There are certain things you never say.

Maybe you've heard that somewhere before, and I wouldn't be surprised. It's a life lesson, one that I had to learn the hard way. When you're friends with somebody, you have to be careful what you say to them. That makes sense, why would anyone want to offend a friend? With your best friends, you'd probably think all that stuff goes out the window, and you can build an entire relationship based off of insults and snide remarks.


Even if it's just one time, the minute you say something wrong things will never be the same. It doesn't matter if you've been friends your whole life, or if you know everything about them. When you say certain things, you never go back.

The four of us, Sam, Ally, Elody, and me, we didn't really get that. Or at least I didn't. Maybe they did, but me being me and not really having a filter, I tend to say bitchy things. It's me, and it's what you sign up for when you gain my friendship. But with certain slips of the tongue come certain consequences I've learned. A lot has changed in the past year. Things went wrong, and at first I didn't see how.

I figured it out afterwards.

It started with Sam. It was an ordinary Friday, Cupid Day. Nothing special. A boring day at school and a party that night. Then I drove drunk, and she died.

Blunt, I know. I used to be a lot softer.

After Sam, it was just the three of us. Elody, Ally, and me. Things weren't the same without Sam. I wouldn't say it out loud, but it felt like there was a huge hole in my heart that Sam had left vacant. Things weren't going to get back to the way they were. I knew it in my mind, but I'm an optimist. I tried desperately to make our four-girl bond work with three girls.

I failed.

We would start to get on each other's nerves about every little thing. I hadn't realized it when she was alive, but Sam had been my rock. I guess I have a temper, who knew? But she kept me leveled and without her, there was no one to hold me down.

I would be on Elody and Ally for everything. Even on the day of Sam's funeral, I had to bust Ally's balls about how her shoes were ugly and didn't match her dress at all, and make fun of Elody for her running makeup. I really was a terrible friend to both of them, but they knew that without me, they'd only have each other. They knew the two of them wouldn't survive without me.

They wouldn't survive with me either.

When the winter ended and spring finally came around, I told them that we most likely wouldn't stay friends after the summer. It was just a casual statement that I had made during a random conversation about life.

I guess that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Elody just started crying, and Ally literally exploded at me, cursing at me, trying to hit me, screaming at me for treating both of them like shit for years. I knew in the back of my mind she was just blowing off steam, and what I had said wasn't even that bad, but it hurt.

It hurt to realize that these two girls who were supposed to be my best friends had so much hatred towards me. I knew that if Sam were here, none of that would have happened. The four of us would have gone through the rest of our senior year exactly the way we had been for the last 6 years of our lives. But Sam was gone, and Ally and Elody weren't.

As much as I tried to deny it, our friendship was lopsided. Sam had left it like that and it was beyond repair. We drifted apart after that confrontation, with me no longer popular at all. I kind of floated through school, not sure of where I belonged. Sam had been so much more important to my life than I realized, and without her I wasn't who I thought I was.

There are certain things you never say.

"Nice tear stains, El. Try waterproof next time."

"Ally, you left like half of your pizza. You're not eating it?"

" You guys are like my puppies, you're cute accessories that follow me around."

"Elody, your 8th boyfriend is calling for you."

"We're probably not going to end up staying friends after the summer."

Once you say them, little by little, things change. People change, and situations change. Before I even really knew what change was, I had done far too much damage to ever go back. I was hanging by a thread, and I fucked up that thread too.

Now we're graduating. I'm alone at the prom, without any friends by my side. Sam's gone. Ally and Elody are gone. Everyone's gone, because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I ruined things for myself, and I can't go back.

Not ever.