Reaction drabble to Glee 4.06. Kurt's POV. This entire Klaine fiasco makes me literally sick to my stomach. I'm not picking sides or fights, but I hate being in limbo. Inspired by the Gloria Estefan song Cuts Both Ways.
It cuts both ways
Our love is like knife
That cuts both ways
It's driven deep into my heart each time
That I realize
How it cuts both ways
Can't be together
Cannot live apart
We're heading straight into a broken heart
But I can't stop
Kurt's certain he's going to throw up and after that he is… well he hasn't quite thought that far yet, but he knows the very last thing he wants to do right now is go home and sleep in his old room full of Post-It marked memories and wake up and play 'good son' with his Dad and Carole over omelets tomorrow morning.
If he could, he would grab his overnight bag and sit in the bus station until the next bus to Columbus rolled out and then spend the morning in CMH huddled over a grande non-fat mocha (aw hell make it full fat - his life is crap anyway) and the biggest cinnamon raisin bun he can find in Domestic Departures.
But first he has to get out of the damn hallway, this damn school, this damn hamster wheel of pain and confusion that's been following him around for the last 4 weeks.
When the chilly November air hits him as he exits the doors he nearly folds in on himself. Oh god he hurts. Seeing him still hurts. It's not getting any better, maybe it's getting worse, and all he can do is swallow down the bile rising in his throat and blink back tears because for once in his life Kurt Hummel is well and truly stuck some place he doesn't want to be with no end in sight.
Rachel's rubbing his back but it's not helping, not this time and he barely has time to wonder how Carole's meat loaf is going to taste on the way up before his knees hit the ground and he loses is dinner behind the same dumpster he was thrown into more times than he can count.
When Rachel drops him home he doesn't even look at the stairs, instead making up the couch in the living room and turning on Bravo without a second thought. No one says anything to him as he commandeers the space. They can see he's been crying, hell he's still crying on the inside (always on the inside). His eyes and body language say 'Leave me the fuck alone' and he is so grateful that for once they have decided to give him his space. He'll make it up to them at Christmas with stylish NY purchased presents or more probably Voguedotcom closet cast-offs.
Aww fuck, Christmas. Aww damn, Thanksgiving. They are expecting him back in less than 2 weeks and truth be told, though he misses his Dad and Carole (and on occasion Finn) right now he thinks if he never sets foot again in the city limits of Lima Ohio he would be just fine, better than fine, …good, …great, …god damn ecstatic! He wants to go home and Rachel's words ring true in his ears "This isn't home anymore."
Text From Blaine: Can I see you before you leave? I miss you. Sorry I screwed up. Again.
Kurt would throw his phone at the wall but he doesn't have the money to replace it, so he turns it off instead.
The couch is uncomfortable, but not nearly as uncomfortable as the rock-like feelings of disgust and fear and confusion that have taken up residence in his stomach. He doesn't want to even think about his abused heart, or what's left of it since he had given it to Blaine all too willingly in the junior common room at Dalton with jewels scattered underfoot. Being betrayed hurts. And being cheated on sucks. And being the only one who can decide where they go from here is the hardest decision he has ever had to make in his entire life.
But he has to do something sooner rather than later because he doesn't know how much longer he is going to be able to keep it together. He's been weighing his options for weeks now and whatever he does its going to hurt more and he doesn't know how much more he can take.
'Cause I feel too much to let you go
I'm hurting you and it's hard I know
To stay and fight for what we've got
Knowing it'll never be good enough
'Cause you and I are dangerous
We want too much and life ain't that way
Don't ask for more
Don't be a fool
Haven't we already broken every rule
He doesn't think he can let go. It's been two years since the staircase at Dalton and all of Kurt's hopes, dreams and future plans have shifted to include him. Just say his name dammit, Blaine. It hurts just to think about him. It hurts to think of life without him. It hurts to think about starting over with someone new.
But it also hurts to think of what he's done. Cheating. Lying. Sharing his body, his love, with someone else. And Kurt is certain he would throw up again if he wasn't so god damn empty.
When Blaine was being pursued by Sebastian all Kurt had was venom for the Warbler. He was angry and determined to fight and do whatever it took to keep Blaine by his side. He felt possessive and entitled, fierce and strong and now he just feels helpless against a faceless foe. He's confused and uncertain and is doubting himself.
Can he love Blaine again? He knows the answer is yes. If he were not still in love with Blaine it wouldn't hurt so much. But can he trust Blaine again? That is a harder question. Can he forgive? Can he forget? Does he want to? Even if they make a go of it will they ever be KurtandBlaine again? Will they be able to put this behind them? What does he really want and what is he willing to do to get it?
It's too soon after seeing him again to answer these questions; he needs the buffer of a State or two between them to get his bearings again. And it's too late at night to be any kind of rational, which is why Kurt turns on his phone as he retrieves the frozen yogurt from the freezer, determined to loose himself in late night TV and responds to Blaine, for the first time since that dreaded Friday night.
Text to Blaine: Not Yet. I'm not ready. Soon though.
It cuts both ways, we're in too deep for sorry alibis
Can't have regrets or even question why
We can't say goodbye
Because it cuts both ways
First Klaine (well not RPF) Drabble ever! Woot!