A/N: I am horribly, horribly aware that it's been ages since I've written, and this isn't really a good piece. Dashed off in half an hour while praying no one noticed what I was doing on the PC and continuously looking over my shoulder. It's a little all over the place, to be honest, but I hope you'll all forgive me because my headspace right now is pretty frazzled.
Why did I rush? Because I wanted to dedicate this story to a94monkeygirl. You are an awesome and lovely butterfly, and this story is my gift to you. And also, a belated happy birthday to the Shadow King!
Sanctions by Magician April Aries
"Come on, darling," coaxed Tamaki. "Kaoru asked all of us to be assembled by eleven. It's ten to, and you know Kaoru's word is law."
Hikaru raised an eyebrow. "Do I look like a law-abiding citizen to you?" The redhead was sitting hunched on the bleachers of the Ouran gym. He batted his lashes at his boyfriend. "You'll come for conjugal visits once they've imprisoned me for being a naughty boy, won't you?"
"I'm pretty sure Kaoru's brand of justice is enforced by the guillotine." He held out his hand and wouldn't back off until Hikaru took it and stood up. Of course, both of them knew that he was only putting up a token protest.
"I'm going to make Kaoru pay for all the therapy this is going to cost me," grumbled the younger boy.
Tamaki laughed. "I wouldn't mind shouldering the costs myself, if only so I could get you on one of those therapist couches."
"Jesus. You're a sick, sick man, milord." But mentally Hikaru was already making notes to try roleplaying that particular scenario sometime.
"I can't help it if you make a very lovely lunatic."
Hikaru kicked lightly at him as they started walking back to the club room. "Not everybody who needs therapy is a lunatic."
"I know that," Tamaki protested. "I only meant that you're a lunatic, in particular."
"Ah, questioning my sanity. Classic. You sure know how to woo a man."
At that moment, a huge raindrop splashed on his cheek, quickly followed by more as a storm unexpectedly broke out. Hikaru let out an involuntary noise of discontentment which Tamaki couldn't help laughing at. The redhead might have denied it, but the unhappy sound had most definitely been a mewl.
"Even the heavens are weeping on this day," Hikaru muttered, pushing wet clumps of his hair out of his eyes.
"The only weeping will be from me, once Kaoru murders you for being late."
"You'd make a very fetching widow, milord. And you'd be dead too-we're bothlate."
Tamaki shrugged as they continued jogging through the deluge. Pneumonia was nowhere near as daunting a prospect as Kaoru's wrath. "I was there at ten sharp, so he'd likely spare me. He knows it's really because of you."
"Hey." Tamaki looked at him searchingly. "This is really bothering you."
Hikaru stuffed his hands into his pockets. "It's just..." He blew out a breath. "Kaoru loves him."
"Kyouya does love him too," Tamaki pointed out. "It isn't as though he's only with him because he knocked Kaoru up."
"Please don't make me imagine my twin swollen with demon spawn," he said with a pained grimace. "When I think of him pregnant, my mind automatically goes to me being pregnant, okay? We're twins, so it's unavoidable." Then cut himself off abruptly. "...and you like the idea of me being pregnant." Tamaki was suspiciously silent. "I'm not going to sprout ovaries just because you want me to. In fact, you're not even allowed to fantasize about it. If someone's going to have an imaginary bun in the oven here, it's you, okay?"
"Fine," Tamaki said with a sigh. "Whatever makes you happy. Love robs us so thoroughly of our dignity."
"That would sound so much more poignant if you'd had any dignity to begin with," Hikaru replied, cheeks turning pink.
Tamaki laughed. "But it applies to you as well." Without warning, he leaned in and kissed Hikaru. The redhead let out a squawk of protest before getting with the program, melting into his touch as Tamaki's cold hands slid under his shirt. They were out in public despite the fact that they needed to keep a low profile, and even his boxer briefs were getting soaked thanks to Tamaki's fingers tugging on the waistband of his school trousers, and Kaoru really was going to kill them, because they were ridiculously late-but he couldn't really bring himself to care.
"Dignity?" inquired Tamaki, still peppering his neck with kisses.
"Overrated," Hikaru said. "Now get back here."
"I hate to interrupt this loving moment, but I'm about to beat you both in the heads with this umbrella." They pulled away guiltily to see Kaoru watching them with a half-amused, half-pissed off smirk. "Milord, I asked you to fetch him, not despoil him in the rain."
"He needed some persuading," Tamaki reasoned.
"Lots of persuading," Hikaru agreed as they followed Kaoru back to the club room, dripping and squelching all the way.
Kaoru rolled his eyes. "Lucky for you two I didn't really mean eleven. I knew that someone would mess up my plans and added in a safety margin, so we're really still on schedule. Now hop to it, before Kyouya-sempai comes in."
"I hate this day," grumbled his twin.
"Yes, yes, you've been ranting to me since last night. Every time this day comes around it's evidence that you've failed in your long-time goal to kill Kyouya-sempai. So he lives to see another year of raping and looting and pillaging."
Haruhi looked up as they came in. "He's almost here," she reported, rearranging the mountains of food and presents on the table. "Fuyumi-san said she couldn't stall him any more, and she's pretty sure he knows what we're doing anyway." The host club customers let out a whine of protest, disappointed.
Kaoru sighed. "I didn't really expect that we could hide it from him anyway. But he'll play along and won't spoil it for us-he appreciates the effort, at least."
The doors opened at that moment. "Happy birthday!" they all chorused (Hikaru had protested that a surprise party was cheesy and cliche, but naturally everyone else had overruled him. To quote Kaoru: "That's the point, Hikaru. Nobody does cheesy and cliche things for sempai.")
Hikaru was well-acquainted with the expression Kyouya was wearing: it was a fond, exasperated, 'I knew you were going to do this and aren't you a silly person, but I love you anyway' kind of face. God knew he wore it often enough around Tamaki. "Thank you," he murmured, kissing Kaoru on the cheek. Clearly he knew who had masterminded the whole affair. Still, he went around personally thanking everyone-classic Kyouya. Later the Host Club would have a smaller, more private affair; and later still, Hikaru knew quite well that it would just be Kaoru and Kyouya together.
"How many centuries is it now?" asked Hikaru later on, during one of the quiet points of the party. Everyone was already mingling and enjoying themselves, but somehow he had ended up alone with Kyouya. "It has to be at least since you were going by 'Vlad the Impaler'."
"I've lost count, really. Time is a strange thing in demon dimensions." Kyouya smirked at him. "And in classic Demon King fashion, I'm obliged to ask what tribute you have for me. Perhaps a few bottled souls?"
Hikaru took a deep breath, uncomfortably aware that people were watching them. People always were. "I actually do have something for you."
The smirk faded into scrutiny. It wasn't so much the words as the way Hikaru said them that got his attention. "Do you know, I usually find it easy to predict people. But occasionally, members of the Host Club surprise me. You and Tamaki especially."
"...maybe I got you a bomb."
Kyouya shrugged. "If you did, you wouldn't be so serious about it." Hikaru snorted. Well, Kyouya did have a point. Bombs in real life = serious business. But giving a bomb to Kyouya? Now that was just funny. "And also you would give it to me somewhere more secluded. Your assassination attempts have been careful to avoid collateral damage, after all. But now I'm curious."
Hikaru swallowed hard. It had taken him ages to struggle with this decision. "I wanted to give you... my blessing." He faltered. "Some people might say it's overdue, but I needed to be sure. Kaoru's my twin and I don't trust anyone with him... except you." He fidgeted, avoiding Kyouya's eyes. "I reserve the right to insult you every now and then, though, just because it's funny. But now you know that I don't really mean anything by it."
Kyouya still wasn't saying anything, and Hikaru was loath to look up. "And also I got you clothes, okay? So the whole 'blessing' thing isn't just an attempt to be cheap."
Finally he raised his head.
Kyouya was smiling. No, in fact 'smiling' was putting it mildly, but it was the closest word he had for it.
Hikaru's breath caught in his throat. "You can't look at me like that," he said sharply. If people had been watching before, he was sure that they were staring now. "That's manipulative and unfair."
"Look at you how, Hikaru?" murmured Kyouya. "Like you've just given me the most amazing thing in the world? Because you have. You have no idea how much this means to me."
"Yeah, well, I reserve the right to revoke my blessing any time," he snarked, turning pink. "This stays between us. We don't really need to tell Kaoru, and I would deny it to the grave if you tried to tell him. And would you please stop giving me that face? It's..."
Kyouya bent down and kissed his cheek.
Hikaru stared up at him, open-mouthed.
"Well, well. Now that was a lovely scene," Kaoru quipped from where he was standing beside Tamaki. "Milord, you want to give it a go as well?"
"I didn't get it on camera!" wailed Renge. "I demand a repeat!"
"Thank you," Kyouya said to Hikaru, ignoring the chaos he had just caused.
"OH MY GOD DEMON COOTIES," Hikaru burst out on delayed reflex, going pink to stark red.
"I assure you they're non-fatal," Kyouya said cheerfully, patting him on the back. "Now if you'll excuse me…"
"Get back here!" the redhead yelled after him as the Shadow King sauntered off to his cake. Kyouya didn't even like cake, the dastardly villain. Hikaru was certain that his dislike of sweets was proof of his evil nature.
"Did you want to give Renge that repeat she asked for?" the Shadow King replied with a soft laugh.
"No, I demand recompense for my honor!"
"Pistols at dawn tomorrow," Kyouya said flippantly before he moved out of earshot, leaving Hikaru spitting curses after him.
Kaoru sidled up to his twin. "What were you saying to sempai to make him do that?"
"Who knows what goes through a piranha's brain," muttered Hikaru. "I don't speak fish."
"Uh-huh. So, if I ever suggested a threesome—"
"Whoops, I meant to say foursome. Can't leave milord out, of course."
"YOU ARE MY BABY BROTHER. I'm not hearing this."
Kaoru snorted. "We grew up watching the same porn, Hikaru. Don't mistake me for some blushing innocent now. And now, Hikaru, I shouldn't have to warn you, but I'd slit your throat in your sleep if you ever got together with sempai—without my consent, of course." He smirked.
Hikaru clapped his hands over his ears. "Not hearing this," he said.
From across the room, Tamaki raised an eyebrow at his best friend. "That was…?"
"It's my birthday, Tamaki. You aren't allowed to kill me now," Kyouya said, neatly taking a forkful of his cake. Hunny had chosen a spice cake that even he enjoyed. "It would spoil the party. Perhaps tomorrow, if my schedule frees up."
Tamaki chuckled. "Don't rile him up too much, will you?"
"If I wanted to do that, I'd kiss you, not him," Kyouya snorted. "But then Kaoru would be upset." He smiled again, that bright-eyed, happy smile that he'd been wearing during his conversation with Hikaru. "And I'm trusted not to upset Kaoru."
Tamaki frowned, puzzled. "Everyone trusts you to do that."
"Yes, but sometimes it's lovely to hear it."
The Host King gave up. Kyouya was an enigma wrapped in a mystery dressed in a smile that made the blood of men freeze. "Fine, be cryptic. Happy birthday, Kyouya."
The next day, Kyouya opened the drawer of his private desk to find a sheaf of papers he'd never seen before. He flipped through them before he let out a snort, touching the signature at the end of the document.
A DECLARATION OF INTENT
WHEREAS, the evil Demon King commonly known as Ootori Kyouya (otherwise known by other names such as the piranha, Jafar, and so forth), is unwilling to cede the attentions of Hitachiin Kaoru,
WHEREAS, all attempts at the safeguarding of the virtue of the aforementioned Hitachiin Kaoru from the dastardly Demon King have so far been unable to yield desired results, including repeated attempts on the Demon King's life,
WHEREAS, the aforementioned Hitachiin Kaoru's brother and protector, Hitachiin Hikaru, has observed for a number of years their interactions and concluded that his pure little brother canot be corrupted even by the vile nature of the Demon King,
WHEREAS, Kyouya-sempai, you aren't really all that bad a guy even if you're too fucking perfect all the time,
THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED that Hitachiin Hikaru gives his consent to the union between Hitachiin Kaoru and the evil Demon King
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that this consent can be revoked at any time, without notice, and with the use of massive firearms should Hitachiin Hikaru deem it necessary and/or he just wants to.
A/N: And there we go. I've got some other stories up in my head waiting to come out, and hopefully I'll have ime to work on them soon. I miss writing, and I wish the fandom would come back to life. I might be transitioning to another fandom soon, though I plan on continuing with Ouran too.
Wishing you all a happy November!