DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.
Just a oneshot that's already been disproven by tonight's episode, the preview for next week, and the fact that Degrassi isn't M rated. This is a sequel of sorts to LiteraryLolita's brilliant Kiss Me Like You Never Did. You don't have to read that in order to read this, but you should because it's brilliant and will provide more insight into where Eli and Clare are mentally in their relationship.
Still working on the next chapter of Stay but I wanted to get this up before the show ruined my theory. Too late, but enjoy anyway!
I waved goodbye to Dallas and Alli, and Eli put his arm around me as we headed toward my house. "I can't believe how cold it is tonight," he said as he pulled my closer to steal some of my body heat.
"Maybe you should have worn a jacket," I teased.
He wrinkled his nose. "You can't wear jackets to concerts. You need room to move."
I laughed. "I never would have thought I'd see the day when I'd see you dancing at a Jay-Z concert." We had gotten four tickets through Bullfrog's station and though initially I had expected Dave to join us along with Alli, Dallas had begged us to take him along, even publicly humiliating himself to beg my forgiveness for kissing me and messing up the garden.
"I never thought I'd see you at any concert period," he said. I hadn't really wanted to go at first, but Eli had convinced me it would be a once in a lifetime experience. "And singing along to Hard Knock Life even."
I blushed. "I like Annie," I explained. I didn't want to mention that I'd studied up by listening to Jay-Z non-stop for the two weeks preceding the concert so I wouldn't look like a complete neophyte.
He leaned down to kiss me. "You taste like rum," he commented. "I like it."
Eli had whipped out his fake ID and offered to buy us drinks between acts, an offer that Dallas and Alli immediately took him up on. I'd hesitated but he swore he'd buy me something that tasted a lot better than the beer I'd drunk with Dallas, and that he would stay sober to take care of me and avoid interactions with his meds. I'd only had one and though that was enough to make me a little tipsy with the lights and the heat from all of the people dancing around us and the feeling of Eli pressed up against me, it had been long enough that I was feeling back to myself again.
"Don't get used to it," I warned. "That was a special event sort of thing."
"I know, I know…Clare Edwards doesn't drink," he smirked. "Except at school, with an asshole jock." I had forgiven Dallas after his apology but Eli seemed reluctant to let it go. Fortunately, the two of them had ignored each other through most of the concert, and Eli had spent the night completely focused on me.
I screwed up my face in mock annoyance. "You're never going to let that go, are you?"
"Probably not," he agreed. "It's not fair that I wasn't there for you first time." My eyes widened and he must have realized what that sounded like and coughed. "I mean…not like that. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," I said, immediately absolving him before Eli got too worried about bothering me. I wasn't going to tell him just how much I had been thinking about my first time in the past few weeks – and just how much I wanted it to be with him.
It wasn't like the topic hadn't come up before – when Eli and would have these intense makeouts and every part of my body begged me to let him take it father. But a few weeks ago we had made a video about saying goodbye for his English class. And though I had known it would happen for a while, it was the first time I really had considered what that meant.
Eli was graduating. He was going to New York City and I'd be back here in Toronto, still at Degrassi.
For the first time, we had really talked about his leaving and what that would mean for our relationship. I was adamant that I wanted to stay together, that a long-distance relationship would be hard but breaking up would be much harder, and Eli had agreed, though he'd seemed surprised that I felt so strongly about it. When we got back together, I had promised him that I was "all in" but I think this was the first time he truly believed me. Talking things out had really made me feel a lot better about our future together.
But with every day that passed, it just reminded me that was one less day we had together. And if I didn't get into Columbia – a likely possibility given how competitive admissions are – or couldn't come up with the money to join him at NYU myself, I'd probably end up at U of T next year, and I wondered how long we could make the distance work.
It was awful. I supported Eli so much; I believed in him completely. But we were at the perfect point in our relationship and I didn't want to let him go.
But thinking about our relationship and how much we loved each other, and how willing we were to put in the effort to withstand the looming distance had compelled me to finally make a decision. I had decided is that I wanted to lose my virginity to him before he left for university.
I just hadn't figured out exactly when I wanted that to happen.
We walked back to my house, enjoying the chilly air on our red tinged faces. "Alli and Dallas seem kind of flirty for just friends."
I rolled my eyes. "I don't think Alli knows how to be just friends with a guy," I said. "I'm glad you and her never got too close."
He stopped us for a second and leaned down to kiss me. "She's definitely not the girl I want."
I kissed him back and the intensity increased immediately. I realized that Eli had said "want" and not "like" or "love" and though I knew those things were also true, his tone made it clear that he was specifically referring to physical desire. And his kisses were starting to build the same sort of lusty hunger within me.
By the time we stopped kissing I was breathless and I grabbed his hand and dragged him the last block to my house. The porch light was on but the downstairs lights were off and I realized everyone must have gone to bed.
"Do you want to come inside and warm up?" I asked, a little more flirtatiously than I had intended.
"That depends…will you be doing the warming up?" Eli asked, raising his eyebrows at me suggestively.
"Yes," I whispered, and Eli's jaw dropped slightly. It wasn't often that I was the one who initiated the physical side of our relationship beyond a little kiss.
But this time, I grabbed a hold of his hoodie and dragged him into my house, not bothering to turn on the lights, but shutting the door quietly so I didn't wake anyone up. I dragged him over to the couch and started kissing him as passionately as I could, pleased when he pushed me back so I was lying down and climbed on top of me to continue.
I kind of thought that the fact that it was so late and we were alone and it was dark and we'd spent half the concert grinding up against each other to the beat of the music would mean that things would go a little farther than usually, and Eli's hands, which were skimming the hem of my shirt, seemed to agree. But he kept things innocent and more quickly than I would have liked, things got softer and sweeter and gentler.
Eli gave me a kiss on the cheek before moving his mouth to my ear. "I should probably head home," he said softly, clearly trying to not wake up anyone and alert them to his presence.
But I really didn't want him to leave. "I want you to spend the night with me."
"Clare," he said, his tone disappointing me before he could even say no. "I don't think you're ready for that and even if you were, I don't have anything with me."
"You could sleep in your boxers," I suggested, glad that it was dark and he couldn't see my flaming cheeks.
"I meant protection," he explained.
I remembered that I didn't either, and that was something I would have to remedy soon. I briefly considered asking Jake for a condom – I knew for certain he kept them in his sock drawer – but I realized that sex wasn't really what I wanted to happen tonight regardless of the availability of contraceptives.
"I just want to spend the night with you...in your arms. I want to have sex with you someday, but I can wait for that."
He smiled for a moment but then looked doubtful. "Your mom…?"
"Is asleep. If you leave before six, she'll never catch you."
I could tell Eli wanted to stay with me, but he was hesitating, not wanting to get in trouble. I wrapped my arms around him more tightly. "I don't want to let you go," I whispered.
Eli's hand brushed my cheek and I knew he got my meaning. It wasn't just about tonight; it was about our future together. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms every night, but unfortunately, we had a long way to go before we'd reach that point. But we could spend tonight together, a small preview of what the future held.
"Okay," he said, leaning in to give me a soft kiss. "I need to text Bullfrog so he doesn't freak out."
"Let's get upstairs first before we get caught." I grabbed his wrist and we tiptoed up the stairs. I could hear the faint noise from Jake's TV coming through his closed doors, but Mom and Glen appeared to be asleep.
Eli shrugged off his hoodie, tossed it on the floor and sat down on my bed, pulling his phone out of his jeans pocket. I stood nervously near the closed door, glad that I had convinced my mother to have Glen install a lock so that I'd have more privacy once the Martins moved in. It was one thing to talk bravely about spending the night together and another to be alone in my room, late at night.
Eli looked up from his phone and gave me a curious look. "I don't bite, Edwards. You can join me."
I blushed, embarrassed that he had noticed just how flustered the idea of getting into bed with him made me. "I just need…pajamas," I stuttered, glad to have the temporary distraction of digging through my drawer. But once I found a pair of pants and a tank top that were suitable, I realized that I needed to put them on. And Eli was in my room.
He seemed to notice my hesitation and walked over toward me. "Give me a minute in the bathroom," he said. "And then you can go get changed."
It was so sweet of him that I stood on my tiptoes to give him a kiss before he disappeared into the adjoining room. He hadn't actually seen me without my clothes on yet, though there had been a few occasions where if we'd had a little more time or a little more privacy, we probably would have gotten to that step. I was certain I was ready to take it, but that didn't mean I was ready to put on a show for him by changing my clothes while under his gaze.
I held the bundle of clothing tightly against my chest as we switched locations and I took a few extra minutes in the bathroom to get ready. I noticed Eli had pulled a bottle of mouthwash out of my medicine cabinet and smiled at his thoughtfulness. I reapplied my deodorant out of necessarily after being in the sweaty concert crowd, and wished I could just hop in the shower. But I didn't want to keep Eli waiting too long.
I pulled the thick-strapped tank top over my bra and looked in the mirror. I didn't usually wear a bra to bed, and I couldn't decide whether I should leave it on or not. Eli had touched me under my shirt several times and the last time we'd been alone he'd even unhooked the clasp and explored my breasts more fully. Remembering just how incredible that felt gave me the extra courage to slip the garment off before returning to my room.
I had taken so long that I expected Eli would have gotten into bed already but he was still sitting on the edge. He looked between me and the pile of clothes I was carrying and I could see him take a deep breath as his eyes settled on the bra that was dangling over my folded shirt and jeans.
Apparently I wasn't the only one who was nervous.
I placed my clothes in my hamper and walked back over to him. "You're on my side. Move," I teased, poking him in the side in hopes of lightening the mood.
He smiled and jumped up. "Yes, ma'am."
I pulled back the covers and we both climbed underneath, Eli in his t-shirt and jeans. I reached over to turn out my lamp. "Goodnight, Eli," I whispered.
We were lying next to each other, flat on our backs and staring up at the ceiling. Not talking, not touching. For a moment I wondered if this was a mistake, if we weren't ready for this, if we had turned a romantic and sexy moment into a run of the mill sleepover.
But after a few moments, Eli reached out toward me under the covers and took my hand in his.
It was such a gentle, loving gesture and it reminded me that Eli was the sweetest guy when it came to our relationship, that he would never push me or expect things to happen just because we were in bed together. That I knew deep down inside that he wished he could press me into the bed and join our bodies in the most intimate of ways but that he was content with just lying next to me, holding my hand.
It was lovely. But it wasn't enough.
I rolled toward him, unlinking our hands so that I could nestle in the crook of his shoulder as his arm came around me and I draped mine over his chest. I rested my head on his shoulder, my nose nearly pressed into his neck. "That's better," I said before I realized that it was aloud, and I could sense Eli's grin.
"This is really nice," Eli agreed, tightening his hold on me – not in a protective or possessive way, but just as if he wanted to get as close to me as possible. "Not exactly how I pictured our first sleepover though."
"Oh yeah…have you thought about this moment often?" I teased. "What's different?"
"I always thought we'd be at Hotel Eli," he explained with a laugh in his voice as he brought up a memory from long ago, and I nodded in agreement. We were definitely taking a risk by having Eli spend the night at my mother's house. It would have made more sense to go to his and just tell my mother I would be at Alli's.
"That's it?" I asked.
He shrugged. "Well I probably figured it would involve sex…or at the very least, we'd be wearing a lot less clothing."
I was glad it was dark and that he couldn't see the embarrassed blush on my face. It wasn't just the thought of Eli picturing us naked together, but the fact that I was trying to get up the nerve to use his statement to take things a little further. "How much less are we talking?"
But Eli evaded my question. "I'm just happy I'm here with you." He kissed my forehead.
I wanted to kiss him for real, but he seemed rather content to just lay in each others' arms. "Thanks for being nice to Dallas today. I know it means a lot to Alli."
"He's still an asshole."
"He is," I agreed. "But he might become my best friend's boyfriend so we just may be stuck with him."
"You'll be stuck with him," Eli said. "He said he's taking a victory lap next year."
I frowned. I had asked Dallas about his plans for university on the bus ride to the concert, just be kind and make conversation. I hadn't expected to find out that he'd be taking classes at Degrassi again next year – while Alli and Eli would both be moving on and leaving me for the States. "I wish that you were the one staying," I admitted.
"I seriously considered it." I blinked at him in surprise. He hadn't brought that up before. "Taking a gap year, if not a victory lap. But Degrassi has nothing to offer me and…" He hesitated. "I need to get away. I need to figure out how to manage this disease without my parents' monitoring. NYU could wait another year, but I can't. If I stayed, I'd only be staying for you, and I don't think that's the best thing for either of us."
"I don't want to hold you back," I whispered.
He shook his head and his hair tickled my cheek. "You wouldn't be. I'd be holding myself back." He laughed. "Now if we could find a way for our parents to let us move out and do this every night, I think I'd be perfectly willing to defer for a year."
I smiled. "Someday we'll get there."
I nuzzled against him even closer and let out a happy sigh. Alli had always chided me for having very fairy tale expectations of relationships. I always wanted to find that someone and be with them forever. In retrospect, it was amusing that I had ever felt that way about K.C., but I'd been shocked when he broke up with me. And with Jake, I'd tried to force myself to feel that way, despite the glaring reality that we were decidedly not perfect for each other on top of our complicated family relationship. Just a few months after our breakup, it was almost laughable to remember that; we were so much better for each other as friends and stepsiblings, and what little romantic feelings we'd held had faded out within weeks of our relationship's end.
With Eli, I had fallen for him so hard and so fast, and while I always knew he loved me, I'd always felt that there was something holding him back. I'd always assumed it was Julia – that he'd never quite been able to get over her completely. And when Eli finally started talking about our relationship as if it would last forever, he was in a manic state, and it terrified me. I wanted that with the Eli I had fallen in love with – not the scary guy who thought it was his duty to protect me, when all I wanted was for him to support me and listen to me. Spending forever with that Eli terrified me.
But Eli had gotten help and he'd gotten better. He'd never be an exemplar of perfect mental health, but as I'd come to understand his issues, I realized he never had been. There had always been ups and downs with Eli, and there always would be. But his therapy and meds had helped him remain stable and avoid the largest, most debilitating manic and depressed swings, and I could tell he was doing well.
As much as Eli's progress had been essential to us not only getting back together, but getting to a place where I could dream about forever again, it was more than that. We'd started talking – for real this time. Not just about books or movies or where we wanted to go for our dates. We'd talked about our feelings. Eli had finally opened up about Julia and I'd realized that he hadn't been hung up on her the first time we dated. He'd just been afraid to lose me, knowing how painful it had been to lose her. And even though it had taken me a while to tell him what had happened with Asher, he'd been so supportive of me. I felt like I could tell him anything and that he'd listen and understand and if he disagreed, he'd talk things through. We were happy and we were communicating and it felt like together we could do anything.
That version of forever was all I'd ever wanted.
Eli shifted against me and I could feel his legs kicking against the blanket. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"I'm kind of hot," he said, pulling at the neck of his shirt.
It was pretty warm under my heavy comforter. Eli and I had spent lots of time on top of beds together, but this was the first time we'd ever been in bed, under the covers. "You could take your clothes off," I said, my voice more suggestive than ever before.
He gave me a second in case I was going to tell him I was kidding and then sat up, pulling his t-shirt over his head and throwing it toward the foot of my bed. "Is that better?" I asked as he lay back down and I resumed snuggling next to him.
"A little," he said, as he pushed the comforter off him a little so his leg was sticking out. This had the effect of putting more of the blanket on me, which I also didn't want. My hand smoothed over his bare chest and he kissed my cheek. "That's a lot better."
"Good," I said, but I could tell it wasn't enough. I let my hand move down his body until I was touching the waistband of his jeans. "I told you before you could sleep in your boxers," I whispered. "If you're still hot, I mean."
He gulped. Since we'd gotten back together, I had removed his shirt many times when we were making out, but we hadn't gotten anywhere near removing pants. "Are you sure? Because I am pretty hot and your hand being down there isn't really helping anything."
I screwed up all of my courage. "It's not?" I teased. For the first time I ever, I moved my hand down, touching him deliberately over his pants. "Is this better?"
"Jesus Christ, Clare," Eli groaned. He grabbed my wrist and gently pulled my hand away.
"I'm sorry," I said softly, burying my face in his shoulder. I couldn't believe that he had rejected me, and I felt nearly as awful as I had the night that Jake turned me down when I wanted to sleep with him. In that case, I had later realized that it had been for the best, but I was pretty sure that I wouldn't feel that way this time.
Eli seemed to realize how I was feeling and put his hand on my cheek. "Clare, look at me." My eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and with the faint glow of a streetlight filtering through the window, I could see the expression of concern on his face. "We don't have to do anything tonight. I stayed because I want to hold you in my arms while we sleep. I don't want to pressure you into doing anything you're not ready for."
"How exactly are you pressuring me when I'm the one who touched you?" I asked dryly.
He didn't seem to have an answer for that. "It's just…I shouldn't have told you I was thinking about us naked together or having sex. I don't want you to think there are expectations just because we're spending the night together."
"But I have expectations," I argued. "I can sleep alone; I don't need you for that. I want to hold you and kiss you and touch you. I've wanted to do more for a long time and I finally got the courage to try it and you're rejecting me, and you don't want me, and this sucks."
Eli's eyes burned into mine, and then he swiftly rolled over so that I was on my back and he was on top of me. My legs spread automatically to give him room and he pressed himself into me, with specific intent. "I want you, Clare," he said, his voice desperate. "I've wanted you since the very first time I kissed you for that Romeo and Juliet video." His hand slipped up my body and cupped my breast through the tank top. "If Adam hadn't been there…if I thought you wanted it, I would have touched you just like this." He swallowed my moan with a brief kiss before trailing his hand down my body once more. "I would have slipped my hand under your dress and felt how wet kissing me made you." Though he kept his hands on the outside of my clothes, I gasped as he touched me between my legs for the very first time.
"I want you," he repeated, moving his hand back up to my waist. "But I don't need to have you that way. I can picture you naked and jerk myself off. I'm not going to jeopardize our relationship by doing something you're not comfortable with or ready for."
"I'm ready," I vowed. "I'm not going to have sex with you tonight, but it's not because I don't want to or that I'm uncomfortable. We just don't have a condom, and if we're going to do that, I don't want to be worried about waking up my mother down the hall."
My reassurance seemed to be working, and Eli's smirk returned. "So you anticipate us having loud sex in the future?"
I blushed but pressed on. "I'm not saying I'll be loud, but you know…bed springs squeaking and headboards against the wall." I wrapped my legs around him and thrust against him to show him what I meant.
His eyes fluttered shut and he gripped my hips to still them. "You're killing me, Clare."
"Do you believe me now – that I want to be with you? That I want you to stop holding back. If I'm uncomfortable with something I'll ask you to stop, but I don't think that will happen because I think we both want the same thing."
I expected an affirmative response but when I didn't get one, I summoned every last shred of courage I had, reminding myself that this was Eli and I could tell him anything. I leaned forward and whispered in his ear with all the sexiness I could muster. "Because if you don't want to, I could go into the bathroom and picture you naked and get myself off, but I'd much rather have you do it for me."
"Fuck," he moaned. I expected him to lean down and kiss me but he stayed where he was, though his hands slipped underneath my shirt to feel the bare skin of my waist. "It's a good thing we don't have a condom, because I would beg you to make love to me."
For the last time, I considered sneaking into Jake's room and stealing one, hopefully without waking him up. But I knew that I wanted my first time to be private and unrestrained and that wasn't happening with my entire family sleeping right down the hall. Eli's hand slid up to touch my breast and I whimpered, "You wouldn't have to beg."
My words finally seemed to loosen Eli's grip on his control. He removed his hand from my breast and sat up, but before I could protest, he ripped the tank top over my head with such force that I was surprised he didn't tear the fabric. I expected him to kiss me, but his head dropped down and while his hands busied themselves on my breasts, he started planting sexy kisses all over my body, on my collarbone and down to the soft skin below my belly button. My body was arching into him and I wanted to reach down and touch him again but it was impossible from the position we were in. So I tugged on his hair until he looked up at me and then pulled him back to my mouth, thrusting with both my tongue and hips.
Eli rolled over onto his side and pulled my leg over his hip, resting his hand on my thigh. He slipped his hand over my butt and then underneath the waistband of my pajamas pants. He didn't make a move to take them off, but continued to kiss me as he squeezed my butt cheek. I knew that someday I would appreciate Eli taking a slow journey to get to know my body but for today, all I wanted was for him to release the tension that he built between my legs every time his tongue met mine.
I snuck my hand between our bodies and felt him again. But this time Eli didn't pull away. "I thought you were going to take these off," I reminded him.
He pressed his smirking mouth against my neck. "You can do it," he offered, probably thinking I wouldn't take him up on his challenge.
I pushed him on his back and started working on the button and zipper. He folded his arms beneath his head and watched me in amusement. I started tugging his pants down his legs and realized at the last second that his boxers were coming down with them. He didn't make a move to stop them, so I specifically removed both. After I threw the garments on the floor next to the bed, I turned back and caught a glimpse of Eli naked.
I sucked in a breath. "Oh…hi there," I said before I realized how moronic I sounded.
Eli cracked up and sat up next to me. "Did you just…greet my penis?" I didn't want to look at his face, but I also didn't want to look at his penis so I turned away. "Claare," he said, wrapping his arms around my waist. "I'm sorry. I'm just teasing you."
"I've never done this before," I reminded him. "I'm nervous."
"Maybe if you introduce yourself and give him a handshake you'll feel better," Eli joked and my eyes widened.
"Eli!" I shrieked.
"If you want me to be quiet, don't make penis jokes at my expense," I muttered.
"I'll stop," he said. "I'd rather use my mouth for other, better things." He kissed me again me again, and things slowed down for a minute as we took our time. I leaned in closer, pressing my bare chest against his, and I realized that I still had my pajamas pants on.
Eli seemed to come to the same simultaneous realization. "Can I take these off?" he asked, his voice gentle with all of the teasing tone gone.
I nodded, unable to form words. He took my hand and helped me stand up next to the bed, which I wasn't expecting. He placed his hands on my arms and gave me a deep and loving kiss, keeping a few centimetres between our bodies. I almost protested when he broke the connection, but his lips trailed down my jaw, and then my throat. Down my chest and through my cleavage. He sank to his knees in front of me and continued his journey. It wasn't until he reached my waist that his fingers started sliding the pants over my hips, as Eli's mouth followed the path.
I held my breath as my underwear was pulled down and Eli's mouth approached but he stopped just above the small patch of curls between my legs. He looked up at my body with an expression of awe on his face. "You're so fucking beautiful."
I shook my head. I stepped out of the pants that Eli had left at my ankles and tugged on his shoulder to get him to stand up. When he did, he took my hand and spun me around slowly as if we were ballroom dancing, looking me up and down. "What was that for?" I asked, completely confused and a little upset at how he had just objectified me.
He looked directly into my eyes. "I've now seen every inch of you. So now I have evidence that you are absolutely perfect from head to toe."
His compliment sounded genuine, but I couldn't accept it. "Eli, come on," I said, tugging on his hand. I wanted to get back into bed and pull the covers over me and just continue what we had started.
But he held his ground. "You are beautiful, Clare Edwards. You're smart and funny and sweet and the nicest girl on the entire planet – too nice really. But even though I'm in love with you for your personality and your intelligence, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate your smile and your eyes and your skin and your figure and everything about you. I love you. I love all of you."
There was something about the way he said it that made me believe him. I thought it might be the fact that he didn't need to say it. I was standing in front of him, completely naked. I had basically asked him to give me an orgasm. I had taken all of his clothes off and had shown interest in doing the same for him.
He knew the outcome would be the same either way. He said it because he meant it and because he thought it was important for me to know.
"I love all of you," I repeated as I lifted my arms to his shoulders and stood on my toes to kiss him. The height differential required that I get a lot closer to him and for the first time, I felt his penis, pressed against the skin of my stomach. "Ohh," I moaned softly, and Eli repeated the noise.
The kissing turned frantic and our hands were everywhere. It reminded me of the kiss we'd shared after filming the video, completely desperate and passionate – but this time we had no barriers between us. I took him into my hand for the first time, and "Bed," was all he managed to say.
I lay down and he was on top of me, and I managed to drape the sheet over our bodies, which somehow made the encounter feel even more intimate. I reached for him again and he rolled off to the side to give me room to maneuver. His hand caressed my inner thigh and I spread my legs a little to let him know what I wanted. He seemed to be moving closer but then he stopped and smirked at me.
"I forgot that I should give your vagina a proper greeting before I put my fingers in there." I fumed as Eli laughed and I removed my hand from him as punishment. "I'm sorry," he said with a chuckle. "Last joke about it – I swear."
I was still sulking when he moved his fingers through my folds and I involuntarily let out a moan. "You can't be mad at me when I'm making you feel this good," he said, and I couldn't help but agree.
It was a little awkward to stroke him while his fingers moved inside of me, so I pushed his hand away. "Let me do this first," I said.
"Let me," he said. "It's your first time."
I nodded as he continued, feeling lucky that I had such a generous boyfriend. Alli and Jenna had always complained about dating guys who cared mostly about their own needs and made their girlfriends an afterthought.
"Or I guess it's not exactly your first time," he said, and I peered at him in confusion. I had already told him that Jake and I hadn't gotten close to this. "Tell me, Clare," he said, moving his fingers more quickly and coaxing a small moan out of my mouth. "Do you think about me when you touch yourself? Do you call out my name when you come?"
I closed my eyes, unable to believe I had given up that bit of information when I was trying to convince him to take things farther. "Keep this up and you'll find out," I said, not wanting to answer him directly.
Eli had talented fingers and his tongue was doing its usual incredible work inside my mouth, so it was only a few minutes before he had his answer. "Eli," I moaned, probably louder than I should have given the circumstances, as I shuddered under his hand.
A few minutes later, he returned the favor by saying my name as he coated my hand at the successful finish of my very first handjob. I bounded over to the washroom to grab a towel, full of energy despite the late hour.
I pulled my pajamas back on, but I noticed that Eli only slipped into his boxers. Once we were back under the covers together, I pressed my face against his naked chest and savored the feeling.
"Too much clothing," he said, lifting the hem of my shirt but I stilled his hand.
"If we get caught, I'd rather have clothes on."
"We won't get caught," he said yawning and turning his head to the side. "I'll leave early."
"I don't want you to leave," I said, feeling like the night had come full circle. We'd gotten intimate, closer than we'd ever been before, but it still didn't feel like enough. August would come and Eli would leave for university and I wasn't ready.
"It's just a year," he reminded me as if he were reading my mind. He turned back toward me and pushed a curl behind my ear. "You'll come to New York every other month, and I'll come home every other month. We'll Skype constantly. And we can have phone sex."
"You wish," I said, rolling my eyes.
"I do," he joked, but then his voice turned serious. "Are you really thinking of having sex with me soon?" Before I could respond, he rushed to add. "I don't mean to pressure you; it's okay if it's a no."
"I am really thinking about it," I confirmed.
"That is so awesome."
I giggled and snuggled deeper into his arms. "Maybe over Spring Break? Jake will be in Mexico, and I might be able to convince Mom and Glen to go away to the cabin for a weekend."
"I'll make sure I have condoms for next time."
I traced my fingers over his stomach. "I was thinking about getting on the pill. If I go to the clinic, I don't need my mom's permission."
"That's good," he said. "She finally stopped hating me. I can't even imagine what she'd say if she knew we were banging."
I rolled my eyes at his terminology but agreed. "I definitely do not want to find out."