A/N I was asked to write this Spemily one shot as a birthday present. I hope if you read it, you enjoy it.
Flashbacks are in italics
You look down at the ring on your left hand, and a ghost of a smile appears on your face.
Your mind wanders back to the first time you met the girl who changed your life. While absolutely cliché, it is definitely a moment that you will never forget.
It's the start of summer, but relaxing and having a good time is the furthest thing from your mind. You know that if you are going to live up to the expectations that have long ago been set for you, you'll have no choice but to spend your vacation reading and learning as much as possible.
Other people might feel overwhelmed by the challenge of being a Hastings, but you've never backed down from anything. Sure, you're only twelve, but that doesn't mean you don't know what it means to be a winner
Losing isn't an option.
Not being the top of your class in every subject isn't an option.
Being anything but the best isn't an option.
You thrive under the pressure and that's why you aren't bothered by the fact that you have a reading list to complete before your dad gets back from his most recent trip. You know without a doubt that you'll get all the books read and you'll have written all about them to prove to your father that you're up to the task he gave you.
It probably sounds like the opposite of fun for most people your age, but you love to read anything you can get your hands on. As an added bonus, you might finally get the recognition that you're always striving for. That's not a desire you share with anyone, but that doesn't stop you from craving it.
You're under your favourite tree in a part of Rosewood that not too many people visit. It's a great place for you to get away from your older sister, who you mostly can't stand, and it's quiet enough that you don't have to explain why your nose is buried in a book on such a beautiful day.
And then the pain hits you.
Quite literally, in fact.
You're not really sure why you're on the ground in agony because whatever ran over you came out of nowhere. What you do remember is reaching a critical point of To Kill a Mockingbird, then hearing a sound from just a short ways away and then finding yourself lying on your blanket with a splitting headache.
Everything happened so quickly that you barely have any time to figure out what's going on before you hear the voice of someone you don't know.
"Oh my god! Are you OK?" she asks sounding terrified and apologetic at the same time. "I can't believe I hit you!"
You are blinking furiously as the sun gets right in your eyes. You know you should move, say something, but you don't seem able to form words.
A definite first for you.
"I'm really sorry," she says earnestly and you can tell the girl is about to panic.
"I'm fine," you tell the stranger who is now standing right in front of you once you manage to sit up. "It's no big deal." Even though you're smiling, you can tell the girl doesn't seem very reassured. "Honest."
"I was just out for a run," she begins sounding out of breath. "I didn't know anyone was here, and when I turned a corner I think my foot might have hit your head or something." She looks about your age, but you're almost positive she's new to Rosewood.
"It doesn't really hurt that much," you assure the girl, even though the throbbing in your head is getting worse.
She pulls you to your feet and starts to gather up your things. "Let my dad take a look at you just to be sure," she says before she grabs your hand and starts to pull you in the opposite direction of where you live. "He's in the army and will know what to do."
You go along with her even though you still don't know her name. Saying no doesn't seem like an option you have right now. As you walk along to her house she keeps looking back at you to make sure you're OK. You're pretty sure you've never seen a pair of eyes as kind as hers.
Meeting Emily gave you a very big bump on your head and a minor concussion. But it also gave you a best friend that you didn't have before. While you were stuck in bed for a few days getting better, she was there pretty much the whole time to keep you company.
Your friendship happened almost instantly. Once Emily had stopped apologizing, of course. You bonded with her over many things and you found in her someone you didn't feel the need to compete with all the time. That's not to say you didn't have your moments. Because even though Emily wasn't as high strung as you, or a part of a family that pushed her to succeed at all costs, she still liked to win just as much as you.
When it came to swimming, her number one passion, maybe even more.
She pushed you to loosen up and have more fun.
She was always someone you could talk to.
She was probably the person you were closet to.
That is until she changed.
And then everything changed.
Your phone beeps for the fifth time in the last minute and you ignore the newest message just like all the others. You know who they are from and the last thing you have any desire to do, is speak to Emily. You've been avoiding her all day and you don't plan on stopping now.
The anger you felt when Emily first brought her to your sixteenth birthday party hasn't subsided one bit.
You can't believe that she'd do that to you.
You can't believe that she kept such a big secret from you.
You can't believe how betrayed you feel.
Everyone has secrets, but Emily is one person you trusted completely. That trust is gone now, and it's all her fault.
You'd probably cry but you're too mad for that. You're so mad, in fact, that you can't concentrate on studying for your huge math test tomorrow. All you see in your head is the moment you saw Emily kiss her date.
It's just as crushing now as it was the first time you saw it.
She ruined your night, your party and your friendship.
She made up some excuse about not knowing what to say and being nervous about coming out, but you don't really care. She is supposed to be your best friend and the biggest secret she had about herself remained hidden.
Emily somehow thought it would be best to tell you about her secret by bringing along some girl who she just met to your party.
Instead of enjoying what should have been one of the best nights of your life, you spend most of it ignoring everyone else around you and staring at Emily and that girl.
It's a miracle that you didn't cause a scene, but you knew your parents would never get over it. Hanna and Aria tried to find out what was wrong, and when Emily wasn't too busy making eyes at her date, she tried as well. They were all wasting their time. You weren't about to open up to anyone, especially Emily after being hurt so badly.
It didn't help anything when you found yourself alone with Emily's date, which was absolutely not by choice. She was as stupid as you imagined and someone who was completely wrong for your best friend.
You decide to give up studying because you can't concentrate anyway. You close your eyes, put on your iPod and try to forget all about your former friend.
That proves to be a little difficult when a few minutes later, unbeknownst to you, Emily storms into your room. She yanks the headphones out of your ears and at the same time, scares the living daylights out of you.
"What is wrong with you?" you scream at her without caring if anyone is home to hear you.
"What is wrong with me?" she screams back, angrier than you've ever seen her. "Maybe you can tell me why you've been ignoring me the last few days?"
"Get out!" you order, but she doesn't move. "Fine, if you won't go, I will."
"Like hell you will," Emily replies, blocking the door. "Come on, Spence, talk to me." Her voice goes soft and it's almost enough to make you break.
But you're not the one who ruined everything, she is.
"Move!" Your teeth are grinding together and you're pretty sure if looks had the power to kill, Emily would be in big trouble.
"No!" Emily forcibly tells you. "Not until you explain to me what your problem is."
"My problem?" You let out a laugh even though nothing about this situation is remotely funny. "I'm not the one who has a problem. I'm not the one who..."
"I can't believe it!" Emily exclaims before you have a chance to finish what you were going to say. "After everything we've been through, you're really judging me?" She shakes her head and if you aren't mistaken her eyes start to moisten. Emily tears are the worst but you refuse to give in when you know you're right. "Of all the people I worried about telling, you were never one of them. How could you..."
"How could I what?" you ask, cutting Emily off. "You think I have a problem with the fact that you brought a girl to my party?"
"Tell me, Spencer. What am I supposed to think?" Her voice cracks, but you remain firm and unwilling to give in. "The minute I showed up with Stacey you got quiet and then you didn't say two words to me the rest of the night."
That's her name. You never did find out what it was that night.
What a dumb name.
"And now you won't even talk to me or answer of any of my messages! So what exactly am I supposed to think?" Emily is back to being angry and that makes you happy, because you're really angry too.
You move right in front of Emily; you've absolutely had it. "How about thinking that maybe you should have clued your supposed best friend in to the fact that you're into girls! Maybe if you had given me a chance to react instead of just bringing her without even telling me what was going on, none of this would be happening!" Emily crosses her arms, but she does seem to be listening to what you're saying. "You're the one that sprung this on me out of nowhere; you're the one that lied to me…"
"I never lied!" Emily protests. "I just didn't know how to say anything, so I thought…"
"You thought wrong," you tell her. "Just leave me alone."
Emily tries to grab your hand but you won't let her. "Spencer, look, I don't want to fight with you, can we just talk about this?" You want to say yes, but you can't. "I'm sorry about Saturday; I would never do anything to hurt you."
"It's a little too late for that," you reply bitterly. It's a lot easier to stay mad than it is to face the real reason why Emily's secret affected you so much. "You really need to go."
Emily looks at you in disbelief. "So, that's it? After everything, you're just going to throw our friendship away?"
"Don't you dare put that on me," you say indignantly. "You're the one who made that choice."
Your heart is breaking.
Every word you're speaking is the exact opposite of what you really should be saying.
Emily is the one person you would never, ever, want to lose.
But fear is winning out at the moment and you don't feel strong enough to fight.
Everyone thinks you're strong. They think that nothing can touch you. They think you have it all together, but that's so far from the truth.
Your stomach aches just thinking about the times you've wanted to face the truth, but have been too much of coward. You let people think that you're intense, that you're focused and driven to explain how high strung and on edge you always seem to be.
That's not the case though.
"I can't believe how you're acting," Emily whispers, her face crumbling into a look of disappointment. "I can't believe what you're saying to me."
You shrug your shoulders, trying to portray an air of indifference. You can't let Emily know how your insides are being ripped to shreds.
Neither of you are speaking and the silence that's hanging in the air is louder than you can bear. You need Emily to get out before she breaks down the last barrier you have remaining. It's too much of a risk for that to happen. It could throw your world into chaos and uncertainty. And the last thing that you can handle is for the order that you've created, to be disturbed.
"Please go," you plead, the anger gone from your voice. You need all of this to be over now.
You're sure that Emily is fighting to control her emotions, but unlike you, she's not successful. Tears start to rain down her face before she turns around and walks out of your room. In the seconds that follow, pain starts to radiate from your chest all throughout your body.
If you thought you were afraid before, the idea that Emily could be walking out of your life forever is infinitely scarier than finally facing what you've kept hidden for so long.
It's getting harder for you to breathe: it's like every muscle in your body is paralyzed.
You're about to make the biggest mistake of your life and only you have the power to prevent that from happening.
Normally before acting, you like to analyze a situation and examine it from all angles before reaching a decision or conclusion. You don't have the luxury of that kind of time though.
Acting on instinct and without fully comprehending the consequences of what you're about to do, you race down the stairs of your house, catching Emily right before she opens the door.
"Wait," you say breathlessly. Your mind is still but your heart is racing. Emily ignores you but you grab her wrist gently to keep her from actually leaving. "Wait," you repeat in a whisper that feels like you're shouting.
She refuses to look at you, so you turn her around. Her eyes are red and it hurts inside because you're the reason that she's crying.
Whatever happens next you know that you can't go on lying anymore. The anger that you threw at Emily was the anger that you've felt about your deception and what you've been hiding. It never occurred to you that Emily might feel the same way as you do. It never crossed your mind that you weren't the only one struggling to come to terms with who you are.
It never crossed your mind that you might be worthy of someone as amazing as Emily.
So when she walked into your party with her date, it brought every insecurity you've ever felt right to the surface. Because if Emily did want what you want, why wasn't she choosing you?
That's what hurt and terrified you the most.
You're always striving to prove yourself, but you didn't have to do that with Emily. She just accepted and loved you.
Every part of you.
Even the parts that you wanted to change.
You can't read the expression on her face, but you know that you've wounded her even more than you accused her of doing to you.
You only hope that one day she'll forgive you, even though you know it will take you a lot longer to forgive yourself.
You decide not to use words though. They've been used enough today and for the wrong reasons.
You step incredibly close to the girl you've been in love with for as long as you can remember and finally press your lips against her incredibly soft ones.
You know you've caught Emily by complete surprise.
You, yourself are having trouble believing that you're actually doing the one thing you only dreamt about for fleeting moments.
You're pretty sure your once rapidly beating heart is now still because you're caught in that moment between knowing what Emily is going to do next and fearing the worst.
And then everything goes into overdrive when the girl of your dreams kisses you back with every bit of feeling and emotion that you could have every hoped for.
You can't help but laugh at how dramatic you were about everything back then. But that's what comes with being a teenager and also being in love with your best friend. In retrospect it all seems like it should have come easy, but before that moment, it felt like the end of the world.
The moment you kissed Emily, deep down you knew that hers where the only lips you wanted kissing yours for the rest of your life.
You're sure everyone feels that way when they first fall in love, but you knew it was different with her.
Stacey never made another appearance and Emily became yours without the need for discussions or formality.
That's not to say that Emily didn't have a lot to say to you that day after you two stopped kissing. She dragged you back upstairs to your room and demanded an explanation for why you were such an ass to her and why you kissed her.
There were tears, heartfelt apologies and promises to be more honest with each other.
And then there was more kissing.
What happened more than made up for the debacle that was your sixteenth birthday. Sure it was fairly innocent because everything was new for both of you, but it felt so incredibly right.
You two kept your newly-admitted feelings for each other quiet at first. You needed to come to terms with things and you wanted a chance to have this part of Emily just to yourself.
Eventually Emily grew impatient with you and your lack of desire to be public with your relationship. The courage you found that day when you almost lost her disappeared over time and your cowardice returned.
It was only a matter of time before everything blew up in your face.
"I'm not having this discussion with you again," Emily tells you as she keeps her eyes focused on her history notes.
You let out a frustrated sigh, "Why won't you listen to me?" Your question is met with silence and knowing how stubborn your girlfriend is, leads you to believe that won't be changing unless you can get her to see how wrong she is. "It's obvious to everyone that he likes you, not just me."
Emily slams her pen down causing a few people who are sitting at a near by table to look over. "Toby doesn't like me like that, we're just friends. Stop being jealous and get over it."
"I'm not jealous!" you insist, even though you absolutely are. "But maybe you two shouldn't spend so much time together. You're going to give him the wrong idea."
You know that trying to have this conversation with Emily over lunch, in public, isn't the best idea, but you need her to see things from your point of view.
You've seen the way Toby looks at her.
You know that look.
You look at Emily like that every time you see her.
And it makes you want to punch him in the face.
Emily shakes her head in disappointment. "You really need to stop this, Spence. I'm with you, I'm in love with you and the more you push me on this, the worse it's going to be."
"I'm not pushing," you reply in a non confrontational way. "I just…"
"Just nothing," Emily cuts in. "Maybe if you didn't make it so that nobody knows we're a couple you wouldn't be acting so irrationally." She starts to gather up her things and pack up her bag. "I'm proud to be with you and it would be nice to know you feel the same way about me."
Boy do you suck.
Once again you've hurt Emily. All because you are too scared of what other people will think.
Your family taught you the importance of image. They made sure that you understood the need to keep up appearances from a young age.
And it's hurting someone very special to you.
"I am proud to be with you," you try to assure Emily, but she doesn't stop moving or seem to believe you.
That's the truth though.
You're still in shock most days that Emily is actually with you. She's one of the most amazing people you know. She's kind, generous, always believing the best about people, compassionate and so damn smart.
Plus she puts up with all your idiosyncrasies and loves you that much more because of them.
She doesn't let you get away with stuff either. Always pushing you and challenging you in a way that other people don't. Although there's no doubt that Emily is the sweeter one out of the two of you, she has a fiery competitive streak just like you do. You love that side of her and you love that doesn't shy away from it.
Oh yeah, and she's absolutely gorgeous.
Inside and out.
For someone so smart, you really are a dumbass at times.
"Emily, stop," you gently order because the last thing you want right now is for this to blow up into a big fight. You know you've been a jerk about this and it's time to start setting things right. "I'm sorry that I've kept us a secret this long, I never wanted to hurt you."
Emily sighs, but thankfully she's not angry. "I know, but that doesn't mean I have to sit here and be accused of leading Toby on."
Once again you feel the need to prove yourself to her. To prove to that you aren't someone who's going to let her down and that she can count on you.
Go big or go home your dad always says to you.
And that's exactly what you plan on doing.
You take a deep breath in an effort to muster up the courage to do what needs to be done. You flash Emily a nervous smile and then you climb on top of the table you were sitting at.
"Spencer!" Emily exclaims. "Get down from there!"
You continue to grin at her as your confidence grows.
"What are you doing?" She asks frantically, but you don't respond.
This is too important to stop now.
You're the luckiest girl in the world because Emily Fields loves you and now everyone will know she's not a secret you're ashamed of.
You clear your throat and ignore the pleas of Emily to stop what you're about to do. "Excuse me…" you try but even though you're standing on the table in the middle of the school cafeteria nobody seems to be paying attention to you. "Hey! Everybody shut up!" That was a lot more effective because now everybody is looking in your direction. And you're pretty sure that most of them think you're crazy.
Maybe you are.
"Spencer, get down, now!" You hear Emily order through gritted teeth but you're not going to listen.
Is it possible for your heart to actually leap out of your chest?
If so, you're in big trouble.
"Most of you don't know this…" you start off lamely. A sudden rush of heat make its way up to your face, but you're not about to back down. "Whether any of you like it or not, I happen to be very much in love with Emily Fields…" You point to your mortified girlfriend who looks like she wants the ground to open up and swallow her whole.
Your entire body is tingling and there's a buzzing noise in your ear that won't go away.
"…and thankfully she happens to be in love with me too," you continue while trying to remember to breathe. Passing out would not be a good thing to do now. "And I wanted you all to know that."
The silence that greets your announcements makes the buzzing noise in your ear turn into more of a pounding sensation.
What have you done?
Eventually, after what feels like forever, you finally get your first reaction.
"What's the big deal?"
"Can I go back to eating now?"
You're sure your face is still beet red, but the lack of pitchforks or hateful words coming from your classmates is encouraging.
Yet again the fear that nearly drove a wedge between you and Emily was unjustified.
"You two really need to kiss." A voice you recognize suggests and it's enough to finally propel you off the table.
"Oh, shut up, Noel!" Hanna yells before she comes rushing over to you and Emily. You probably should have told her and Aria about the change in your relationship first, but she doesn't seem to be upset. "Oh my god I knew it!" she squeals right before giving you and Emily hugs.
You finally dare to look over at your girlfriend and while the expression on her face leads you to believe you might be in trouble, her eyes tell a different story. She clearly didn't appreciate the stunt you pulled, but you know that the burden of not having to hide from the world, is going to benefit you both in long run.
"Sorry," you mouth to her as Hanna excitedly bounces around and asks a million questions. You smile at her and try your best to appear as innocent as possible.
Emily shakes her head and rolls her eyes. "What am I going to do with you?" she mouths back, but there's a twinkle in her eyes that sends your heart racing in a whole different way than it was earlier.
"Love me," you respond with a smile and that earns you a laugh from her.
"When did this all happen? Why didn't you tell me? Does Aria know? I will be so mad if she knew before me!" Hanna continues her barrage of questions as you and Emily stay locked on each other. "Do your parents know? Have you guys, like, done it yet? I've always been kind of curious about…"
"Hanna!" You shriek out of embarrassment. "What kind of question is that?"
Emily is laughing hard and you know she's not going to step in now and save you from Hanna and her inappropriateness.
Your friend doesn't seem to think what she asked was such a big deal but she stops bothering you. You're sure that won't last long, but you don't really care.
Emily's holding your hand, in school and everyone knows she's yours.
What could be better than that?
The fact that you weren't really bothered in high school about your relationship with Emily was one less worry that you had to stress over. Sure there was the occasional piggish comment that was tossed your way, but other than that, everyone pretty much let you be.
Even though your parent's weren't that thrilled about it at first, they eventually came around, just like Emily's. Once you stopped keeping the two of you a secret, being with Emily became that much better.
But then came the reality of what leaving high school often means.
Distance and being separated.
Emily's swimming led her to a school on the west coast and your Ivy League dreams left you miles apart from her. There were tears, arguments and promises made.
Breaking up just wasn't an option, but being in a long distance relationship wasn't easy. It tested you and Emily in a way that you hadn't been tested before.
So miserable that you can't even find any motivation to work on your paper that's due in a few days.
The fact that Spencer Hastings is leaving an assignment to the last minute should be a big indication of how sad you are.
You miss Emily.
You miss her terribly and it's going to be weeks perhaps even months before you can see her again. Her swim schedule is taking her all over the country and your course load leaves you pretty much no time to take a break and go see her.
There are lots of phone calls, texts, web chats to tide you over, but it's not the same.
You want to be able to touch her, kiss her, tell her in person how much you love her and just be with her, even if you're not doing anything special.
It's unbelievably hard at times, but you know it will be worth it in the long run. Emily's worth everything, even if her absence is causing you to want to do nothing but veg out and forget about the work you have to get done.
You're thankful at least that you have a private dorm so you can wallow in self pity without having an annoying roommate to deal with.
You really need to head out and pick something up to eat. A big tall order of chocolate and ice cream sounds amazing to you. You're about to start getting ready to leave when your phone beeps.
Look under your bed – E xox
The message causes you to furrow your brow in confusion, but you've learned long ago not to question your girlfriend and to sometimes just go with the flow. That's not something that comes easy for you, but usually whatever she's done is worth it.
You get on your knees and when you look under your bed, you don't see anything at first. It's only right before you're about to get up that you notice something taped to the bottom of your mattress. You think about the last time Emily was visiting and how weird she got right before she left. She asked you to run to the store to pick up something for her, you can't even remember what, and you have to wonder if this is what she was doing while she was alone.
Once you've managed to get the object out from its' hiding place, you feel tears spring to your eyes when you see the present she's left you. On your first real date with Emily she took you to a theatre that showed old movies. The Philadelphia Story was her choice and you absolutely adored it. Ever since then it's been a favourite of yours, much like the girl who introduced it to you.
Emily must have planned to tell you about what she'd done when she knew you were having a tough time. You are so lucky to have her. A fact you try very hard not to take for granted. Even when the two of you are fighting or in a rough spot.
You're about to reply to your amazing girlfriend, when your phone beeps again.
Look in your bottom drawer – E xox
In spite of your earlier misery, you now have the biggest, goofiest grin on your face. Even thousands of miles away, Emily can have such an affect on you.
You follow her instructions and in the back of your drawer, hidden under some sweaters, is bag of Hershey Kisses. You kind of want to hug the bag of chocolate because you can't hug Emily, but you refrain from doing something so weird.
Your heart, which was hurting before because of how much you miss Emily, feels so full of love you can barely stand it. It really is the thought that counts, and what she's done for you has picked you up right when you needed it most.
For a second time, your reply back to your girlfriend is thwarted by another message from her.
Open the door – E xox
It takes you a second to react, but the movie and chocolate are quickly forgotten as your race to do exactly what she's asked you to do. You have no idea what is going on, but when you swing your dorm room open you get something else from Emily that's even better than what she already gave you.
You get her, leaning against the doorframe, looking breathtaking and sporting the sexiest of smirks.
"Miss me?" she asks coyly. The way she struts past you into your room is like something out of a movie and you just hope that you're not dreaming. You couldn't take waking up to find you're alone again.
When you regain the ability to move, you quickly close the door behind you and then you leap into your girlfriend's arms. You have so many questions to ask her but the feel of kissing her and holding her feels too good to stop.
Normally you'd have to get a full explanation and know everything before you could enjoy the moment, but when Emily starts to tug at your clothing, you're smart enough to know, that now is not the time for that.
Now it's time to show the girl you love just how much you've missed her.
Hours later, you're snuggled in bed together, your arms wrapped around Emily, her back pressed against your front, exactly how you both love it. There's music coming from your computer and you have no idea and don't really care, what time it is.
"I can't believe you're here," you tell her before kissing the shell of her ear. "l love you so much."
Emily takes your hand and kisses it, "I love you too."
The calmness of the moment is shattered when you realize that as much as you love being with Emily, there's a reason why the two of you have been apart.
You bolt up causing Emily to kind of bounce off of you. "What are you doing here?" you ask loudly. "You have a big race this weekend and you shouldn't be here and you're going to get kicked off the team and we have to go and find you a flight before you get in trouble and…"
Your hysterical rant is cut short by Emily kissing you softly. When she pulls back, she looks at you with a mix of love, amusement and a bit of pity. "If you don't learn to calm down a little, Spence, you're going to get an ulcer at a very young age." She gives your now pouting lips another quick kiss before explaining. "My meet was cancelled and, with you being the most important person in my life, I thought I'd surprise you if that's OK."
"That's OK," you mumble, feeling like a fool. "That's more than OK. You showing up at my door has to be the best surprise ever."
She cups your face with her hand, "I know how hard this is for both of us and I know how stressed you are, but soon school will be over and we'll be back in the same city again."
You stare lovingly into Emily's eyes. "I'm going to marry you one day, you know." You can't wait for that day. You're sure it's going to be the happiest day of your life.
"You better," Emily teases, but you know she's being serious.
You're kind of scared of the question you want to ask her, but you need her to give you an answer. "How long are you visiting for?"
The smile that Emily gives you is heart stopping. "Four days," she tells you looking as happy as you feel. "Plenty of time for us to catch up."
"I have a paper due on Monday," you groan.
"Well, I can watch the movie and eat your chocolate until you get it done," Emily replies before she starts to get out of bed.
"Like hell you will," you say before pull her back down to you, "I can always hand it in late." Emily is grinning and your lips soon find hers. The paper is the last thing on your when your naked body comes down on hers.
There are things more important than being the best, and Emily is at the top of that list.
Getting to your graduation day felt like one challenge after the other. You had your summers with Emily though and that helped get you through many cold winter nights.
Before you knew it however, you had your degree and even though you wanted to continue your studies, you were going to do that with Emily at your side. Looking for a place together when you got accepted to graduate school was a lot of fun.
And so was living with Emily.
That's not to say that you didn't have your moments. Being in a relationship with someone and living with them are two different things entirely. There was an adjustment period and moments where you two fought non-stop. But like most things that came your way, you figured out how to make it work.
Plus, you always enjoyed making up with Emily. Those were great times.
The next step was marriage and it was a step you couldn't wait to take.
You're on the phone with Hanna and it's two weeks before your wedding day. You're so excited you can barely stand it. But there are a lot of things left to do and your friend is driving you a bit crazy. "Yes, we've told you a hundred times that we're fine with you marrying us."
Hanna decided that she wanted to get certified online so she could marry you guys. Even though it's not really a request you'd normally entertain, Emily loved the idea. She said that it would be unconventional, just like the two of you and Hanna's reaction when you said OK was priceless.
Everything is coming together nicely and even though you're stressed out, you're so close to making Emily permanently yours that it doesn't matter.
You hang up with Hanna and you're certain that she'll be calling you about something else soon. You take a sip of your coffee and even though you're in the middle of Rosewood's busiest café, it's surprisingly quiet today.
You're entrenched in your own thoughts that you don't notice Garrett's presence until he clears his throat.
"Hey, Spencer," he says before he takes off his police cap.
"How's it going?" you ask and then you take another sip of your drink.
"I don't know how to say this…" he begins, his voice sounds strained. Without knowing why, your stomach drops. "There's been an accident…"
"What do you mean an accident?" Your head starts to spin and your body goes cold.
Garrett looks like he wishes he could be anywhere but here. "We don't know all the details yet, but Emily…"
"Oh my god!" You exclaim before he can finish what he was going to say. You cover your hands with your mouth as you try hard not too panic or overreact.
It's hard though.
Hard because the grim expression on Garrett's face and your gut tells you that this is very bad.
This can't be happening.
Not to Emily.
Not when you spoke to her a few hours ago and everything was fine.
She had a few errands to run and then you were going to meet up to go over your wedding plans.
Not when you're only days away from spending the rest of your lives together. Of getting everything you've ever wanted.
Not when both of your dreams are about to come true.
Nothing feels real.
You go numb.
Garret is still talking but he's not making any sense to you.
You can't lose her.
She's going to be OK.
She has to be OK.
The alternative is too awful to consider.
You don't know when you started, but you're already crying. Tears are soaking your cheek and your throat is closing up.
You start shaking your head as the gravity of what Garret has told you hits you. "Is she….?"
You gasp when you realize what you were going to ask.
"No," He puts his hand on your shoulder but you can't feel it. "But it doesn't look good. I'm here to take you to the hospital."
"Oh my god!" you exclaim a second time as your whole world shatters.
Emily is your world and if something happens to her you don't know what you're going to do.
The ride to the hospital passes in a blur. Your mind racing faster than you're able to take in. All you want to do is wake up in Emily's arms and have this all be some incredibly bad nightmare.
Your entire history with Emily starts to play in your mind and it only makes you sob harder. She's the best person you know and you can't fathom that she could be taken away from you.
There are so many things you want to say to her. So many things you need to say to her.
Emily changed your life in such a profound way and when you asked her to marry you, you made a vow to yourself that you'd spend the rest of your days letting her know how amazing and special she is. Even in the not so great moments, your love for her has never wavered one bit.
All it did was grow stronger each day you got to share with her.
You're trying really hard not to think the worst but you can't help it.
You're rushed through the ER.
You see Emily's mom and dad and their faces confirm what you don't want to know.
They hug you and say something but you don't really hear them.
It's like you can see everything happening around you, but you're not a part of it.
Your mom shows up a few minutes later and even though you don't have the closest relationship with her, she embraces you and tries to comfort you. It's useless you want to tell her. The only thing that will bring you any comfort is knowing that Emily is going to be alright.
Nobody has any answers for you. They keep telling you to wait. All you want to do is scream and yell at them in response.
Some time passes and you're then joined by Hanna and Aria. The two of them also try to comfort you, but it's no use. You're completely beside yourself and terrified beyond belief.
Eventually the doctor comes out to address you.
His face is stoic but his words are devastating.
Emily sustained extensive internal injuries when the car she was driving was hit by someone who ran a red light. There's nothing they can do to help her and they don't expect her to make it through the night.
You collapse on the floor in a heap of tears and hysterics. This just can't be real. How is it possible that you could lose Emily? You're inconsolable because nothing can make this better.
She shouldn't be going through this.
She shouldn't be the one lying in a hospital with hours to live.
You'd trade places with her in a heartbeat.
Save her the pain.
Save everyone the loss of not having Emily in their lives.
You're a blubbering mess until you get word from the hospital staff that Emily is in and out of consciousness. She's been asking for you and they want you to come with them so they can take you to her.
You look at Emily's parents. Surely they need and want to talk to her as well, but they nod sadly. They're giving you this chance and you will never be able to repay them for it.
You start wiping your tears away as you walk to where Emily is. You'll be strong for her because she can't see what a mess you are. She needs this from you and you cause her any more pain than she must be feeling.
When you walk into her room though, you nearly lose it again. She's hooked up to all these machines and there are bruises all over her face and arms.
You want to weep for what she's going through and weep for the looming loss you're in no way prepared for.
This is so unfair.
And there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
"She's heavily medicated so she's not in any pain," the nurse says to you but you get no comfort from her words.
Emily's body is broken and nobody can make that right.
Pulling strength from you don't know where, you sit down at Emily's bedside and put on the bravest face you can manage. "Hey, love," you whisper. Your voice sounds completely foreign and distant to you.
Emily's eyes flutter open and for a second you're not even sure she recognizes you. Her breathing is labored and ragged. "Spen…Spen…"
You kiss her forehead in an effort to soothe her. "Shhhh, you need your strength to get better, OK?" It's a lie but you can't face the truth now. Or ever for that matter.
"I know, Spencer," Emily manages to get out after a lot of effort. "I'm…so…sorry…"
You silence her apology with a soft kiss. You're already demolished heart can't let her go on. "You have nothing to apologize for, Em." You kiss her because you need to feel her lips like you need air. "I'll help you get through this."
It's the truth even if it won't make a difference.
"Don't…not now…" Emily pleads quietly. You nod your head solemnly and hold onto her hand that much tighter. "You're the best…the best thing in my life…"
You can't stop the tears from starting again, "I can't say goodbye to you, please…" She's crying too but you know why these words need to be said.
"I love you, Spencer…" It must be taking a tremendous effort on Emily's part to speak. She's doing it for you though and it's just another reason why you will never stop loving her. "….I'm so glad…" she starts coughing but she won't stop "…I'm so glad I accidentally kicked you in the head when we were kids…"
You let out a choked chuckle and in spite of the horribleness of what's going on; you manage a small smile too. "I've never been so happy to get a concussion," you tell her before kissing her again. "You're the love of my life, Emily, and if you'd do me the honor, I'd want to marry you right now."
The cruel twist of fate that is going to take Emily from you, won't take away your wedding day.
You won't let that happen.
"Hanna's here," you explain when Emily doesn't respond right away. "And I want you to be my wife more than anything."
"I wan…that too," Emily replies before closing her eyes. You start to freak out but then one of the nurses explains that she should be awake again soon.
You use this time to quickly explain to the doctor what you want. He immediately agrees to your request. You rush over to the waiting room so you can explain to everyone what needs to be done. They're all on board and there's no time to really do anything but head back to Emily together. Emily's parents offer you the use of their wedding rings and it's almost enough to make you break down but you don't.
When Emily wakes up, she sees all of her friends and family gathered around her. There isn't a dry eye amongst you when Hanna starts to speak.
You're huddled close to Emily making sure that she's as comfortable as she can be under the circumstances.
Hanna's words hang heavily in the air as the ceremony gets under way.
In sickness and in health.
In good times and in bad.
As long as you both shall live.
You can't stop staring into Emily's eyes.
You say your vows and then she says hers.
When you slip the ring onto Emily's finger, even though it's not the ring you two shopped for, you feel more connected to her than you ever have.
It doesn't matter if Emily has hours or years or decades left to live.
Whatever time you have left together, you are now bound to her and committed to her in an unbreakable way.
When you seal that commitment with a kiss, it's so incredibly powerful.
Emily Fields is your wife.
Just like you always wanted
Everyone has some parting words to say to Emily before the two of you are left alone. You can tell by the nurse's expression that there's not much time left.
"Thank you for loving me," you say to your wife. "You're the best present I've ever been lucky enough to receive."
Emily can't stop crying, "I'm the…lucky one…Spence" she can hardly talk now. "I…will…love you…always…"
Her eyes close, but this time you know they won't open back up.
You put your head on Emily's chest as you prepare for the inevitable. When Emily's heart stops beating you know it's over and the crying has only just begun.
It's been a year since you lost Emily.
The last twelve months have been unbelievably hard to get through. There have been countless moments where you've wanted to give up and let the emptiness swallow you whole.
You still don't really know how you're every going to get by without her in your life.
But you know that's what Emily would want.
All she ever wanted was to see you happy.
You don't know how that's possible but you're going to try.
You're going to do that because you don't want to let her down.
And because you know one day, you'll be with Emily again and you'll get the forever with her that you were always meant to have.