For anyone who has not read 'Harleen', while it is not required, I do recommend it for this story. Otherwise, you might be a bit lost in some places that have already been previously explained. I hope you enjoy it, and as always:
The Joker: Heath Ledger
Harley Quinn: Kristen Bell
Batman/Bruce Wayne: Christian Bale
Tim Drake/Robin: Liam Aiken
Joey Asaro: Vin Diesel
Plus any others that pop up along the way…*wink wink*
Also, 'Where is My Mind?' by Pixies is a good song to start this with.
Harley Quinn adjusted the microphone dangling from her headset as she typed loudly on her keyboard, clicking the mouse every once in a while, and staring wide eyed at the computer monitor which lit up the back of the van. It had been seven years to the night since the death of Dr. Quinzel and she couldn't be happier. Harleen was still lurking around in the dark, resurfacing for a moment here and there, but for the most part Harley ran the show these days, and she preferred it that way.
"Any day now", the impatient voice of her boyfriend beeped into her headset.
"Just keep your pants on, damnit, I'm working on it", she was getting frustrated with him. Hacking wasn't something that could be done on his schedule and he incessantly annoyed her like a child in the backseat of a long road trip. She heard him sigh on the other end and flick the blade of his knife open and closed.
"Ok, ready?" she asked.
"Waiting on you."
"49, 29, 63, 20, 38-"
"Well, shit! You were in such a damn hurry a minute ago! 42…91…64…10", she finished, there was a click and she heard the security door open on his end.
"Cameras?" he asked.
The sound of running shoes echoed in her headset as she squinted at the screen; someone was trying to use the same frequency they were on, but it wasn't a police radio, it was a private channel. A sinister smile spread across her face; she clicked her mouse and typed something quickly onto the keyboard.
The voice of a woman bled through the fuzzy reception, clearing up gradually, "Batman, can you hear me? Batman?"
Harley cleared her throat, "Evening, Oracle."
"How are you these days? Run any marathons lately?" she asked maliciously.
"Classy as always, Dr. Quinzel", she retorted, and Harley sneered at the name, "I assume you and the Old Man are celebrating your anniversary in style tonight?"
"Hope you don't mind if we gate crash."
Just then, the sound of breaking glass leaked into her headset followed by open gunfire.
Harley smiled, "We were counting on it", she clicked the mouse and broke the frequency.
The gunfire ceased and The Joker's voice spoke, "How exactly is it that I can walk through the back door, and you can break through the roof, destroying priceless works of art in your path, but I'm the asshole? It's a funny world we live in."
"One, two, three, four…five?" Harley whispered to herself, reading the heat sensors on her computer screen before shouting into the microphone, "Boss! There's someone else in there with him."
"Sean, check it out", he instructed.
"How long are we going to keep doing this, Joker? When are you just going to accept the fact that you're sick, and belong in a cage?" the gravelly voice of The Batman leaked through the headset.
"Me?" her boyfriend laughed, " What makes me any different from you, hm?"
"No, no, you wanna know the only difference between the two of us, Bats? Ya see, I got it all figured out, and I'll share it with you; just one…bad…day."
Harley watched as Sean's heat signature approached the extra one she had counted, "Slow it down, Sean, he's right on the other side of that doorway", she warned him and his pace slowed. "He's moving! Look out!" the other heat blurp moved quickly on the screen, and Sean's stopped dead in its spot as the extra one continued into the room where her boyfriend stood, taunting his enemy. "To your left, Mr. J! No, you're other left! Fuck!"
"Stand down, Joker, you're finished", the other voice demanded.
The Joker laughed again, "Another bat boy? How many of you little bastards do I have to beat to death? Oof!" the air was knocked out of him with the sound of a punch to the stomach, and he cackled hysterically.
['Paper Planes' by MIA]
Harley removed her headset and reached to grab her shotgun and four gas masks which she looped over her forearm, "Like herding fucking cats", she muttered under her breath and opened the door to the back of the van. The short heels of her expensive, custom made leather boots clacked the ground of the driveway as she approached the art museum. Her low braided pigtails bounced against the shoulders of her red and black suit vest and the black greasepaint diamonds over her eyes smeared as she pulled a gas mask over her head. When she reached the back door, she stood back and cocked the gun, pointing it at the handle and pulling the trigger. The alarm to the building immediately sounded as she pulled the door ajar and rushed inside, tossing down pellets she pulled from her pockets which burst as they hit the floor, releasing a thick green gas. She encountered Sean in the hallway first; he was old cold, but she slipped a mask quickly over his head as he lay on the floor, then held her gun at the ready as she approached the doorway into the main hall of the museum. As she peered inside, she could see The Joker laughing face first on the floor, blood spilling from his nose as The Batman attempted to cuff his wriggling wrists behind him. The 'New Robin' was standing with his back to Harley and holding the other disarmed henchman, Joey, by an arm that was bound behind him. She smirked under her mask.
She stepped into the room and threw the butt of her gun into the back of his head, sending him flying forward and catching himself on all fours. The Batman stood and faced her, reaching for a baterang, but she had the shotgun pressing against his sidekick's head.
"Back!" she ordered, muffled beneath her mask.
The Batman hesitated, but slowly took a step backward. The green gas was beginning to leak into the main hall and Harley straddled Robin's back, keeping her gun close to his skull and eyeing The Batman. She tossed a gas mask to The Joker as he stood from the floor and he pulled it over his head, walking over to take the gun from her and continue holding Robin hostage so she could cut Joey's restraints and give him a mask. The Batman stood glaring at The Joker, clenching his fists as Robin began coughing from the gas that rose from the floor.
"Well, Bats, it's been fun but I'm afraid it's past Harley's bedtime, and she gets cranky if I don't give 'er some before bed. Know what I mean?" he quipped and his enemy shuddered.
Harley pulled a black pellet from her back pocket and tossed it onto the floor. A thick black cloud filled the room instantly and the trio took the opportunity to sprint from the room and back toward the busted security door. Harley ran to the spot where Sean had been laying and kicked him hard in the ribs, rendering him suddenly alert, but disoriented. She grabbed his wrists and yanked him onto his feet, guiding him out of the building.
Across the street, The Joker stuck his head out of the driver side window of the black van, "Harley! Move your ass!"
She dragged the hazy Sean behind her just as the flashing lights to the approaching police cars appeared around the corner of the block. Joey was waiting for them in the back of the van, holding the doors ajar as they jumped in.
"GO!" Harley screamed, and the tires squealed loudly, spinning in place for a second before pushing the van off at high speed. Joey pulled the doors closed behind them and Harley climbed to the front of the vehicle, stepping between the seats into the passenger seat of the cab.
"Goddamnit, Harley, what have I told you about picking up the stragglers?" her boyfriend scolded her as she sat down, pulling her gun out of the glove compartments and rolling down the window to fire and few rounds at the police cars behind them.
"Take a left up here, you do know which direction that is don't you?" she asked sarcastically, firing the gun.
Her boyfriend sneered at her, "The House is that way!" he pointed.
Harley reached back into the glove compartment and pulled out a homemade detonator, "Damnit, Boss, remember that 'trust' thing we talked about?"
"Don't give me your psychobabble marriage counseling bullshit right now, Harley!"
"Uh, Mom? Dad?" Sean quipped from the back of the van, shooting through the door as he held it open, "The Bat's got a trail on us now."
The Joker and Harley looked quickly through their rearview mirrors and exchanged a glance.
"LEFT! NOW!" she shouted at him.
"Gaaah!" he yelled and yanked the wheel sharply in that direction, causing the henchman and the computer in the back to crash to the floor and Harley to slam her back into the passenger door. Her gun fired in her hand and made a hole in the windshield.
"Watch it!" he scolded.
"Learn how to drive!" she retorted, picking up the detonator and glancing in the rearview mirror, "Almost…there!" she pressed the button and an explosion sent the cop cars behind them flying into the air and crashing into the two motorcycles that carried their vigilante pursuers. The Joker bounced in his seat and slapped the steering wheel with one of his gloved hands, guffawing loudly.
"When did you set that up?" he asked his girlfriend.
"Last night. Happy anniversary", she smiled proudly at him.
"You little minx", he grabbed her chin and pulled her in for a kiss.
She began stoking his green hair, "I love you, Puddin'."
He pulled a gold stemmed rose from inside his coat pocket; the leaves and thorns were made of emerald and the peddles were rubies, "Happy anniversary. 'Come down and see me sometime', remember?"
She smiled and took the gift in both hands, "I sure do! It's beautiful, thank you."
They continued kissing and whispering things quietly to one another the rest of the way back to the hideout. The two henchmen exchanged a glance in the back of the van and shook their heads. Sean twirled his index finger in front of his ear, miming the sign for 'crazy', and Joey chuckled quietly, resting his head onto the wall of the van.