A/N: Hey guys, I'm really sorry this chapter took me so long! We've finally caught the posting up with my writing; aka things won't be going up quite as fast as I'd like because I've got to finish writing the next few chapters.
It shouldn't be too bad though :)
Chapter 9 -Enabling
"But I have finally seen the light
(Finally seen the light)
I have finally realized
Grimmjow really did have a tendency to go all out when he was trying to make a point, though I suppose I asked for it.
Somehow, after the first brief touch of lips, we'd gotten a bit carried away.
Slightly dazed, I was pinned on my back as Grimmjow hovered above me on the couch. Hands holding mine captive above my head as his lips devoured mine, his tongue feasting on my mouth as I tried to fight to maintain some semblance of control. He let his lower body brush roughly, but briefly, up against mine a few times, sending sparks flashing through me at the familiar pleasure, but he'd mostly been focusing his attention on my lips.
He was taunting, teasing me as he kept his lips restrained only to my face and his hands occupied containing mine.
I wanted more.
After realizing that I couldn't find anyone to stir interest in my body after Grimmjow, I'd been reduced to gaining pleasure only by myself. Now that he was touching me… I'd come to realize Grimmjow was as much a part of my as my genetic composition: in ways I'd never quite understand or be able to unwind, his presence inside me was irrevocable.
A rational part of me was thrilled that he wasn't pushing too far, even though my arousal was headed into overdrive.
It had been a long time since I'd indulged in a good make out session- during the last few years I'd definitely underestimated how fantastic they could be. Lips, tongue, teeth… the teasing pressure and the play for control…
Or maybe it was only this good because it was Grimmjow... Possible. Hell, probable.
After God only knew how long, we all knew I wasn't capable keeping track of time, Grimm pulled his face back from mine and smirked down at me. We stared at each other, faces still inches away, breathing heavily in an attempt to gather all the air we'd forgotten was important. A good kiss, or twenty, could do that to a person.
My lips twitched as my eyes sought to rememorize every intimate line and detail of his face, and then his smile stretched, and soon we were smiling at each other like complete idiots. Grimm lifted off of me slowly, moving to stand next to the couch and tugging carefully at his pants with a wry expression.
"I think I managed to wrinkle my suit bad enough it's going to have to go to the dry cleaners tomorrow." I laughed in genuine amusement at the expression on his face, and focused on regaining some of my own composure as I slipped off the couch to stand next to him. He watched me like a predator, unable to hide the effect his arousal had on the blue of his eyes as they flashed a darker shade of sapphire. "But I think it's an acceptable casualty."
Grimmjow stepped towards me, as if to move in for another kiss, but I backed away and lifted my hands.
"Oh no, I asked for a reminder, which you gave quite… skillfully, but I think you should go." Again, the expression on his face was comical, this time in disbelief, and I fought the urge to kiss him senseless. However, I was testing the boundaries of my self control, still judging my ability to resist, and so I sighed and explained, though I couldn't fight my twitching lips. "I hardly think it's going to help either of us if we just… jump right back into it. Besides, you're going out of town this weekend- if we go any further now I won't be able to do anything at all other than think about you. Which would just piss me off."
"You'd better be thinking about me all weekend anyway," Grimmjow stalked closer, ignoring that I tried to step out of his way as he pulled me toward him, and suddenly I was held captive inches from his face. Distracted by his eyes, as I always was, I didn't noticed one skillful hand slipping down to boldly caress the front of my pants until it was already there. I stiffened, biting my lip to keep back a groan; I was already half hard just from our kissing, even though I'd been doing my best to ignore it. As his hand brushed firmly across my length, he watched my face. I flushed, puffing out a sharp breath of air at the contact, but didn't back down from the challenge in his eyes.
Instead, I issued my own form of torture- one I knew was bound to torment him in return. Besides, what fun was it if I was the only one struggling to maintain my self control?
"You know, not a single person besides me has touched that since you did. That was three years ago." I had been pissed about that; I'd felt betrayed by my own body. However, the almost shameful admission was worth every bit my pride might have suffered the minute Grimmjow's eyes flew open in surprise. Assessing my face for a moment, as if trying to figure out if I was serious, he finally groaned and removed his hand to step away.
"God, don't say things like that if ya want me to hold back." His voice was so raw that I couldn't help but laugh, delighted by my success, which only made him glare. "I'm serious, don't taunt me. I've been imagining a chance to try again for years… to this day there's no one I've wanted more than I want ya."
I wasn't used to Grimm admitting his feelings for me so… openly. It turned me on in a way that I hadn't expected.
We'd never really done much talking about our relationship, or the future, when we'd been together the first time. In hindsight, a lot of my own issues would probably have been non-issues had Grimmjow and I been able to open up to each other about things like that. Hearing him say such obviously emotional things… it was such a different side of him that it intrigued me, as well as turned me on.
The flash in my eyes hadn't escaped his notice.
"Oh, do ya like hearing me say that? Just like I absolutely love hearing ya admit that your self-control almost completely evaporates around me?" he slid closer once again, whispering, "What if I say 'I love ya' again?"
I groaned and shoved him lightly, but seriously, further away from the danger zone that was my personal space.
"Just go away or we're just going to end up taunting each other all night, until one of us buckles and we end of having a bout of hot and heavy make-up sex in my living room."
"I'm down if you are," Grimmjow grinned rakishly, but he relented under my reproachful stare, "Ok, ok- we can save the bout of make-up sex for next Friday, my place. But first, we'll go grab drinks with the guys."
"I'll leave the sex option on the table, but I'd love to go to Departures again next week," I ushered him firmly toward the door and Grimmjow smiled ruefully over his shoulder at me as he went.
"Make-up sex on the table, huh? I'd better buy a sturdier table." His teasing tone help a serious undertone that had me punching him lightly on the shoulder. Embarrassed but smiling, I leaned up to give him a kiss goodbye at the door. If I was going to test my self-control with Grimmjow, I was going to allow myself to enjoy it- which meant all the kissing I could handle.
I had three years of withdrawal to make up for, after all.
We lingered there for longer than I'd planned, lips slowly re-familiarizing themselves and hands barely resisting the urge to caress familiar but changed bodies. It was Grimmjow who pulled away, stepping back out the now open apartment door and smiling genuinely, easily, at me in a way that made me question whether this had all been another of my dreams.
"I'll talk to ya next week strawberry." He smiled, reaching out to brush a hand across my cheek in one smooth motion and, as I turned my head to plant a playful kiss on his fingers, I watched his eyes flare with heat. It was amazing how easily our bodies, if nothing else, had recognized the other immediately, adapting too easily to behaviors from the past.
"Bye Grimm," I whispered, and then shut the door firmly in his charming, captivating and absolutely predatory face.
If I'd hadn't shut the door when I did, we'd have stood there saying goodbye for ages.
… Which would eventually have led to more kissing, and then me dragging him back inside. Damn man had probably been counting on it.
And yet, I can't deny that part of me was very intrigued with the idea of stripping off that suit and getting a thorough look at this older businessman- he was almost a stranger to me now in some ways, and I didn't want him to be.
I wanted him, just like I always had. Even when I'd been trying desperately to figure out who I was, having escaped our first attempt at relationship, I couldn't deny that I wanted him. That hurricane of a relationship had left me feeling pathetic, lost and consumed, though I'd noticed too late. It had swept me up and away, overwhelmed and flooded me, until I had no resistance left to him. Though now, it seemed to be different.
I turned around and leaned against the door, sliding down until I was sitting back against it on the floor. We'd talked, I'd explained, and he still loved me. And he obviously still wanted me.
He had said I was stronger, that things were already different or I would have succumbed to him already. I knew there was truth in that, but I wasn't sure I could trust myself not to succumb completely.
I could tell that I would easily be swept into the same addictive behaviors as I had the last time, so I needed to be cautious. Take things slow.
… And all types of other things that were impossible to put in the same sentence as Grimmjow Jaegerjaques.
I laughed out loud, admitting (at least inside my head) that it was highly unlikely that I would be able to resist getting swept away again. But it was hard to care, after seeing his face and feeling that same pull that had attracted me before. Even more captivating, Grimmjow was now a different man than the one I'd known- driven and successful in contrast to the lazily seductive man of the past.
I wanted to know this man, I wanted to understand what made him tick. I wanted to delve inside of him and get answers to the myriad questions that were raised every time I got a hint of this slightly different, older Grimmjow. But beyond all that, he was the same. Those eyes burned the same holes trough me and left me feeling so stripped bare that I could barely keep my thoughts straight. That same confident, almost cocky, body language that had always succeeded in making my blood run hot- in both arousal and irritation. He was the man who could make me want to melt on my knees in front of him and yet still called out my rebellious urges.
I was already lost.
This time, however, I was determined to keep my balance. I knew there was no way I'd get him to go away, and that I didn't have the strength to leave him again. So I needed to balance my job, friends, and Grimmjow- all three were important, and I couldn't let either one suffer.
With that determined thought in my head, I went to go take a shower and get ready for bed. It would probably a cold one if I couldn't drag my mind away from the blue haired man who had always been too large a part of my life.
I called Rukia Friday morning to let her know that all was fine, and in hopes to prevent a visit from her on Saturday. She'd had more questions that I had answers to, and seemed more concerned than I'd expected.
"Are you sure everything ok?" She'd asked for the hundredth time before we said goodbye, "You sound very…" she trailed off, as if she was afraid to say what she was thinking. Hesitant, that was unlike her.
"Rukia," I sighed, "didn't you want me to try again?"
"Well I certainly wanted you to explain, and see him again. I didn't think you would actually-"
"What did you expect would happen when I came face to face with him again?" I interrupted, "That I'd have strong backbone and kick him out? I've never had that sort of strength when he's around."
"I thought it was a possibility," It was her turn to sigh. "I just want you to take care of yourself. If you think you can handle him, then I'm not going to stop you, but please be careful. Don't stretch yourself too thin."
"One of the reasons we had such a problematic relationship last time was that we didn't talk about our feelings. I didn't know that he loved me, and after I told him how I felt I left. We only talked emotions when we were pissed or in fits of blind jealousy. This time… it's different. It's like what we had last time wasn't a relationship, just a connection of needs and wants and it was all consuming. This time… we're older."
"Being older doesn't always mean you're wiser." Rukia muttered, but I could hear the concern in her voice and I smiled slightly.
"Rukia, can't you tell that things are different? I'm talking to people about Grimm, that's already a change. Besides right now we have other things in our lives besides each other- different work, different friends..." I sounded confident, just like I'd hoped, but I couldn't deny that deep down I had doubts too. How could I not? He was my personal drug after all.
Our conversation ended when I promised for the hundredth time that I'd keep in touch, and then I went to work.
Everyone there seemed to be glad that I was no longer the mute, withdrawn guy I'd been all week, though no one actually commented on it. I think they were so afraid to ask what the cause had been that curiosity about what had changed my mood for the better was minor, and I wasn't about to bring it up. In less than a month of seeing Grimmjow in the flesh, it was already obvious to me that I was better off facing the challenge of trying to fit Grimmjow in my life than struggling along without him.
Or at least I preferred it, regardless of what was truly 'better' for me. Phrases like that are so relative.
When I returned home from work, feeling both lighter and more burdened than a few days ago, I collapsed on my couch in a sigh.
Immediately, images of being trapped there underneath Grimmjow assaulted my brain.
Beautiful, taunting images that tempted me in ways they shouldn't.
Images that taunted me to take care of a heightened arousal that they were causing in my pants… it took all of my willpower to resist following that train of thought all the way to sweet completion. How pathetic it would feel to give Grimmjow the satisfaction of invading my sexual fantasies during my waking hours AND my sleeping ones. I, ever the pig-headed stubborn asshole (more self-depreciating humor), wasn't going to give in and give him the satisfaction.
So instead I'd suffer until I could get my mind away from his seductive lips and voice, his addicting blue gaze that never hesitated to collide fully with mine…
Instead, I called Shinji to see if he wanted to do a little shopping and go to dinner.
A little retail therapy never hurt, right?