A Slight Parody of Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days

Opening Sequence: List of Characters

At first I didn't want to do the opening sequence, because it's just formatted so weird, but then I figured, "Eh, why not?" So... Here it is.
I do not own Kingdom Heart, all credit goes to Disney and Square Enix.

Heartless collect hearts. Keyblade kills Heartless. Dead heartless release hearts. Hearts join, making Kingdom Hearts. Kingdom Hearts is powerful. Bad guys want power. This is why the Keyblade is important.

"Roxas," said Axel, "Are you really sure you don't have a heart?"

"Of course not," said Roxas. "I'm alive, aren't I?"

"Well," said Axel, "Technically, no."

"Wait…," said Roxas, "So, if we really don't have hearts… Does that mean we don't have lungs, or livers, or brains, either? WE'RE BRAINLESS?!"

"Technically," said Axel, "Yes."

Roxas was about to faint, then he realized that would mean falling 100000000 feet to his death, and decided otherwise. Suddenly, strange music began playing from nowhere in particular. Roxas looked around the clock tower for the source, but found nothing.

"Do you hear that?" he asked.

"I'm pretty sure that's the theme song," said Axel.

"Theme song?" wondered Roxas.

"Just relax," Axel assured him. "It'll be over in a few minutes."

Reluctantly, Roxas sat down beside Axel as the character descriptions began to appear...

I. Xemnas
A large ham and he's proud of it. For someone who doesn't have a heart, he sure loves drama. He makes everything he says as dramatically cryptic as possible, even when the situation doesn't call for it. Scratch that, especially when the situation doesn't call for it. Controls the element of Nothingness (Try to wrap your mind around that. Yeah, nice try.) and uses two weapons called Ethereal Blades. No, they are NOT lightsabers! (Except they totally are.)

II. Xigbar
A disfigured man who gives people weird pet names. He kinda creeps me out. Controls the element of Space, and uses weapons called Arrowguns, though they appear to shoot beams of light rather than arrows.

III. Xaldin
His sideburns are treated by only the best barbers in the World That Never Was, as are his magnificent braids. Controls Air and has six weapons. Cheater.

IV. Vexen
An old geezer who's not manly enough to use a real weapon, so uses a shield instead. (No offence to any anthropomorphic dogs that may or may not take offense to that.) His puppets have a tendency to end up getting their own agendas and turning against him. Controls Ice.

V. Laxaeus
Big, burly guy. Doesn't talk much. That's about all you need to know about him. Controls Earth and uses a weapon called an Axe Sword, which looks nothing like either.

VI. Zexion
Master of illusions, Zexion loves messing with people. Most of what he does makes no sense, including his very emo-looking haircut. His weapon is a Lexicon, which is fancy for Encyclopedic Dictionary, which is fancy for The Power of Boringness.

VII. Saix
I'd rather not describe Saix, for it would involve a lot of cursing. So let's move on, shall we? Controls… Moon, I guess? Fights with a Claymore. Whatever that is.

VIII. Axel
Roxas's special friend. What? I meant best friend, you sickos! He's a pretty cool guy, I guess. Controls Fire and uses Chakrams, which are just about the coolest weapon one can use.

IX. Demyx
The coolest of the cool. Though too lazy to admit it, he's actually a really good fighter. The only uncool thing about him is his mullet. Seriously, nobody does that with their hair anymore. Controls water and fights with a Sitar, which is similar to a guitar.

X. Luxord
The nerdiest of all nerds: a card player. Life is a game to him, which is fitting, I guess, seeing as he controls Time. Also, his weapons are cards. Nerd.

XI. Marluxia
Marluxia is… Different. He controls Flowers and has a pink scythe (as well as very bright pink hair). Yes, I said "he".

XII. Larxene
Larxene is a b****. I'm not sure why that was censored, I meant to say, "big meanie." Despite being the only female (unless Marluxia counts) she's probably one of the manliest in the Organization. Controls Lightning and uses Knives.

"You seek answers," Xemnas said as the character descriptions were suddenly interrupted by a flashback.

Xemnas waved a hand over the boy in front of him, and glowing capital letters appeared in front of him, spelling SORA. Well, either that, or JESSE MCCARTNEY. Xemnas had never been very good at reading.

"We can give you purpose," Xemnas continued, as with a flick of his hand, the letters spun around, scrambling themselves before him. Then, Xemnas stopped the letters and placed a giant glowing X in the middle of them.

As the letters lined themselves up, the boy spoke his new name out loud:

XIII. Roxas
The only member of the Organization to use the Keyblade, thus making him the most important member. He has a hard time understanding why he's so special, however, and is in fact pretty clueless for most of the game. My alternate character interpretation makes him witty and sarcastic, though, so at least there's that.

"That is right," said Xemnas. "The new you."

"Man, I miss the old times," Axel spoke over the flashback. "Still got it memorized? Back when it was just us two, hanging out, and… she wasn't here…"

XIV. Xion
What's that? A fourteenth member? Ha, as if! Please, don't be ridiculous! Okay, I'm serious, quit saying she exists, because she doesn't. End of discussion. I said stop it! What was that about my mother?!