50 Things Sirius Black Is Not Allowed to Do.

By Remus Lupin, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew

1. Tell professor Dumbledore that his beard is sexy and ask to touch it...

2. ...When Dumbledore looks shocked, whisper seductively in his ear 'you know you want me to...'

3. Tell first years that filch is a paedophile.

4. Tell first years that McGonagall and Filch have a secret relationship and Mrs Norris is McGonagall in cat form.

5. Tell first years that Hagrid is an evil homeless troll and will eat them if they go near him.

6. Talk to first years at all.

7. Pretend to have a secret relationship with the giant squid.

8. Scream 'use the force!' whenever anyone uses magic to move something.

9. Make up a song about 'Minnie Mcgoogles' and sing it loudly in a Scottish accent to McGonagall.

10. Vanish Remus Lupin's clothes in a crowed corridor and molest him.

11. Put a spell on all the Slytherin's shampoo that gives them all rainbow hair.

12. Stare at professor Flitwick and call him Yoda.

13. Use poly juice potion to turn into Lily Evans and lie on James' bed naked when he comes back from dinner.

14. Sing loudly about how he is loony for moony wearing a pink feather boa in the great hall.

15. Put a spell on Peter's bed so whenever he moves in the night it makes sex noises.

16. Sing 'I'll make you my furry little secret' whenever Remus is around.

17. Put up a poster in the common room advertising his prostitution services and lock all the girls who come to him in a room with a naked Severus Snape.

18. Fly naked around the castle.

19. Slip love potions into Professor Sprout's pumpkin juice and make bad innuendos about roots in class.

20. Ask professor Binns if he wants to see his death stick/wand of destiny.

21. Shave all Mrs Norris' fur off and set her loose in first year dormitories.

21. Charm all the little figures on the marauders map to do very inappropriate activities.

22. Send all the teachers invitations to an orgy in Dumbledore's study.

23. Charm all the mirrors in Hogsmeade to show a grim creeping up behind you.

24. Show up at one of Slughorn's parties dressed as a giant chicken, scatter feathers everywhere and announce that it's time for a pillow fight.

25. Sneak into Snape's bedroom at night and put makeup on him.

26. Get pink silk jackets with 'marauders' on the back and make Remus, James and Peter wear them to class.

27. Feel Remus up below the table in history of magic.

28. Ask professor Grubbyplank how unicorns mate in care of magical creatures and then ask for a demonstration.

29. Ask professor Slughorn in potions class if the day's assignment can be used as a sexual lubricant.

30. Steal all Madame Pomfrey's potions and label them all 'lube' before returning them.

31. Proclaim that his name is Beelzebub and refuse to answer to anything else for a week.

32. Cry loudly whenever anyone says hello to him and glare at them.

33. Tell lily Evans that James has one of her bras hidden beneath his bed.

34. Give Remus a lap dance in the great hall during one of Dumbledore's speeches.

35. Swap Remus' bed for a giant bouncy castle and bounce on it until he agrees to have sex with him again.

36. Whenever someone asks him for something, say 'would you like fries with that?'

37. Declare in international 'lick a Slytherin day'.

38. Charm the Slytherin banners to include Care Bears.

39. Kidnap Lily and put her in a box for James' birthday

40. Invite moaning myrtle into the prefects bathroom while Remus is in the bath.

41. Announce to the whole of Hogwarts that he has had loud and crazy sex with professor McGonagall.

42. Tell the portrait of Sir Cadogan that Severus Snape challenges him to a duel.

43. Attempt to ward of Slytherins with a crucifix.

44. Drag Remus into a broom cupboard and give him a blowjob on the way to breakfast.

45. Have sex in James' bed.

46. Have sex in Peter's bed.

47. Sing the song 'Summer Nights' and make house elves sing along.

48. Sing about Lily and James being up a tree.

49. In fact, Sirius Black is not permitted to sing anything at all, because he is utterly tone deaf!

50. Set his bed on fire and blame it on the fact that he is too hot.