Disclaimer: The author does not own any of the characters from the Twilight novels and movies, nor any of the other characters in this story, most of which will be barely recognizable here. He does, however, own the fuck out of this plot.

This is the first fanfiction I ever wrote. It's completely stupid crackfic. Enjoy.


I come to and immediately crank the wheel to the right, narrowly avoiding a downed tree blocking the road. I slam on the brakes and skid into a curb.

"What. The. Fuck."

I have no idea where I am or how I got here.

There's a shirtless dude over in the woods, just watching me. He looks pissed, like I'm the one who killed the tree. Squat, muscular, deeply tanned skin. He sports a mane of long hair that has to be a wig.

Swear to god the little motherfucker bares his teeth at me. Runs off, branches thwacking him in the face as he scoots through the woods.

I get out of the car, a tiny little Volvo that I have never seen before in my life. I drive an old Chevy pickup I found on Craigslist. Got a good deal on it. Wish I had it now. There's no way this little egg of a car is going to help me move that tree. I doubt whoever owns it keeps a towchain in the back, anyway

I try lifting the tree, but it won't budge.

"Need a little help?"

I turn to find the biggest dude I've ever seen standing by the Volvo. He looks like a football player, all muscles and sinew. He must be six feet, five inches tall and probably weighs 250 or more. He comes closer, smiling. I see he has golden eyes and pale white
skin, so smooth it looks like glistening marble.

He looks a little like my friend Kellan, but no. That's impossible.

"Uh, yeah," I say. "I have no idea what happened."

He gets right up on me, which is fucking weird. He's got this big smile on his face, like he's in on a joke I don't know about.

"What?" I say.

"What do you mean what? You're acting awfully fucking weird today. Talking with that goofy English accent, acting like you can't get that tree out of the way by yourself. What is up with you?"

He smacks me on the shoulder and I nearly collapse from his strength.

"Wait until I tell Rosie about this," he says as he bends over and grabs the tree. He hefts it like it's made of Styrofoam, which for a minute I think it must be. It is physically impossible, what I'm watching this monster do.

"How'd you do that?"

He's laughing. Wipes his hands on his pants.

"Where've you been?" he says. "Everyone's been worried about you. You just up and disappear like that? Man, that's some irresponsible shit."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't even know where I am or how I got here."

"You serious?" he says. "Oh, man. I've heard of this shit before, ambrosia or whatever you call it. We've got to get you to Carlisle. He'll know what to do."

He reaches for me, but I pull away.

"I'm not going anywhere with you," I say.

"Have it your way, man. But be careful out there. This is one fucked up town, Edward."

He darts off into the woods, following the same trail the shirtless guy had earlier.

I call after him. "My name's not Edward! It's Rob. Robert Pattinson."