Disclaimer: Belong to Narita. R. I only own the plot.

Warning: Unbeta'ed. Beware of grammar mistakes. Swearing and cursing.

A/N: I'm so sorry! I know it's been over a month since the last time I updated. I felt ashamed… I just got this writer block, like I know what I wanted to write, yet I couldn't put it into words ;A; I tried to give you new chapter, so here it is. I kinda force myself to write this, since my writer block did not really go away yet, but nevertheless I hope you'll like it. Thank you for all the reviews, fave and follows. They all really encouraged me a lot :)


"I hate the feeling of not knowing.

For not knowing what hurt you, for not knowing how to save you,

And above all, for not knowing what I felt toward you."


It pissed him off.

Shizuo knew there's something wrong with Izaya but he can't seem to point it out. It frustrated him to not know anything. Heck! It disturbed him even more to say that he was actually gave a damn about the flea. He was supposed to hate the man, but here he is, unable to shake the feeling of being left in the dark, it annoyed him so. He ended up taking all his anger into wrecking the town, throwing countless vending machines, beat some thug up, and scared the shit of people.

It's been hours since their last encounter. Shizuo wish he hadn't let Izaya go back then. He should just force the raven to spill it all out. Because maybe there's nothing wrong, maybe he was just over-thinking everything, or maybe the louse was just messing with him. The latter felt right, perhaps he really was messing with him, taunted him for his reaction. That seems like what that crazy louse would do, Shizuo tried to reassured himself. Even-though deep down, he can't shake the feeling that something was off. His instinct told him there's something going on. Something he knows nothing about.

The blond was walking aimlessly across the road. He didn't really have any destination. He had just finished doing his job as Tom's bodyguard and now he was just strolling along the night.

"Damn it!" Shizuo hissed, scratching his hair, frustrated.

He just keeps getting more and more pissed off every time he thinks about Izaya.

"It's that flea fault!" he cursed. Of course it's Izaya's fault. Every-time things go wrong, Shizuo would always think it's caused by Izaya. It's like an unspeakable fact.

'I'll just go to Shinra. Maybe he knows something,' he thought.

Shinra and Izaya was best friend. He knows the brunette was the closest with Izaya, he was like the informant's only friend (besides Kadota). Those two share something special, a bond that belongs to them exclusively. If there's one person who knows about Izaya more than anyone else, then it got to be Shinra. Shizuo don't understand why he felt upset when he thought of Shinra being the flea's special person.

He stomped furiously all the way to the illegal doctor's apartment. It only took him about fifteen minutes to arrive there.

The bodyguard knocked on the door hard and shouts loudly, "SHINRA!"

In just 3 seconds the door opened. Looks like Shinra was rushing to the door when he heard the loud bang. There's only one person who could possibly done that and he fear the blond would break his door if he didn't open it quickly.

"Shizuo! What do I owe this pleasure? Ah, were you wounded? Where is it? Need me to patch it up? In the mean time, can I take some of your blood for my experiment? I'm sure it'll be fastinat—" the brunette was talking nonstop until Shizuo interrupt him.

"Shut up, Shinra!" he growled. "I don't need you to experiment me or shit like that!" he walked pass Shinra, into the apartment.

The doctor felt dejected for a moment before returned back into his old self. "Then, why did you come here? It's unusual for you to come all the way here for nothing," he asked, his eyes were glinting curiously.

Shizuo frowned then took a seat at the couch. His eyebrows furrowed. He looks conflicted at whatever he wanted to say. He was shifting restlessly and unaware that he bit his lip quite hard, it bled a little.

The brunette also took a seat across Shizuo and eyeing him interestedly. His eyes were gleaming with curiosity. He waits patiently.

After 10 minutes passed, the blond finally speak. "It's the flea."

Shinra perk up at hearing the informant's name, but still kept his mouth shut.

"That… the flea, he was… that… I mean…" Shizuo was mumbling incoherently.

Finally the glasses man opened his mouth, "What is it about Izaya?"

"He…" the blond lift his head and looked straight at Shinra. "He seems weird."

"Well, was there times where Izaya didn't weird?" the brunette response.

"That's not what I mean! Well, I know the flea is always weird, it would be strange if he's not," Shizuo sneered. "But, what I mean is something else. I felt like the louse, there's something off with him!"

"What do you mean by something off? Can you explain it properly, Shizuo?"

And so, the ex-bartender told Shinra everything that happened today. His encounter with Izaya, how Izaya was not being his usual self, how he panicked when he saw Shizuo and how the raven cried.

After listening to Shizuo explanation, the doctor was silent. He didn't talk at all. Instead, he looks like he was thinking about something. His silence irked the blond up.

"Shinra!"

"Ah, sorry Shizuo. Seems like I lost in thought," he laughed dryly.

"I don't give a damn, but don't just go silent on me!" Shizuo growled. "So, do you know something?"

Shinra was silent again for a minute. He tucked his glasses up, "Shizuo, do you know what date is today?"

"Hah?" the blond was confused but still makes an effort to look at the calendar. "It's December 26th."

The doctor twitched a bit, not so apparent but enough to let Shizuo know something was up.

"So? What relation does the date have with this?"

"Well, I can only say that today was kind of special day for Izaya," he answered.

"What the heck, Shinra?! What was that supposed to mean? You didn't tell me a damn thing!" Shizuo snapped.

"I'm sorry, Shizuo. But, it's not my place to tell you," he trailed. "I don't have the right. If you want to know, you can only ask Izaya himself. Though I need to ask you to let it go, at least today. Another day is fine, but just not today."

The bodyguard narrowed his eyes, confused. "What's wrong with today anyway?"

Shinra smile bitterly. "It's the day that everything changed... for Izaya."

The blond snorted,"What? Could it be that the flea was involved in some shit? And that he mess up?"

"Something like that," the brunette replied.

"So what? It's what the flea does all the time! Messing with people around, involved in some shady shit, and I'm sure as hell that one or two mess up would never affected him at all!"

Shinra was silent before speaking up in serious tone, "Izaya maybe an asshole, cold, and the worst type of people." He laughed wryly then looked straight at Shizuo. His eyes were flickered with an unreadable emotion. "But, Izaya still is a human, Shizuo. Just a normal human being."

Shizuo was taken aback. He may still not understand a thing, but he did realize something must have happened. From the way Shinra told him, that something must be really bad that it could affect Izaya greatly. The blond was just going to question the doctor again, but chose to shut his mouth up when he saw Shinra was not going to tell him anything more.

It frustrated him not to know anything. It frustrated him even more to not knowing why his heart stung when he thought of the possibility the flea hurting, from something he know nothing about. If it was 4 years ago, he wouldn't have care. If only the flea didn't pull that stunt 4 years ago, if he didn't do that to Shizuo that day, he would have felt happy to see the raven suffered.

But no. Four years ago, that day, Izaya had thrust deep into Shizuo's heart and put his marking inside. He can no longer pretended nothing happened, pretended that he hated the man, because he'd change. It's just one thing, yet he couldn't bring himself to just throw it aside, to just forget that day.

The day where everything changed.


A/N: It's done…? Well, you must be confused with what shizuo mean by four years ago and that day, I can only say it's one very essential part in this story. It'll be revealed sooner or later~

Anyway, I'm sorry if there are grammar mistakes or spelling error. I didn't have enough time proofread this. Review makes me happy. But overall, thanks for reading!