Hello my little angels. I hope you're all doing well, although, after Goodbye Stranger I'm assuming you're probably not. Well, I'll kick you while you're down and tell you that this is going to be the last chapter of Castiel's Diary… for now, at least. Maybe at some point in the future I'll write a sequel. We'll see. I just want to say thank you to each and every one you who have read this and reviewed/followed/favourite-d, if it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't have written this much (especially as the first draft of the first chapter was written as a joke.)
Apologies, this has been a rather long author's note, but I really wanted to say thank you. Oh, and to tell you that a new fic has been in the planning for a while which I hope you'll all enjoy!
I'll leave you in peace to read the last chapter now, thank you again!
Of course Dean told me not to. He begged me; he said we'd find another way. I assume Crowley thought I would listen to him. He was wrong. I made myself two promises a long time ago. The first was that I would always listen to Dean, because Dean usually knows what he's talking about. The second was that I would always do whatever I must to save the Winchester boys, even if that meant opposing Dean's wishes.
I saw no other way out, so I took my grace from Crowley's hand and I forced it back into my vessel. Dean covered his eyes luckily, remembering what it was like the last time he witnessed an angel join with their grace. I didn't see what happened to Crowley. Maybe he burned up, maybe he got out.
It's difficult to describe the pain of pulling a grace out or putting one back in. The best way I can word it is to ask you to imagine taking a white hot metal rod and shoving it down your throat so it burns your insides with the most searing pain possible. Every cell in your body is screaming at you to take it out. The heat is too intense, and then suddenly everything is too intense; noises are too loud, your skin is too sensitive, everything you look at is too bright, and your insides are still burning and screaming, and you think you have finally reached the end of your life. Then, all of a sudden, it's over. Just like that.
It took me a moment to understand the look Dean was giving me, then I realised it was fear although I don't understand what it was he was scared of. I can protect him properly again now.
The first thing on my list is Sam. I know that is the person Dean is worrying about most. As soon as I got to Sam's room I could tell the severity of his brain injuries where I hadn't previously been able to. His brain was shutting down, sinking deeper into unconsciousness with little chance of waking up naturally. I could fix it though; I can fix so much like this.
I gave Amelia and Dean their time with Sam. It makes me happy to be able to do this for them. I phoned Anna and told her what had happened. For some reason she sounded upset. I'll ask her about that later on when Dean and I get home.
I retrieved the impala and took it back to the flat because I needed something to do. I also sent Dean a text message telling him to let me know when he wants picking up, but he didn't reply. I expect he's telling Sam everything that happened.
Anna bought Dean home. That's odd. Why didn't he call me? Anna said she's glad I'm okay and that she'll call me tomorrow.
He has his Cas-I'm-Not-Happy-With-You-We-Need-To-Have-A-Serious-Conversation face on.
I don't understand. What is so terrible about being an angel again? All this time the thing that has been worrying me most is not being able to look after Dean, and now I can. He says that he doesn't need my protection and that he was looking after himself a long time before I came into the picture. He says that what he wants is me…but he has me, and I'm stronger like this, what is his problem?
He's gone to take some stuff to the hospital with Sam, I think he's angry with me.
I keep telling myself there was no other way out. What about Sam? He would have died if I hadn't fixed him. Then where would we be? Dean's keeping an eye out for any omens; I think we should be safe even if Crowley didn't burn up. Besides, if he does come back I can destroy him as I should have done a very, very long time ago.
2nd April, Home, 00:02
Dean fell asleep on the couch so I carried him to bed. I thought he might tell me put him down, but he pretended he hadn't even woke up and let me hold him. Maybe he's not as mad as he said he was.
I was about to go back to my room when he said 'stay', so I did.
The early hours of the morning are one of my favourite times of day. When the sun has just broke over the horizon and the light is pale and bright. Dean never pulls the curtains across properly, leaving a little gap by accident, and so there's a little line of light which falls across him and I can see the freckles on his nose and how peaceful he looks when he's sleeping.
He said to me 'what's going to happen now'. He didn't open his eyes and his voice was all croaky from sleep. I told him I don't know, but that I wanted to be with him. I think he nodded.
I left him to wake up properly and started making breakfast; if possible, I am worse at cooking as an angel than I was when I was human. I hope Dean doesn't mind.
Dean didn't sing in the shower.
I miss eating. I watched Dean eat, I don't think it was particularly edible but he forced it down anyway which was polite of him.
I wish someone would tell me what I am supposed to do now.
Dean told me not to rip my grace out again. He said that even though he wants me to be human, he doesn't want to watch me rip my grace out again (taking it out is even more painful than putting it back in, and I don't think my vessel will cope with much more.) Half of me wants to be human again, but Dean's right. I can turn what he calls my 'angel radio' off; I can do things like normal humans. Maybe heaven will cut me off and I will become human slowly, like I did all those years ago.
I asked Dean where he and I stood. I don't know what I expected.
I was ready to hear him say we couldn't do this. If I was still human, I was ready to tell him we couldn't do this. It wasn't safe for him. However, it's different now and somehow, he sees that too. I think it will take a long time for us to get used to it, and we will have to, in Dean's words, take it slowly and see what happens.
We spent the day doing nothing. It's an odd expression, doing nothing. It's actually impossible. What I mean is that we spent the day on the couch again watching what Dean calls 'trashy TV' but I think he secretly enjoys it. He was in one of those rare moods where he let us just be together without complaining about 'chick flick moments'.
We somehow ended up with our legs all tangled up together and our arms round each other. He didn't even say anything when I kissed the top of his head or his neck or when I ran my hands underneath his shirt and across his hips and stomach and chest.
I love him. Being an angel doesn't change that. I will always love him.
I've nearly reached the end of this diary; I will buy a new one tomorrow! I am starting to see the joy of not knowing what's going to happen. As long as I have Dean, I know it will be okay.
I know you like to think that I don't notice you scribbling away in here, but to be honest you're kind of rubbish at hiding it. By the way, keeping it under the mattress is a terrible place to put it.
Anyway, I'm not writing this is to laugh at you. I was actually writing this because there's something I need to say, Cas. I swear if you mention this to anyone I will kill you.
I just wanted to tell you that I'm happy. We have our ups and downs, I know, but I think we're going to be okay. We're going to be more than okay; we're going to be great. I wish you were better at cooking and that you would admit that deep down, you love Doctor Sexy MD, but those are things we can work on, and I know there's things about me that you wish were different.
But that's the point of relationships, right? You love the person you're with for the good things and their flaws, and that's what I wanted to say, Cas. I love you. I don't say it enough and I'm sorry for that, I promise I'm trying to work on it, but I do love you.
I'll see you in ten minutes when you get home from the store,
PS. Did you know you talk in your sleep?