Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!
Episode:- S02EP01 (A Delicate Touch)
Achieve:- . /group/new_tricksff/
Summary:- As Sandra's world shatters around her can Robert be there to pick up the pieces and put her back together again?
Author's Note:- Lyrics for this song fic are from "Cry Ophelia" by Adam Cohen I absolutely love this song and used the lyrics many years ago in a West Wing FF and have been sitting on them waiting to use them again since! Enjoy and reviews would be lovely I that's your thing
Something went wrong
You're not laughing
It's not so easy now
To get you to smile.
Standing at my office window I watch as she storms angrily toward her car and my heart breaks. With the smallest of smiles, the slightest of lingering looks she can make my world complete but when she's in pain I feel it shatter the world around me, the desire to hold her, to make it all go away intolerable.
You gotta be strong
To walk these streets and keep from falling
But when you're not just let yourself cry
Pedestals are dangerous things and putting someone on one who is no longer around to defend themselves should that pedestal wobble is even more disastrous. I know she's realizing that now as I leave the building seeing her sit in her car tears rolling down her cheeks. She needs to go home, to cry this out, to scream and yell and say what she needs to say and I need to be there for her while she does whether she wants me to or not.
You've been working hard
Just tryin to pay the rent
Tryin to draw the line between who you are
And who you invent
"Out" I say quietly as I open the car door and she looks at me eyes flaming with anger I know isn't directed at me. "Don't fight me on this Sandra just get out and let me drive you home then you can shout, yell, cry as much as you want in the privacy of your own living room."
She sighs and I know she's still considering being a pain about this. She has built up such a front over the years that she finds it almost impossible to let it drop even for a second, even with me, but now as always since she granted me access to her life I won't allow her to shut down. To the rest of the world she's DSI Sandra Pullman born into the force and bred to be the consummate professional. To me though she is the woman I love, no barriers, no hiding, no being who we aren't whether we like it or not.
But if you throw a stone
Something's gonna shatter somewhere
We're all so fragile
We're all so scared
"I've told the guys you aren't feeling well and have gone home they're going to get started and I'm taking you home and we're going to spend as long as it takes dealing with this." I say quietly squeezing her hand as I pull out of her parking space and head in the direction of her home.
"I don't think I want to deal with it, I'm not even sure what I'm dealing with yet." She mutters and I know she's still trying to compute what's been uncovered. She's built her life, her career around an image of her father that now decades after his death is coming down around her. A life built on a misconception is never going to be secure, one word out of place, one sceptical look, one whispered comment and it's shattered, shards of a dream, an illusion, falling on your head as you try not to be left too bloodied by the injuries they cause.
Say you wanna learn
How to live your life without tears
But we've been tryin to do that
For thousands of years
"I don't know what to think or what to do." She whispers when we're safely inside her home and I pull her into my arms kissing her gently as tears come again. "I mean what do I do next Robert? Do I call my mother? Does she know he had a child with another woman and if she doesn't do I have any right to shatter her world too? I hate this, I hate that even now he can make me fall apart, I'm a grown woman for fuck sake I should be able to deal with things involving him without turning into a weeping mess."
"Right now you don't have to do anything until you've dealt with this yourself." I whisper as I guide her toward the sofa before going in search of the bottle of wine I know we put in the fridge the night before and pouring us both a glass.
"When will anything to do with him stop hurting?" She mutters taking a gulp of her wine and my heart breaks because I know it never will. No one can turn off how they feel where someone so important is concerned millennia of experience has shown man that but I don't say it right now it's not what she needs to hear.
Now me I thank god for my bad memory
I've forgotten some of the stupid things that I've done
I've come to a little wisdom through a whole lot of failure
Now I watch more carefully what rolls off my tongue
"It was a different world back then Sandra." I sigh knowing that it doesn't help. Things have changed so much even since she and I started in the force and we've all done things we aren't proud of but it made us who we are. "Police officers lived by different rules back then than we do now both personally and professionally. I'm not excusing what he did whatever that turns out to be I'm just saying it was the 60's and 70's the old saying "the past is another country they do things differently there" really is true. You were a child you have no way of knowing what your mother knew or what…"
"So that makes it ok does it?" she shouts, on her feet and pacing back and forward her arms flailing as she tries to make her point "just because it was 30 or 40 years ago it doesn't matter that he obviously cheated on my mother, got some other woman pregnant and…."
I catch her in my arms as she crumples again and guide her back to the sofa as she sobs quietly against my chest and I stroke her back letting her get out all the frustration that is building inside her.
You pray for rain
But you don't want it from a storm
Find a rose
Prick your finger on a horn
"I always wanted to know more about him, I feel like I've spent my whole life gathering scraps of information and now I'm faced with this? God talk about be careful what you wish for!" She stares at me and for a second I can see her mind turn over I can feel her desire to run and hide, to make this all go away as her lips collide with mine.
"Sandra honey do you really think….." I start to say as she pushes me back against the sofa and I know she wants me to help her forget, to help her hide for however short a time and might be and to make it all go away.
"I don't want to think." She murmurs "I want you to make me forget how to think about anything other than how you make me feel. I want you to remind me that you love me, please Robert…."
The pleading edge to her voice and how her eyes fuse with mine the pain in them taking my breath away is my undoing, right now I would do anything to take that hurt away as I rise off the sofa and taking her hand lead her upstairs.
So go on and cry Ophelia
It's the only thing to do sometimes
Know I'm crying too
Right there with you
It's alright Ophelia
"Thank you." She whispers against my lips as we lie in each other's arms later.
"You don't need to thank me for making love to you Sandra." I smile as her eyes twinkle for a second with familiar mischief before it is stolen from me again by sadness. "I love you and you know I would show you that every second of every day if that was what it took to make you feel better."
"I know but some people would think it was an unusual way to deal with finding out your father was… well was…" She starts to try to explain and suddenly tears are overtaking her again and this time I pull her close as her head rests on my shoulder and I let her cry it out.
"Since when have we cared what people might find unusual?" I sigh as she cries "Just let it out honey, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere when you're ready we'll deal with this we'll decide where to go forward from here but for now it's ok to cry."
Listening as her sobs become quieter and eventually her breathing evens out and I know she's asleep I sigh. I know there's worse than this to come. I know things about her father or have at least heard rumours about him that will make todays revelations seem tame. For now though I'll be here while she deals with this and if and when she finds out the rest I'll be there for her then too to wipe away her tears and remind her that it's always ok to cry no matter how much you hate it when you do.