If Disney ever animated Phantom…

Disclaimer-I don't own "The Phantom of the Opera". That honor goes to the out-of-copyright Gaston Leroux and the no-so-out-of-copyright Andrew Lloyd Webber. Disney Corporation, please don't take offense.

Dear Mr. Michael Eisner,
As a child, I had the pleasure of viewing many of your company's kid-friendly animated musical movies. You managed to make many classic stories, such as the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Hercules, and the Jungle Book, into cartoons that young children enjoy. (Even though there was a substantial amount of butchering involved in all of those cases…) In fact, in many cases, you even managed to produce sequels to many of these stories. (Because, after all, Hugo and Kipling's endings aren't good enough for the Disney Corperation) As a fan of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Phantom of the Opera" I would like to suggest that this year, instead of trying to wring another sequel out of Aladdin, you instead produce an animated adaptation of the popular musical. I have taken the liberty of suggesting the following edits, in order to make the new movie more your style:


Raoul is no longer in a wheelchair because that would be depressing and might offend elderly or handicapped people.

Has been stricken to keep the children from losing interest

Think of Me (Now replaced by a song called "Someday My Vicomte Will Come")

Carlotta would no longer be fat, because that might make chubby children feel bad. In a gutless act of political correctness, her Italian accent will be stricken, because it might make Italians look narcissistic and stupid. The opera would no longer be making a production of Hannibal, because children are too young to understand who Hannibal is. It also might make them think of the guy in Silence of the Lambs, causing them nightmares. Instead, the opera would be putting on a stage adaptation of Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. That way, the Disney company will get free advertising into the bargain.

Angel of Music
The Angel of Music is now the Personage of Music, because the suggestion of the existence of an angel may offend atheists. Christine is no longer singing with Meg Giry, but with her lovable talking pet cat, Bob. (I was going to name the cat Pierre, but Bob is easier to pronounce)

Little Lotte
The line "The Angel-"uh, that is, "the Personage of Music sings songs in my head" must be stricken. Schizophrenia is something children should learn about from their parents, not from the movies.

The Mirror

Erik now comes in openly, through the front door. If we showed the scene as originally written, it might glorify stalking.

The Phantom of the Opera
The tunnels of the Phantom's lair would be lit with bright dinosaur-shaped nightlights, so as not to frighten any children who are afraid of the dark. (I was going to light the tunnels with torches, but that would tick off the fire safety people) Erik and Christine would now wear life jackets in the gondola.

The Music of the Night
The entire song has been cut, as the title could be considered a sexual innuendo. Instead, Erik will sing a new song called "Music is Good". His beautiful voice will lull Christine to sleep. (She has to voluntarily fall asleep now, because I have cut out the part with the dummy. Obsessions shouldn't be part of a children's movie)

Stranger Than You Dreamt It
When Christine unmasks the Phantom, his deformities are shown to be nothing but a slight lump on one side of his face, and one eye that is bigger than the other. He is still kind of ugly, but in a cutesy way. Everything from "Damn you, you little lying Delilah" to "Damn you! Curse you!" is cut, because it is full of curse words and literary allusions that children wouldn't understand. That whole "fear can turn to love" line is stricken, because it might romanticize violent relationships.

Magical Lasso
The whole scene is cut, because it isn't nice to make fun of other people.

Notes/Prima Donna
All curse words are cut, and Carlotta, Firmin and Andre would never accuse Raoul of being Christine's lover, because any mention of s-e-x might take away the G-rating

Poor Fool, He Makes Me Laugh
Erik doesn't actually kill Buquet. He is just playfully tossing spit wads at him, which make the unfortunate Buquet lose his balance and fall off the rafters. (After all, Erik had no quarrel with Buquet, since "Magical Lasso" never happened)

Why have you Brought Us Here?
It now takes place backstage, since the roof is so high. High places are dangerous and we don't want to give the little tykes any ideas. Also, the line about "those pleading eyes that both threaten and adore" will be cut, because it might also romanticize abuse.

All I Ask of You
Nothing would be changed. It's the perfect innocuous piece of Disney mush. Every Disney movie has a romantic number just like it. (Though we don't know why-the children are just disgusted by them) And Erik doesn't cut the chandelier down on purpose-he just felt bad about all the spit wads and accidentally knocked the chandelier down while he was trying to clean them off the rafters.

Firmin and Andre aren't dressed as skeletons, because that's a little too scary. Erik is no longer dressed as Red Death (also too scary). Instead, he is wearing a sunflower costume. His opera is no longer called "Don Juan Triumphant", because it's too hard to pronounce. Instead, the Phantom has written an adaptation of "Cinderella". More free advertising. He no longer says "You chains are still mine," because it is too abusive sounding, and besides, children wouldn't understand the metaphor.

Notes/Twisted Every Way
Christine no longer sings the "Twisted Every Way" part, because it's too depressing.

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
Replaced, because Christine's dad isn't dead in this one. Instead, he is a minor character, and he and Christine have a warm, fuzzy relationship that will help encourage family togetherness. Is replaced by a quaint little song in which Christine's father advises her to "follow her heart".

Wandering Child/Bravo, Monsieur
Turns out to be a dream sequence of Raoul's, because we can't have a graveyard scene now that Christine's dad is alive. Besides, the whole line about "Wandering Child so lost so helpless/Yearning for my guidance might be considered chauvinistic.

The Point of No Return
CUT! CUT! CUT! Way too racy for children's ears! Instead, it is replaced with a less suggestive original song entitled "I Think You're Cute"

Down Once More/Track Down This Murderer
Erik doesn't release Christine and Raoul voluntarily, because that might make kidnappers look too nice. Instead, Raoul comes down and rescues Christine, and they run off singing a somewhat more upbeat version of the original "All I Ask of You" reprise. The last scene shows Erik being hauled away in a paddy wagon, and across the screen, the words "The End?" are flashed. The question mark will leave it open for as many sequels as you can sell. (Say what you will. At least the sequels can't be as bad as Phantom of Manhattan)

Me- *wakes up screaming* Whew! It was only a nightmare