Title: Because I Love You Cas, Okay?
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, all rights belong to Supernatural.
Spoilers: 8x02 is referenced a few times.
Summary: Cas wants Dean to leave him behind in purgatory. A fight ensues.
Warnings: None except for possibly feels, I'm so sorry.
Notes: This is my first Destiel fic and my first fic on here. I read a post on tumblr, got emotional and wrote this. Beta'd by the lovely and talented TruffleHead :)
It was damp and bleak and bloody, as it always was. Though amongst the fighting and the running, they would sometimes get a few peaceful moments. This was one of them.
Dean was sharpening his axe, breathing quietly and letting out little frustrated sighs every now and again. Cas was worried. If all these years fighting alongside Dean had given Cas anything, it was the ability to read Dean Winchester like a book. Dean was obviously going over and over the plan in his head, convincing himself that it would work, that all three of them would pass through the escape hatch. But Cas wasn't going to make it out of purgatory. Dean knew it and now Cas did, too.
It was just the two of them at the moment, sitting in silence. Benny had left a few minutes agoto do a perimeter sweep. Cas wanted to broach the subject; tell Dean to leave him behind, that it's not worth risking all of them to include him. Benny and Dean would make it out alive and Cas would stay here, maybe where he ultimately belonged. Completely fallen and finally getting what he deserves.
Yes, Cas wanted to broach the subject. But he knew Dean, every little inch of him. To how many freckles his body held to the stubborn protective nature he held for the only family he had left. That somehow still included Cas, after all these years. Dean didn't belong here, he belonged on earth with Sam. Fighting monsters and ultimately living the life he was unfortunately destined for. Cas wanted that for him, but he knew he'd never get it if he kept ignoring the obvious truth that was staring them all in the face. Cas wasn't meant to leave. As much as he wanted to be back on earth with Dean, he will gladly sacrifice himself to save Dean's life.
Cas looked over to his right where Dean was still sharpening the makeshift axe. Cas wrung his hands together, scratched his 'peach fuzz', and shifted uncomfortably against the tree he was hiding behind. This wasn't going to be an easy fight.
And so it started with Cas clearing his throat.
"Dean." It was quiet, reserved and Dean didn't respond. He cleared his throat again. "Dean."
"Hm?" Was Dean's reply, not turning away from his task.
"I think we should talk about the plan." Cas stated, keeping his distance for now at the base of the tree.
"We've talked about the plan." Dean said, still refusing to acknowledge that they were even having a conversation.
"You talked, Dean, I simply agreed." Cas said strongly.
"I talked, you agreed. Good, then there's nothing left to talk about." Dean replied.
Dean still had his back to Cas, refusing to partake in the conversation. He was stubborn at the best of times, stuck in ritual and loyalty, but this, well... this was different. Dean was never rude.
"Dean." Cas sighed.
"Cas, I told you." Dean finally turned his head to look at Cas, his cheeks brightening a little with the eye contact. "I'm not leaving here without you, so there's nothing left to talk about."
"It's a suicide mission, Dean, and we both wasn't built for an angel, I'm not going to make it out, leave me, go home, see Sam and I'll be here, stuck in purgatory. After everything I've done, its wh-"
"Don't you dare say, 'its what I deserve' That's bullshit, Cas." Dean stands all of a sudden, his long legs making large strides in Cas' direction. "We're in purgatory, Cas- you're not a monster, you're an angel! Yeah, you made mistakes, but you don't belong here." Dean's face twists uncomfortably, making Cas' stomach do the same. "This isn't what you deserve, so don't give me that crap! We're all leaving together, or not at all!"
"But I became a monster, didn't I? The people I killed... the angels I killed- my brothers! You might not believe I belong here, but God does." Cas was on his feet now, too, meeting Dean in the middle.
"Don't be an idiot, Cas. If God believed you belonged here, than obviously he thought I should be here too, right? Maybe I'm a monster, too. Hell, I broke the first seal, brought on the apocalypse, tortured souls for fun, and have basically gotten my entire family killed. So if anyone deser-"
"But there's an escape for you, Dean. God doesn't want you here anymore than I do."
A beat of silence passed between them. They never said things like that to each other. The colour of both their cheeks darkened and Dean turned away, like he always did when confronted with an emotion he couldn't handle. But when Dean did turn face to Cas again, his light green eyes sparkled with determination. He wasn't backing down. Cas debated the pros and cons of giving up. But giving up meant Dean wouldn't go home. So he stood tall, refusing to let Dean win this one.
Finally, Cas spoke again.
"You aren't a monster, Dean. All you've ever done was what you believed to be right. You aren't being punished for that."
"We're all leaving anyway, so let's quit talking about who deserves what and move on." Dean said, turning to walk away.
"You and Benny can continue tonight, but I'm not going anywhere, Dean. That exit wasn't built for an angel. You can attempt to convince yourself otherwise, but I will not," Cas spat, "Make it out, so you might as well leave me be now before I draw any more unnecessary attention that could get us both killed." Cas said bitterly, Dean's stubborn attitude grating at his calm nature, as usual.
Cas wasn't backing down this time. He would do anything for Dean. When he'd showed up a few days ago and said, "Cas, I need you, buddy,"... Cas had caved, wanting to be needed. But he simply wouldn't get Dean killed just because he liked the thought of being needed, wanted even. He wouldn't risk Dean just because it felt nice to be held by him, if only for a moment. He wouldn't be selfish just because he'd missed Dean's green eyes and the way he said his name.
"We try to get you out, or we both stay." Dean repeated, not budging.
"I've made many mistakes Dean, but, I will not add your death to that list." Cas said, stepping inside Deans 'much too personal' space. "If I die, I will most likely be brought back. But if you die, Dean, you will never see Sam again. He will live the rest of his life never knowing what happened to his big brother." Cas edged in closer, "He will die trying to find out what happened to you and all because you wouldn't leave me here while you had the chance."
"Cas, I-" Dean gulped, glancing down at Cas' eyes before responding, his voice taking on a rougher tone, "Nobody's dying here, alright? We're going home. How many more ways can I say it? We go with you, or not at all!"
Their voices grew more strained, despite being barely an inch from each other. Every time Dean spoke, Cas felt it and vise versa. They were in each others faces, neither one willing to back down, both willing to die for the other, but neither willing to say why.
"I told you that you were family once. I will not let another family member die to save me!" Dean was practically yelling now, Cas edging on his last nerve with each word he said.
"This is inane. I'm not going to make it, Dean. You aren't leaving me here to die, Dean, you are choosing to live. If you keep me with you, you'll die before you make it out of here and I will not have that." Cas replied, his cool breath trickling onto Deans neck.
"Either we go-" Dean started but Cas quickly interrupted.
"If you say that one more time..." They both paused, stealing glances at each other and catching their breath.
"Don't die for nothing, Dean. Leave me behind." Cas breathed.
"No, I'm not leaving here without you."
"Don't be stupid. Go home, see Sam. Leave me."
"Stop being stubborn, Dean."
"No, I won't leave you."
"Please, Dean." Cas begged.
"Dean, you don't have to die!"
"I'm not leaving you."
"Please, Dean. Why won't you just leave me here?"
"Because I love you Cas, okay?" Dean said defiantly, realizing just a second too late what he had said.
The words hung in the tight air between them. Nobody spoke; they were barely breathing. The silence was a long one. Dean looked nervous, his breathing shallow, his light eyes darkening under Cas' intense gaze. Cas smirked slightly, before his mouth set in a hard line.
"I love you too, Dean, but sometimes when you love something, you have to let it go." Cas sighed, tentatively placing his hand on Dean's warm cheek, watching it colour pink at his touch. A tear trailed down to meet his hand and a very quiet sob escaped Dean's mouth.
"Please don't let me go, Cas. I'm not ready to let go yet."