AN: This is my idea of what if the Twilight characters were like the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It was a part of the Countdown to Halloween. It's light horror and humor. I hope you like it!
Also, my family got hit by Hurricane Sandy. We finally are back up and running, so the rest of the stories will be updated soon. Thanks for you patience.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Buffy. Buffy, however, is completely kick ass.
Title: Episode 15, Season 3: Teen Wolf was so Much Better Starring Michael J Fox
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss cemeteries." Bella flipped a wooden stake in the air and caught it. She did it again, because it was more interesting than her surroundings. Not to mention there was a literal stick in her ass from this log she was sitting on.
"Isabella, honestly, keep your complaints to a minimum. This is your destiny and to be quite truthful you should have a bit more pride. We must be observant of our surroundings." Alastair Grant missed being relaxed in the large tombs surrounded by books at the Council. Instead, he was being forced to baby sit these whiny children. "My kingdom for some Vivaldi and a glass of Brandy."
"What an exciting evening you had planned," Bella threw the stake up higher and effortlessly caught it. "Sorry that we are on the hunt for man-eating werewolves instead of letting you sit in your stuffy apartment, old man."
Alastair looked offended. "I'm only thirty-nine!"
"He is really old, Bella! I knew he was decrepit, but wow." Michael Newton sat next her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "The woods aren't so bad, Bells. They can be quite the romantic setting for amore."
Bella jabbed him in the stomach making him fall to the ground. Michael laid there and stared up at his number three crush. "You wound me. I am going to have a nasty black and blue bruise, woman! I could be watching cheerleaders right now."
"You should get off the ground, Mike. There are ticks in the grass," Angela Webber said nervously, looking down. She wiggled her fingers at a pile of leaves. "I hope Seth is okay."
"Your puppy boyfriend is all curled up safe and sound on his dog bed in the school basement. I even left him a chew toy." Mike got up and wiped off his pants. "I'm more concerned about the woods being filled with vampire blood suckers, Seth's big snarling wolf brothers and now Lyme disease. Is your magic working, Fire Starter?"
Mike knelt next to Angela and rubbed her shoulders. She had been in love with him since pre-school, but now her concern and feelings for Seth overrode everything else. "Why is it when I want to start a fire I can't, but when I don't then things spontaneously combust."
"That was pretty hilarious when Banner's toupee started smoking. That teaches him to give me a D on my French test." Mike gave Angela a wink.
"It was because you didn't study and it wasn't at all funny," Angela stated sadly. "The poor man was in hysterics!"
"Miss Webber, please refrain from starting any forest fires. It's imperative that we stay focused on the task at hand. The murders are escalating and Miss Hale has been missing for four days." Alastair was hoping that they would all shut their mouths for a moment. He was getting a raging headache.
"I think you might be mistaken about this being a concern of ours," Bella stood up and stretched her long legs. It was freezing in this horrible forest. "I bet Hale's pregnant. The Hales seem to be the type of people to hide such an embarrassing issue with a kidnapping. We haven't seen any mauled bodies to indicate a dead, vapid blonde."
"Isabella, that doesn't mean the wolves do not have her. The flaxen hair twisted with leaves brings about the snarling beasts that may only be bested by the joining of the chosen and the eyes of gold."
"That is the lamest prophesy I've ever heard. Did a thirteen year old, Dungeon and Dragons obsessed boy write that? I bet he wore a sparkly wizard hat." Bella laughed at the expression on Alastair's face. "Oh wait, that would be Harry Potter. No offense to your favorite book series.
Alastair huffed in annoyance at Miss Swan, his irritating responsibility.
Bella knew without a doubt that she was being flippant, but she also knew that prophesies had a nasty way of biting her in the ass. Werewolves in a way were much worse than vampires. They were, for all extent and purpose, human men who turned to dogs and munched on other men. It was disturbing for so many reasons. One of the most pressing was her that childhood friend was the ringleader.
It was blustery on the beach that day. Jacob Black wrapped his sweater around Bella's shoulders.
"Jake, you are going to freeze!"
He laughed and said with a grin, "I'm hot blooded, baby! Hey Bells, do you have to go back to Arizona?"
"I don't want to, but Renee is pretty stuck on me coming back." Bella shrugged and snuggled into the warm fabric. It smelled like pine trees and home. "I'll be back next summer."
"It might be too late then. The moon is rising and a new change is surrounding all of us. It's the killer moon or the wolves' rising. I need my girl here for it."
"I'm not your girl, Jake. You may, however, worship me from afar," Bella teased. Then she thought about his words. "You aren't really listening to all those tribal stories as if they are real. They are myths, Jake! You know better!"
"I am going to be Chief someday, Bells. The stories said my other half will have the strength of mountains and the will of a champion. She will either complete or destroy me." Jake eyes narrowed waiting for her to disagree. "We shall both be killers."
"Jacob Black, stop trying to scare me!" She pushed him over into the sand. "You are ridiculous!"
Jacob laughed, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I always like to give you a hard time!"
Here it was a year and a half later and they were both killers in different way. Bella shuddered at the thought.
"Isabella..." Alastair began, but a frightened scream pierced the chilly air.
Bella yelled, "Wait here!"
She started sprinting towards the loud moaning, hopping over roots and ducking under branches. It once again was evident to Bella exactly why she hated the stupid forest. Behind her she could hear the panting of her friends while they followed her closely. They obviously had listening issues, Bella remarked in her head as she approached a clearing and skidded to a stop. She had barely escaped falling over a torso.
All around the open expanse of meadow were pieces of bloody carnage. There were arms piled in one corner and a group of legs piled by a lone, body-less head. Those were the piles closest to Bella, but there were more body parts scattered throughout the grass. It was worse than Bella had ever seen; and she had seen some pretty horrible things in her young age.
Mike made an awful sounding gagging noise and Bella turned to see him throwing up in a bush. Angela was soothing him and rubbing his back. Angela looked up from Mike and asked, "Alistair, who do you think all these people are?"
"There was a training camp-out scheduled this weekend for Boy Scout leaders. I heard that it was supposed to be cancelled by your father, Bella," Alistair said solemnly. "May their souls rest in peace."
A howl filled the air and a large wolf suddenly entered the clearing with an arm hanging out of his mouth. It ambled closer to Bella, but it was looking straight at Angela, who was helping to wipe the remnants of vomit off of poor Mike's face.
The wolf began to tremble and shake before their eyes with fur becoming flesh, beast becoming man. In its aftermath, a very naked and bloody Paul stood before them still taking bites and chewing pieces of tendons from the arm. He finished his mouthful and gave a sickening smile. "The Book of the Blood Moon says that our god will be eating their rotted flesh for all eternity. There shall be no rest for these men."
"Paul, Paul, Paul, you are getting pieces of arm stuck in your teeth. Trust me, nobody wants to see that. Actually, nobody wants to see you eat a human arm." Bella shook her head at him in disbelief. "Dude, that's disgusting!"
Paul snarled and bared his teeth at Bella. "I would rip out your throat and feast on your blood if Jacob hadn't claimed you as his queen, you snarky bitch. I can just settle on your little witch friend."
Alistair moved closer to Mike and Angela and shielded them from Paul, as Bella raised her ax and swung it at Paul. "Don't you go near her!"
"Sweet, little witch you smell so pure. Seth hasn't broken his bitch in yet? I'll break you in, baby. I love playing with my food," Paul taunted, as Angela stared at him with wide eyes. "I can't wait to see Seth's face as I take you and bite into your soft chest. You'll love it to your dying breath."
Angela started shaking, as Mike grabbed her hand. "Ang, don't you dare listen to that big freak. You are the strong one here. I won't let him hurt you."
Mike was surprised to feel Angela's skin get warmer and warmer like she was a furnace.
"You are planning on stopping me from snacking on the witch, you pathetic loser? You and the old man are going to be appetizers." Paul licked his lips.
"I am not that old," Alistair muttered.
"Paul, stop bullying nice girls and tell me where your boss is." Bella slowly approached Paul. One quick swing and off with his head. "Is he hiding behind his daddy as usual?"
Billy Black had to be the catalyst for the boys of the tribe going off the deep end. Throughout his friendship with Charlie Swan, Billy's unwavering belief of the tribe's more questionable myths had created a chasm between the men. The talk of bloodletting and sacrifice had chilled Charlie to the bone. When Bella moved back to Forks, she had been warned to stay far away from the Blacks and their stories. Unfortunately for Charlie, it seemed Bella was to play a huge part to either join or destroy them. Bella was more than a little leaning towards the destroying side.
"Oh no, Princess he's collecting the final piece of the puzzle. You really didn't think that you could hide Seth from us. Hey little witch, after I am finished ripping your pretty flesh off of you, I'll let your boyfriend feast on your bones. The couple that eats each other stays together. You'll live forever inside of..."
Before Paul could finish his statement, Angela turned crimson. Mike and Alastair had to move away from the heat radiating from her. Paul eyes started to bug out of his head and boils rose out of his skin like he was being cooked alive. Bella smartly backed away from the sickening smell of his baking skin.
"Please...please...stop this..." Paul pleaded, the pain becoming unbearable. Angela gave a sad smile and Paul ignited into a fiery blaze.
"I was too happy to oblige," Angela whispered, before she collapsed into Mike's arms.
"What's happened to Ang?" Mike looked at his still warm friend in alarm as he sat on the ground, Angela's head in his lap.
Alistair knelt down and checked Angela's pulse. "The brave girl is rebooting, Michael. A massive amount of power went through her a moment ago and she needs to let her body adjust. Angela went from lighting candles to making that young man into a bonfire. It is a massive adjustment."
"How long do you think until she wakes up?" Bella inquired. The sound of snarls filled the air surrounding them. "We need Mike to care for Angela, so that leaves you and me to dispose of twenty wolves and rescue Seth."
"I couldn't possibly determine the amount of time it will take, Isabella." Alistair rubbed Angela's head affectionately. He complained about the trio, but in his heart he was amazingly proud. In this world where teenagers were lazy and more concerned with the latest celebrity scandals and their smart phones, these three were continually saving the world. He was very fond of them all.
"I was just checking. We've taken down worse." Bella smiled. "What's a bunch of puppies that eat their own poop compared to a Helix Demon? Remember the pus that erupted out of that thing? I had to throw away my favorite jeans after I got that caustic stuff on them. Now that was a challenge."
"I admire your positive outlook on such a potential dire situation, Isabella." Alistair gave her rare smile.
"What can I say; I am a glass half full type of girl." Bella shrugged and went into a defensive pose. "Hey, Big Bad Wolf come out, come out wherever you are."
Jacob Black strolled into the meadow flanked by Embry and Jared who held a struggling Seth Clearwater. All around the perimeter of the meadow, huge and hairy beasts growled lowly. The men, with the exception of Seth, were naked. Jacob's body was adorned with pelts and beads.
Seth cried out Angela's name and was punched swiftly in the gut by Embry.
"Are you my little piggy or Little Red Riding Hood, Bells?" Jacob smiled, as he raked an appreciative look at her body. "It really doesn't matter, because I am going to eat you up. Then together, my queen, we will feast upon your friends."
"As if, loser, because your head is going to be stuffed and hung on Charlie's mantle. That moose he's had up there for eons is starting to stink." Bella looked at Jacob and smirked. "Maybe you should stick on a shirt, Jake?"
"Bells, it is time to bow down to your Master," Jacob pointed at his bare and very dirty feet.
Bella shook her head sadly, "At least a pair of pants, because man that thing is shriveled up. Wait...you're always hot! That's a damn shame, Jake. No wonder you have to try to force yourself on girls that have absolutely no desire to be with you."
"You will submit to me!" In a flash, Jacob had his hand on Bella's throat and pushed her down onto the ground. She had dropped her ax in surprise at his actions. Bella's eyes watered as Jacob squeezed aggressively. Her hand grappled to take hold of the ax handle, when Jacob was thrown off and into Embry and Jacob. The freed Seth morphed into a wolf and headed straight to Angela. He crouched in front of her and Mike, helping Alistair to protect them.
Bella looked up to see golden eyes and russet hair, smiling down at her. His hand was held out to help her up. "Let me give you a hand, tiger."
"Fuck you, Edward Cullen!" Bella pushes herself up after swatting his hand away. "I was doing just fine without your help!"
"I would have to disagree, love." Edward gave Bella one of his pretty smiles.
"I am surrounded by crazy-ass monster men as relationship possibilities. Jacob is just a furry nutcase, and don't even get me started on you, Cullen! You tried to eat me!"
"I was trying to make you like me!" Edward growled.
"My job is to kill you! Sure, you and your family are the freaks of the vampire world. All sparkly like disco balls," Bella mocked. Behind her Mike snorted, because even fearing for his life and surrounded by werewolves that were ready to make him a tasty treat, the thought of a sparkly Edward was still funny.
Edward and Bella stared at each other and even after that romantic interlude that went so horribly wrong in Bella's eyes, she still wanted him desperately. Edward knew that with her super strength, even as a human, Bella Swan was his match. She was his mate. And while the way he went about trying to change her went completely wrong, Edward knew that Bella was destined to join his family for eternity.
They were lying on Bella's bed; Edward cuddled her close to his hard body. His head nuzzled into her neck and she moaned causing him to harden immediately. Edward raked his hand up her leg and cupped Bella's covered breast. His finger gently brushed her nipple and slowly moved to unbutton her top. Bella let out a hiss, as he hand reached into her bra and he started to rub her sensitive nubs.
"You are getting quite frisky, Mr. Cullen." Bella kissed his nose. "This is very unnatural. A monster killer like me and a human killer like you."
He hitched her leg over his and ground his erection into her. "Hey...I don't kill people. Last time I checked, I like a good hamburger as much as you do."
Bella nibbled Edward's ear and laughed. "The difference is the cow is still mooing when you eat it."
"Tomato, tama toe, my love, let's just call it the same." He thrust into her again and she yelled out a curse. "I love feeling close to you."
"You can feel even closer with your clothes off," Bella offered huskily.
Edward captured her lips in his and theirtongues moved in sync. Their mouths crashed together and they sucked each other's lips. Bella began to unbutton Edward's pants when he pulled back. "Not until we're married."
"You have to be kidding me! You know I am not going to be getting married. What I am, only gives me a shelf life of a few years. Girls like me only make it at max to twenty-one," Bella stated nonchalantly.
"I love you!" Edward would never let her go. He clutched her hips tightly. "I will never lose you! We are forever, you hear me!"
Without thought Edward's mouth descended to clamp onto his beloved and change her. He didn't get even close before he was thrown clear across the room hitting the wall with a crash.
"First, you have to fix that!" Bella raged as she pointed to the Edward sized hole in the wall. "Second, you need to apologize for trying to make me a bloodsucker. What the hell is wrong with you? Third, get the hell home and emo out to some Morrissey!"
"What is wrong with wanting to be with you for eternity?"
Bella rolled her eyes. "You gave me no warning! What if I don't want to become all sparkly and eat people? I hate sparkles! Plus, to be perfectly honest I like food. I really want the leftover Spaghetti Carbonara I have in the fridge. You almost ruined the enjoyment!"
"Go home before I throw you into another wall!"
Angela moaned and brought Bella out of her Edward staring contest. Jacob snarled, "Seth, watch as I make the witch an example to you and Bella's insubordination. She destroyed one of our own in an unholy flame."
Seth bared his teeth and his fur stood on end. Bella and Edward backed up to join him to protect their vulnerable friends.
"I would stay away from them," a tiny voice trilled. "Samantha says that you are all going to die!"
Alice Cullen stood on a rock. She held an American Girl doll head in each hand as she giggled like a loon. "No Molly, don't be jealous! You can tell me a secret next!"
The wolves started growling in unison as Alice was flanked by the rest of Edward's family and a feral looking Rosalie Hale. Jacob frowned. "You are clearly insane."
Carlisle Cullen looked at the wolves. "I suggest that you should listen to Alice. She sees the future."
"My babies do!" Alice held up their heads as her morose husband Jasper stroked her arm lovingly. "Molly says Bella is going to marry Edward."
"Her visions are obviously not completely accurate," Bella said with a frown, receiving a pinch from Edward. "Which one of you turned Hale?"
"It's my fault, Hells Bells, a date gone wrong." Emmett Cullen shrugged his shoulders as he grabbed onto a wiggling wolf. "Guess I'm stuck with her now. So how about we let everybody go on their merry little way, Teen Wolf, and I'll let your buddy here go."
Rosalie wailed, "What's that smell! Which nerd is it? I want to eat them!"
"Now Rosie, calm down and be nice. Little Ang and Newton are our friends! Hey Carl, I didn't know witches were real! I thought you knew everything. I bet the Volturi…"
"I'm hungry!" Rosalie screamed as she grabbed the wolf held by Emmett and took a bite, ripping out its stomach.
"This is disgusting!" She exclaimed. Blood running down her face, Bella had to admit to being pleased that little Miss Perfect was a messy eater.
That's when all hell broke loose, because the wolves attacked at all sides. Jasper and Emmett were popping off wolf heads like bottle tops, and they were flying in the air. Mike, while trying to stab anything he could, had the added issue of dogging the skulls of boys he had known since he was young. He had the definite idea that he was target practice, because of the way the two vampires were laughing at his poor attempt at avoidance.
Carlisle and his wife, Esme took turns trying to have positive negotiations with the young wolves, but then having to rip them into pieces when they attacked instead. All the while, the useless Alice sat in a tree and 'talked' to her dolls. Then she would yell down to the couple. "Samantha saw that it wasn't worth trying to talk to them, Carlisle."
Rosalie, even though she protested her enjoyment of the wolves' blood, continued to slurp it down with an admittedly disgusting glee.
The humans and Edward continued to slash and rip apart what seemed like hundreds of wolves. Edward assisting Bella remarked, "It seems like they keep coming!"
Bella brought her ax down into the spine of a wolf that had attempted to take a bite out of her leg. "It's because we want to be doing anything than this right now.
"That's right, like planning our wedding." Edward smirked as he kicked another wolf through the air.
Bella stopped and swore, "Damn it, Edward we are not getting married."
"Honestly, Bella all I want to hear out of your mouth is if you prefer roses or lilies for the arrangements." He stopped and turned to her.
"You don't even know me! If you did, then you would know I don't like either! I am a daisies type of girl."
"That's quite plebeian of..." Edward began, as a sword over them plunged into the wolf that was descending upon their heads.
"Children, could we please focus on the task at hand." Alastair pulled his sword out of the offending wolf's carcass. "I need a whiskey."
That's when the wolves began combusting into flames around them. Bella spun around to see Angela standing with an aura of red radiating from her. The wolves that were left started to flee with their tales between their legs.
"I want to eat her!" Rosalie screamed at Bella and before she could reach the girl her hair lit into flames. Emmett dropped her to the ground and rolled her to extinguish the fire. Rosalie sat up in a daze looking like a smoking mess.
Emmett laughed as he looked at Angela. "Teen Witch, you rock! See Rosie, this teaches you a lesson about being a bully."
She growled in response.
The only one who refused to leave was a very much pissed Jacob. He roared at Bella, "How dare you refuse to submit to my will? Leah shall be my queen, because I am going to kill you, bitch!"
Jacob morphed into a large brown wolf, his jowls dripping with saliva. He ran at Bella at a top speed and when Edward tries to protect her, Bella pushed Edward away from her and snarled, "Black is mine!"
Jacob jumped into the air and Bella's already blood stained ax took his head clean off. It was just like she had promised him. The head landed by Bella's feet and the fur fell away leaving the empty stare of her former best friend. Bella knelt down and closed his eyes. "May you find the peace in death that eluded you in life."
"You are far too kind," Edward stated in admiration.
She looked at him with a sad smile. "Jake and I were similar. We both have killed. Me because of destiny, and him because of insanity, but we both have done unspeakable acts. I just hope that when it is my time, whoever takes me out will be as gracious to me."
"You don't need to worry about that, because you are going to be with me for eternity." Edward stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head.
"You aren't giving up are you?"
"Never," Edward answered kissing her lips relevantly.
Behind them they heard Mike exclaim, "Don't you dare touch her with all your nakedness! I'll carry Angela, Seth Clearwater!"
"She's my girlfriend!" Seth yelled back. "Not yours!"
Angela just sat exhausted and looked at the boys with tired amusement.
Mike stomped his foot. "She's my best friend, so I rank higher!"
"Children..." Alistair warned. He rethought his wish for a whiskey.
Instead make it two.