life, but Dean was? Sam was supposed to push his emotions, his own wants and needs, to one side and hunt, but it was all right when Dean didn't, wasn't it, because Dean was the big brother and therefore, always right.

Sam scoffed, ignoring the moisture in his eyes. It just wasn't fair. He'd never asked for anything, he'd just kept his mouth shut and tried to do what was right, what would save everyone except for himself. He'd done nothing but give and give - what hadn't he lost? - and now that he wanted something he wasn't allowed to have it. All he'd done his entire, miserable existence was hunt, and kill, and make sure bad things didn't hurt anyone but himself. All he wanted was some peace in exchange - but no.

All he'd done was hope.

Hope, apparently, wasn't a good thing.

He knew Dean wanted a normal life too, but he'd given up hoping he could get one. Instead he'd just accepted the fact that for him was the hunter's life, and that was how he was going to live. Sam knew the same was expected of him, but he couldn't, he just couldn't. He couldn't continue, he couldn't kill anymore, he couldn't save anymore, he couldn't go on anymore. He didn't want to. Maybe, just maybe, he should have let himself die, and then no one would have had to deal with all this shit.

And Dean didn't even seem to care. Dean was too wrapped up in "oh poor poor me I just got back from Purgatory" to realize that Sam was hurting, was hurting more than he'd ever hurt before in his entire existence. All Sam wanted to do was find the tablet, lock Hell up and go back to Amelia. All Dean wanted to do was hunt, and in doing so deprive Sam of what he wanted.

Because Sam didn't have any other choice, did he? He couldn't live while he knew Dean was out there somewhere, and so he had to be with Dean. He had to give up what he'd always wanted, what he wished he could keep forever.

Dean wanted him to research, he remembered. There was something stuck in his throat, he realized at about the same moment that he noticed there were tears on his face. His heart seemed to be back in his chest cavity, where it was supposed to be, but it ached dully. It ached with the pain and hurt that Sam couldn't express, wasn't allowed to.

With a bitter sob to himself, Sam turned around and began walking back into the motel room. In doing so, he threw away the last hopes he had of anything closely resembling a life of any sort. He threw away everything he felt and everything he knew.

He threw away everything he was.

I had to write this after watching 8x05. I just had to.

As you can see, I don't really sympathize much with Dean. Okay, he was in Purgatory, and that can't have been easy. I'm not denying that. I just think it's really unfair of him to keep calling Sam out on how he stopped hunting and didn't look for him. He's magically forgotten he'd done the same thing after Sam jumped into the cage. He settled down with Lisa and Ben, and didn't hunt. He can't really blame Sam for doing the same thing. Also, he's accepted he can't have a normal life. Sam hasn't. He tries and tries and tries but no matter what nothing ever goes his way. Jessica died, he had to kill Madison and now Dean came back and took him away from Amelia. That poor kid has done nothing but suffer ever since Season 3, and no one's ready to cut him a break.

I know most people in this fandom are Dean fans. I know there's many who'll go like "That bitch" after reading this. But I won't apologize. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Dean. Far from it, in fact - testament to this is the fact that I named my stuffed frog Dean - however, I do feel someone needs to speak for Sammy. Also, people ignore him and focus on Dean and how "poor Deano suffers so much" - what about Sam? He enjoys hunting so much, right? *sarcasm, sarcasm*

'Kay, regardless of whether you hate this or like it, whether you agree with it or not - review. I'd love to hear what everyone thinks, and I'm always up for a nice, intellectual, civilized debate on what I've written.