I had no choice but to hold onto the past and wonder what could have been. He broke up with me so suddenly this morning, just saying that he wanted to break up with me and that sealed the deal. I could keep it together for the five minutes left of class, and then I went in the library and cried for the rest of lunch. I never really cried, I never even held onto the past that much. But this was too devastating to forget.
I went home and went in my room, clutched my stuffed lion, and wondered why I had trusted him in the first place. Boys were too complicated, and I knew that even in my heart of hearts. All they wanted to do was take advantage of me and leave me in the dust while they found some better version of me out there somewhere. That newer version would make them feel happier, make them grow more and prosper. And on their wedding day, I would be totally forgotten by then and inevitably turned away. That was boy logic. As much as it didn't make sense, I had no choice but to deal with it and accept the fact I was yesterday's news.
But I couldn't accept it. I still loved him. He was the first person I ever felt I really loved, the only person that could keep me from sinking to the bottom of the social norm pool. He was the only reason I did not become depressed again, he helped me find the courage to stand up for myself and rebel against what was holding me back and preventing me from being successful and happy. And he even helped me forget about the stupid bullies who made it a point to ruin my life and gossip about whatever lie they would make up about me next. He was my lifeline, in a way.
Because of him, I finally felt better about myself. I knew somebody cared about me, thought about me, and wanted to be with me every chance they got. There was something meaningful we had, something that made my day. I lived my life for him, being positive and never daring to do anything bad. I never even thought of cheating on him, hurting him, anything. He treated me well, and I reciprocated the favor and treated him like he should be treated- like he was the most important guy in my life. Because he really was the most important guy in my life. And I'm sure he knew it.
Why could he break it off as easy as that? I figured I should not have let him say something like that and in retrospect, I probably should have determined the reason why he was breaking up with me. I had pretty much ruled out cheating or assault, and everything was going perfectly until he pulled me aside and left me in the darkness as he went into the light. He was growing up too fast.
More tears were coming and there was no way they were going to stop coming. The salty residue seemed to have a permanent presence on my cheeks and my eyes were beginning to get bloodshot. I looked like a zombie when I looked in the mirror, ugly even. Maybe this is what he saw when he looked into my eyes, something hideous. I knew there were prettier girls in the school and I bet he knew it too. So he decided to go find a pretty girl of his own who will break his heart come next week. And he will just come crawling back to me.
What if he does come crawling back to me though? I don't know if I will take him back or not. Although he was a great guy and all, there came times when I was ashamed to be around him and felt slightly embarrassed, like when he was with some of his friends. He would turn into this huge idiot who was stereotypical and such, and I would be forced to smile and question why I liked him and what I saw in him to begin with. He was truly a sweet guy on his own, but put him in a crowd and he acted like he had just had energy drinks fed into him via an IV. He'd sometimes come over and hug me or hold my hand in front of his friends, but I knew he was just trying to make them jealous over the fact that none of them had girlfriends and he had one. Sometimes I would be trying to get his attention when I really needed him most and then he would ignore me. I'd sit there on the verge of tears, and wonder what I had done for him not wanting to be around me or even acknowledge my appearance.
I had had it with guys. I wasn't going to be a lesbian, but it was hard to imagine being with another heartbreaker that would leave me in a few months. All guys were really just looking to show off a woman like they were an inanimate object really. It was almost sickening as I seemed to mull it over, how guys acted around girls. I was through with those guys. Through with them. Nothing would change my mind about this.
Then, I heard somebody knocking at the door. Nobody else was home, and I made the terrible realization that I would have to go downstairs looking like this. By now, my entire face was red and even my hair felt sticky from the sweat I had been working up while I was crying. I went downstairs and tried to sound as quiet as possible, without working up a stir and the mysterious visitor going away.
Then, I looked in the window. And he looked back at me. I opened the door and saw him on the steps.
"I take it all back." He said, heartbroken.
I couldn't resist.
He took me in his arms, and I felt happier again. How could I have even thought about losing him?
"I take it all back too."