Summary: The only half-blood on the Muggle-born Registration Commission decides to have a bit of fun, Monty Python and the Holy Grail style. Crack!fic. :: "So, logically… If she weighs the same as a duck…"

This is not in any way, shape, or form, meant to be taken seriously. Have a laugh. I'm cringing away from the pointlessness, honestly.

If you haven't seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, go paste this after youtube's URL and watch it: watch?v=yp_l5ntikaU. Then read on. :D

Written for HedwigBlack's Weekly Challenge: Monty Python week.


"There's got to be a better way."

"These interviews are near useless. They only have to find someone willing to lie for proof of ancestry."

"Well, witches float," I put in absently, thinking of a film I'd seen with my dad, ages ago. I was really only half paying attention to their conversation, and I was, quite honestly, bored out of my mind.


I shrugged at the question. "Yeah. I mean, it's something to do with magic, and buoyancy. And wood. Something about wood. I don't remember exactly, but witches float and Muggles sink."

"Muggles sink?"

The collective intellect of this Commission had a tendency to make me despair for the human race. They seemed capable only of parroting what I said. "Yes, Muggles sink. They're dense."

"So you're suggesting we stick the so-called 'muggle-borns' in water and see if they float?"

I was remembering more from that film as the conversation went on, and I wondered if I could truly talk them into the ridiculous idea. On the plus side, I definitely wasn't bored any longer. This could get fun.

"Well, that seems a bit impractical to me."

There were general nods of consensus. "Yeah, yeah, impractical," they parroted.

"But what else can we do?" one of the cleverer ones asked.

"Well, what else floats in water?"



"Very small rocks!"



"Churches — churches!" Everyone turned to look at the spectacular specimen of human intellect who uttered that one. I raised an eyebrow.

Sighing, I knew I was going to have to help them along.

"A duck."


I couldn't help the smile that flickered across my face. "Yes, a duck. So, logically… If she weighs the same as a duck…"

"She's a witch!"

"A witch!"

That was too easy. Too easy. They weren't honestly that susceptible to mob mentality, were they?

Apparently they were, because at that moment, they set about trying to find a spell to transfigure something into a duck.

What monster have I created?

Well, I knew one thing for sure.

I'd never be bored at a Commission meeting again.