So this is it then. I was nearing the spot: nearing my end. I can't believe it really. Is it just me or did you think that when you were younger you would just fall in love, get married, have kids and grow old together and it would be that simple? Well that's all I wanted. I always knew that life was going to be hard for me but I never thought it would come to this.
Just thinking about all of this it reminded you of everything. Sometimes all these thoughts would come to me and be stuck in my head like a broken record. I felt like I needed to talk them out with someone but who would listen, who actually cared?
The return of my sanity I can stand, it's the return to reality that I can't take.
From the moment my sanity returned I knew suicide was my only answer. My life hadn't always been this way – it was perfect once. I had a family, I grew up in the best standards I could of and I fell in love. There was still a problem.
Jed was a cross.
Now if someone just thought yeah he's a cross and she's a nought, they probably wouldn't understand what it's like to grow up in a world where you're treated lower than dogs! It was unfair I know – what rights did the crosses have to treat us in this way? I never understood. What had caused crosses to come out on top? What would it be like if noughts ruled instead of crosses; how would they feel then?
It had been around four years now since Jed and I had met. I had never really considered or thought it logical before. I was brought up to hate the crosses. It was the way all noughts had been taught – something that had been passed down generation after generation. I just followed what I was told with some of these unwritten laws (some written)… until Jed.
I had needed him from the moment we met. The picture of him smiling down at me was still stuck in my head. I guess that's what had kept me going these past few years.
There were still things I didn't understand. Why was I still alive? Why had I survived and not Jed? I know that I "was left for dead" and the idea of that still haunted me. It was just something I couldn't really come to terms with and never would.
I know my family would disapprove of this and I didn't want to shame them as they hadn't done anything wrong. I needed this to look like an accident at least for mum and dad's sake!
I knew Callum would be mad at me. I even left him a letter to know that I was trying to kill myself. I needed him to know that – it would let my soul leave this world peacefully. Having someone know the true meaning of my death was a chance I would have to take. I needed someone to know but at the same time I needed it to stay quiet a secret. That's why I chose Callum to know.
Jude had never really understood me and we had never seen eye to eye. We often argued, his words often stung and I often didn't have the will to fight back. But right now his words comforted me. The familiar words "You're the same as me. As white as me. Who d'you think you are?" but right now they comforted me.
I guess that night had taken yet another thing from me. My pride, my dignity, my love, my life. Right now, although it wasn't the life I had always dreamed of I was happy. I could die knowing my family were happy. That Callum had a life – a school and life.
I could die and I was proud to be a nought.
I hoped that one day that noughts and crosses could be equal. I know that Callum sneaks off almost every night to see Sephy. I don't blame him. I've known Callum my whole life, I can see it in his eyes how much he loves Sephy – he just doesn't know it yet. I hope things change – for his sake.
So this is it. The end. My end.
I looked both ways noticing the oncoming bus. I crossed the road pretending I hadn't seen it. I walked across as I said my goodbyes.
The pain that seemed so familiar yet so new only lasted a second before the darkness enveloped me. I didn't stop it, I didn't fight it for anyone. I was tired of fighting. At least this way I can be with Jed again.