"I suggest we move to another location quickly."

Dean chances a moment to peer over the edge of the large branch he's perched on, only to find many pairs of gleaming red eyes staring back him hungrily through shadows below.

"Yeah… about that…" He inhales sharply, balance swaying for a moment, hand trying to keep solid on the tree's scratchy bark.

"…There isn't a safe place, is there?"

Dean wants to — really, really friggin' wants to keep the edge of genuine worry out of his voice as Castiel sighs from the next branch.

"In Purgatory, it is severely doubtful," the angel confirms, monotonous. Dean lets out a humorless laugh, shifting ever so slightly.

The tree's bark feels warm despite the surrounding temperature. Oddly warm.

And… humming?

Dean's skin crawls at the thought but he's got nothing else to steady himself with up here. His fellow Purgatory inmate doesn't seem as concerned with both of his hands on the tree, but soon… his face begins to read signs of faint bewilderment in the low glow of moonlight shining above them. Better… well, better than something else.

"You sense it as well."

"Sense what?" Dean asks. Castiel aims a purposeful look across the way. Something thick wants to clog up in Dean's throat. "Shut the fuck up, Cas… don't even say it—"

The angel doesn't have to. What feels like a long, flexible branch slithers its way over one of Dean's legs, curiously exploring.

"Oh shit."

Castiel says, calmly, so calmly that Dean's gonna punch him in his lamefuck, calm as a zen master face, "There's no need to be alarmed, Dean."

The branch stops its exploration just below the space behind Dean's left thigh. He shudders.

"I'm getting bad-touched by a monster tree in Monster Land, and you're telling me to suck it up?"

"It does not mean us harm as of now." Dean's face twitches as another smaller branch grazes his shoulder and neck. Warm. "As long as it does not feel we are hostile, it will not pose us as a threat," Castiel explains quietly — and even with little light already, Dean can see more branches stroking over Castiel's right side, parting the trench coat and diving right in.

He's pretty damn sure there's been cartoon porn about this; something he scrolled across while bored on Sam's laptop and first discovering… ah, wait, the internet called it hentai. Creepy tentacle things with dildo heads and little teeth that sucked and gnawed and squirted the grossest looking shit all up in someone's orifices. Oh god, that's not happening.

Dean's lips screw up tightly as one of the scratchy, throbbing branches goes below his stubbled jaw.

The noise that accidentally escapes him is, understandably, anything but manly.

"Cas, get us the hell outta here," Dean growls. "Or I'm stabbing this thing with the machete."

As soon as the words pass, the tree begins rocking in place, and Dean's secure grip wavers. The branch around his leg — abnormally huge and pulsing — clenches down like a muscle.


A loud flutter of wings. Dean's head spins, eyelids closing — his feet find soft, gravelly soil.

"It felt threatened," Castiel says, dryly, watching him open his eyes to their newest open-field location, as Dean shakes himself off and raking his fingers over his clothes for rips.

"Oh, boo hoo," Dean replies, sourly.



SPN is not mine. This entire thing came about before Season 8 aired, so different canon. A friend and I joked about monster trees and tree porn. And I wrote this. Eheh. Hope you got a laugh! By the way, if you are favoriting, leave the feedback. It provides better encouragement/intelligent criticism more than a favorite. And please don't follow this because there will not be a continuation.

Original title: "Dean Winchester's Seen Enough Hentai To Know Where This Is Going".