hisashiburi minna! gomen...it's been ages since i updated this story...but i am happy for your patience


●●● Oda Ritsu ●●●


Who in the world who is in their right mind, would fall in love just because of a simple stupid thing? Call it stupidity of being young, or hormonal imbalances or disruptions...but I fell in love with the guy who always stayed late in the library...Retsu thought as he stared at the tall man before him.

It was a long time ago, it felt like history written in old scrolls when Retsu had his first encounter with his first love. Only it wasn't a normal first love normal teenagers experience. He had all the equipments to be considered as a male. And he fell in love with the same sex. Just because this senpai at school helped him get the book he wanted, he instantly felt an attraction. That in itself was a nonsense. And before he knew it he had become a stalker.

Looking around, the brunette sneakily took the blue book that was just returned by the older boy who helped him out before. He didn't know his name yet at that time. And since he felt like already being a stalker, he decided that the only way to know more about this 'quiet library guy' was to read the book records.

"Saga Masamune..." the teen uttered with utmost care. Just reading the name, hearing the sweet ring of it from his mouth made him feel so happy.

He turned his blushing face towards "Saga" who was currently at his usual spot of the library, reading a new book. In his vision, noone else muttered in the library but just that senpai quietly reading.

"I want to know him more...I know this is creepy...but I really want to be close to him somehow..."

Retsu made a huge decision for himself as he stared down at the neatly written name of Saga. "I will read everything he checked out...I might get something out of it right? His likes...his interests..."

Like the innocent, brave-about-nonsense things that he was, he lifted his mechanical pencil and with shaking fingers was about to write his name.

"Just with this...I will feel a little closer to him..."

The pencil met the crisp paper, he was ready to make the first strokes, "Retsu".

"Hey, Ritsu-chaaaan!"

Retsu paused on his writing.


"Who could that annoying girl be screaming 'Ritsu' Ritsu' in the library?" he asked frowning. He was used to being mistaken for his twin brother. It wasn't annoying for him but he was in the middle of a life changing event and for him to be bothered at this kind of time was really a little untimely.

Not long after that, he felt a gentle hand tap on his shoulder. He turned towards the giggling voice with his pencil raised stuck at the top of the book card.

"Hello, Ritsu-chaan! I never thought you'd be the type to visit the library!"

Retsu stared at the cute, petite girl for a while. She was really mistaking Ritsu for him.

"Eh?" the girl exclaimed a little exaggerated. Perhaps in an attempt to look cuter to her crush. "You don't remember me Ritsu-chan? We both took a seminar last week...you even said I can call you in your first name..."

"Huh?" Retsu stared dumbfounded, thinking what must be going on with his twin brother's mind to get this girl's mind interpret things the wrong way.

A look of disappointment flashed by the girl's face for a moment but strangely, she recovered very fast. "I see, that's okay. My name is Oda Yumi, please remember it this time okay?"

The brunette watched the cheerful girl bounce her way out of the library. Apparently she just went in to get her "Ritsu-chan's" attention. Sighing, Retsu focused his attention back to the more important thing for him. He was ready to write the kanji for Retsu when he paused halfway.

"Oh my god...what if...what if Saga-senpai checked out this book one more time? He would really think I am stalking him...that's...that's creepy..."

With a frown he erased everything that he had written so far. The face of the girl who approached him flashed before his mind. "Oda?" he muttered. "Maybe I should just use her last name..."

Without anymore thinking he wrote Oda on the card and started scribbling Retsu. "Eh...but that girl clearly is interested with Ritsu...anyway there are a lot of Ritsu in this school in the first place. Better to be safe than sorry..."

And so...the teen who wanted to be just cautious wrote 'Oda Ritsu', instead of his name 'Onodera Retsu'.

In all honesty, never did in Retsu's mind would come a day that he'd confess. Everything just happened so fast, his tongue rolling the bottled words for a long time all on its own. He felt the most stupid person who ever lived. But he could only blush as he stood before Saga Masamune.

"Eh...ano..." he stammered. He was ashamed, but there was no way he'd take back what he already said. It was perhaps a once in a life time opportunity. The most important thing was that finally he got it out his system.

"You want to go out with me?" the taller boy asked, the quiet library just made the words heavier.

Eh? He's okay to go out with a fellow guy?

"Fine...I'll go out with you..."


Even though Saga-senpai said those things, he was as distant as any stranger to young Retsu. Retsu almost did anything he could to be close with the boy. But there was always a 'stay away' aura around the older boy it was hard for Retsu to break. And lately, Saga Masamune looked troubled, sad and in pain even. The teen just wanted to make things a little lighter for his senpai. He was willing to do anything.

And just as when he thought everything was already going fine...

"Hey, why are you doing this for me?" Saga Masamune asked. He was irritated to see the green-eyed boy run up to him with a book and with all shiny eyes. He was so bright, it was irritating him. Why did Retsu looked like he had no problems like him was making the older teen angrier.

"Eh?" Retsu asked then bowed his head while blushing deeply. "What do you mean 'why'?"

"I thought it might make you happy..." Retsu answered in all honesty.



"You're irritating me!"


"I said you're annoying me!" Saga Masamune suddenly burst out it made Retsu all confused. "WHAT IS YOUR DEAL? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ME?!"

Retsu's grip on the book that he was about to show to his senpai tightened, his face couldn't be painted. "Ano..."

"Saying you love'd me when we never even talked! That makes absolutely no sense!"

Holding the book to his chest as if using it to shield himself from the older boy's words, Retsu apologized. "I'm sorry...I..."

"Why are you apologizing?!" Saga asked more irritated.


"Is there something you should be sorry for?!"

Retsu looked down, unable to say anything.

"Maybe you're getting all high off of this, but honestly, I can't follow you!"

"I'm sorry...I just..."

"And to be honest, the whole thing is disgusting!"

Retsu wasn't a cry baby, but he honestly wanted to cry at that time. He knew for himself what he was doing was disgusting and creepy, but hearing those words come straight from the person he really liked made it so much harsher. The reality of him being gay and in love with someone who might never accept him for who he was was slapped on both of his cheeks. It even felt like the book he was holding was smashed to his head.

That was why, when the older teen asked him to leave since he wanted to be alone, Retsu didn't take any second thoughts and ran out of the library. Ran towards home under the dark clouds. It was clearly reflecting the turmoil in the brunette's heart he ran and ran until he was out of breath.

"Tadaima..." Retsu weakly greeted after pushing the huge doors open.

The house was as warm and cheerful as it always been despite the murky weather outside. Love was everywhere in his house. But it didn't make him feel any better for the first time.

"Oh...good timing Retsu, the rain seemed about to fall anytime soon..." The lady of the house greeted his younger son as she flipped through a magazine. "There's snack in the dining area, join Ritsu there...he just arrived as well."

Slowly, Retsu turned to the spacious hall towards their dining area into their kitchen not to eat but just to get water to ease his aching, parched throat. When he entered, the silver and white room glimmered by the lights on the ceiling, Ritsu, the older twin brother was munching on some fresh vegetable rolls.

"Oya...Retsu...why the long face?"

Sighing, Retsu walked towards the refrigerator and got himself a bottle of water.

Sneering, Ritsu rested his chin on the white counter top. "You always go home with a huge smile on your face the last few days, but why do you look worse than the weather outside now?"

"Nothing...really...sorry to have made you worried..."

"Hmmm..." Ritsu looked at his younger twin brother with bored eyes as he watched Retsu drink all the contents of the bottle in huge gulps.

"Hey Retsu...want to play with me? I got the new version of this game we were enjoying last week...that might help you cheer up a little..."


The two siblings stared at each other first then heard the sharp clicking of a high heeled shoes approach the room where they were.

"Ritsu?" their mother started. She was wearing a lacy yet simpe elegant white dress contrasting her black shoes. She stood before the huge entrance with a stern look. "What are you talking about? It's still a weekday. You should be studying."

Ritsu looked down on his plate. "But Okaa-san...I've been studying hard already...just a little..."

"No...Ritsu...you know we have high expectations from you, we want you to get to Tokyo University so you have to be serious with your studies. You can play later."

"I know..." Ritsu mumbled, forcing himself to swallow the piece that somehow seemed to have gotten stuck in his throat. The teen looked at his younger sibling, asking why Retsu had more freedom than him.

"You Retsu? Don't you have any homeworks to do?" the woman asked.


The woman turned her back and left her two sons alone. Ritsu was always the better one in academics. And since the family knew they'd just exhaust themselves from always reminding Retsu to study harder, it just somehow went into focusing all academic pressures to Ritsu thinking the young boy was enjoying it. And Retsu, being the younger one, was being allowed to do whatever he pleased without getting pressured like Ritsu was. Besides, the older one would always be the one to inherit or take over their company. That was just how it was.

Deep inside...despite Ritsu not wanting to admit it, he was jealous of the freedom his younger twin brother was getting. He didn't know it yet but the start of some retaliation was already brewing inside his chest.

"Senpai..." Retsu uttered in worry as he looked out the huge, closed window. The rain had started to pour, its dropplets huge it was making a noise as it hit the glass panes.

"Senpai?" Ritsu asked, not really interested.

Retsu looked around and took the umbrella hanging by the wall.

"Ritsu...can I borrow your umbrella?"

"Hah? You already have yours...why do you need another one?"

"I just need it..." Retsu answered looking out the window.

Sighing, not knowing what his younger brother was up to, Ritsu waived his hand. "I remember leaving it around somewhere in the parking lot. Just look for it."

Running out of their estate, Retsu went out carrying his and Ritsu's umbrella.

It was making Ritsu somehow annoyed that while he was almost drowning from the pressures of studying, Retsu was as happy as the weather outside. After that rainy night, Retsu came home all happy once more accompanied by a red face he thought his brother got struck with a fever. But he realized Retsu was just happy. And the days after that. He started to wonder what could be the reason for his younger brother's cheerfulness.

Walking into the empty hallways, he was carrying a pile of test papers his teacher asked him to do. The faculty office was just above the the seniors floor and most younger years didn't like going there. The anxiety was stronger when they were surrounded by the much older students they had to act polite and all.

Saga Masamune was out of his classroom about to go to the library since they had a free study period. He was holding one umbrella in his right hand. He was planning to return the umbrella his stalker lent him before going to the library but then he saw the familiar brunette in the seniors floor.

"Hey..." Saga called out. Eh...Oda Ritsu right? He never really introduced himself to me in the first place...Silly..." he thought smiling.

He half ran the last few distance between him and the brunette and tapped the shorter guy on the shoulder lightly.


Ritsu turned towards the cool voice with a look of surprise. Who on earth would call a guy another guy in their first name?! That was insane. And yet when he looked at the hazel hues looking down on him with a faint smile, he forgot what he was about to say and just stared.

"Thanks for the umbrella," Saga muttered. A faint red on his cheeks.

Huh? Since when did I lent this guy an umbrella? Ritsu asked himself as he looked at the umbrella. It was his alright. And then he suddenly remembered Retsu and that rainy night.

Unsure of what to do, Ritsu sheepishly took the umbrella from the taller boy and looked again at those eyes. For some reason...he find them beautiful.

"See you in the library, I have something to ask you..."

"Li-library?" Ritsu stammered.

Saga watched the shocked expression of his stalker and suddenly ruffled the soft brown hair. "Where else? See you."

Ritsu watched the taller boy walk away from him. His hand unconsciously went to his head where the huge hand of the student who clearly looked like a senior touched. He felt nervous. Because it felt good.

That afternoon, Ritsu didn't go home early like he always used to. From far away, he watched the senior student, the guy with beautiful hazel eyes and his younger twin brother talk at the farthest corner of the library. The older guy had one of his knees pulled up to his chest. He looked really mysterious to Ritsu.

Deciding he wanted to hear even just a little of what they were talking about, Ritsu hid himself behind the shelf nearest to the two.

"Wanna come over today?" Ritsu heard the mysterious student ask his brother.

Ritsu's eyes widened in surprise when through the spaces of the books he saw his brother's face turn into the deepest red he had ever seen on his brother's face.

'You don't have to if you don't want to..."

"N-no! I mean yes! I would love to go! Please let me come over!" Retsu rattled, standing from his seat.

Feeling suddenly weak, Ritsu turned around and rested his back against the shelf, his hand over his mouth.

"Don't tell me...Retsu...he's...?"

Ritsu looked on the floor, at his feet. He and Retsu had a lot of differences. But there was one thing in common between them. They both liked the same games. And somehow, Ritsu suddenly wanted to know more about this 'senpai'.

"You...what are you doing here?" Takano asked out of surprise seeing Ritsu's face in their workplace. It felt so unnerving knowing the guy he knew so very well was already dead and yet, he was looking down at the same face with a stupid smile.

The smile on Retsu's face disappeared in an instant. He stood right away and gathered his cleaning tools. "What kind of ridiculous luck do I really have?" he muttered under his breath and turned away. This didn't escape Takano's ears though.

"Hoi!" Takano called out. "Are you following me?"

In a foul mood, Retsu turned to look at his first love, ex-first love. "Don't get too full of yourself. I'm already done with you."

Retsu hated it that he stared like that for so very long. He was afraid Saga would see through him. After all, the eyes were the windows to one's soul.

"Ah..." Retsu stopped at the end of the long table, the spot where Onodera Ritsu used to work. "I am no longer your stalker, Saga-senpai. Don't worry."

"Wait. I want to talk with you."

Raising a brow, Retsu cocked his head to the side. "What do we need to talk about?"

"The past, everything up until now."

"Eh...if you wanted to get back with me because you miss Ritsu, I could do that, but you have to pay me."

Takano frowned at the black-messy haired guy throwing a frustrating smile at him. "I want to talk properly."

"Talk? But I have customers later tonight so I don't think I can 'talk' with you."

"Rits-" Takano halted. He was about to call Ritsu. But the way the emerald eyes narrowed at him troubled him for some reason. "Fine...I'm buying you're time. Happy?"

chapter end notes:

thank you and gomen for the long wait.!