Nerdy Pickup Lines
Summary: Soul knows pickup lines are seriously uncool, but so is doing homework in the library on a Saturday.
Disclaimer: I don't own Soul Eater, Soul, Maka, etc., and I don't make any money from writing this.
No matter how hard he stared, Maka would not look up at him. Soul has learned after three successive Maka chops that any type of auditory contact is banned. Apparently his "immature, annoying whining like a two-year old" in the "sanctum of heroes and saints past" is cause enough for bodily harm, threats of torture, and lectures fit for Asura's spawn.
Eventually, he slumped back in his chair with a sigh and tried to think of another way to get out of this hell. Reading and completing his assignments was, of course, out of the question.
Well…Black Star had once told him he got out of work with Tsubaki by—yes, yes that might work.
"Maka." Soul tried to drawl out her name in a sexy baritone, even giving her a half-lidded stare.
Maka looked up, finally, and glared. "What, Soul?" she ground out.
"Has anyone ever told you how hot you look, uh, reading like that?"
He was not going to think about how uncool that just sounded. Only because staying in the library for the rest of his Saturday was so much more uncool.
Maka slammed the book into his head so hard that Soul immediately blacked out from the pain. When he awoke in a puddle of his blood an hour later, he hissed, "What the hell was that for?"
"For trying to tease me again. You know it's really quite childish of you."
He knew better than to argue when she had that prim, matter-of-fact tone. He rubbed his sore head, about to slump over the desk again before realizing he should probably clean up the half-congealed mess. At least it was something to do. But really, was she so dense she didn't even realize when she was being flirted with?
"And then, BAM! MAKA CHOP!" Soul reenacted with wide, exaggerated movements.
"BAHAHAHAHA! That never would have happened to the great BLACK STAR!"
Soul clasped his cold soda loosely between his knees. "Seriously, I don't think she even knows the meaning of the word 'flirt'."
"Bah, there are much better hotties to flirt with anyway. Not that Maka isn't great and all, but," here Black Star gestured obscenely to his chest, pantomiming huge boobs. "She's kind of lacking."
Soul grunted noncommittally and slurped on his drink. He wouldn't say as much, even to his best friend, but he thought Maka really was pretty great. And what she didn't have in the chest, that ass…
A resounding slap on the back broke him out of his reverie. "C'mon, we're just wasting away the day! Are we gonna shoot some hoops or what?!"
Soul sank his head into his arms during class, but sleep wouldn't come. He could feel Maka's radiating disapproval, but he was immune to it.
What should he do?
He didn't want to do all that romantic, girly crap—dates, carrying her books (not that Maka would probably even let him do that, something about gender roles), and gushy mushy feelings. Just thinking about how to "confess" made him nauseous. Girls put way too much stock in all that stuff.
They already knew everything about each other. Their bond was as deep as you could ask for, and as strong. They'd been through so much already, and he had the scars to prove it—why couldn't they just do it?
Soul made a face into the fabric of his jacket where no one could see. They didn't need all that other stuff, he just wanted to, you know, introduce Maka to what she was missing out on. For her sake.
He stole a glance at her as she answered a question, happiness beaming out of every pore. As he took in that especially bright shine in her eyes and the soft upward curve of her lips as she tried to suppress a smile—and failed—at showing off her knowledge, he realized he just needed to speak her language. Then she would come around.
The next time Maka forced him to sit in the library—"for his own good", ugh—he didn't put up too much of a fight. He had a plan, after all, and had come armed with a list he had cobbled together from the dark recesses of geekdom.
After she had settled in a bit and started scribbling whatever onto her paper, Soul nudged her foot, stopping his own pretend scrawl.
She didn't even look up. "Mm?"
"Maka," he insisted.
Exasperated, she blew the hair out of her eyes and glanced up. "What, Soul?"
Giving her his best sultry eyes, he whispered, "What's your sine?"
Soul didn't bother hiding his deep groan.
Was the girl oblivious or what?
"You didn't get that, huh? Here, like this—"
Maka was apparently so thrilled he was attempting his work that she wasn't stingy about offering him tips (and, unwittingly, answers).
"What's her sign? BAHAHAHAH," Black Star bellowed loud enough for even the gods to hear. "That is so LAME!"
Soul sighed into his hands. He knew how uncool it had been. But it had seemed so simple.
"Who still tries to pick up girls by asking them about their SIGN?"
Black Star degenerated into more chuckles, and Soul began to regret his decision to share his latest woes. Best friend or not, Black Star wasn't the most sensitive of souls. Well, at least he had made it sound as if it was just another attempt to get out of weekend homework, so maybe he would still have some dignity after this.
"I thought she might like that nerdy humor," Soul tried to explain once more.
"WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?! Ahahaha!"
"You know how excited she gets about all that math…stuff!"
Clearly, Black Star failed to see it, just as Maka had.
"I equal the empty set when you're not around."
This time, he delivered it in the hallway, leaning against a wall as they waited for some of the others from the group to arrive. It wasn't romantic, but that was part of the plan.
Maka blinked blankly. "Equals, not equal," she automatically corrected.
Her mouth twisted quizzically as she tried to puzzle out his odd statement. It wasn't cute, seriously, it wasn't, Soul told himself.
"How did you get the identity set to equal the empty set? Did you just start crossing things out again, Soul?"
Panting and dripping with sweat, Soul thought she may have never looked sexier. There was something about defeating kishin that made her sex appeal blow through the roof for him. Maybe it was her voice, her strength, or the way the battles got his blood pumping—or just knowing that sexy little skirt was fluttering around, even if he didn't get to directly observe it. But whatever it was, it made him want to crush her face in his hands and suck on her lips until they turned blue.
His devil-may-care smile had sent other girls to their knees, so he didn't hesitate to try it on her.
"You know Maka, I can take you to the limit as x approaches infinity."
Maka stared at him, dumbfounded for a moment, before doubling over in peals of laughter. Soul's sex drive quickly shriveled in humiliation.
"Ahahaha," she giggled while wiping the tears from her eyes. "I haven't heard anything that funny in a long time."
She reached over and squeezed him affectionately before letting go. "I couldn't ask for a better partner Soul." She tossed him another wide grin. "Sometimes I really feel that, together, we could do anything."
Soul wanted to facepalm. She thought he was talking about their partnership, in some weird, they pushed each other to their limit kind of way. But as he soaked up the rays from her genuine smile and felt the earnest tone in her voice echo in his chest and loosen something inside of him, he couldn't stay disappointed for long.
Line after line after line it went, and Soul got no closer. Her continued obliviousness, thinking he referred to their math homework or had simply been hit in the head one too many times, caused his grades to soar with all the help she ended up giving him.
He knew the key to her panties was somewhere in this academic wordplay, but he couldn't seem to find it. As he wore through the repertoire he had gleaned from geeks and nerds throughout the school grew thin, he began to study and apply himself in earnest searching for the perfect balance of wit, raunchiness, and formal language to make her realize that they should go at it like bunnies.
Alas, his more obscure references only earned him puzzled looks and a deflated ego.
Finally, one night as they struggled with complicated theory for hours at their kitchen table, it struck Soul as suddenly as lightning.
Shoving back his chair and standing, Maka looked up with pursed lips and a worried stare. Maybe the mathematics had finally fried Soul's brain. She always knew he had it in him, but he wasn't accustomed to exercising his noggin this much.
"I WISH I WERE A PROBLEM SET, BECAUSE THEN I'D BE REALLY HARD, AND YOU'D BE DOING ME ON THE TABLE!"
There, now there was no mistaking his intentions. And if it was a little less wit and a little more raunchy, well, Maka was clueless. All of his cleverness was going over her head.
Maka simply stared, at a total loss for words. Soul…Did Soul?
Soul sucked in a deep breath, because really he was at his wits' end. "I said, 'I wish I were a problem set, because then I'd be—'"
The color bloomed in Maka's cheeks all at once, and she whacked him across the cranium with their textbook. Fuming, cheeks robustly shaded crimson, she yelled, "I heard you the first time!"
Soul sat, slumping and holding his abused head. It had all been for naught.
And now she would probably kill him.
Maka walked around the table and Soul cringed and squeezed his eyes shut reflexively, fearing more retribution.
But he didn't miss the soft brush of her lips against his temple or her slight giggle as she dashed away.
Soul looked up in time to catch her pausing at the doorway and the shy, mischievous smile she flashed him.
She giggled again—and coupled with the reddening tips of her eyes it was just too cute—and her smile only grew as they locked eyes. She darted around the corner, out of sight, but Soul couldn't find it in him to wipe the goofy grin off his face.
Well, things were looking up after all.
Author's Note: I haven't posted anything in forever—seriously, the amount of time since I last wrote something depresses me—and then randomly this past week I've started 3+ fics for another fandom and it made me feel guilty. So I'm posting this because I wrote it a couple months ago on a whim and just never got around to posting it. Also, it is 3 a.m., so this fic has only gotten two cursory lookovers—but the guilt wouldn't wait any longer to be assuaged. Thanks to my lovely beta Al who was kind enough to give it a quick read (and laugh at it). Please forgive the rampant use of commas, dashes, and parentheses.