This feeling of nervousness was not something I was used to, I realized as I began packing my stuff. But I had a reason to be nervous, right? Or may be not. I mean, I just have to confess my love to my wife. That's it. What's the need for anxiety?
Well normally, one should have no problem in saying 'I love you' to his wife. But we had a different case.
Because it's been a year since our wedding.
Plus, I wasn't even sure my wife reciprocated my feelings!
God, my life sucks!
Naah... Everything is fine, I assured myself. Bella loves me,too, I repeated, or rather, that's what I hoped.
With that, I made my way to London, to give a surprise to my wife, who's been there for her cousin's wedding.
To read or not to read? I thought as I played with my wife's journal in the plane. She had forgotten it at our home and I took it with me for no reason. I knew she doesn't make regular entries in her journal, she only writes sometimes only.
One shouldn't read somebody's private journal, my inner voice said.
But I can read at least one entry, another voice said.
Without thinking twice, I opened the last page.
So... I have had my 49th kiss with my husband today.
I wish, a day would come when he would fill me with his kisses that I'd lose the count.
I wish, a day would come when I could tell him about my love for him.
God, I'm going there again.
May be, I should just stop.
I dropped my jaw.
She had been counting our kisses?
And... she loves me, too?
I was lost at words, but I had made the decision.
I was reading her journal.
1st Jan, 2011
A new journal! Yay! Happy new year, dude! Lol!
But I can definitely say this one's going to be my last one as Bella Swan! Only five days and then, I'll be Mrs Cullen!
Mrs Jasper Cullen.
I'm so excited. I love him so much. It was fun to welcome the new year with him yesterday. Hope we'll see many more years together.
And I felt the known feeling of jealousy again. But what did you expect, I asked myself. You can't expect her to say something else during that period of time. And she did say that she loves her husband in her last entry, right? I need to be patient.
4th March, 2011
After a long time, eh?
She hadn't written anything for two months?
She must be in a shock to write anything at that time.
I can't even think how difficult it must have been for her.
May be, I shouldn't had...
I refused to regret the decision due to which I was here-crazily in love with her.
"What do you mean Jasper is not here? It's his wedding day, for God's sake. Can't he be on time even on this day?" I was at the height of my annoyance.
"You're not getting it, Edward. He ran away."
I still couldn't believe he did that.
May be he did that because he was the stupidest person in the world.
"Edward, you have to marry her," said my dad.
"Excuse me?" I asked, as I thought I hadn't heard him correctly.
"Charles Swan is too powerful. You know how important this deal is for us, that's coming with this marriage?"
"But that was coming along with Jasper and Bella's wedding? How come I come into the picture? How can they even propose this stupid idea?" I shook my head in disbelief.
"You have to marry some day, Edward. Tanya is not coming back. "
"No, I don't have to. And even if, I have to... I'll never do that to Bella. C'mon... how can you even force me to do that? Which kind of people you're?"
What could have happened, if I had refused to meet Bella on that day?
Probably, I'd have been still living the boring, lifeless life.
"Hey..." she said, as we met.
I was surprised to see how calm and composed she looked.
"What? You seem shocked to see me calm?" her question took me off the guard.
"No... I..." I stuttered.
"Relax." she said, "I'm used to these type of situations. It's nothing new to me."
What was she talking about, I was confused. Jasper wasn't the first groom to leave her?
"My mother had had a passionate affair with her gardener, that's my biological father. Her husband refused to accept the truth and they headed for the divorce. "
I was at the height of the confusion. What the fuck was she talking about? Why was she telling me all these?
"My mother ran away with her lover soon after my birth. Her brother, Charles Swan, my father for all purposes, was good enough to accept me. Her wife, that's my mother, Renee wasn't. She always considered me as the baggage she has to endure it, due to her love for Charles. You must be wondering, why am I telling you this? It's because first time, my dad is asking me something. He asked me to marry you. Now I'm here, because I know your history. I know you're still crazily in love with your late girlfriend and your family is forcing you to get married. Hence, I think it'll be a good decision. Let's get married. You'll never hear a complain from me. I don't expect anything from you. You can still be in love with your girlfriend. Just think about it. We can live our individual lives. But in world's eyes, we'll make a perfect match and then, we'll get a divorce. After, a year or so."
Till that moment, I had thought I was the perfect businessman. But this businesswoman had beaten me.
But it took me some months to realize that Bella wasn't just a career oriented woman. Behind the strong face of that feeling-less woman, there lived an innocent, caring and loving woman, who wanted nothing but to love and to be loved in return.
After a long time, eh? I missed you, dude. Anyway, let me start again.
So, I'm Mrs Cullen now.
Mrs Edward Cullen.
He wasn't the one I was supposed to marry.
But that's how my life works.
I have never mentioned him before, right?
Alright, so meet Edward Cullen, my husband.
He snores in his sleep.
At least, I'm lucky that I don't have to face it everyday. Because we have different rooms at our home. The problem only occurs when we're attending some event somewhere and have to share the room.
Other than his this little problem, he's a nice guy. Much better than his fucker, asshole brother. Coward. If he wanted to run away, why the fuck did he have to say those fucking, romantic things to me? And how stupid I was to fall for him?
Anyway, I'm so over him. And it's a good thing when he had returned, my in-laws' had denied to forgive him. Because, if they didn't, I have no idea, what I could have done. But still, I can't digest the fact that dad had asked me to do this. May be he also never loved me.
God, I don't want to think negative anymore. I want to focus only on positivity.
If I'm not happier right now, I'm not sadder than I used to be either.
I don't snore, was my first reaction after reading this entry.
The second one was, I'll give her so much love that she'd never have to complain again.
I kept reading her journal, and couldn't keep the smile off my face, as I recall all the moments about how good friends we had become during next few months. Other than attending social events together, we'd begun going for lunch or dinner together. It was fun. I loved spending time with her. I begun to realize that she wasn't that heartless after all. Once you get to know her, she let you in, she opens her mind to you.
But she hasn't told me everything.
May be because partially, I was responsible for it.
16th Nov, 2011
We shared our twenty-fifth kiss today at my in-laws' anniversary party.
What's wrong with me? Why am I even counting our kisses? Those were only for public display, for God's sake. Why am I feeling like this? Why am I getting myself into something, that will lead me upto nothing but a heartbreak?
He still loves Tanya.
He'll never love anybody else, he had said it himself.
How wrong I've been.
Why couldn't I understood earlier that my stubbornness of never marrying someone and never falling in love again, was not my love or devotion for Tanya. It was just a guilt, a guilt that I couldn't love her back, like she loved me.
The guilt, that she had committed the suicide because of me.
It took me so long to realize that it wasn't my fault that I couldn't love her;it was her stubbornness and greediness that look her life.
Tanya was always like that. She couldn't bear the rejection. I knew it.
But I never knew she'd take such a step.
I had let the guilt overtake every other feeling.
That's until I began falling for Bella.
I'm crazily in love with my husband.
And it hurts. Because I know he'll never reciprocate my feelings.
Almost four months.
She had been in love with me for almost four months and I didn't even realize it.
I was fucking stupid.
But not anymore.
I'm going to do it correctly now.
"I'm so happy that you finally made it." her cousin, Alice Whitlock hugged me, as I reached there in the evening.
"Yeah..." I smiled and roamed my eyes around.
"She's in her room. I've not told her yet." she winked.
"Thanks." I smiled.
She shown me in the direction of the room, where Bella had been staying.
I took a deep breathe and knocked the door.
"The door is open. I'm taking the shower. Your dress is on the bed, Rose." she screamed.
I smiled, as I heard her voice. Taking a shower, eh, a dirty smile appeared on my face.
I entered the room, locked the door, took my position on the bed and dialed my dearest wife's number.
Of course, she didn't pick it up, while she was taking the shower, but few minutes later, she picked it up.
"Why are you calling me constantly?" I heard a smile in her voice.
"Missing my wife," I smiled.
Flirtation was something, we had been doing a lot lately.
"Really? Wish I can say the same thing." she said.
"Liar." I smirked, as I noticed a photo frame, containing my photo on the side table of the bed. "I feel like you must have kept my photo around you."
"Wh-what? What are you talking about?"
"I'm just kidding," I chuckled. "What are you doing, by the way?"
"Just had a shower." she said.
"Really? So, what are you wearing right now?" I asked in a seductive voice.
"Edward..."she breathed, but soon found her composer, "A towel. Do you mind it?"
The next few things happened too soon.
She opened her door and was shocked to see me.
But before, she could react, I slammed my lips on hers. I kept kissing her. We paused for a second in between, but other than that, we just kissed and kissed.
Few minutes later, I pulled to look at her face. She looked so beautiful, with her eyes close and she breathed my name.
"So did you lose the count, finally?" I smiled, as I placed a soft kiss on her lips.
She opened her eyes immediately.
"What are you talking about?" she asked.
"The number of times we've kissed," I said and kissed her for few more times.
"You read my journal?" she pushed me away and looked at me in disbelief.
"Sorry," I smirked and shrugged my shoulder.
"How-how can you? Edward, you're so... you're so... I don't have words. God, this is so embarrassing. And you don't even tell me that you're coming here. Why did you read that? God..." she put her face in her hands.
"Hey... hey... Bella, look at me. I took her hand in mine and smiled at her, "I love you."
"Wh-what?" she gasped.
"Edward, you don't have to... God, why did you read it? You don't have to love me back just because I love you. You don't..."
"You talk too much." I smiled and kissed her again, "I realized my feelings for you long before reading the journal. I was coming to surprise you and I read it on my way."
"You love me?" she asked, as her eyes began feeling with tears.
"I do." I smiled.
"I love you." she said, as she threw her arms around me.
"I love you." I repeated, "And it's a good thing that you're in a towel." I chuckled.