Look! I'm back to frequent updates! I hope you're all well and still enjoying this fic! Thank you for all your reviews, I know I've said it before, but you lot are incredibly lovely and I really do appreciate the fact that you read this and like it. Oh, and I hope you're all recovering from Torn and Frayed (I know I'm not!)
31st May, 09:12, Home
Dean was already having a shower when I woke up this morning, however, he wasn't singing and that is often a worse sign than him singing a sad song.
I said to him 'you need to tell me what's going on, Dean'. I am worried about everything and everyone, particularly as I feel I am not being told all of the information. I still don't know where Sam is, where Anna is, where Dean went or what happened to Crowley. Dean needs to stop treating me as though I cannot look after myself.
Here are the facts as I understand them: Sam is in hospital, he's unconscious still, we have no idea what Crowley did to him and Amelia will not let Dean anywhere near Sam. Anna, against Dean's will, in continuing the search for Crowley (she said that I need him more than she does, which is ridiculous. Finding Crowley is much more important than looking for me, but at least I know that Dean really does care about me.)
The reason it took so long to find me is because the building was proofed against everything that they tried. It a long time to find an extremely ancient locating spell as well as all the ingredients. Now we are faced with the problem of finding Crowley, why he was not locked in hell with all the other demons, and keeping Sam alive.
I was a fool to think life would be easier now. How is it possible that it was only a matter of weeks ago I was worried about keeping two pot plants alive.
In case you were wondering, both plants are dead.
Dean says he has to go again.
I told him I want to help him find Crowley, and he told me I can do what I wanted, but I wasn't going with him.
Dean got angry. He said that I didn't understand. According to him, as long as Dean is reliant on Sam and I, Crowley has something he can use against him. Dean says he has to do this on his own because he cannot risk putting us in danger again. I wish he wasn't so intent on saving everyone. Why does he get to protect me? It is supposed to be my job to protect him.
This is so frustrating. He doesn't have to do everything on his own, I want to help him. I don't want him to feel alone on this.
Dean is sulking and packing a bag. Half of me wants to slide into bed with him, to kiss him until he forgets everything and smiles again, to tell him that everything will be okay. The other half of me is resisting with the urge to punch him.
Why will Dean not listen to me? I am not a child who cannot make decisions for themselves, and I may not be an angel anymore, but I have fought alongside Dean for a long time now and I think I am capable of looking after myself. I have no idea where all this is coming from. If nothing else, I want to go with him to make sure he stays as safe as possible.
Anna finally called. She thinks she's found something. She told Dean that he couldn't stop me going with them, and also that Amelia has promised to phone her if there's an update about Sam. She really is very resourceful.
13:19, In the Impala
Dean is doing his stupid 'I'm fine, there's nothing to talk about' routine. I can see right through him, he's worried about his brother.
He has barely touched me since he's got back. I wish I could concentrate on where we're going and not on wanting to kiss him. I wonder if things have changed between us. Maybe we've gone back to just being friends. However, that doesn't explain why he held my hand last night in bed; as far as I can tell that is not something friends do.
I am being ridiculous; this is not the time to be thinking about such petty matters.
This drive feels longer than it usually does. I used to enjoy sitting in the car with Dean. I tried turning the radio on but he turned it off again.
I tried putting a reassuring hand on his arm to comfort him, but he just shrugged me off. Then he said 'you know this is it, don't you Cas, you know we can't do this?'
He says he should have learned his lesson with Lisa. But I'm not Lisa, I know what life with Dean is like, I know him. I know him better than anyone. He can't do this. I don't care if every moment is a life or death situation as long as I can look up and know that Dean is there with me.
I think I could even live with us just being friends. That's better than nothing.
I was nearly falling asleep when Dean started talking. I will try and tell you exactly what he said, although I may not get it word for word. He began by saying we have been through much together, and that he can never thank me for all I have done for him. I tried to interject to remind him there were also many times I made terrible mistakes, but he told me to shut up. Next, he said that I am one of, if not the, best thing in his life. That's why, after this is over, we have to go our separate ways because knowing that I am out there, alive, is better than me dying on his account and he spent the last couple of weeks having no idea what he would do if I was dead, and he can't live like that.
I tried to tell him that I didn't care. I said that it was never him that put people in danger, it was always me. I am the one who gets it wrong, over and over again. He just shook his head ever so slightly and asked me to stop. His voice sounded all rough like it does when he's trying not to cry.
We drove the rest of the way in silence. It's a little less awkward now we're with Anna and we have a job to do.
It's interesting. I may not be an angel anymore, but I can tell when a place has seen recent demon activity. A spell Anna used told us we'd find Crowley here, but so far there is nothing. There is something here though, but Dean says we can't do anything about 'a bad feeling.'
We've found Crowley's vessel, but it's empty.