Revenge of the Newspaper Man

By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.

Based loosely on: "Son of the Return of the Revenge of the 3-D Man" a DW story in Disney's Adventures, Nov 1992.

Now you know what I did to keep from cracking up stuck inside during hurricane Sandy.

Bread upon the waters dept.: I heard the people of New Orleans are donating money to Sandy victims.

It was early morning in Duckburg. Launchpad was arriving at Mr. McDuck's mansion with a routine delivery. Mr. McDuck was relaxing and reading his newspaper.

"Mr. McDee?" Launchpad asked, as he entered.

"Here, Launchpad. I'm reading the paper." Mr. McDuck replied.

Launchpad entered Mr. McDuck's living room just in time to see his newspaper "grow" a mouth and swallow Mr. McDuck. It drank him up like lemonade thur a straw.

"Slurp!" the newspaper "said".

Needless to say, Launchpad was shocked.

Launchpad screamed : "Mr. McDee! I'll get you back!"

Launchpad ran to Mr. McDuck's chair. Launchpad picked up the paper, looking for a trapdoor or some other kind of tricky trap. Hardly had Launchpad touched the paper, did it swallow him up, too.

Launchpad found himself in some alternate dimension where everything was white and black. No colors anywhere, except for him and Mr. McDuck.

"Aha! I will now get even with you, Scrooge McDuck! Your friend will witness my revenge over you, he will tell the world how I defeated you! He will live with the knowledge that he was helpless to stop me!" a strange white and black dog wearing thick glasses said.

"Do I know you?" Mr. McDuck asked, confused.

"Arggh! I'm Kent Clark (1) I owned a newspaper company you wanted to buy! You caused the accident that sent me to this horrible place, that trapped me here! I finally found a way to bring you here. I will kill you, now. Your friend I will spare so he can tell the world how I bested you." Kent reported.

"YOU started a fire to cheat your insurance company. I thought you died in the fire, but if you ended up here because of a fire YOU started, that's hardly MY fault. Just like it's not my fault that people aren't buying newspapers any more, so you needed to sell." Mr. McDuck replied.

"I will get even with you! You were pressuring me to sell my beloved paper! I didn't want to, but it was hemorrhaging money! So I started a fire to collect insurance, to save my life's work!" Kent ranted " Only some of the ink must have been explosive, it blew me clear to here! Where ever "here" is."

"Now, enough talk! Your doom is upon you." Kent raved.

"You ain't hurting Mr. McDee if I can stop you." Launchpad vowed.

"It is not me you have to stop. There are other things dwelling here, things I have trained to attack. try and stop them and you, too will perish." Kent reported.

Then, they saw black and white boxes approaching with cross words written in them. "Mad' "Angry" "Furious" "Violent" and other came and started snarling, biting, and generally attacking them.

Launchpad grabbed the "M" in "Mad" to keep it from biting him and accidentally ripped the "M" off.

Horrified by what he'd done, Launchpad tried to put it back and it turned into an ad for M+ Ms.

Seeing this, grabbed the "o" and "n" off of "violent". He moved the "o" and twisted the "n" and it turned into an ad for violets.

Launchpad karate chopped the "fur' off of furious, moved the "iou" and it turned to an ad for paying debts by selling your used fur coats.

The rest of the cross words fled in terror.

"What's going on? What happened?" Kent asked.

"Your puzzle monsters have fled!" Mr. McDuck said.

"I have more monsters. Many more." Kent stated.

And then those little white bugs that live in old paper: silverfish, booklice, whatever they are? HUGE ones started attacking our heroes. I don't know if the bugs were big "here" or if our heroes were tiny "here", it works out the same.

They attacked Launchpad mercilessly but seemed afraid of Mr. McDuck.

"Why aren't these bugs bugging YOU, boss?" Launchpad asked.

Then Mr. McDuck remembered. It was a cold day and he had just taken his winter coat out of a steamer truck where he had stored it. He was wearing it, and while an bug or two bit at Mr. McDuck's feet, they wouldn't go any higher up.

"Camphor! This is a WOOL coat, I stored it with moth balls. The bugs don't like the moth balls." Mr. McDuck replied.

"Can't say I blame them. Wasn't going to say anything, even if I have a pretty good sense of smell for a duck, (2) but you reek, boss." Launchpad replied.

"Don't knock it if it works!" Mr. McDuck answered.

And he took a mothball or two that had fell into his coat pocket, crumbled them and threw the camphor dust at the insects.

The bugs that had been biting Mr. McDuck fled posthaste.

Launchpad took the little bottle of chlorine he uses to purify water(3)when traveling where the water is suspect, wet his hands with it, and splashed the droplets at the bugs who liked it no better than camphor.

The rest of the bugs fled.

"ENOUGH! I'm getting nowhere this way! I will kill you with my own two hands. " Kent said.

And Kent grabbed Mr. McDuck, intending to do violence to him.

But since nobody was paying any attention to Launchpad, it was easy for him to sneak up on Kent and swipe his glasses.

"Give me back my glasses!" Kent screamed.

"You're BLIND! I knew you were badly nearsighted. I saw how thick your glasses are. I saw how you peer about, but you're blind!" Launchpad said, shocked.

"Yes. Without my glasses, I am legally blind. I am a purebred.(4) I was born this way." Kent said. "In this world without color, it is hard for me to see even with my glasses."

"Come on, Launchpad- we can get out of here now! " said Mr. McDuck, pointing out the "door" thur which they had entered.

Launchpad nodded, wrapped Kent's glasses in tissue paper and just before he jumped thur the "door", put the glasses gently down where Kent could find them...eventually.

Next thing Mr. McDuck and Launchpad knew, they were both back.

"Why did you give him his glasses back? He'll just be after me again!" Mr. McDuck thundered.

"I felt sorry for him!" Launchpad explained.

"Besides, he did his worse and it did him no good. I don't think HE can leave there. He said he was stuck, remember?" Launchpad said.

"True. That horrible place is worse than any prison. Perhaps he will decide to leave me alone." Mr. McDuck mused.

"I HAD to give him the chance." Launchpad said.


(1) I doubt I could get away with a joke like that if I worked for Disney. Know WHY Martha and Jonathan Kent named their adopted son Clark? Clark was Martha Kent's maiden name.

2)Most birds have a lousy sense of smell. That's how certain birds of prey like owls and eagles can hunt skunks with impunity.

3) It's not pure chlorine, or he couldn't splash a little on his fingers without burning himself. Even if his feathers protect him a bit.

4)Purebred are often blind because their ancestors were first cousins if not brother and sister.