Sam clenched his teeth as Kansas' song Carry On My Wayward Son started to play on the radio. It had been about half an hour since they had left the motel where Sam had once again found himself staring down the barrel of Dean's gun. If Garth hadn't been there he would have been lying dead in that hotel room with Dean's bullet lodged in his brain. It was too bad really that Garth had been there. Sam longed for the rest described in the song blaring out the speakers.
"Why didn't you just do it?" asked Sam as the song played its chorus. Dean scowled angrily and leaned over to turn the music to a low hum.
"What?" Sam turned from the window.
"Why didn't you just shoot me when I walked through the door? Why hesitate like that?" Dean glanced at him his expression incredulous before it twisted into another sour grimace.
"You're my brother. That actually means something to some of us, Sam." Sam felt his anger spike at the callous tone in Dean's voice. He hated that tone. It was a lie like everything else Dean did these days.
"It means something to me too!" he snapped rage making his voice husky.
"Well obviously not!" roared Dean. "You left me to rot in Purgatory!"
"I thought you wanted me to!" screamed Sam before he could stop himself. He barely had time to brace himself as the Impala screeched to a stop. Sam turned his face away to look out the window and tried to ignore Dean's heavy pants.
"The hell do you mean by that, Sam?" asked Dean. Sam scrunched into a smaller target and kept his eyes on the trees outside the window.
"Can't we just go?"
"No," barked Dean. "We're not moving 'till you tell me just what you meant by that." Sam sighed, feeling every minute of his hell prolonged life weighing down on him. Why hadn't Dean just pulled the trigger? Finally he turned to face his brother.
"You were pretty low back then, Dean. Hell, we both were." Sam brushed the hair from his face. "The way you were drinking…I wasn't sure if when I went out for food if I'd be coming back to a dead body or not."
"It wasn't that bad," started Dean.
"Yes, it was!" snapped Sam cutting him off. "Even Bobby was afraid you were suicidal, Dean or at least afraid that you didn't care enough to keep yourself alive. You were spiralling and there was nothing anyone could do about it. When we burned Bobby," Sam paused and took a deep breath. "I knew that I was exhausted. I couldn't take much more. And I figured that if I felt like that then you would feel worse since you and Bobby were closer." Sam huffed a soft laugh.
"I thought that if we could just survive the leviathan then we could take a break. Not a permanent one because you would never go for that but just one long enough so that we could get our feet back under us." Sam glanced over to make sure that Dean was still listening. His expression was distant but thoughtful as he turned over what Sam had said. "When you killed Dick and he exploded taking you and Cass with him I thought that maybe you had known what it would do. Cass had been acting stranger than usual and he always liked you the best. I thought that he had told you and you had planned to die that way.
"After Crowley disappeared with Kevin I was messed up pretty badly. I made it back to the hotel and holed up for a few days trying to figure out a way to get you back. That's when I put together that theory.
"You thought that I had killed myself?" questioned Dean in disbelief. Sam shrugged.
"It made sense at the time. I had been thinking about doing that for a long time. I didn't because you still needed me." Dean leaned back and stared out the windshield for a while.
"If you were so screwed up why didn't you just gank yourself?" Sam studied his hands.
"I thought that you had known and had chosen not to tell me what you were doing. I figured that the reason you had done that was because you didn't want me with you again. I knew that you still hated me for what I had done."
"I don't hate you, Sammy," replied Dean quietly. Sam shrugged.
"I didn't think I could follow you, Dean and I thought it would be cruel to bring you back. I drove aimlessly for a long time. I left the hunt and Kevin behind because I felt like I had given enough to the world. I had cleaned up the mess I made then cleaned up Cass'. When I hit that dog it was the first time I had bothered to get a motel room. I planned to stay until it was better. It reminded me of Bones." Sam picked at the scar that marred his hand from his battle with crazy.
"I had to take a job there to pay for my room because I couldn't handle running if the police caught on to the credit card scam. That's how I met Amelia. She was as lost as I was but she was still strong enough to keep going. I needed that. So I stayed and got comfortable." Burning Heart by Survivor hummed gently in the background as the Impala was filled with the charged silence of the two men in her belly.
"So you didn't even bother to check to see if your little hunch was right?" asked Dean finally. Sam shook his head.
"To be honest I was afraid of getting confirmation that I was right. I was positive that you were dead. I didn't need to be positive that you had killed yourself. As for getting you back if I was wrong…I thought you understood." Dean studied his brother feeling cold when he finally noticed the deadness that had characterized Sam's body language since his return from Purgatory.
"Understood what exactly?"
"That when I told you I didn't want to be brought back if something happened I was serious. I figured you had had enough with it too."
"Why didn't you say all this when I first came back?" growled Dean feeling that familiar burn of anger licking up in his stomach. Sam levelled a bland gaze at his older brother.
"Why didn't you tell me about Benny?"
A/N- I just want it to be known that while I love both boys equally I agree with Sam. Dean needs to stop kicking him. There's only so much the guy can do to atone for his mistakes and as for not looking for Dean…honestly I wouldn't have either. They've shown before that they think that death is more merciful than being a hunter (ex. leaving Adam dead when the ghouls ate him.) It would be reasonable to assume that Sam left Dean dead in an attempt to spare him more pain. If you choose to review (and I hope that you will) please don't flame on account of me not siding with Dean. I love constructive criticism. Thank you for taking the time to read this. =)