Sooo… my first fanfiction. Ever. Yay! I was finally inspired (and motivated) after a game a few friends of mine played where we made up stories based on the first line of a book, and the part that my awesome friend Colby wrote after my paragraph nearly made me die of laughter.

Warning: Contains many, many Malignant!Layton and Luke references. It also will most probably veer off onto different topics at an alarming speed. You have been warned, dear reader. And no pairings. None. Zilch. Nada. I am one of those people who love reading pairing fics, but am not blessed with the skills for writing a decent romance fic. My deepest apologies.

Here goes! :D

To say that Descole was unhappy was an understatement. He was very unhappy. So unhappy, that if there was a precise scale of unhappiness he would be after 'very melancholy' and bordering on 'depressed' (He was also rather vexed and annoyed, but those are feelings that Descole tends to feel anyway so they don't actually interest anyone). The cause of his unhappiness was down to five factors, in no particular order:

1) He had just the night before had his butt handed to him on a silver platter by his arch-nemesis Layton.

2) Said man had just rung his doorbell and asked if he could come in to 'have a little chat'.

3) At 6am on a very cold Sunday. In February.

4) Which meant that the professor had managed to find his top-secret hideout with apparently no help or effort.

5) Descole was currently nursing a very bad cold.

All of which were not conductive to the relaxation he had been hoping for. So, very grudgingly, Descole managed to heave himself out of his bed, collapse on the floor swearing as he tried to regain his balance, and shuffled down five flights of stairs to tell the damn professor to 'bugger off'. Politely. The professor wasn't having any of that.

"Now Descole, that isn't very gentlemanly at all."

"For duh larsd time, piss off!"

"No." And with that, the esteemed professor shoved past Descole (which wasn't very gentlemanly) and headed straight for his kitchen, to make himself a nice bracing cup of tea.

-BASEBALL!-

The Professor was halfway through his 12th cup of tea when Descole decided that he had to break the aura of awkward silence that was currently engulfing them. They had just sat opposite each other for five minutes and the intense boredom (not to mention uneasiness-how many cups of tea did the professor drink in a day?) was killing him. However, just as he was about to speak, his butler burst through the door, startling both him and the professor, who gave a manly scream of surprise and accidentally flung his precious cup of tea through one of the vintage (read: extremely expensive) venetian windows. Said teacup went on flying for a good two miles to hit a passer-by walking through the area and it instantly killed him on impact.

"Yes?" sighed Descole. He turned away from the professor who was now crying over the loss of his precious tea and was trying to lick the remnants off the floor. He turned back to the trembling man.

"I-if you'll excuse me master, there's something you really need to know…"

"Good. Now, please dell me… duh suspense is killin-ACHOO!-me…" Descole snapped as sarcastically as it could, which is hard to do when one has a cold, but he pulled it off remarkably well despite his pitiful circumstances.

Meanwhile, the professor had given up trying to salvage his tea and went away to make a new cuppa. And to get the tea and pee stains out of his trousers.

"Well…it seems um, that we have a-an intruder sir…."

"WHAT!?" it was now Descole's turn to do a manly shriek. "But-but HOW? Duh great Descole's manor is imp-ACHOOOO!-impenetrable…or someding! Whatever duh man ob dubious-ACHOOOOO!-quality told me the manor was! How duh fuck did he get in? Lead me to my nuclear chariot! I am going to –ACHHHOOOOO!- goddamn dis cold!"

"But you see sir, he isn't exactly IN the house…in fact, he is directly outside the window, as you can clearly see. It's the boy currently being strangled by our previous guest while shouting out 'BASEBALL' at an alarming rate of decibels."

"Doh." Descole sighed and turned away from the disturbing view of the professor attempting to kill his number-one apprentice whilst shouting a variety of colourful and imaginative death-threats and insults whilst the younger was yelling meaningless words such as 'BASEBALL' and 'TOUCHDOWN' over and over again. To be honest, it was more than a little annoying. He promptly walked to the door to make a hasty exit when his butler called after him;

"Sir? Are you just going to let that poor, innocent little boy die?" Damn his stupid, Scottish butler with his stupid morals. Morals were for the working classes, the sane and the heroic. And Descole wasn't heroic, sane or working class by any stretch of the imagination. And Luke was most certainly not innocent anyway. So the hell did it matter if he kicked the bucket?

So Descole gave a dismissive shrug. "So? Who cares? Led the snotty liddle brat die." And with a grand swiiiiiiiish of his cloak, he walked out of the door, only to trip over a shaking, pink sobbing monstrosity.

"AGHJGVKASHJVJLIHOBHONKNWHATT HEHELLWASTHATSHITIJUSTTRIPPE DOVERRIGHTNOW?!" He looked down in horror at the pathetic figure of a sniffling girl, who was muttering nonsense to herself. He picked her up and flung her out of the hole the professor's tea cup had made, and he could hear a scream and then a splash. Descole lost no sleep that night.

-TOUCHDOWN!-

Meanwhile, outside, amidst the beautiful country scenery and tweeting birds and the butt-ugly castle that was Descole's residence, a brutal, savage and frankly comedic murder of a young minor was trying desperately to take place.

"COME BACK HERE YOU RETARDED CAMEL TOE! YOU SHOTA BOY, LOLITA WOMAN, STUPID WORTHLESS HOLY CRACK WHORE OF BABYLON!" The normally mild-mannered professor was chasing Luke round and round a mulberry bush whilst uttering curses so vile, Mother Theresa would have castrated him just to get him to shut his potty mouth.

"Potty has FIVE LETTERS PROFESSAH!" yelled Luke as he effortlessly leap frogged over Layton in a desperate bid to escape in order to live another day. He then ran up a tree, down it again and jumped over a sheep. The professor ground to shuddering halt. "A sheep! That reminds me of a puzzle MAH BOI!" and so the professor wasted valuable seconds solving his own puzzle before remembering his goal-to kill Luke at all costs. He leapt in a ninja-gentlemanly way before taking off after Luke.

Three long, gruelling hours later, the professor had managed to chase Luke through eight cities, fifty-two fields, a nuclear power-plant, a strip-club ( a few minutes were wasted where the professor tried to navigate his way through a horde of REAL crack whores and pimps), two pylons, the insides of a rather startled cow, the Molentary Express and 'Future London'.

"I thought this place was meant to be destroyed!" cried Layton as he ran through the tatty streets of the underground cavern.

"It was. I rebuilt it." Said another random passer-by. Layton stopped to look at the stupid person who dared interrupt his monologue, when he let out a scream of pure terror.

"OHMYFUCKINGGODWHATINTHENAMEO FBEELZEBUB'SNEWSPOTTYUNDERCRACKERSHAPPE NEDTOYOURFACE? IT'S ALL MUTATED AND VILE AND DISGUSTING!" Indeed it was. The effects of Clive's mobile fortress detonating clearly had a severe impact on this creature's face. The skin had melted into waves, so folds of flesh hung of the skin. Its ears were ridiculously large for its head, and the sheer weight of them meant that the person had to drag its head along the floor. The eyes were different sizes and bloodshot. Pus ran down in two lines from its nose and the teeth were cracked and discoloured. Stringy hair was styled in a semblance of a ponytail, but it seemed to have a life of its own. Layton swore that he could see eyes peering out through the hair.

"How rude! My face has NOT mutated AT ALL! I am the EPITOME of beauty at home, I'll have you know!" Screeched the abomination in indignation. It paused to cough up a hairball.

"Where in the name of Don Paulo's flying umbrella do you live? Hell? The 43rd Dimension? King's Sutton? What could cause such a terrible abomination?"

"I live here. And I am no abomination. My name is Alisha. If you want information, address me as such, so I won't be forced to reach down your insides and pull out your small intestine. In fact, I may just do that anyway." It reached for the professor, but before it could grab his thin neck, he had taken out a mobile phone and pressed a few keys. In a few seconds, a vast array of brightly coloured blocks in a variety of different shapes plummeted down out of nowhere and crushed 'Alisha'.

"TETRIS FOR DA WIN! PUZZLE POWER STRIKES AGAIN! PUZZZLLEEEEE POWEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" And with that, the professor charged on ahead, seemingly undaunted by the fact that Tetris blocks are unyielding and as solid as concrete. The sound of bones crunching could be heard for miles around, including Luke, who wisely noted, "Tetris blocks are HAAAAAAAAARD PROFESSAH!"

And that is how the professor came to arrive, broken, mangled and not a little pissed, at Descole's castle/manor. Again.

-LAWKESHAJACKSON!-

Well. First chapter up. Please review, as I may otherwise suffer from insecurity and then die in the middle of Tesco's. Then this wouldn't be finished. Which may actually be a blessing. Who knows?

But I must apologise to my good friend Alisha, even though it doesn't actually go on Fanfiction. Despite the long-time running joke of it being Gollum, a hideous abomination and Shaggy consecutively, I feel that it deserves a bit of an apology :D (Old habits are hard to break and in my defence, I am known as Satan, Sauron and Fred, which may make me better off (-_-") )

But thank you anyways. I will update very soon as I believe in laughter before massive piles of homework. Or do I? Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahaha :D