Music: Bad Sweets (VOCALOID [version TEN])

Unbeta'd (completely, utterly raw). May edit later, but feel free to comment on any errors of any sort.

Birthday gift [Part I] for rein-arius, potabro, overlord incarnate, and Captain GonKilu. This is probably going to be belated by the time you read this, but happy birthday, Butter 3 You've been such a source of inspiration and motivation for me, and I don't know where I would have veered off to without your constructive criticism and WEEPS I'm so glad to have gotten to know you and I DON'T THINK SAYING "THANKS FOR EXISTING" WOULD BE VERY NICE TO WRAP IT ALL OUT SO


[very short and lame paragraph for the moment forgive me]

WARNING: Character Lampooning, Sarcasm, Gon X Killua (if you somewhat squint). Don't like, don't read.

Disclaimer: NOPE, NOT AT ALL.

Boy smiles.

Assume that he has been smiling since day one, because he is born into the most pretentious, stuck up Assassin family that has ever existed, a la Zoldyck en la Kukuroo. He is smiling even when he feels pain from repeated "instructions" – torture – even when his grandfather goes tiger granddaddy on him, even when his brother decides to borrow him and let him join him in the frequent fiery fury of assassinations. Bloody and gruesome assassinations.

But he still smiles, and wipes away the crimson blood that inevitably splashes on his cheek with a chubby hand.

Boy then goes on his first killing spree.

The bodies left behind are a silent reprimand of the existence of child prodigies and future psychopaths.

Give the Boy a few years to mature and become more of a rebel than ever. Boy grows tired of the pleasures of killing and being the Zoldyck Family's hunting dog. Boy is made to heel.

Boy disobeys like the rebel that he is, kicking up a tantrum with the ease of smashing a fly.

Boy then gets slightly misused and abused by his family, most particularly his brother, the pseudo-acupuncturist pedophile.

Boy deals with his angst. Boy does so by almost succeeding in parricide – namely the robot-esque spindly mother and his disappointingly diabetic brother. Boy then takes diplomatic immunity with the Hunters and the Hunter Exams, fully knowing that he just started the ball of shit rolling down the hill of adventure.

Boy meets Boy.

Boy makes his first flirting attempt with his exquisite skateboarding skills and suave attitude.

Surprisingly, it does not work like he assumes it would, given his oldest brother's playboy tendencies and Boy's own natural ability to pick up things. Theoretical, paradoxical concepts included.

Other Boy continues to smile innocently. Apparently his naïve personality acts as a panacea barrier towards anything and anything from other people, making him incredibly dense – dense, yes, yet uniquely strong.

Boy grits his teeth.

And then Boy has a touching reunion with his Older Brother.

Fighting ensues, a very model of what a family drama should actually entail, and Boy's fury is translated into a dramatic ripping a heart from a poor forgotten contestant.

That, of course, disqualifies him, and Boy feels his very first pang of remorse. A slight, very minor hint of disappointment, about the size of a quark.

Maybe even smaller.

But it's still there, and Boy has to bite down the urge to beat the shit out of Older Brother.

Boy develops and matures at alarming speeds, and eventually makes another gamely attempt to woo the Other Boy with sparkly, dangerous flashes of Lightning and overwhelmingly diabolical cunning, but of course – of course – Other Boy is too dense. Maybe Other Boy suffered a lobotomy as an infant, courtesy of his hobo-sire?

Meanwhile, Other Boy manages to get himself fucked up and into ICU - all for a long-gone friend. Perhaps friend-slash-mentor-turned-into-a-shortass-girl-with-potential-Napoleon-Syndrome is the more appropriate term.

At least Other Boy pummels the bitch six feet under.

Maybe Other Boy has a chance of surviving for all his troubles. If Chuck Norris deems so.

Boy walks away.

He is forced to, after all.

Boy refuses to acknowledge his first and only tear of this decade rolling down his cheek.

Boy smiles.


My apologies for the misleading summary; I honestly have no idea what to put for that other than "LOLWUT". And that's obviously a no-no.

To previous readers, I'm sure you've noticed that THIS IS NOT REALLY MY STYLE. Yes, it isn't – but then I rarely write crack. This was more of an experiment, a try at writing present tense and having fun at parodies and shiz in general. I hope you liked it l'D

I'm debating on whether I should continue this – finish it off with a happy ending, or just leave it as it is, a parodic tragedy…thing.

Thoughts? Opinions? Feedback?