Building a New Life
Sometimes life cheats on you and you have to watch the love of your life choose another. Sometimes live is good and things are not what they seem. John would rather live an unhappy life watching Teyla and Kanaan than losing Teyla. But when Kanaan stays on New Athos more often, John has to risk his heart showing Teyla that Atlantis is where she belongs. Before she follows Kanaan.
I do not own any characters below or any right concerning SGA. The spoken context in the first part is taken directly from the episode The Queen and therefore not written by me.
1) I wanted to thank you who have read my first try Phantom's Tag. I was very honored by you who commented.
2) Thanks for your reviews. I'm really glad you like it. I reworked the first chapter and smoothed out some mistakes. I also changed it a little so it is more fluid. Just so you know, the changes have no consequences on the story itself.
Thanks for those who gave me the hints to work this over.
I want to dedicate this work to my grams who took the time to read this piece and correct it.
She never has seen SGA and even though she is on vacation here, took the whole day to endure her granddaughter's writing. Though she told me I pulled a Seinfeld on her, I'm glad she liked it.
I hope you to enjoy it.
3) This fic is a little different from my first. I'm a huge John and Teyla fan and I think the show cheated us on a great possibility to explore their relationship. There are many great fics out there already as well as the wonderful books. This is my take on how the relationship between John and Teyla could have developed.
The fic is complete, but I will have to work over the single chapters. All mistakes are mine; but if you find mistakes or inconsistencies please tell me. I'm always glad for your help.
"Regardless and we are better off than we were before." John said his voice not as firm as he had wanted, never the less he hoped his words would help Teyla and make her feel better.
"Yes" Teyla said nodding once; still John caught the haunted look in her eyes. "I suppose you're right." She added after taking a deep breath thru her nose, her face still showing her doubts.
John wanted to help Teyla, but was at a loss as to how. He couldn't take the guilt away and to be honest he never quite managed to leave his own ghosts behind.
He studied her for a moment, she looked so lost and John longed to comfort her, but it wasn't his place, not anymore, Kanaan was back and had resumed his rightful place at Teyla's side, a strong shoulder to lean on. A role John had filled many times while Teyla had been pregnant and alone.
"Get some rest." John advised patting her leg.
Teyla looked up feeling John's inner conflict, she tried to ignore it. She couldn't take that road, not now anyway.
"I come back, check on you." He said hurriedly and Teyla felt him pull the invisible wall he had established around him closer as he practically fled from the infirmary
John hurried out of the infirmary and down the corridor needing to put some space between himself and Teyla. He wondered where the hell Kanaan was, he should be with her, but John hadn't seen the man in weeks.
Now that he thought about it, he wondered when exactly he had seen the man last. John shook his head to clear his mind. He needed fresh air.
He had buried his feelings for Teyla so deep and still they surged up every now and then. The ordeal of the last few days and the worry for Teyla's safety had brought them close to the surface again.
John couldn't risk getting too close to Teyla; he had to keep his distance, anything else would let to a place he didn't want to go, not again, because this time there wouldn't be a retrovirus to excuse his actions.
He stormed out onto the next balcony. His hands closed around the railing as he hung his head between his arms taking deep breaths.
He loved Teyla.
He hadn't been able to ignore his feelings for her any longer after he had woken trapped under the remains of Michael's compound. The dream had been the PG version of many dreams before, but trapped under the beam he hadn't been able to use physical exertion to push his feeling and thoughts away. Only his mind had been there to keep him busy while waiting to be rescued and his mind had wandered thru the years and to the decisions he had made. The reasons why he had never made a move on Teyla had gotten thinner by every minute he thought them thru.
Teyla's strength and confidence had intrigued him from the moment they had met and he had flirted with her, but he also had felt a connection to Teyla, one he hadn't understood.
He vividly remembered the surge that had shot thru him when he had put the necklace around her. It had been the moment John had realized that he could get into trouble and that he needed to be careful.
Then things had gone to hell and John had rescued Teyla and her people. In the following months Teyla's friendship had become very important to John and he had buried his feeling, covered them with the rules and regulations of a world that meant nothing to her.
In the end he had admitted to himself that he loved Teyla, but also that he was afraid, afraid to ruin her trust in him and their friendship.
He wasn't good enough. He was a screw up. He had ruined every relationship he had had; his marriage had been a disaster and he hadn't spoken to his family in years. If it wasn't for his gene he would still play taxi pilot on the coldest continent on his world.
John knew that over the years Teyla had learned to see thru him; he only could fool her because she let him. He knew that if she started to look closer, he would be toast. She had already started to put cracks into the wall he had erected around him. Like the one time she had made him talk about his feelings.
His thoughts wandered to the promise he had made to himself just moments before the hybrids had come down on him and Ronon, that if he ever found Teyla and survived this mess, he would take a chance and made her see. He would let her in.
His promise had been good till the moment they had stumbled over Kanaan on the hive.
John sighed and closed his eyes, his mind taking him on another journey. Teyla hugging him, his hand on her stomach feeling TJ kick, flying to the planet with the newborn TJ in his arms, wishing he would be TJ's father.
He had fallen in love with the little guy the moment he had laid his eyes on him.
Things had been crazy after their return again.
Sam being replaced with Woolsey, the hive growing in the city, Ronon, Rodney one thing had chased the other and he had never had quite the time to take a breath or even think about his situation, but ever since he had admitted himself to be in love Teyla, his love for her had grown.
He couldn't have her, once again she had chosen and it hadn't been him. John took another deep breath. Okay there hadn't been much to choose from. She didn't know.
John shook his head to clear his mind once more. He turned and left the balcony and his musings behind; he had a job to do. He shoved his feelings back in dark place where he was mostly able to bury them, if they wouldn't resurface every now and then.
Teyla watched John go her gaze travelling from him to her hand. She flexed her hand while her thoughts wandered. She was glad that John had misread her mood partly.
Yes, she felt guilty for what had happened with Todd and that she hadn't seen it coming, but she also knew it was what it was and that the wraith just couldn't be trusted.
Most of the guilt she felt at the moment was towards John. She had just figured out a few days ago that she was actually able to feel John's mind and she still doubted that she truly could feel him, but the connection had come so easily and strong, that it had surprised her. To her chagrin she couldn't really stop herself now that she thought she could read John. Though she was sure, she only was taking nips at the surface.
Teyla sighed and looked up again, after the man she truly loved, before leaning back closing her eyes. Things between her and Kanaan had been strained for quite some time now and the truth was they hadn't been lovers since the night Torren had been conceived.
They had tried to go back to where they had started, but Teyla soon realized that things had changed. Kanaan had changed. He wasn't the carefree humble man anymore.
In her time with the Lanteans Teyla had learned to embrace her gift and use it. Kanaan on the other hand had always been embarrassed and frightened by his own abilities. Michael's forced transformation had made him resent the gift downright. He didn't want to be like that.
Kanaan too had learned a lot during his time as a hybrid, but it hadn't been his choice and now he shied away from the connection they once had shared openly. Shortly after her decision to resume her position on the team, he had shut her out completely, serving their minds connection, despite the fact that he had encouraged her to do so.
Teyla had understood at first, but when he had also cut the connection to their son she had been horrified. TJ was too young to understand that his father's mind was no longer there, as it had been before. The little baby had been confused and scared. It had let too many arguments and heated discussions, but they had never found a common ground anymore.
Their latest fight had been about her choice to let herself be transformed into a wraith queen.
"You should not let them use you like that." The angry words from Kanaan echoed in Teyla's mind.
"No one is using me. Colonel Sheppard…"
"You are used! You are just too blind to see. Do you still believe you could hide your true feelings for him from me? I too have learned a lot." Teyla had been shocked by Kanaan's harsh words. "And you did not close your mind to me." He informed her.
"I did not deem it necessary."
Kanaan only sneered. "You are just helping for your misguided sense of loyalty and love for someone who never returned it. They brought this about us."
The words he spoke stung.
"You do not really believe this." She tried to reason. Kanaan had never been like this.
Kanaan opened his mind and Teyla was unprepared by the force of his emotions. She gasped at the hate and resentment he felt. He regretted that he had sought her out and that they had created Torren together. There was so much hate in him it left Teyla breathless.
"You go embrace your 'gift'." He said making sure she knew he didn't see a gift, but a curse in their ability. "But I go where I belong and so you know Colonel Sheppard too hides what he is feeling, for once you should try reading him instead of me."
He had left their quarters then and not returned for the night.
Instead of worrying about Kanaan and her relationship, Teyla had wondered about his revelation about John's feelings. Had he spoken the truth? And if how could Kanaan have read John?
For some time now she had had the suspicion that at times she had gotten something from John, but she had always pushed it aside as wishful thinking. It couldn't be.
She had not slept much that night wondering and thinking of what Kanaan had said. In the early morning she had realized that Kanaan had been right on one point, that her feelings for John had grown and that she could not hide them anymore.
The next morning Ronon had come by to tell her that Kanaan had been in his quarters for the night and was now in the mess. He had told Ronon that he had made a big mistake and to tell Teyla he was sorry. Teyla wasn't sure what Kanaan was sorry for. For what he had said or for what he truly felt. That he was sorry for being with her. He might have said it just so Ronon thought Kanaan was sorry for their fight.
He had left for Athos later in the morning without approaching her again and Teyla had felt him moments before he had step into the pool of the gate. Resentment and anger were the most prominent emotions she had gotten. That had showed her that Kanaan had used the words in front of Ronon to blend what he truly felt and wanted to say.
Atlantis and those connected to it were responsible for his misery.
She would try and talk to him once more as Kanaan had been thoughtful enough to send Kyra to help her take care of Torren. She took it as a sign that he still loved his son and not all was lost.
Teyla thoughts returned to her current situation. She was alone in the infirmary and hadn't seen her son for quite some time. She missed Torren and couldn't wait to see her him again.
She felt even more alone now that John had gone, though she still could feel his presence.
"Hey Sheppard" John stopped mid-stride on his way to Teyla's quarters. After one hour of fruitless trying to concentrate on the latest mission reports, John had decided to see if he could watch TJ for some time, so Kanaan could console Teyla a little, he couldn't stand her being sad.
He really tried to be nice to Teyla's whatever, but he really didn't like the guy and his behavior right now didn't help either.
"What's up?" Ronon asked and John waited long enough to let Ronon caught up with him.
"I'm going to see if Kanaan needs help, he hasn't visit Teyla once." John explained and Ronon's face clouded over.
John knew Ronon and the Athosian had become friends, but from Ronon's reaction he knew he was not impressed either.
"You wanna spare later?"
"Sure thing. I call you when Kanaan comes back." John answered and then took his turn to the right.
John stood in front of Teyla's quarters and was about to open the door manually, he had used the chimes three times now and he could hear TJ's wails dimly thru the door.
Suddenly the door sprang open and a frazzled looking girl stood in the opening. John knew her, but his focus was drawn to the wailing baby in her arms.
John reacted on instinct and pulled the little boy from the girl's grasp as he stepped into the room.
"Hey there little man." He said to TJ catching one of the little fists waving thru the air. Torren grabbed John's hand and took a moment to see who was there, before he slowly calmed to hiccuping.
John heard the girl sigh and the name Cara sprang to his mind. "Thank the ancestors, Colonel. I tried everything I could think off." She started to rant and John adjusted TJ to his shoulder listening to the list of things the girl had tried. Torren hiccuped a few more times before snuggling against John's neck and finally dropping off.
"I was going to call Dr Beckett to ask if I could bring Torren to his mother. I did not manage to calm him." She finished her explanation.
"Relax." John said wondering what was going on. He looked around in the room. "Where is Kanaan?"
"He was needed at the camp." Kyra lied smoothly and to her relieve the Colonel just rose his eyebrow, but didn't asked further.
"I'm going to bring Torren to Teyla and watch him for a while." The Colonel said and Kyra nodded, she was surprised that Torren had settled so fast in the Colonel's arms. "Tell Kanaan that he is with me when you see him."
Kyra nodded again and again was surprised. Kanaan had said that Teyla's team didn't care for either him or their son, but seeing the Colonel handling the baby told her otherwise.
"Cara?" he asked.
Kyra shook her head, astounded that the Colonel knew her name at all. They had only met once.
"There should be a car seat in the closet."
"Oh right," He said. "Just look in the closet, there should be something looking like a big basket with a pillowed seat and with straps, it's pretty bulky and if you are at it could you please put some bottles and diapers in the bag next to the closet."
Kyra nodded still confused about the basket thing he had described.
She found what he had described and brought it over to him. In the meantime the Colonel had changed Torren's diaper and clothes.
"Thank you." He said and Kyra watched fascinated, how the Colonel maneuvered the sleeping baby in the carrier without waking him, he must have done it many times she guessed.
"You can go back to New Athos if you want to. I watch Torren till Kanaan comes back."
Kyra shook her head. "Teyla is supposed to teach me. Just bring him back later. I will take care of him, if Teyla allows it."
"Okay, but if you ever have trouble again call me."
"I will Colonel. Thank you."
John fumed if Teyla were his … whatever … she was to Kanaan, he would never have left. Not if he had something to say about it, that was. Kanaan was a jerk and John couldn't understand what Teyla saw in him, but it wasn't his right to judge Teyla's relationship. His track record was anything but clean.
But he had promised her once, that she had a family here and he would do anything for her or TJ. It was time to show her that.
When John reached the infirmary Teyla was asleep, so he walked over to Carson's office and explained to him why he had the baby and asked if it would be okay to sit with Teyla. Carson agreed and so he settled with TJ next to Teyla's bed.
John had gotten his tablet on the way to the infirmary and took it out to skim thru his paper work, finally able to concentrate. He put the tablet on a pillow on the bed, so he could work one handed on it while his other hand rested softly on TJ, rocking the car seat a little every now and then.
He worked like that for about an hour when TJ started to stir and then to fuss.
"Hey pal." John whispered smiling at the baby, the last time he had checked on Teyla she had still been asleep and he didn't want Carson to rethink his decision and throw him and TJ out. He quickly put his tablet away and picked up the squirming baby, before gave and wail or anything.
"Since I changed you not that long ago and you hadn't any food since then." He quickly held TJ up and sniffed at his bottom just to be sure.
"I'm pretty sure you're hungry now." He added getting up. "Good thing I already asked Uncle Carson to heat a bottle for you, should be the right temperature by now." John buried his nose in TJ's soft tuft of hair, placing a kiss on the top of his head. He had found out quite some time ago that he really enjoyed caring for his namesake; sadly he didn't get the chance too often.
He placed the boy in the crook of his left arm. TJ looked up at him and John realized that he had the same deep brown inquisitive eyes Teyla had. John entered Carson's now empty office. He went over to the corner where Carson had plugged the bottle heater in earlier.
Unaware to John Teyla watched him vanish from her view a tear sliding down her cheek. John had been so concentrated on her son that he hadn't realized that she had woken. She had been awake for quite some time, watching John work with TJ next to him. John's hand had rested on her son and the love John felt for her son had flooded her whole being. Seeing him caring for her son and making sure he was close to her proved to be a little much, even more so since things with Kanaan were practically over.
Teyla gasped John really love her. She could clearly feel it now. His feelings for Torren were strongly woven with his feelings for her.
No it couldn't be. He had never approached her.
Kanaan's angry words came back to her. She had never tried to consciously read John, knowing he would be horrified if he knew she could. She had accepted the barrier he had erected around him, though now she knew she could break thru if she really wanted to.
She remembered a conversation with a friend she had had years ago about being interested in someone from earth, she had never told her it was John she had feelings for. Her friend had told her to take the first step, but she had been too unsure and scared. In her culture it was common for the man to show his intentions. But now that she thought about all the things John had done and was still doing for her she started to understand that maybe he had shown his interest and she had been unable to see it.
She had to talk to Kanaan first though, before she could move on and seek for something new. She knew she had to go to Kanaan; he would not come to her, not anymore. She was a little shocked that the end of her and Kanaan relationship didn't bother her as much as she knew it should, but too many things had happened lately and too many hurtful things had been said.
Teyla wondered if Kanaan would agree to come back to care for their son. Torren needed a father, but watching John with her son eased that worry a little too. Did Kanaan know the Colonel was also ready to step in as a caretaker for Torren?
Teyla was so immersed in her thoughts that she hadn't heard John return.
"Look who's awake." John's voice finally pulled Teyla from her reminiscing.
"John." She said a smile breaking out on her face.
Teyla shifted to make room on her bed. John seemed to consider his option for a moment, but in the end accepted her offer and settled down next to her with TJ in his arms vigorously sucking on his bottle. John made a motion that he could hand TJ over to her.
"I do not believe he would be too happy, if you try and take the bottle from him now. If you do not mind to feed him, I will just watch."
John snorted knowing the strength of TJ's lungs when he was displeased and that surely would get them thrown out. He shifted and got comfortable next to Teyla. He wasn't a home wrecker, but he was intent of showing Teyla that, he cared for her wellbeing.
Teyla was surprised, John seemed not as awkward as he usually would, when he was this close to her. He seemed rather relaxed and comfortable. She had gotten the feeling, he had kept his distance ever since Kanaan had returned from the main land. Now his gaze was fixed on Torren who was comfortably settled in his arms and watched right back at the man feeding him.
Teyla felt her son's contentment. He felt more comfortable with John than with his own father. Teyla wondered where it came from, but for now was happy with how things were. Teyla stroke her son's head, before settling back in her pillows next to John.
Teyla had almost fallen asleep again when John shifted. He slipped from the bed putting the now empty bottle on the nightstand. Teyla watched him shift Torren on his shoulder and pat the boys back waiting for the air to vent from her son's stomach. The burp her son emitted was quite loud and Teyla couldn't help chuckle.
"Here you go." John said placing Torren in Teyla's arms. "I'll put the bottle away and be back soon." He said smiling at her.
"Thank you John." Teyla said snuggling her son close, happy to have him with her again.
Teyla looked wary at Kanaan. Jennifer had released her this morning. She had had breakfast with John and then she had gone to speak to Kanaan. He was still angry, but Halling had talked to him too so he had rethought things about his son. He would at least try.
"I cannot return to what was before." He said his voice distant. "I still believe what I said, but I see that Torren is not at fault."
He was returning with her to the city, but Teyla knew he just did it to keep his face in front of Halling. They would not share quarters anymore, but Teyla had to admit that she didn't mind that part at all; she had already talked to Mr Woolsey. Things between her and Kanaan were over, but she was not ready to admit it to her friends and teammates just yet and had asked him to keep quiet. She needed time to figure things out. She looked back at the front walking to the gate.
"Everything is settled. You will have your own quarters."
"Who is watching our son?" Kanaan asked next, his voice neutral. "Kyra is back at the camp for a few days now."
"Torren is with Colonel Sheppard." Teyla said not looking back.
"I send Kyra to take care of Torren." His voice held a hard edge now, showing his anger about that fact.
"Colonel Sheppard offered to take care of our son. Torren did not like being left with a practical stranger. He knows John and is used to him. He was not to Kyra and was unsettled in her care."
"He wouldn't have been, if you would be with our people more often."
Teyla choose to ignore his snide remark.
"Kyra helped John, so Torren could get used to her." She stated. "But in the end John wanted to take care of our son and I agreed. There is much work to do at the camp, so John told her to go back."
Kanaan grumbled angrily.
"She told me what you said about the Colonel and that she believed otherwise as she witnessed that he knew very well how to care for our son." Teyla threw back at him losing her patience.
Kanaan refrained from answering, but Teyla got his thoughts about her doing loud and clear. She didn't care anymore. She would do what was best for her son and not what Kanaan thought would boost his ego.
Teyla plastered a friendly smile on her face when they stepped through the gate. John already awaited them smiling too and Torren in his arms. Teyla felt his reservations towards Kanaan as soon as he stepped closer.
John saw Kanaan and Teyla emerge from the pool. Something was off, but he wasn't sure what exactly was wrong. He greeted both and handed TJ to Teyla.
"Thank you John." Teyla told him and John realized her smile didn't reach her eyes.
"Been my pleasure." John answered with a genuine smile at Torren.
"TJ is an easy kid." He shrugged, throwing a glance at Kanaan who had made a disapproving noise when John had called the kid TJ. But Kanaan stayed silent now.
John realized that Kanaan didn't greet his son or asked how he was or to hold him. He just looked strangely at the boy and John wondered what was going on.
"I have to be in a meeting in 20 minutes." John said pointing with his thump behind his shoulder. He felt uncomfortable as he got the distinct feeling he had something to do with the tension between the couple.
"Thank you." Teyla said once more.
"I see you later." John said. "Bye TJ." He added stroking over the baby's head. Kanaan tensed and grumbled again so John quickly retreated up the stairs.
"Your behavior is not acceptable." Teyla hissed at Kanaan as soon as they were out of earshot of the control room. Kanaan's retort was wordless and vicious. Teyla averted her eyes sighing and wondering if it would have been better for Kanaan to have stayed on New Athos.
John watched the little family leave, sighing, something had been very wrong and he clearly had gotten the impression it was his fault, at least Kanaan thought so. John had no clue what he had done to the man. Kanaan had barely looked at him or his son for that matter and Teyla's smile had been faked too.
If he was the reason for trouble between the couple he would keep his distance though he knew it would hurt him, but he wanted Teyla to be happy.