Harry Potter: The Boy Who Didn't Care Very Much
Book One: The Something Stone
Chapter One: The Boy Who Didn't Care Very Much
Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.
Get the book out and read the rest because I'm not doing this. Read up to Chapter Two.
Chapter Two: The Vanishing Glass
Nearly ten years had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to find teh nephew on teh step.
Dudley Dursley was a fat, spoilt child. He was so fat that there was no sign at all that another boy lived in the house, too.
Yet Harry Potter was still there, asleep at the moment, but not for long. His Aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice which made the first noise of the day.
"Up! Get up! Now!'
Harry slept. His aunt rapped on the door again.
"Up!" she screeched. Harry heard her walking towards the kitchen and then the sound of the frying pan being put on the cooker. He rolled on to his back and slept.
His aunt was back outside the door.
"Are you up yet?" she demanded.
"God you're irritating," said Harry.
"I'll murder you boy! Get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday."
"What did you say?" his aunt snapped through the door.
"I didn't say nuttin bitch. I'm sleeping..."
Dudley's birthday – he didn't give a shit. Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his bed and, after pulling a spider off one of them, put them on. Harry was used to spiders, because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that was where he slept.
He yawned and went back to sleep.
He wasn't gonna get up for that fat bastard Dudley. Dudley's favourite punch-bag was Harry, but he couldn't often catch him. Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast.
Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard, but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age. He looked even smaller and skinnier than he really was because all he had to wear were old clothes of Dudley's and Dudley was about fifty million times bigger than he was. Harry had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair, bright-green eyes and a big cock. He was supposed to wear round glasses but he couldn't be bothered with that shit so often just wore contact lenses that he nicked from Specsavers. He had a very thin scar on his forehead which was shaped like a bolt of lightning. It looked cool as shit.
Uncle Vernon banged on the door and woke Harry up.
"Get up you little bastard! The bacon is burnt!" He roared from behind the door.
"Fucking sleeping!" Harry retorted.
Uncle Vernon ripped the door open, dragged Harry out of bed, and threw him down the hall.
"Comb your hair!" he barked.
"Do one you cunt." Harry retorted again.
About once a week, Uncle Vernon looked over the top of his newspaper and shouted that Harry needed a haircut. Harry didn't give a shit though coz the guy was an actual cunt.
Harry was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen with his mother. Dudley look a lot like Uncle Vernon. They were both ugly fuckers that looked like pigs. Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel – Harry often said that Dudley was a fat nobhead.
Harry put the eggs on the table and ate them all. Dudley, meanwhile, was counting his presents. His face fell.
"Thrity-six," he said, looking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year."
"Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mummy and Daddy."
"All right, thirty-seven then," said Dudley, going red in the face. Harry could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on and thought he was a spoilt fat twat.
Aunt Petunia obviously scented danger too, because she said quickly, "And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today. How's that, popkin? Two more presents. Is that all right?"
Dudley thought for a moment. It looked like hard work. Finally he said slowly, "So I'll have thirty... thirty..."
"Thirty-nine, you stupid fucker," said Harry.
Uncle Vernon punched Harry on the shoulder.
"Oh." Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed teh nearest parcel. "All right then."
Uncle Vernon chuckled.
"Little tyke wants his money's worth, just like his father. Atta boy, Dudley!" He ruffled Dudley's hair.
At that moment teh telephone rand and Aunt Petunia went to answer it while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley unwrap the racing bike, a cine-camera, a remote-control aeroplane, sixteen new computer games and a video recorder. He was ripping the paper off a gold wristwatch when Aunt Petunia came back from teh telephone, looking both angry and worried.
"Bad news, Vernon," she said. "Mrs Figg's broken her leg. She can't take him." She jerked her head in Harry's direction.
Dudley's mouth fell open in horror but Harry shrugged.
"I'm going back to bed," he said.
"We could phone Marge," Uncle Vernon suggested.
"Don't be silly, Vernon, she hates the boy."
"What about what's-her-name, your friend – Yvonne?"
"On holiday in Majorca," snapped Aunt Petunia.
"Just leave me here," Harry yawned. "I'm going back to bed anyway."
Aunt Petunia looked as though she'd just swallowed a lemon.
"And come back and find the house in ruins?" she snarled.
"That was one time," said Harry, but they weren't listening.
"I suppose we could take him to the zoo," said Aunt Petunia slowly, "... and leave him in the car..."
"That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone..."
"Look..." Harry said. "I think we all know where this shit convo is going so just take me to the fucking zoo so I can look at some fucking penguins."
Half an hour later, Harry, who's arse was itching something rotten, was sitting in the back of the Dursley's car with Piers and Dudley, on the way to the zoo to look at some penguins. His aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with him, but before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside.
"I'm warning you," he had said, putting his large purple face right up close to Harry's, "I'm warning you now, boy – any funny business, anything at all – and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas."
"You're breath reeks bruv," said Harry.
But Uncle Vernon didn't believe him. No one ever did.
While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia. He liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank and Harry were just a few of his favourite subjects. This morning, it was motorbikes.
"... roaring along maniacs, the young hoodlums," he said, as a motorbike overtook them.
"You're a boring old bastard," said Harry.
Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front. He turned around in his seat and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beetroot with a moustache, "FUCK YOU!"
Dudley and Piers sniggered.
"Keep driving," said Harry.
It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families. The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice-creams at the entrance and then, because the smiling lady in the van had asked Harry what he wanted before they could hurry him away, they bought him a Twister ice lolly – which is always good. I should've got two, Harry thought, licking it as they watched a gorilla scratching its head and looking remarkably like Dudley, except that it didn't.
Harry was really bored. The ate in teh zoo restaurant and when Dudley has a tantrum because his knickerbocker glory wasn't big enough, Uncle Vernon bought him another one and Harry threw the first one at a lion.
After lunch they went to the reptile house. It was cool and dark in here, with lit windows all along the walls. Behind the glass, all sorts of lizards and snakes were crawling and slithering over bits of woods and stone. Dudley and Piers wanted to see huge, poisonous cobras and thick, man-crushing pythons. Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place. It could have wrapped its body twice around Uncle Vernon's car and crushed it into a dustbin – but at the moment it didn't look in the mood. In fact, it was fast asleep.
Dudley stood with his nose pressed against teh glass, staring at the glistening brown coils.
"Make it move," he whined at his father. Uncle Vernon tapped on teh glass, but the snake didn't budge.
"Do it again," Dudley ordered. Uncle Vernon rapped the glass smartly with his knuckles, but the snake just snoozed on.
"This is boring," Dudley moaned. He shuffled away.
Harry moved in front of the tank and looked blankly at the snake.
The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Harry's.
Harry stared. Then he looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching. They weren't. He looked back at the snake and raised an eyebrow.
The snake jerked its head towards Uncle Vernon and Dudley, then raised its eyes to the ceiling. It gave Harry a look that said quite plainly: "Fat cunts."
"I know," Harry murmured through the glass. "Ugly fat bastards."
The snake nodded vigorously.
"Do snakes have willies?" Harry asked.
As teh snake shook its head, a deafening shout behind Harry made both of them jump. "DUDLEY! MR DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT'S DOING!"
Dudley came waddling towards them as fast as he could.
"Out of the way, you," he said, punching Harry in the ribs.
Harry sneered at him. What came next happened so fast no one saw how it happened – one second, Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass, the next, they had leapt back with howls of horror.
The glass front of the boa constrictor's tank had vanished. Teh great snake was uncoiling itself rapidly, slithering out on to the floor – people throughout the reptile house screamed and started running for the exits.
As teh snake slid swiftly past him, Harry could have sworn a low, hissing voice said, "Cheers cuz... I'm gonna eat some babies."
The keeper of the reptile house was in shock.
"But the glass," he kept saying, "where did the glass go?"
The zoo director himself made Aunt Petunia a triple vodka while he apologised over and over again. Piers and Dudley could only gibber. Harry was dead bored now and wanted to sleep.
By the time they were all back in Uncle Vernon's car, Dudley was telling them how it had nearly bitten off his leg, while Piers was swearing it had tried to squeeze him to death. Then Piers said "Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry?"
Uncle Vernon waited until Piers was safely out of the house before starting on Harry. He was so angry he could hardly speak.
He managed to say, "Go – cupboard – stay – no meals," before he collapsed into a chair and Aunt Petunia had to run and get him a large brandy.
"I don't care," Harry had replied, "I've got a pack of Oreos and a six pack of Carling in the cupboard."
Harry lay in his dark cupboard after his Oreo/Carling meal and slept quite contently.