Everything I Thought I'd Ever Love
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fan-fiction. I claim no ownership over the characters therein. No copyright infringement intended.
"Jesus Beca, can you get up, she's been screaming for 5 minutes and some of us actually have to get up early in the morning," Chloe spat at her wife.
"Sorry, I thought you were going tonight. It's probably just another nightmare. I'll calm her down."
Beca cradled the small, 3 year old girl in her arms, rubbing her back and soothing her back to sleep. Erin had been waking almost nightly for the last few weeks, much to her mothers' chagrin. As precious as sleep was to Beca though, Erin was even more so and as much as she hated the disrupted sleep, she cherished any moment she could spend with her. Beca had never wanted children until Chloe convinced her otherwise, and she was so glad she did. Erin and her 1 year old brother Eli meant the world to Beca, and while she wished for a little more shut eye, she wouldn't trade this life for anything.
"Maybe we can ask the pediatrician about the nightmares," Beca suggested the next morning as her wife walked into the kitchen.
"Whatever. Anything to get her to stop screaming, it's bad enough to have to work at 7 am, its only made worse when you can't get a bit of decent sleep," Chloe scoffed.
"I'm sure she'll settle down soon, it's probably just a phase. I just wish she could verbalize what is troubling her, I'm worried about her."
Chloe just rolled her eyes, not wanting to have this same conversation again.
"Who knows, all I know is it's a nightmare for me and it needs to stop, I hate this."
"I know, you're tired babe, but she'll be fine Chloe, we'll get help and she'll stop eventually," Beca had grown used to her wife's overreaction to well, everything.
"No. I don't mean just the nightmares, I mean everything. The not sleeping, the not watching anything not starring an obnoxious animated character, the not doing anything alone, ever. The…"
The red head was cut off before she could continue her list.
"Chloe stop, what the hell are you talking about?"
"I hate my life Beca, there I said it, are you happy now?" Chloe's tone was cold.
"Happy, of course I'm not happy. You basically just admitted that you hate your family, our life together. You hate everything you wanted," Beca's voice broke as the tears started flowing down her face.
"I can't do this anymore," was all Chloe could muster before she walked out of the kitchen, leaving the brunette broken hearted in her haste.
Before Beca could say anything else, Chloe had come back from the bedroom with a bag that Beca had no idea when the other woman had packed. She shut the front door without another word, and the brunette was too shocked to even attempt to follow her.
Chloe had just walked out on everything she ever thought she'd want and love, and sadly it had been a long time coming. She didn't love marriage the way the way she thought she would when she was in high school, dreaming of her perfect life. She didn't love motherhood the way she was so sure she would when she and Beca decided to have their first child. She didn't love anything she thought she would, she had been miserable for a while and walking out that door was the only way she saw to lift the weight of the world off her shoulders. She kept telling herself it would get better when she could go back to work, or it would get better when they got older and she could sleep. When she saw how happy Beca was all the time though, she knew she was kidding herself. She should love at least almost every minute of this, even with the sleep deprivation, or through the noise and she just wasn't. When she couldn't be bothered to play dolls with Erin the 4th time she asked in a week, she packed a bag and left it in the closet.
She walked a while before finally calling a taxi; she needed the time to figure out where she'd tell the taxi to go. Aubrey was always her go to, but she couldn't bring herself to call the blonde and tell her she'd just walked out on Beca and on her children. A motel on the outskirts of town that Chloe had passed one day when she took a wrong turn was the only place that she could think of, and within the hour she was throwing her bag on the floor and crying herself to sleep on the rickety bed. No matter how badly she wanted, she needed to do what she just did; she couldn't believe that she had. Eli would be crying for someone to get him by now, and Erin would be in need of breakfast before pre-school. Chloe turned off her cell phone and buried her face in the pillows.
"She left, left? Like for good?" Aubrey asked with an eyebrow raised. The blonde had arrived moments ago, after a desperate call from Beca at 6:37 am.
"Well she took a god damn bag, one she had already packed, all ready to go. Obviously this wasn't a spur of the moment decision," Beca was past tears and now she was just angry. Shouting at her friend wouldn't help, but it was all she could do right now.
"I can't believe she would leave you, or them. I mean I knew she'd been unhappy, but I didn't know she was up and leave your family unhappy. This would explain the 'I'm the worst mother in the world' text for a few nights ago though," Aubrey thought out loud.
"I can believe that she could leave me, I mean things haven't been great for a while, but her kids? The ones she so badly wanted to have. I thought she at least loved them," the tears were forming in Beca's eyes again.
"Oh Beca, she loves them, she does," Aubrey reassured the brunette.
"Not enough to stay," the pain and heartbreak registering clearly in Beca's voice.
"Mama, are you okay?" a tiny voice asked from the door way.
"Mama's just a little sad this morning, okay kiddo?" Aubrey picked up the little girl and placed a kiss on her forehead.
"What are you doing here Auntie Aubrey?" Erin asked innocently.
"Oh, I just love you two so much I came by to see you this morning before work. I missed you, I haven't seen you since last weekend at my condo," Aubrey lied, but knew it wasn't her place to tell Erin the real reason for her visit.
"Auntie Aubrey is probably going to stay with us for a little while, how does that sound?" Beca asked, managing to choke back her tears for the sake of her daughter.
"Fun!" the little red head squealed.
"Good and she's going to stay here with you and Eli today while mama goes to work," Beca leaned over to kiss her little girl on the head.
"Where's mommy though?" the innocent voice inquired.
"She has some things to take care of, Aubrey will take good care of you though, and she'll probably let you do her hair," Beca smirked at the blonde.
After getting her son up and dressed, Beca left her two precious kids in the capable hands of her wife's best friend and headed out to work. Aubrey had suggested she call in sick and take the day to process, but Beca wanted to take her mind off the head red who had just walked out of her life.
Once she returned back home she was pleasantly surprised to see dinner already on the table.
"Erin told me that penne with chicken is your favourite, so hopefully that information was accurate," Aubrey smiled at her friend still standing in the door way to the kitchen.
"Your sources are accurate, I love penne with chicken, especially when someone else makes it for me," Beca smirked.
Beca enjoyed a nice dinner with her kids and a friend she couldn't even begin to thank, and was relieved when they went down relatively quickly at bed time. For now they accepted the answer that mommy was busy; Beca wasn't quite sure how to tell such young children that she didn't know if their mother was ever coming back.
"Do you think she's ever coming back Aubrey?" Beca asked, as the blonde poured her a glass of wine.
"Can you forgive her for this if she does?" the blonde's question was brutally honest, but it was something that had been on her mind all day, even when she was trying to forget the morning's events.
"I guess that depends when she comes back, and whether or not her sorry ass has an explanation as to why she put us through this."
Beca didn't know if she could ever forgive the redhead, but she did know that she wanted her back. She was angry, but still in love. She didn't want to have to explain to those two sets of blue eyes why their mother didn't see fit to stick around. She loved them more than she ever imagined she would, and couldn't fathom why Chloe didn't feel the same. All that stuff Chloe spewed off about hating, Beca loved. If one of the kids awoke in the night, it meant Beca got a few more moments to cuddle them. If the kids were too loud, it was usually just because they were having so much fun. Beca lived to see them happy, and wished her partner felt the same. Her life was everything Chloe told her she'd love and more.
6 Months Later
"Ma-ma," Eli cooed, spit rolling down his chin. The blonde that he was drooling on looked almost as wide eyed as he did, shock coursing through her at the child's attempt at words.
Beca had stopped herself from kissing Aubrey on more than one occasion over the past few months, reminding herself that she was still married, even if her wife hadn't called in over 3 months. She and the woman who used to be just her wife's best friend had grown closer ever since that desperate morning call. Aubrey had only intended to stay with the brunette and her kids for a few weeks while they adjusted but never ended up leaving. The guest room had become more of a permanent home for her stuff, and every time she went to leave she had been given an excuse not to. Beca had a big promotion coming up at work and needed to work overtime to get it, Erin wanted dance lessons and Aubrey knew a lot about the subject, and quite frankly she really just didn't want to leave the kids. It had broken her heart that morning to hear her friend had left her children, hating to know what this would do to the kids she had grown to adore on weekends when she babysat. Hearing the boy call her this was a stinging reminder of both the heartbreak of those first few weeks and all the good times of the months that followed.
"I think he likes you," Beca smirked.
Her kids had grown to love Aubrey even more in the last few months, having to rely on her as a second parent. Beca never did figure out how to explain what had happened with Chloe and eventually Erin stopped asking as frequently. Eli couldn't speak yet but he cried less and less as the weeks and months without contact from the red head passed. Chloe called once, 3 months after she left to ask how they were. Beca informed her in as even a tone as possible that they were doing fine. She didn't have the energy or the desire at the time to open up the wounds and confront Chloe about what she did. Chloe couldn't bring herself to face when she had done again, and the phone never rang again.
Later that night as Aubrey sat next to her on the couch, watching some home improvement show or another, Beca was again overcome with desire to kiss the blonde. On that first day she thought she'd never get over Chloe, but today she wasn't sure she could resist the woman who had been there for her through it all. They were practically a couple already, raising the kids together, having family dinners, and even sleeping in the same bed whenever Beca was feeling particularly alone, or upset. She couldn't be sure that Aubrey reciprocated her feelings, but she felt good about placing a kiss on the blonde's lips, cutting off her tirade about how ridiculously ugly the chosen furniture was.
"Beca," Aubrey sputtered, pulling away from the kiss.
"What Aubrey? What? I'm tired of wasting time waiting to see if she'll come back. I want to spend my time now being with the person who tucks in my daughter every night and sings my son to sleep. The person who makes us all breakfast and makes sure we're ready for every day. I want to be with the person who cares about me, and loves my children more than anything. There's a reason Eli called you mama today, you are his. You're all he and Erin have known for the past 6 months, and you're what I want for me, for us. Aubrey I want this, and I know I have it, but I want you to know that you're what I want, you're what all of us need. We love you," she placed another kiss on the blonde's lips as she finished her speech, this time the blonde leaned in rather than drew away.
"Well good, because I love the three of you too, and I wasn't planning on leaving."
Beca was barely two sips into her celebratory glass of wine when she heard a knock on the door.
"Who the hell is at the door at this hour?" the blonde wondered out loud, as she walked to the front of the house.
Aubrey thought nothing of answering her friend's door, she had been doing it for months now and guests had gotten used to being greeted by the blonde's sweet smile.
"Umm Aubrey, hi," came a familiar voice when she finally pulled the door open.
"Chloe," the blonde said, visibly stunned.
"What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same," Aubrey's smile long since faded from her lips.
"This is still my house," the red head said curtly.
"Could have fooled me," Aubrey was done with this conversation, walking back towards the living room, leaving the door wide open.
"Beca?" Chloe called, still hesitant to walk into the place she once called home.
Beca was already walking to the front door, seeing Aubrey's annoyed expression had her curious.
"Chloe?" the brunette's expression was as stunned as her partner's.
"Beca, I honestly don't know how to explain myself," was all she could get out. The heartbreak was still evident in her wife's eyes, and it pulled at her heartstrings.
"Well you better find a way to start because you're letting the warm air out and I'm missing the kitchen reveal," Beca's tone was short, her earlier happiness gone completely.
Chloe just raised her eye brow at the words kitchen reveal; she had never known Beca to sit through a home renovation show, much less care about it.
"I'm sorry Beca, I'm sorry I walked out on you, I'm sorry I left you to raise Erin and Eli on your own, especially since you only agreed to have them because of me. I had everything I thought I'd ever love and I walked right out the door. I was frustrated and miserable and hated my life. I didn't want to feel that way, but I did. It was irresponsible, and beyond awful to leave though. What kind of horrible person leaves their children? I know you probably can't forgive me, but I'm back to be in your life, in their lives, if you'll let me."
"You're damn right I can't forgive you. I could move past you leaving me, and I have, but walking out on them? That I can't forgive. Do you know how many times I had to tell Erin that you were really busy, and I wasn't sure when you would be able to come back? I want a divorce Chloe that much I know. I can't be with someone who would do that to my children. I won't stop you from trying to be in their lives though, but you need to explain your absence to Erin," Beca finished and took a deep breath.
When she started she wasn't sure what she was going to say, but now that she said it she knew it was what she really wanted. Beca could never move past her issues with Chloe and go back to the way things used to be; too much damage had been done to their relationship to repair it. The kids though, she wouldn't stop them from seeing their mother. If Chloe had come back after all this time, Beca knew she had worked through her issues and was here because she wanted to be.
Beca motioned for Chloe to come in and walked back to the living room. Aubrey was now sitting with Eli in her lap. As she stood on the porch Beca could have sworn she heard him cry out, but she knew Aubrey would have the situation under control. Aubrey was stroking the boy's hair and telling him a story when the redhead noticed.
"I know I have no right to ask, but what has been going on here since I left?" the redhead questioned.
"No, you really don't. You decided to leave, and what we've been doing is trying to adjust and get by," Beca's anger was flaring up, she had invited the red head in to talk, but she wasn't sure if she was actually ready.
"I'll just go put him down and go to my room," Aubrey suggested, standing up.
"No, stay," Beca said, putting her hand on the blonde's leg as she sat down.
"Chloe you left, you left and I had no idea when or if you'd ever come back. Aubrey moved in to help with the kids temporarily, and its 6 months later and her condo is up for sale. At first I waited for you but eventually I stopped waiting for someone who didn't want me, and fell for someone who did. Like I said, I'm not going to stop you from seeing your children, because they are still your children, but things have changed a lot since you walked out that door, and they're never going back."
Chloe was at a loss for words, she expected Beca to be angry with her, livid even but to see that she had moved on, and with Aubrey hurt the red head more than she would ever dare express. She had messed up her own relationship and broken her family apart, and there was nothing she could do now to fix it. Sometimes we have to live with our mistakes and find a way to move on, even if it hurts.