Discworld is the property of Terry Pratchett, &c.

This is a little vignette I came up with... a couple of years ago now, at least. I noticed a couple of parallels between Disc and Globe that might have just been coincidence, so I did a little research, invented one or two facts about things not mentioned in canon, and couldn't think of a setting that was remotely plausible. I still think it might be a little contrived. I bashed this out in one go in the wee small hours, so be merciful.

Enjoy.


'...Vetinari's terrier.'

Vimes caught the tail end of the sentence as he went to pass the off-duty room. The tail end of Nobby Nobbs was just disappearing inside, and Vimes carefully planted a boot so as to catch the door a fraction ajar. Reg could have been talking about Wuffles.

'I'm not suggesting Mr Vimes' hah 'would ever do anything wrong for his Lordship. But you've got to wonder, I mean...' Reg's voice tailed off, returned for a grunt and a false start as he tried desperately to work out where that sentence had been going, and finally faded entirely.

'It's all hypothetical anyway,' Cheery chipped in, 'It's Vetinari we're talking about. Maybe it's true that any sane person would go mad trying to rule Ankh-Morpork, but he's a special kind of sane.'

'But,' Reg insisted, 'suppose he did...' The pause that followed was not merely pregnant, it was expecting triplets.

Probably a breech birth.

'...follow the same path as his predecessors.' Mother and babies all well. 'I don't think there's anyone who would... you know.'

Vimes chose this moment to lift his foot away from the door. It fell back into place with a faint clunk that echoed round the silence of the room. Then he pushed it open again, and walked casually over to a vacant armchair, a casual smile pinned to his face. He sat down1. He glanced casually around at the stiff, blank faces staring blankly, stiffly, and determinedly innocently at him.

'Oh, I wouldn't be so sure that no-one would you know,' he said. 'Old Stoneface would turn in his graves if he thought I wouldn't you know.'

There were a few moments of silence. Then several more. Finally, Reg spoke up,

'But, even when Vetinari told you to arrest him... I mean, you did of course, but he had to order you.'

'That was different. I don't think Vetinari would ever wind up like Snapcase, but if he did, the only terrier standing behind him would have four arthritic legs.'

The room stared at him. So did the Watchmen in it.

'But you always say it was only one...'

'King? A Patrician's not a king. I never said it was only one tyrant.'

There was a shocked pause. Vimes snorted, 'I mean in the old sense, of course. Despot. What did you think I meant?' Cheery opened her mouth, and Vimes hastily cut her off, 'Don't answer that. The point is, everyone calls Old Stoneface regicide, but tyrannicide would be the better word. In the old sense. Not that I like kings, but the important thing is the tyranny. In the old sense. And it wasn't just one. There was old Ahaha as well.'

Blank looks greeted this statement.

'Well, he's not as famous as Stoneface Vimes, but... no-one?' Vimes looked deflated for an instant. 'He killed a crazy Patrician a couple of hundred years ago. Of course, Ahaha was only a nickname. They say he laughed maniacally as he stabbed him. He's an ancestor on my mother's side. So between him and Old Stoneface, it seems there's always been someone in my family willing to do what was needed. And I should hope it would be so always, to tyrants.'


1 Casually.


Can you tell what it is yet?

Please do let me know what you thought, and especially, tell me if you 'get' the reference. :)