The Big Bang That Wasn't


Sauron's Not Dead Yet

"Loki has escaped his bonds on Asgard and has aligned himself with an evil known as Sauron." Thor finds himself suddenly under close scrutiny as every eye in the room focuses on him.

"Ummm…." Frodo looks a bit discombobulated (because the author tries to include that word in every story). "We kind of defeated him and he blew up."

"Left a huge hole in Mordor that Aragorn filled with water from the Anduin," Sam adds. "Now it's a water park. They use oliphants to make it a wave pool."

Glorfindel meets my gaze across the room. "Could the spirit of Sauron have survived?" I ask.

"Of course it survived!" Námo says. "He's a maia. You don't just kill or blow up maiar."

"Thanks for the heads up," I tell him.

He gives me the chin up gesture and vanishes. So helpful, the Lord of Mandos. He really should be kept captive in his own halls.

"So we didn't defeat Sauron?" Sam asks, his eyes darting towards Frodo, who is suddenly quite pale.

We all look around at each other, speechless — until Steve finally finds his tongue. "Not to sound ignorant, but who exactly is Sauron?"

"He was that big flaming eye ball on the top of a tower that needed a huge bottle of Visine. You would have missed that, being a Capcicle at the time." Of course, Stark knows.

"Wait," Clint's humor drops away in a split second. "You're telling me that was real?"

I drop my head in my hands for probably the fourth or fifth time today. "None of you are real," I reiterate. They ignore me.

The door opens and Pippin and Merry enter. "Found it!" Pippin says, holding up a blue flower with red thorns. Merry grins in that gleeful way of his, even as Elrond groans.

"Excuse me, all of you," Thor booms, "but are you aware there is a man in his underpants in your privy, who has been shot in the backside with arrows?"

"Elrond is a Master Healer," I tell Thor and gesture towards the Peredhel, who is, to my horror, straddling Erestor and eyeing the arrows. "He'll be fine," I say, unconvinced, just as Elrond rips the first arrow from Erestor's backside, evoking a strong of rather violent elvish cursing.

Thor, to my surprise, pales and takes a step away from the bathroom. "Woman, if ever I am injured," he says, "I do not require the services of your healer."

"That makes two of us," Clint adds dryly, but also looking slightly disconcerted.

"Three," Natasha adds, wincing as Elrond stands on Erestor's back and rips Clint's arrow out next. "Only SHIELD doctors can touch us. It's in our contract."

"Really?" I ask.

"It will be in about ten seconds," Tony says, typing furiously on his phone. I can only assume he's hacking into SHIELD's files.

But Steve says nothing and just stares in horror at Elrond, and I have a sudden premonition of just where this is going…

"Red Skull," he whispers. "He also survived!"

I swear Captain America had a different personality in the movies.

Meanwhile Erestor is bleeding all over my bathroom and Elrond is trying to mop it up with my favorite towel. I've told him not to do that!

I decide to take pity on Erestor, since I really do like the elf (and that backside is worth saving!), and call for Námo. "Lord of Mandos! You forgot something!" I yell into the air.

The tinkling Tinkerbell sounds come again, and this time Námo pops in with at least a towel around his waist. "You rang?" he asks drolly.

I almost think I hear Steve curse, but surely I'm mistaken. He's got his head in his hands again. I point at Erestor and raise a brow at Námo.

"He'll live." But then his face flushes and he gasps in sudden panic. "I don't want him in my halls! Messing up my paperwork, cleaning and organizing! I'll never find anything again!"

"FIX him," I grind out between clenched teeth. Really, sometimes I get so annoyed with these characters.

"He can heal the wounded?" Thor asks, looking fascinated. "That is a skill I have never mastered."

"Probably because you're the one inflicting the harm, Thunderball," Tony quips.

I glance from Tony, to Thor then back to Namo. "Erestor," I remind him. "Fix him!"

Námo's face goes blank, then the Lord of Mandos actually rolls his eyes. "I am the Lord of the Dead, NOT Aulë! I don't 'fix' people. I just store them until Eru's ready to unleash them on the world again!" He gives me the look that clearly says I should know this, and sadly, he's right, but the only other Vala who has shown up has been Vairë, and she scares the shit out of me. I scramble for something to say.

"Oh, yes," I stumble over the words. "But, um, you can actually get Aulë to come here. I don't really know him, you know, or have any ties to him…"

Námo points at Gimli, and I think, "Right, dwarf, son of Mahal… I'm an idiot."

"Yes, you are," Námo agrees.

Great, the Lord of Mandos can reading freaking minds!

"And calm minds as well as stupid ones."

I hate him.

"Feeling's mutual."

"Aulë?" I ask.

"Actually, you need Estë. She's the healer."

I knew that.

"Uh huh."

"Is anyone else missing half this conversation?" Steve whines.

"I think we all are," Clint says, and he's starting to look uncomfortable being here. I don't blame him. It's getting rather crowded.

"Be grateful," I tell him.

"I'm grateful," Glorfindel adds, and I am tempted to grab Clint's bow and make use of it, but Glorfindel grins at me and I sigh and forgive him.

"Fine. Estë the Gentle."

Námo snorts and disappears.

"He's such a scarper," Glorfindel says. I agree with him completely.

"Garn it all!" comes a shrieking high pitched voice over the clanging of bad wind chime music. "Like, I was sleeping, ya know?"

Thus enters Estë the Gentle, or should I call her Estë the California girl wannabe? She's got bleached blond hair and is wearing some kind of floral halter dress that would make Penny proud. I stop that thought immediately and mumble to myself that the last thing I need to add to this chaos is Sheldon Cooper to the mix.

"Actually, this makes sense to me," Sheldon says, and that's when I realize he's already here, seated on the left side of the futon, eyeing the windows and vents. "And this is going to be my spot."

And of course, this is when the front door opens and Bruce enters calmly. He glances around at the utter chaos of the room, then casually says, "I just thought you all might wish to know Loki is outside with an burning eyeball on a stick."

To Be Continued….