Author: Raven Shadowrose
Summary: Jeff and Dixie think about their feelings
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Casualty, any original characters and this story are my property and I do not give permission for anyone else to use this story.
Author's Note: Thank you to everyone that has read this story, I was going to end it after the last chapter but I think that Dixie and Jeff's story isn't quite finished yet so I'm going to continue with it for a little while longer. Thanks to Beethoven RIP for her comments, I'm glad I carried on this story too and I'm happy that you're enjoying it :)
Chapter Four... Dixie.
Jeff is currently out with Little Abs, I'm taking this time to get changed into some comfortable clothing. I pulled my favourite jeans and shirt out of my wardrobe, I left my feet bare, after having shoes on all day I just want to be more comfortable. I went down to the kitchen and turned the radio on, I agreed to do the dinner as I wanted some free time to think. I pulled everything that I needed out of the fridge to make spaghetti bolognaise. It was simple to make but it was one of my favourite meals and I was hoping it would make me feel better about this whole day. I took a bottle of red from the wine rack, normally I liked beer but you can't put beer in spag bol.
I poured myself a glass of wine as I set the water on to boil for the spaghetti, I was hoping that it would give me some courage to discuss with Jeff how I was feeling. I didn't know how he was going to take it. I could just imagine it now; 'I know I'm a lesbian Jeff but I think I'm starting to fall in love with you.' Thinking it just makes it more real, I once heard that sexuality can be fluid and can change. Is that's what is happening to me? Am I becoming someone else? I don't think it is all men, I think it is just Jeff, we've spent that much time together that maybe this was inevitable.
I tried to keep my mind on cooking but Jeff kept popping in there, I added some more wine to the sauce, at the very least it will drown my nerves. I really felt like someone was watching me and I turned to find Jeff stood there. 'Blimey Jeff, could you let me know when you're stood there, you almost gave me a heart attack.'
'Don't just stand there, make yourself useful and some plates out.' I turned my back on Jeff and tried to compose myself, Jeff had surprised me and I needed to calm myself down. I let Jeff put the spaghetti on the plates and then added the sauce myself. I poured myself another glass of wine and then one for Jeff too. 'Wine Dix? What's the special occasion?'
'No reason, I just felt like having a glass, that's all.'
'You're usually a beer woman.'
'So, sometimes I can be a bit more refined and ladylike.' I tried to stop myself snapping, my nerves were getting worse. I took a deep breath and then followed Jeff into the lounge.
I took my usual sofa and tucked my legs under myself, I was starting to feel calmer now, it might have been the wine making its way through my system. Jeff was watching me, I saw him out of the corner of my eye. 'Thanks for cooking Dixie.'
'No problem Jeff.' I tried to keep my voice casual to bury the inner turmoil that I was feeling, it was surprisingly easy at this moment in time but I wondered how long that would last.
I was snapped out of my thoughts by Jeff picking up the plates and glasses off the floor. 'I'll do the washing up.'
'I won't stop you from doing that Jeffrey.' I lay back on the sofa and pillowed my head on one of the cushions. I heard Jeff whistling as he washed up, Little Abs had gone to be with Jeff so I was left on my own. I know that the one thing that is stopping me from telling Jeff is everything that happened with Cyd. I couldn't deal with it if he reacted the same way that she did, couldn't deal with losing someone else that I cared about. He makes me feel better about myself.
I didn't realise that I had fallen asleep, one minute I was thinking and the next I felt Jeff shaking me. 'Dixie,' Jeff shook my shoulder again. 'Come on Dix, you can't sleep here.' I slowly sat up, he'd never leave me alone if I didn't move. 'I wasn't asleep, I was just resting my eyes.'
'Sure, of course you were.'
'Go to bed Dixie.' I saw the sense of what Jeff had just said, it had been a long day and the combination of work and the battle with my feelings had made me feel very tired. It would be good to get into bed and rest, maybe I would find some answers in my sleep. 'Goodnight hug?' I wasn't sure if it was a good idea but I smiled and stepped into his arms anyway. Normally I stayed for a couple of seconds and then moved away but tonight was different, Jeff was warm and he made me feel safe. I eventually pulled away even though I wanted to stay. 'Goodnight Jeff.'
'Goodnight Dixie.' Jeff sounded worried, he's always been able to tell when I'm not feeling like my usual self. 'Are you all right princess, you've been distracted all evening.'
'I'm fine, just tired.'
'Okay, goodnight, get some sleep.'
'I will.' I tried my best to smile but I fear the Jeff knew it was false and that I was keeping something from him.
I got myself ready for bed and into a comfortable pair of pyjamas, I heard Jeff walking along the landing and then he went into his own room. It was comforting knowing that he was nearby in case I needed him. I went to the drawer that had the box with my special things in it. I had things from my childhood in there, a necklace that my dad bought me and photos of the people that meant the most to me. I settled myself down on my bed and searched through the box until I found the one thing that I was looking for, my wedding ring.
I slipped the ring into place on my left hand, we decided not to wear the rings after the wedding, it seemed pointless at the time. I looked at the ring and thought about what it represented, what it could mean in the future. Could I do it, could I be Jeff's wife? Could I be his wife not only on paper but for real? What would people think and say? Would anyone notice if I turned up at work wearing the ring? I ran my hands through my hair, I had many questions and no answers.
I couldn't imagine sharing a bed with a man for anything other than platonic reasons, I wouldn't know what to do really. I'm familiar with the practical arrangements from science lessons in school but on a personal level I have no idea. Maybe that knowledge will come to me in time, I'm still dealing with my changing feelings for my husband. I have a feeling that I am running before I can walk here.
I took off the ring and placed it carefully back in the box, I secured the lid and placed the box back into the drawer. Maybe one day I will find the courage to tell Jeff my feelings, I know that I was supposed to do it tonight but I couldn't. I'm scared he'll reject me, for now I will have to keep how I feel to myself and hope that one day I will be able to confide in him.
I shut off the lights and settled down beneath the covers, I had promised Jeff that I would get some sleep and he would be a little bit mad if he knew that I was still awake after I had promised him that I would go to bed. It made me smile that he cared for me so much. I closed my eyes and hoped that sleep would bring me some of the answers that I needed.