It all started simply enough. Sirius was on the schedule to cook, and he had Sasuke help him with the groceries for his special Six Alarm Chili (which he assured the boy had a lot of tomatoes, hence why the twelve year old was helping).
However what would happen next that week would land Sirius Black on the BINGO books to his dying day, and he would still laugh his ass off about it. Mainly because of the reason why he was even in there. The funny thing was that Konoha was the village that put his name in there in the first place!
Remus came over for lunch, took one look at the ingredients and whimpered.
"Sirius, are you insane!?" he asked.
"Yup! Come on Moony, you know you love this stuff too! Hell you ate the most last time I made it!"
"I was also suffering the longest!" he retorted.
Sirius just laughed.
"Uncle Moony, what is this junk? And why are you so afraid of it?" asked Naruto.
"This, cub, is the infamous Six Alarm Chili. It has been banned in two countries from ever being recreated, and has gotten Sirius banned from more kitchens for making it than you would believe before you see the effects."
Sasuke and Naruto stared at him wide eyed. Was it that bad?
"Why?" Sasuke dared to ask.
"It's not because of the taste, I can tell you that much. This dish is on par with Ichiraku Ramen!" said Sirius.
"That is true, it is one of the best dishes I've ever had. Hell it's something an Akimichi would kill for, and I mean that literally."
"Then what's the problem?" asked Sasuke. If the taste wasn't bad, then why was he so afraid?
"Because the effects last a very, very long week for everyone else. The last time he made this, Lily threatened to castrate him in the most violent way possible, and Prongs almost helped," said Remus knowingly.
"You'll see after you eat it," said Sirius with a smirk. It was on par with his cousin Bellatrix when she was thinking something evil, and it sent chills down the spines of ANBU that watched the apartment. Something horrible was about to happen.
Naruto and Sasuke, told horror stories of the infamous Black Six Alarm Chili, were hesitant to eat it. They took one bite...and their eyes widened in absolute shock. It didn't take long for them to request seconds, and for once Sasuke's speed eating was on par with Naruto's ability to eat Ramen. The two of them soon ate four bowls of the stuff, and were so full that they had to be carried to bed.
Sirius chuckled at the poor saps on the couch. They had no idea what hell was in store for them tomorrow...or in about eight hours. That was how long it took for the chili to really take effect.
Naruto's sensitive nose was screaming in pain. And it wasn't because of any poison. He shot up, wide awake, and had trouble breathing. He threw open the window so fast that the sound rang against the early morning hours.
"GAH! Dear Kami what is that smell?!" he said in horror. The open window helped a little, but it wasn't much.
Padfoot farted loudly, and suddenly he knew. The dog yawned, and the gave him an amused grin. His head was soon right beside Naruto's.
"Please tell me this isn't the horror of that chili you made," Naruto deadpanned.
Sirius woofed in confirmation.
"This stuff lasts a week?"
Sirius shook his head. He quickly shifted back with a grin.
"No, it takes a week for us to go through that large pot of chili. Don't know why, but every time I make it, it takes a week to go through it."
Naruto could believe it. Sirius had given them small bowls of the stuff, and it had only taken four to fill his massive stomach up. Which was very unusual.
Taking a whiff of the air, Naruto grimaced...before an idea came to him.
"Should we deliver some of this to the ANBU?"
The smirk on Sirius' face sent alarm bells going through the village. The poor Hokage would be crying by the end of the week.
Naruto and Sirius delivered half the chili to the ANBU, and told them it only took a few small bowls to fill you up. Surprised by the generous gift of free food, they ate it after dragging a solemn promise it hadn't been tampered with. One bite, and it was gone before Naruto was in the Academy.
Sasuke was looking rather...happy, and it didn't take a genius to figure out why.
The aftereffects of the chili were working wonders on his fangirl problem. None of them wanted to come near him. He was looking happier than the day Naruto beat the living crap out of him and made him realize that there were in fact people who still gave a damn what he thought. After that the two were best friends.
Iruka took one step into the class...and walked back out.
"WOULD SOMEONE OPEN A KAMI-FORSAKEN WINDOW?!" he yelled into the class.
Kiba shot out of the corner he had backed into, his nose screaming. He thought he had left this smell back at the compound. Unfortunately for Iruka, Sasuke and Naruto were on opposite sides of the class today, so the coverage was all over. Poor Kiba and Akamaru were on the ground whimpering because their noses were on fire. When recess came, the class emptied so fast that it was like their seats were on fire.
Sirius stayed inside, laughing. This was hilarious!
Tsume was on the warpath. Earlier that morning she had awoken to the most foul smell imaginable. Kuromaru was passed out from it! At first she thought Kiba had played a prank...until she realized that everyone at the clan table was whimpering from absolute pain and horror. Whatever it was, wasn't Kiba's doing. When Remus came into the room, the whimpers and howling became much louder, and she could feel tears streaking down her eyes from the pain.
Remus was the source!
"Er...perhaps I should eat out?"
She glared at him, and he made a fast retreat out of the compound. Five minutes after he left the smell started to go away.
He was so sleeping in the woods if he didn't stop farting by tonight.
Iruka's nose was screaming when he had to go back into the class. He looked at the amused Sasuke and Naruto. There was only one solution.
"Naruto, Sasuke, Padfoot, you have the rest of the day off. Get the hell out of here and I don't want to see you back until that stops!" yelled Iruka, holding his nose.
The two had such evil grins on their face that Iruka knew it was a bad idea. But in all honesty it was the lesser of two evils.
A few minutes after they left, they got picked up by the ANBU...the only ones who hadn't eaten the chili anyway.
"Hokage-sama wants to see you," said Ostrich blandly. His nose crinkled...these kids had the same problem half the headquarters had! And the dog was worse!
"Lead on!" said Naruto cheerfully. Once his nose stopped up from the stink, he couldn't smell a thing! It was great!
As soon as he came into the office, the Hokage threw open all his windows and took a deep breath of fresh air. Dear kami, these three smelled worse than half his ANBU did at the moment.
"Could someone please explain why I keep getting complaints about the smell?" he asked gagging.
It was Sasuke who answered, since he was the only not laughing his ass off.
"Blame Black. It was his chili that set this off."
"Black, what in Shinigami-sama's name did you do?!" demanded Sarutobi, his eyes watering.
"I only made my infamous Six Alarm Chili. Naruto was the one who suggested we share it with the ANBU as an apology for having to chase us halfway across the village and back all these years."
Suddenly the door slammed open, bringing a wave of the smell towards the Hokage, who nearly passed out. Anko was both pissed and amused at the moment.
"Black, what did you do? Headquarters stinks to high heaven so much that we don't have to interrogate our prisoners anymore!" she asked crossly.
"Huh? Why don't you have to interrogate them?" he asked innocently.
"They spill their guts in exchange for air that doesn't reek," she said blandly.
Sirius laughed loudly.
"Well thanks to you Padfoot, I have to sleep in the woods until this wears off," said Remus from the window.
The poor Hokage had passed out from the smell by now. So had the two ANBU in hiding. Anko was the only who hadn't eaten the chili or passed out.
"Well, what do you think we should do? Send this stuff to Orochimaru and hope he dies from a gas attack?" he said.
Anko's cackles indicated that yes, she thought that a very fitting plan.
Somewhere in his secret base...
Orochimaru looked at the odd bowl full of food. It had appeared without warning beside him just as he was getting hungry and he assumed Kabuto had left it. Or one of his followers.
After one bite, he ate it and it was soon gone. It was quite filling, and he almost regretted eating it all. It would be nice to have the recipe. Just a small bowl filled him up, and could easily keep his people feed for weeks if made in a large enough quantity.
Eight hours later, he noted an odd phenomenon. Everyone in his base was avoiding him like the plague, even his most insane followers. Kimimaro had run for his life the moment he went near him, and Kabuto was actually crying...you could see the tears in his eyes.
He had noted an odd smell, but after a few minutes his nose stopped up and he couldn't smell a thing.
It would bother him for weeks as to why his people kept avoiding him...and why he had to abandon that underground base permanently because of some smell that he didn't know the origin of. Kabuto decided it was more prudent never to enlighten him of the truth...
Killer B, the undisputed worst rapper in history, was having a blast. He had found a large bowl full of the best damn chili he had ever had for free. Then his brother sends him on a mission out of Kumo for an entire month with the request that he not come back unless his newest problem was taken care of. His brother had sent him to Iwa, the only other village he could go to.
Which meant he got to annoy all those boring Iwa nin with his raps...and his recently developed farting problem. His nose was so stopped up that he couldn't smell a damn thing, though he had gassed out his brother pretty damn fast.
The moment he stepped into Iwa, he could see the guards falling off their posts from the smell. He delivered the orders from the Raikage to stay in Iwa for a while, and the Tsuchikage threw him out.
The next day B was sent to a village called Amegakure to help the mercenaries the old Tsuchikage used to spy on some idiots. Which meant he spent an entire three hours in a secret base...and ended up leaving a horrible smell in the Akatsuki base, to the anger of it's leader. It would take weeks, if not months to be rid of that smell.
Especially since several bowls of chili had appeared without warning and those who had been there had eaten most of it. Even Itachi liked it, though he had an odd look on his face after. Almost like he recognized it.
He had only eaten one bite...and then promptly went bounty hunting.
He was the only one who didn't develop a bad case of gas that week.
Gaara ate the odd bowl that had appeared in the middle of the night. A few hours later, he could hear the crashes outside Temari's room.
"FOR THE LOVE OF KAMI, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?!"
Temari had tears in her eyes as she attempted to avoid the stench. She was soon glaring at her younger brother without worrying about the fact he could kill her without any qualms. She could see her father letting out tears of pain as he caught wind of the stench Gaara was letting off.
When they left, they heard that the smell had caused the bastard to pass out. Kankuro hid in his puppets until Gaara stopped farting all the time.
Yugao was miserable. She had developed the worst case of gas she had ever had, and her boyfriend wanted her nowhere near him.
So when she saw the amused look of Sirius Black, she slapped him. It was his fault!
Sirius and the others afflicted had decided to stay in the Tower that was in the middle of the Forest of Death. Several animals had fled the area, and it would take months for the smell to go away. At least the chili was gone.
After that week, Yugao created a petition to put Sirius Black in the BINGO book...and his chili recipe on the Forbidden Scroll. It was accepted unanimously, and two months after that day Sirius found his picture and his new bounty.
Bounty: 400,000 ryou
Warnings:If he makes his Six Alarm Chili again, avoid at all costs. The aftereffects of eating this chili caused FOUR Kages to be gassed out in their own office, and the effects last a full week. While the chili itself is delicious, and ranks a rare Six Stars by the Akimichi clan of Konoha, the consequences of eating it affect everyone else. It is noted that those who eat the chili developed a stopped up nose, so they sometimes don't realize the fact that they are producing a stink worse than a poison attack.