Archiving: Only with permission of the author.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Not mine at all, but I wish they were...
I'm sitting on my roof, looking at the gaping hole which my "perfect"-boyfriend caused. He left half an hour ago, picking up a drunk friend of his to take him home. So I'm sitting here alone, watching the trains. I don't have a clue where to sleep tonight, it's cold, and with that hole in the roof I'm not sure I even wanna sleep here. I'm seriously thinking about sleeping in the hospital, my next shift is only eight hours away, that's not a problem, did *that* before. I take my time pondering whether I should sleep here or not. My need for safety and warmth wins, so I walk to the train station, wanting nothing more than the familiar surroundings of the County.
I'm just walking towards the staff-entrance when someone walks into me.
"Hey, watch it!"
"Oh, Carol, I'm sorry, I… I guess I was a little distracted…"
"Well...", I say, smiling. "I can see that."
"Look, I'm sorry, but I'm late and I really gotta go, see ya!"
She turns around, hurrying to the train station. I don't know why I'm doing this, normally we don't get along *that* well, but for once, I decide to follow my instincts.
"Susan?" At the sound of my voice she turns to face me again, already metres away.
"What are you late for?"
"Hm, I just wanted to go to that party for Doug, I finally 'got rid' of little Suzi, my Dad's watching her, you know. But you know me, I forgot my purse at the County, so I came back to get it… And once I was inside, it was hard to get out again. Traffic accident... And all I wanted was to listen to Doug's speech..." And looking at her watch:
"But I guess now it's kinda late, the party started over an hour ago..."
"You know, screw the party. How about some coffee? Or tea? Just anything. My 'beloved' boyfriend beat a hole in my roof and now it's awefully cold in there. So I came here to stay the night, but to be honest, I'm way too wired at the moment. What do you think?"Sighing she walks closer again, almost smiling.
"I'm not quite sure what I to think of that, but I really could use a cup. Let's just go to our cafe."
"Really? And she was his sister?"
"Yeah, but you know I shouldn't tell you this, I already talked to one of the nurses about it, and her father overheard us... You get my drift. Mark was kinda mad afterwards, and tomorrow he'll talk to all of us about it, blah blah blah, you know. I knew I shouldn't have been talking about it in public, but it just happened, and he knows I won't do it again, so why can't he just shut the fuck up this one time?"
"Carol! I can't believe you said that!"
"Why? Said what? Shut up?"
"No, the 'fuck'-part, hehehe. I've never seen you so relaxed; I like it. I wonder what's next? You marrying your boyfriend?!"
"I'm thinking about it."
"Just joking, I like him, but... that's all, he's just…"
"…not Doug, huh?"
"No, he's not..."
"Hey, what about we take this conversation somewhere else? I'm starting to get sleepy, and I don't wanna sleep in the hospital, it's too noisy for me. Dad is at my home, looking for the little one, and I'm not sure I wanna get back there and be questioned just cause I had a few drinks..." Her smile is genuine and her laughter makes me wrinkle my nose in awe.
"...whether you wanna go home into that fridge of yours..."
"Hey! That's not funny, he just wanted to repair the roof! I can't help that he was a little *too* enthusiastic about it! ... But you know, to be perfectly honest, it does look kinda funny, with the gaping hole in the ceiling..."
We're laughing, I really like laughing with Susan, we haven't been talking much lately, or actually at all, and it feels good to laugh with her. And then I'm yawning, guess I should be thinking about going to bed; I'm tired. I don't think I'm gonna be able to drive all the way home, not even by train, I'd fall asleep right after leaving the station.
"Okay, someplace else it is, then. Where do you wanna go?"
"The flat of a friend. He gave me his keys while he's in France. I only have to take care of his plants before we go to sleep. Or else he's gonna kill me."
"Plantkiller, nice nickname." I just can't help but tease her.
"Oh, shut it. It's a really nice flat just a few blocks away, and I think there's at least two bedrooms, so no problem there."
"Haha, what makes you say that? Afraid I might pounce you in the middle of the night?" We both chuckle on the way to her car, and I can see the twinkle in her eyes. Beautiful.
"This is it? Wooooooooooow!" A *flat*? She said a *flat*? Holy crap, this isn't a flat. This is the equivalent of a medieval palace!
"You like it?"
"Bet I do! It's... I'm just speechless, I am..."
"Haha, I was hoping you'd be. Come here, this is the master bedroom. The bathroom is over there. If you want to I can give you a comfy pair of pants. I have some here, just in case."
"Just in case of what?" She punches my arm and looks at me like I'm a nutjob. But in a good way. Then she leans back against the wall and sticks out her tongue playfully.
"Oh, come on, not *that*. I just enjoy sleeping here, so I always have a change of clothes here. But... you know, believe what you will." Her playful smile... is teasing and... I feel like there's more.
"Is it okay for you to sleep on the right side? I prefer the one facing the wall."
"Sure, that's fine. I don't care where I sleep. But, you know, I could always use another room."
"Pff, come on, why would you do that? Now that we're all tucked in I don't think you *really* wanna switch to a cold bed, do you?"
"Noooooo, I just meant... Well..."
"Pssst. Just sleep. Night night..."
Though I'm almost asleep already, I can hear her breathing. It's a bit faster than normal, which is somewhat confusing, I thought she'd fall asleep fast. So now I listen to her breathing, noticing mine for the first time. Realising that I breathe equally as fast. Our breaths come faster than normal, and I'm quite sure I know why I'm doing that, but I'm not certain why she does. My breathing is ragged, my heart beats almost out of my chest and all that just because I'm lying in the same bed with her. I just can't sleep next to her like this. I'd never admit it to anyone, but I've known that I find her attractive for a long thoughts that enter my mind right now... They make me hot...
"Carol?" Oh my God, she knows...
"Carol? Are you still awake?"
"Yeah." I try to calm my beating heart and for a time I just stop breathing entirely.
"I can't sleep. Can I sleep next to you?"
"You are sleeping next to me." I don't know what she's trying to imply, but it causes goosebumps on my arms.
"I mean... okay, you're right."
"No, I just... I'll come over." So I scoot into her direction, occasionally stroking her when I'm looking for her body in the dark.
"There. Here I am. Better now?"
"Yeah, thanks." She's quiet for some time, but her breath is still not slowing down. I think it's even speeding up. So I try something else. I know I shouldn't do it, but I really want to touch her, so I hug her from behind. She instantly sighs and leans back against my body.
I'm almost asleep when she moves. Her eyes are closed when she turns around, hiding her face in my shoulder, wrapping her arms around me. I'm about to object, but her touch is so gentle and innocent. I'm quite sure she doesn't have a clue what she's doing to me. She probably just wants the warmth and comfort of my body. Her breath slows down, and I calm down, too. I get the feeling that she's really asleep, and I can't help but follow the desire to kiss her. I turn my head towards her neck, softly kissing it. Mumbling "You're so beautiful." when I move further up, nibbling at her earlobe. I don't know why I'm doing that, I didn't even want to, it... just happened. I'm ashamed, I know I'm being freakishly weird and I pull back, disgusted by myself. But her face looks so serene, so gorgeous. So I start talking.
"I could never tell you this when you're awake..."
"You already have." I almost scream at her when I hear her sleepy voice next to my ear. I pull away from her, embarrassed and flushed all over. OH... MY... GOD...! Why in Gods name did I say that!? She must think I'm nuts, or worse, or... No! I don't wanna know what she's thinking *at all*! I wish I could just disappear right now. It's so embarrassing, it's so... disgusting. She caught me kissing her. IN... HER... SLEEP! And as if that weren't bad enough, she caught me whispering love sentences into her ear. She... wait... She caught me kissing her?! She didn't push me away... so... maybe... just maybe...
"Yeah." What now? She takes my chin in her hand, forcing me to look into her eyes. They're full of... of what? Anticipation? Curiosity? Love? I just don't know. But she smiles widely, and her blonde hair is all messy, which makes her look so cute. She moves her face closer to mine, kissing my forehead.
"Kiss me again, please." My breath hitches, and I flush all over in pleasant surprise, but there's no way I wouldn't do it. So I kiss her, soft and slow, no passion, just... whatever. Shortly before I have to stop to breathe again she breaks the kiss.
"Is that all that comes to your mind right now?"
"Yeah. You're far too breathtaking to say anything else... kiss me again." If all her requests are that easy to fulfil then I'm sure I'll make all her dreams come true.
"Stop thinking, just kiss me."
And I do.