Disclaimer - All rights belong to E L James
(Any paragraphs in italics are a memory)
I sit on my couch and wrap my arms around my legs which I have pulled up to my chest, I try to shrink and disappear into a cocoon where I can no longer feel hurt or pain because I have lost so much in the past few years that I worry I may fade into nothingness if I lose anything else. I glare down at my stomach when it rumbles loudly before I hiss when I get hunger pains a few moments later, I haven't eaten anything except microwave meals and potato chips for a week.
I know that I have to eat a proper meal soon but the thought of standing up and focusing on cooking a real meal is already making me feel exhausted, I reluctantly push myself up onto my bare feet before I glance down at my clothes which aren't exactly clean but at least they are comfortable. I had spent the last three days in my pyjamas and finally decided to change into a pale blue t-shirt and grey sweats today although I wish I hadn't because I feel like going back to bed and simply burying myself under the blankets.
My attention is once again pulled to the important task of eating and I walk over to pick up my phone before ordering a simple takeaway pizza, it's not the most exciting meal but I don't think i'm up to the task of cooking a meal or that my stomach would be able to handle much without throwing up. I pick up my laptop and a blanket as I walk back to the couch before I wrap the dark blue blanket around my thin shoulders and place the laptop on my lap, it, like everything else in my life, isn't top of the range but it does what I need it to.
I press the power button and wrap the blanket tighter around me as I listen to it start up, I tell myself that I am going on because I want to look at memories of a happier time when I was at art school or to log on and try to make contact with some of my old friends but I know exactly what will happen when I connect to the internet, I will try to ignore the pull to just flick to Google but my fingers will do it before I have realised it and Master's face will flick up onto my screen.
I instantly melt whenever I see his beautiful gaze although I know that he probably has a new submissive now, I wish that I could turn back time and try to discover the reason that Master no longer wanted me to be his submissive although I worry that it might have been because I asked for more.
I stretched out my arms above my head and smiled at the relief that I felt in my stiff muscles. I was glad that Master insisted that I trained during the week otherwise I don't think that I would have been able to move after a weekend with Master. I glanced at the clock and smiled before I pulled myself out of bed and slipped downstairs in my nightdress, I noticed Master's iPod sitting on the island in the kitchen and giggled when I thought about the songs that I had added to it while he was showering the night before.
I walked over to the kitchen and began to make pancakes, I was almost finished when I heard Master's footsteps on the staircase "Good morning, Sir" I greeted smiling as I slid the pancakes onto a plate before I placed them in front of him.
"Good morning" Master replied quickly before I spotted a small smile as he looked down at his breakfast "Pancakes?"
I nodded and blushed as I slid some pancakes onto my own plate and sat down next to Master who was inspecting his food, I had never made him pancakes before but I thought that it would be a nice change. I thought about the question that I longed to ask him but quickly lost my courage and distracted myself by cutting up my pancakes but Master spotted that something was wrong.
"Leila, is there anything that you need to talk about?" Master questioned curiously after a mouthful of pancakes.
"I j-just wanted t-to ask you a q-question, Sir" I replied shakily, I knew that Master was going to get suspicious when I started stuttering because I hardly ever stuttered in front of him unless I was asking to bend the rules of the contract and I thought he would refuse.
"Well?" Master prompted quickly when I didn't elaborate and simply continued to push my breakfast around my plate "I have a busy morning ahead, explain. Now" Master added hastily and I easily noticed the impatience in his voice.
"I just...wanted to speak about...the..um...end of our contract" I explained lamely and winced when I noticed the angry spark in Master's eyes which I knew only too well.
"Would w-we...um...be able to c-continue and h-have, more?" I asked quietly and took a bite of pancakes although I hardly managed to swallow even a small amount of it, I didn't want to annoy Master further though and didn't want to take a chance with not eating.
"More?" Master repeated although he spat out the word as if it was dirty, he ran his hand through his hair and I knew that the conversation wasn't going to turn out well "Are you unhappy with our current arrangement, Miss Williams?" Master questioned in an angry tone, I dropped my gaze to my plate when I heard him use my full name because I knew that I had really upset him.
"No S-Sir, of c-course not, I-" I stopped suddenly when Master pointed to my plate and I reluctantly forced down another bite.
"I don't have time to waste on this idea that you have gotten into your head, we shall discuss this when you come back next weekend" Master interjected with an air of finality and I knew better than to argue "You are to leave after breakfast and fully consider if you wish to continue this contract, until then you are to remain silent and only contact me in an emergency" Master ordered sternly, I instantly wanted to cry because ending the contract was the last thing that I wanted to do but I stayed silent as I was ordered to.
I pull myself out of my thoughts when I feel a tear trickle down my cheek and hastily wipe it away "Pull yourself together" I mutter to myself as I squirm backwards and rest my back against the back of the couch, I quickly type in my password to unlock the laptop before I look up when I hear someone knock on my door.
I mentally scold myself when I find my mind thinking that Master might have changed his mind and came back for me "Pizza!" The voice shouts from the other side of the door and my entire body slumps before I drag my feet over to my handbag and pull out my purse.
"Hi there" Alex says smiling as he readjusts his cap "You order the... medium cheese?" He asks a moment later and pauses as he reads the order ticket.
"Yep, that's me" I answer unenthusiastically although I try to manage a small smile, I look up and meet his gaze as I pull out my money and find myself lost in his eyes for a few seconds before I regain my composure. He has the most deep blue eyes that I have ever seen and I am afraid to look over the rest of his body because I know that I can't allow myself to like or trust anyone again, I cough and hand over the money before I take the pizza and put it down a side table next to my door.
"Thanks, i'll just get your change" Alex says as he reaches into his pocket and picks out a few coins "There you go, enjoy your pizza" Alex adds with a smile as he hands over my change before grabbing his pizza bag and walking away.
I close the door and lean my back against it as I let out a deep breath before I silently chastise myself and grab my pizza before walking back over to my couch, I quickly drop onto it and open up the box before pulling out a slice of pizza and biting into it while I use my free hand to navigate around my laptop which has finally decided to boot up.
I don't even try to fight the urge and allow my hand to click on the internet before jumping to Google and typing 'Christian Grey' into the search box. I take another bite of pizza before I feel my entire body relax when I see his face looking up at me from the screen, I know that it would be easier to download the pictures to my laptop and maybe print them out to look at them without having to go onto the internet so much but that would be crazy and make me seem like a stalker, this way I can at least make an excuse for doing this although I cannot think of a suitable reason right now.