It had been two weeks since I had begun to block myself away from her. It was torture, to say the least. I, Miranda Priestly, was not weak. Having to force myself to look at her as if nothing was wrong, on the other hand, was something that made me wish I could lock myself in my office and never again reveal my face. I had to give her orders, tasks to complete on a daily basis, and I had to do it without inkling to the state of mind I was in. I was breaking. I was crumbling and screaming and in so much pain but I wouldn't let her see. She could not see.
One morning, she had tried to force her way inside my mind once more. I had accepted my breakfast, as per usual, and had simply handed her some photos to take down to the art department.
"You're shutting me out. I can tell." She held the photos close to her chest.
"And when had I ever truly let you in?" I scribbled something down onto a close piece of paper. "You've seen me cry, we've shared some intimate moments but have you ever really known what I was thinking? Have you ever been able to pinpoint what emotion was behind my glassy eyes or is that something you wish to pretend? You like to pretend you shattered the snow queens cool exterior because it is something that no one else has ever attempted or are you simply trying to impress someone that has no interest?" I raised my eyes slowly to look at her. This was horrible. I hated treating her like this, but I would not let my lips quake. I remained strong, waiting for her to leave. She did not budge. She went to speak once more, but I cut her short. "That's all." I took my coffee cup in my hand and turned in my chair. I could not watch her leave.
I heard her heels step quickly out of the room. As she padded down the long corridor away from my room my mind began to feel tense. Someone was scribbling in my thoughts. It was some strange lobotomy that I could not wait to be over. I breathed out slowly, my breathe evidently shaking as I placed my coffee cup softly against my thigh. I remember thinking, wishing for Andrea to ignore everything I just said and come striding back into my office. I wanted her to turn my chair, kiss me, ravish my senses and for her to tell me she saw past this silly little act. I wanted her to prove that she actually did know me. I wanted her to save me from slipping into this horrible darkness that was taking me away from myself.
But now, I sat in a meeting. I had Emily to my side, tapping her pencil annoyingly against the table and Andrea actually taking notes.
"I want major changes for the holiday spread." Nigel nodded, not even having to take notes. I had huge faith in him. "The red is basic." I flipped the page in front of me slowly. "Simply and utterly basic" I whispered. "What do we have set for page 103?"
Sandra popped her hand to the air. I raised my head, a silent approval for her to speak. She nodded, thanking me for the opportunity. "Olivia and I were thinking maybe we could go for a ball gown article. I feel their so overlooked and seen as quite a formal thing and yet you see people like Victoria Beckham in them every day. I just thought maybe we could-"
"It's an idea." I nodded. "Anything slightly more inspiring?" I let the end of my pen sit against my chin. Andrea was looking at me. I suddenly felt so self-conscious. So self-conscious.
Ideas were thrown around the table but all I could take in was the intense look given from Andrea. Her eyes, were they angry? I couldn't tell. Why was she doing this? I wanted to stop. I wanted to scream at her to stop. I wanted to scream at her to leave me alone. I wanted to shout at her that I needed her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to push her away. I don't know what I wanted but for her to simply sit there looking at me was no it.
I felt a familiar burning in my cheeks. Oh god, not here. I blinked quickly, realising what was going to happen. I looked down at my lap. You are not weak. I chanted it in my head. I was not weak. I would not cry in front of a room of people that respected me. I could see them. Those bloody tears. They were there, the one thing that stood between me and the entire room laughing. It was horrible.
"Meetings over." I quickly pushed out of my chair and barged out of the room. My face was going red, I felt it in my cheeks. I quickened my pace as I almost ran to my office. I would not have anybody see me cry. I would leave it as a simple Miranda moment. Nobody would even dare think it was anything other than me being unpredictable.
A short woman nodded, wishing me a good afternoon. I all but pushed her into the wall as I turned the corner. Great. Within an hour it would be spread around the office that I was an abusive boss. I could not win. I was trying to protect everybody from who I really was. I was just a bitch.
I slammed the door behind me, pressing my back desperately against it. It was a sad attempt at locking everybody out. If someone had decided to walk in now, I wouldn't have been strong enough to keep them from what they wanted. I was fragile. I had lost weight since deciding Andrea didn't need me. I was a wreck.
Slowly, ever so painfully slowly, I slipped down the door. My bottom hit the floor with a painful thud. I pulled my legs up, folding into myself. Tears ran silently down my face. My skin felt hot, soggy and disgusting. I pushed one of my shoes off my feet and breathed in. It was a jagged and painful breathe. Wouldn't it have been easier to just end it all now? The girls, they deserved so much better. Stephen deserved someone who would actually fight. I was just another push over. Andrea deserved someone who could give her what she wanted. I deserved the pain I was getting.
Everybody deserved for me to just vanish but how could Miranda Priestly vanish? Miranda, the mother, could lock herself in her office for a while. How did Miranda Priestly run away from her office?
One Week Later – Saturday – 6:50pm
"Andrea, you can go. Emily, follow me." It had reached the pinnacle. Being around Andrea had become physically unbearable. Every time she looked at me I just saw the way she had looked at me the way we had made love. I felt the way she had touched me, the way she had pushed me over the edge. I felt complete adoration and complete guilt. She was not mine to love.
I lead Emily into my office. "Tell Esmeralda that she can go ahead with the printing. I want ten or twenty colour changes for the cover of the Christmas issue. Confirm at the Hilton for the party. Get Patrick to call Carl and ask about the shoes fiasco that went on downstairs this lunchtime. I want an explanation." I spewed instructions at her for at least another five minutes. She nodded at each, scribbling them into her book. When I handed her my famous "That's all" she stepped out of the office and closed the door.
I sighed, turning to look out the window. My eyes closed gently. My breath was shallow and lovely. I felt content, knowing I was slowly getting back into my usual work routine.
Someone opened the door behind me, and then closed it suddenly. It ripped me back to reality. I sighed, turning with a stern look on my face. How dare someone disturb me.
"Andrea, what are you doing? You're meant to be going home." I cleared it up, as if it wasn't already obvious.
"Yeah, for the sixth time this week, you're sending me home early." She shrugged. "Does that not seem odd to you?" I smirked.
"You're complaining because I'm giving you time off?" I mimicked her movements, shrugging with abandon. "Not something I would complain about."
She rolled her eyes. "We need to talk." I coughed, turning back to the window. I was not ready for this. "Why have you been so off with me?"
"Nice to know my single personality is described as 'off'. It's something very nice of you to say." I fiddled with my belt, abandoning attempting to look strong and simply deciding to look that the entire conversation was not killing me inside. I saw red but she would see blue.
"You know what I mean, Miranda." I raised an eyebrow. Did I? "You do. You know exactly what I mean. We were having the time of our lives and suddenly it all vanished. You have been treating me like utter shit for like a month now. I have been killing myself over your god damn divorce but no, I don't get any fucking credit for the fact I'm basically doing two jobs for the pay of one. What is up with you?" She laughed. "You made me feel so special, Miranda. I thought we had something."
I looked at her. "You thought we had something?" I tilted my head. I walked slowly around the desk in front of me. "And what would something be?"
"I… I don't know. I thought I knew you. I thought I saw a Miranda that nobody else did. This amazing woman that had a heart full of gold and she was in so much pain and I thought I could help her. I wanted so badly to fix you. I wanted to be something that would make you smile when nobody else could. I wanted to love you, Miranda. I thought that falling in love with someone would be easy, like falling asleep but you proved me wrong. It is so difficult, Miranda. You showed me how fucked up being in love is."
All I could do was blink. Did she know what she was saying? "Being in love?" I whispered. "You were in love with me?"
"I'm still in love with you, Miranda."
I could have fainted and I probably wouldn't have noticed.
"What did you just say?" I whispered. I swallowed. My voice so close to cracking. I didn't even care. I was in pure and brutal shock.
She smirked. That beautiful and happy smirk graced her face. "You heard what I said." She stepped closer to me, wiping the tears that had formed in my eyes. "I am blissfully in love with you, Miranda." I turned my head, I couldn't look at her. "But you're making it so difficult I'm not so sure sometimes."
"You're not sure?"
"You've been treating me like," She stuttered for a moment. She was probably going through several different curse words, although she had already used a large variety.
"I've treated you badly, I agree." I sighed, stepping away from her.
"Why?" I hated the pain in her voice. Did I create that?
It took me a moment to answer, my hand leaning on my desk. "You're better off without me, Andrea. You're so young. You've just gone through a terrible break up, me somehow being the cause of that and now I'm putting my foot in the situation and making it worse." I coughed, blinking back tears once again. "I'm bad for you, Andrea, you need to realise that."
"Miranda, let me ask you something." Her hands circled my waist, pulling my back into her. She was warm, she was strong. She held her lips to the back of my neck in a warm and kind gesture. Oh, how I had missed this. I felt myself melt into her embrace. "Do you miss things like this? Moments where it is obviously just me and you?" I nodded. I didn't mean to. She brought it out of me. My head rolled back onto her shoulder as I tugged her arms tighter around me. "So have I." She kissed my neck softly.
"I…" I whispered. I didn't know what I wanted to say. Did I love her? I knew I needed her but did I love her? I was so confused.
"It's okay." She replied. "You don't have to say anything. Just please," Her voice dropped suddenly. "Don't block me out any more." My fingers held hers. "You don't have to do this alone. I know you think it will be easier for me but Miranda, you're all I want."
That was it. I pushed her from her arms and turned to face her. "You promise me that you love me? That it's not just something you're doing because you can?" Her fingers dusted over my cheek gently.
"I promise with all my heart."
Gently, I let both of my hands cup her face. The kiss I gave her, so sweet, so beautiful, so very Andrea. Slowly, the intensity increased. My arms wrapped around her neck, pulling her closer. Her hands trailed slowly up my back, bringing my chest into hers strongly. This was beautiful. It felt better than anything I had ever felt before.
"I love you, Miranda." She kissed me lips quickly. "I have to get home. My boss gave me the afternoon off." I chuckled against her lips. I had missed this.
*sneaks out from under the carpet* Hi guys ehe I am very sorry that my internet is a royal bitch. I love you all. Thank you for staying put and bombarding me with PM's demanding to know if I am still alive. I love you all. Please review not that I'm begging because I love you and you're all magic and aw I missed you all. Any mistakes are my own and only my own. You're all lovely.