Well...my math grade has still not improved, but I went off and read enough Hetalia fanfiction to give me a stomachache from laughing...and give me a headache from all the facepalms.
So for this chapter, we will have a short scene of Lucy training as a shinobi, and Sasuke and Itachi fighting together.
Well, it's more of Sasuke getting Itachi to fight...not exactly the battle you have in mind...but then again, I'm a humor person.
Don't worry, the world hasn't ended yet. It will end when...
Zoro can get everywhere he wants.
Ichigo finds out his hair was bleached.
Sasuke and Itachi reconcile and hug. (Oh wait that sort of happens here...well, the hugging does. And if spilling out your life story counts as reconcilation...)
Jiraiya is no longer a pervert and is instead dedicated to writing books about how there should be stricter laws about peeking.
Speaking of other things, has anyone seen the new Fairy Tail chapter? Mato's identity has been revealed (I think) and..
o_O It's kinda disturbing.
When you are a shinobi, and have been a shinobi for a good number of years, you begin to see a pattern.
The pattern is that there are three types of days:
1. You manage to get through the day alive since, well, everyone you fought was defeated. Or you didn't fight at all.
2. You barely manage to get through the day alive.
3. You are dead.
Now the last one was a one-time only, but it was true. A shinobi over the age of 50 was usually admired for being able to stay alive for so long.
In fact, one of the greatest achievements for a shinobi was dying of natural causes.
Lucy learned that the hard way.
Tsunade had decided to put Anko in charge, as Lucy seriously needed to toughen up (she was the last member by blood of the Shokan clan). She had to learn how to channel chakra, otherwise her heritage was literally useless. Member of the Shokan clan were famous and feared for the ability to summon creatures to their aid with no scroll (this was because the contract was sealed at birth) so, most of the Hidden Villages came together to do what they usually did to clans who lived by themselves and were not very numerous.
They formed a temporary alliance that would last as long as their common interest existed. They would remove the people of the clan from the surface of the planet and plunge their homeland into eternal darkness.
In other words, obliberate the people's home and massacre them all.
(We hope that has sort of managed to jog your memory.)
Unfortunately for Lucy, Anko had a different idea of "toughening up" than Tsunade.
Namely, chasing Lucy with everything dangerous (including sharpened chopsticks...) and throwing everything that looked as if it would hurt (this included pots of soup) in the general direction of Lucy.
Of course, if those dangerous objects hit other objects...and caused them to fall, that was a bonus.
So, by the time Anko's time ended, Lucy had learned mostly how to run away very fast and avoid dangerous objects unconsciously. Like a certain Hetalia character.
Tsunade was hoping that this would end soon. The destruction was so great she could clearly see it from the Hokage offi-
Wait a minute.
Was that depression in the shape of a phrase?!
And it said...
ANKO RULES! THE REST OF YOU SUCK!
Tsunade sighed. Sake time.
Now. Back to the actual story.
And stared at the frustratingly stupid, insolent display-board that would NOT CHANGE.
Because if he was reading it right, the board paired with him up with Uchiha Itachi.
The Uchiha Itachi.
As in Uchiha-frickin'-Itachi, murderer of pretty much the entire Uchiha clan and whatever Uchiha distant blood relatives that might have bee drifting around out there. Uchiha Itachi, S-Class Missing Nin, child prodigy with a record of ANBU at 13.
Yes. That Uchiha Itachi.
Also, his brother which he hated and wished to kill.
Sasuke paused to debate whether he ought to fight with him and gain the points...or go to the other side and screw the points and just finish that bastard off.
Naruto, taking notice of Sasuke's slow descent into brooding emoness, quickly became overcome with the wish to "save" his friend.
And no, grabbing your friend around the middle and flinging him into the arena is not the way to save your friend from his descent into brooding emoness.
It was awkward, to say in the least.
It grew even more awkward when Sasuke, who was unsuccessfully landing (read as: going to faceplant into the ground), hit Itachi instead of the ground.
The two Uchihas fell to the ground with a rather loud "Oomph."
Both got up and pretended nothing happened.
"OK, THEN!" Mato shouted. "LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!"
"Let us go, Nichiya, and fight as men!" shouted Ichiya.
"Nichiya?" asked Natsu. He had managed to recover pretty darn fast, unlike Erza...who, by the way, was still in a coma. "I think I heard that somewhere..."
The bunny rabbit yanked off it's (his?) head, revealing something that looked like Ichiya's face and a cat squished together.
The figure climbed out of the rabbit suit and stood next to Ichiya.
Itachi paused, and then turned to Sasuke with a look that could have rivaled the look after seeing Exaclibur.
"Sasuke...can we please fight after those things are taken care of?"
Despite him trying, Sasuke could not feel any hatred towards Itachi. Instead he felt a sort of pity and...an urge to HUG HIM AND TELL HIM IT'S OK?!
Ok...who spiked his tea?
(After this, I'm pretty much screwing canon and making up perfumes for Ichiya.)
"We shall end this in a few blows!" cried Ichiya.
He reached into the bunny suit and began pulling out bottles of strange purple liquid.
"Go! Illusion Perfume!" he shouted as all the liquid from the bottles was hurtled towards them.
They dodged the blast well enough, but they did not expect the perfume to form a dome and trap them inside.
Ichiya grinned, sparkled, gave a thumbs-up (both Uchihas shuddered at the sight) and cried, "The dome will keep you until you breathe in the perfume!"
Itachi scowled. Trained shinobi could usually hold their breath for about 5 minutes at most if not moving, 2 minutes if moving...after that they could probably survive for another 3 by running on chakra not moving, and another minute if moving..
And he was pretty sure this dome was going to last for a lot longer than that.
He started flashing Uchiha hand signs to his brother.
Sasuke carefully watched, as the signal for "Good job" was remarkably similar to the signal for "I hate you"...which was also very similar to the phrase "Get that giant book over here and hit this strange creature!"
I. Breathe. Smoke. You. See. What. Happens.
Well, wasn't this heroic. Uchiha Itachi sacrificing the last shred of his sanity (wait, did he even have sanity left in the first place?) for his beloved little brother.
The first thing Sasuke noticed was that the dome went down once Itachi breathed in the perfume.
The second thing was that Itachi seemed completely uninterested in the battle.
"Are you by any chance...a psychiatrist?"
Ichiya frowned. "It seems as if the Illusion Perfume did not work as planned..."
Itachi shook Sasuke's shoulder. "Are you a psychiatrist? Because I really need one. Even Kisame said so. And when an insane shark-man-hybrid ("Hey!" protested Kisame) starts saying you need a psychiatrist even though said shark-man-hybrid needs one too, you REALLY NEED TO GO TO THE PSYCHIATRIST."
Sasuke just stared.
Itachi nodded. "So, are you a psychiatrist or not?"
Seeing as though it'd probably be the only way to actually fight him in the end, Sasuke sighed and said,
"Yes, I'm a certified psychiatrist."
Itachi nodded. "Oh good. Now, you see, I think I'm going insane. But then again, I wasn't exactly normal from the start. I didn't cry when I was born, and the only time I did for the first three years of my life was when I sort of went tumbling down 3 sets of stairs of the Hokage monument. And then after that I blew through the Academy in like 3 years instead of the like normal 6 or so, and my Genin Sensei and my teammates were kinda freaked out by me being a Genin at 7 and all, and then I hit Chunin at 8 and then Jounin at 10 and the only reason I wasn't Jounin at 9 was because I think mother blew some kind of fuse and father and she was all, 'You ought to be more considerate of your child' and blah blah blah, so he let me take a break for a year and..."
Sasuke just stared as his brother sat down on a rock and pretty much blared out his entire life story.
"And then the Uchiha clan were planning to do some kind of coup, which I didn't get at first since why would you need a coop for people, and then father said it was a different type and that they were gonna overthrow the Hokage, and I didn't want that. So for I while I was a double agent and sent info to the Hokage since I was an ANBU and all, and then that stupid Danzou comes and he goes, 'So I want you to kill the Uchiha because they pose a threat to our peace' and blah blah blah-bibbity-blah blah, and I'm like, 'How'd you expect me to kill the 432 clan members on my own?' and he's all, 'Well, I'm sure you can figure it out and he walks off and he says, 'Oh, you don't hafta kill Sasuke,' and I'm like, 'Yeah, about that, that's the least of my problems right now, and can I just disable them or something?' and Stupid Danzou's all, 'No, you've gotta kill them,' which was really weird since like 2 months ago he was all, 'We must retain the Uchiha bloodline!' and all that stuff, and now I've gotta kill them all, and I just realized that sort of sounded like Pokemon where they go 'Gotta catch them all!' or something like that, you know, it's been a while since I watched Pokemon, oh, and I'm getting off topic so where was I? Oh yeah, and then this guy pops out of nowhere and-"
Sasuke just stared.
One, his brother had revealed some kind of secret, and two, his brother was acting like a ranting Naruto.
By gods, what the hell was in that perfume?
"-And so this guy pops out of nowhere, and he's all, 'Hey, I'm Uchiha Madara!' and I'm all, 'Sure,' and he's like, 'No really, I have a bone to pick with the clan so I'll help you kill them!' So I have no choice, and I gotta go kill them, so I do, and then I'm a missing nin and leave and I go off and kill the lingering random Uchiha relatives in the world, and then I here about Akatsuki, and I go there, and it's pretty cool, I have a partner who's a lot better than Gai (Insert another shout of protest from Kisame here) and so it goes on, and then Naruto comes along and he talks to Leader, and he's all, 'Dude, peace isn't gonna come from this. You gotta go on an adventure with us,' and Leader goes, 'Adventure...yeah, that sounds fun, let's go!' And we all come here. So, what should I do?"
Sasuke could only go, "Well..."
Itachi nodded wisely. "I get it. You are contemplating you best course of action. I will wait."
Sasuke decided that he might try that old "effects-are-useless-if-user-is-useless" thing.
"Itachi, I have decided on your solution."
Sasuke pointed to Ichiya and Nichiya. "I believe you are overly stressed. Go and knock those two unconscious."
"Well, I'm not sure how that works, but you're the psychiatrist, and you know best, I guess."
Itachi skipped (yes, he did skip) off and beat the two up.
Kakashi scowled under his mask.
Well, that's one less S-rank secret to bother about...
"The poor man!" Naruto sobbed. "Itachi had gone through so much...no wonder he acts so stiff!"
Next to him, Toby (the one from Lamia Scale) was crying his eyes out.
"Such...a noble opponent!"
The men from Blue Pegasus were doing the same.
Ichiya and Nichiya were knocked out, but you could see tears leaking out of their eyes and lips moving.
Itachi turned to Sasuke and literally glomped him.
"Thankyouthankyouthankyou so much, Mr. Psychiatrist! It turns out I was stressed after a-"
The perfume wore off.
Itachi stepped back and dusted off his cloak.
"What happened, foolish little brother?"
Sasuke hugged him.
Completely ignoring his look of surprise, Sasuke hugged him tightly.
"You're back! The stiff, uncaring, emotionless, foolish-little-brother-saying Itachi is back! Yes!"
One word was going through Itachi's mind, although it is probably better expressed in this spelling:
"So, you are saying that the perfume made me do that?" Itachi was so surprised that he did not speak in the customary Uchihanese language Uchihas usually spoke in.
Kisame nodded. "And then you went bat-shit-insane and babbled out your entire life story to Sasuke...and probably the world. Hence this giant pile of sympathy presents."
"Ah, don't worry. Just drink it all away."
"Hey! It does work you know! And you waking up the next day in a river was not my fault!"
The glare intensified.
"Ok, maybe a little-"
Uchiha Death Glare #7, "You are lying and you know it, so tell the damn truth." came into play.
"Ok, so it was my fault."
The Death Glare disappeared and was replaced by an Uchiha Smirk.
"But you drank before! Why are you mad from this?"
Uchiha Glare #23: Don't stick your nose in where it doesn't belong came into action.
(I actually have a document with the list of all these Uchiha Death Glares.)
"Fine, fine." Kisame muttered. "Be that way."
Red Dawn and Phoenix Reborn have both earned 10 points.
This chapter is now finished. There will probably be no update until the testing is over.
On a completely random note, I want to eat a pretzel right now.